rawrrxlaurr Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Okay, so my ex boyfriend and I broke up a little over a month ago. I am 24 and he is 25. We were together for two and a half years, lived together, had a cat, the whole shebang. He stopped smoking weed for me, but in the process quit his job. So, for the last three months of living together I paid for everything. He kind of just lost all of his motivation. We moved into my parents house after, with a plan of getting our finances together and quickly moving back out. However, he never seemed to get that motivation back. So I ended things, feeling like I had no other choice. So, fast forward to now. I am still at my parents, and am transitioning between jobs myself. He is staying on his Dads couch. We have remained close throughout our break up, in daily contact and still expressing love for one another on a daily basis. I know that he truly loves me and that he feels like he really messed up. On Monday, he went to the hospital to get something checked out and they found that he needed to have emergency surgery. We have been in contact through all of this, I stayed with him at the hospital last night and he is coming to stay at my parents for a week or so to recover because he has no bed or room at his Dads house & no one to take care of him there the way he will need. Through out all of this, I have realized how much I do truly love him and how much he truly loves me, and I am not sure I am ready to give up yet. I know that it won't be easy to rebuild a life together, but I think I am willing to try. I feel like now that we have put everything in the past, but still care so much for each other, that maybe starting over with a clean slate might really be an option. I know we both have said that we both just need to focus on ourselves and figuring out what we want individually from life, but we also both want so badly to stay in each others lives. So, I wrote him a short but to the point letter that I plan to give him after he is recovered telling him what is in my heart, and that I want to give it another shot even if it's starting from ground zero. I am so nervous though. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice for me?!?
rec88 Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 If you think that you have even come close to putting everything in the past after only a month, you're in for a surprise. Another thing that stuck out to me is that it's not the best environment to build a life together when you're both living with your parents. ...however. If you are set on doing it, I would say give him space. Do not follow up with him if he doesn't respond immediately. He will tell you if he feels the same. Also be prepared for rejection and accept it gracefully if that's what he chooses. That means acknowledge his decision and go your own way, no complaining. Good luck with whichever way it goes and remember that no matter the outcome, good or bad, you will be ok 1
Simon Phoenix Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 Make sure that you are completely willing to accept him as is before you do this. Do not do something like this and flake -- that would be an awful thing to do. You had a reason for breaking up with him before. If that reason is still part of the equation, then you better make sure 100 percent that you are OK with it. You can't take him back with conditions -- it's as is or nothing. If you aren't OK with it (and that's fine) all you are doing is trying to plug a faucet leak with bubble gum. Eventually you'll get even more of a mess than you had before. But before you do this, you need to do two things. No. 1. You need to make sure that this is what you want to do 100 percent. If you have any hesitation or second thoughts, do not make this move. No. 2. Be prepared for anything. He might take you back, he might be hesitant, he might tell you to f--k off. Either way, this isn't something you should do impulsively. Make sure, without a doubt, that you want this man back. Then come clean and be honest -- do not play games. 1
leoc1973 Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 when I was younger my ex did the same thing to me. She really didn't wanna break up with me but she wanted to get me off my butt. But at the same time she didn't tell me that is what she was doing. She just told me that I am not what she was looking for in life. She said she needed a partner and someone who wanted to go places and have a good life with. I did have a full time job that I hated and would leave early when ever I could. I immediately went back to school. Started sticking it out and working all my hours at work. Between work and school I went to the gym 2 hours a day and started eating right. She really did light a fire under me. She pushed a little too far tho. She knew I really needed to believe that she meant it so she stuck to her guns. I think she wanted to make sure I finished a whole semester. Anyway I lost like 40 lbs, started to have money in my pocket all the time and really felt good about who I was because I was doing very well in school. I had all my confidence back and met someone new. Till the end she said she came back because I turned into a man she could be proud of but I think the other woman might have had something to do with it too. My point is that I almost didn't go back to my girlfriend because I really liked the new girl and was loving myself. When a man loves a woman(yes I know michael bolton will get his royalty check) there is nothing he won't do to get her back. Did your guy do anything at all to better himself in that time apart? I think that is the most important question because if he didn't and lost you then there is no motivating him. My girlfriend pushed it a little too far tho 4 months and the new girl was awesome so she almost lost me when she was just trying to motivate me.
Author rawrrxlaurr Posted October 10, 2014 Author Posted October 10, 2014 Hey everyone -- first thank you for all of the replies. So, when I first met my guy he was unemployed having recently been fired. We were both in a partying stage and weren't looking for a relationship. However, we ended up falling in love and made it official. He found a new job, and things were going well, or so I thought. About a year in I found out that he had been less than truthful with me, had sent some messages to peoplehe shouldn't have, that kinda stuff. Basically I discovered he was a douche bag. After finding out what I did, I cut him out completely. Ignored all calls and texts, deleted off social media, all of it. I was ready to be done with him. He kept persisting, however, and begged me for a second chance. I didn't jump right back in but eventually we got back together. And he turned over anew leaf. He had a lot of issues before that, and was used to just surpressing emotions. I am very good with them however, as I plan to one day be a counselor, so I helped him through. He never did me wrong afer the time I described,not once. He was loyal, truthful, and forthcoming. He really changed a lot and he claims I "brought the real him out". So, this is a man who I like to think I lit a fire under before. We moved in together too quickly and things got messy. I already accept him as he is, mistakes and all. All through out our breakup, and especially now going through his surgery and recovery,he keeps saying how he will be the man I deserve and how he wants to make me happy for the rest of my life. He keeps apologizing for letting me down, and follows it up with how he wants to make it up to me. If I were to attempt to initiate a reconciliation, I would acknowedge that we aren't in great places to start a relationship but that if we support and help each other make the steps that are neccessary, that we could have something even better than before. I forgot to mention that he had an opportunity to move out of state, wbere a job would be waiting for him but chose not to in order to see what might happen with us. Idk. I'm just so confused. Its so hard when your emotions don't line up with what is logically going on.
Author rawrrxlaurr Posted October 10, 2014 Author Posted October 10, 2014 And now he will be here in about an hour, and I will be taking care of him. I'm trying to keep my emotional distance while still being physically there for him but he's making it hard by the things he keeps saying to me and telling me how much he loves me almost every five minutes. He's even mentioned wanting to marry me several times. It makes my head want to explode.
Author rawrrxlaurr Posted October 10, 2014 Author Posted October 10, 2014 Thank you for your insight, Caitlin. I think everything you said is right on point.
leoc1973 Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 I read your original post again and I have to say. He showed you that he can be a man and he passed up a job for you. What were the reasons he quit his job? Does his surgery have anything to do with why he isn't so motivated? Like was he in pain and needed a knee or back fixed? 25 years old in guy terms is like 20 in woman years. Some guys do hit that grown up stage a little later. It's not like the guy is 40. How much do you really love this guy? Because to dump him for being in a 3 month rut is kinda harsh. You lost your job too right? how would you feel if he dumped you for it? Is he going to have to worry about you leaving him down the road if a company he is working for is downsizing or something? To me unless there is other stuff that you are leaving out I think you are being really hard on him. I guess the question you really have to ask yourself is how much you love him? He seems like eventually he will get his act together and I think you are really going to regret it. One other thing. I think that a lot of times women's friends and family get into their heads and keep calling a guy a loser or bum and it wears you down. What are your friends and family saying?
studcupid Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 if the feeling is right, so why not giving it another shot
Author rawrrxlaurr Posted October 11, 2014 Author Posted October 11, 2014 I read your original post again and I have to say. He showed you that he can be a man and he passed up a job for you. What were the reasons he quit his job? Does his surgery have anything to do with why he isn't so motivated? Like was he in pain and needed a knee or back fixed? 25 years old in guy terms is like 20 in woman years. Some guys do hit that grown up stage a little later. It's not like the guy is 40. How much do you really love this guy? Because to dump him for being in a 3 month rut is kinda harsh. You lost your job too right? how would you feel if he dumped you for it? Is he going to have to worry about you leaving him down the road if a company he is working for is downsizing or something? To me unless there is other stuff that you are leaving out I think you are being really hard on him. I guess the question you really have to ask yourself is how much you love him? He seems like eventually he will get his act together and I think you are really going to regret it. One other thing. I think that a lot of times women's friends and family get into their heads and keep calling a guy a loser or bum and it wears you down. What are your friends and family saying? Hmm. Well, to answer a few of your questions, the reason he quit his job originally was because it was very hard manual labor that didn't pay well at all -- I was making more as a waitress working less hours. He got the job through his Dad and was working with him and his brother as well, whom both are very very big potheads and that was making it difficult for him to kick his pot habit all together. So, we talked and I told him that if he wanted to quit that job and look for something else I would support him wholeheartedly. However, he never put any real effort into finding a new job. All of the bills we shared fell on my shoulders, which was okay at first because I was making enough to pay them, but after time it became exhausting not only paying all of the expenses but also for extra curricular activities, cigarettes, household necessities, food, gas, plus we had a cat as well. So before moving into my parents house where there are two other cats, we had to get her fixed which I paid for. it became overwhelming. But we got through it, and moved into my parents. After a month of us living there, he still had not found a job nor was he really putting much effort into it at all and I just kinda reached my limit. I do love him. And I realize maybe I should have been more understanding, or motivational as opposed to just paying for everything and letting it build up. I'm willing to put it all behind us, and start over.
Author rawrrxlaurr Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 He came over early Friday afternoon and just left now. Things went well, he seems to be recovering nicely. He kept wanting to talk about us, and I told him that I wrote him a letter in which I thought out my thoughts and feelings and I didn't want to talk until he reads it. I told him to just focus on getting better. He said a few things, such as he hasn't given up hope and doesn't want to let go, he knows what he has to do in order to make a relationship with me work etc. Anyways, I avoided really responding in any real way. I told him that I would send him my letter after he left, and that he should take a few days to think over what I said and what his response will be instead of just responding right away. He said that he's excited but scared to read my letter, and that he wouldn't need a few days to think about things but that he would wait if it would make me feel better. So we shall see what happens. 1
me85 Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 After reading your OP I can see why you'd be a little nervous telling him how you feel. Since you're the one who ended it. But you shouldn't be all that nervous about it. It sounds like the two of you have as good a chance as any of getting back together. It sounds like y'all never really broke up. He definitely needs to get himself motivated to be a better person. He's acting like a bit of a loser and I totally understand why you originally broke up with him. You just want him to "be a man." I dated someone with zero ambition. Smoked pot all the time and hated working. It. seriously. caused problems. in our RS. MAJOR turnoff. No matter how much we love them. The thing is, ya gota communicate. Always be open and honest with one another. Never be afraid to hurt each others feelings. Don't be jerk (LOL) but you get what I mean. Just talk about things.
Author rawrrxlaurr Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 Exactly! In my letter, I expressed that we've both made mistakes in the relationship and even as far as job/career wise. I made it clear that I want to be with him, but I want to move forward together in life and motivate each other, and not be stuck in limbo. At the same time, I also made it clear that if he isn't ready to do that with me or with anyone right now then I will understand. I just put my heart out there, said what I want and I that I want to move forward either with him or without. If he isn't ready to put himself back out into the world and "be a man", then I will have to move forward and I will have to unfortunately cut him out of my life and leave him in the past. I'm giving him the option to start over with me, rebuild our lives together(separately, but together) and see if we can have something even greater than before. I just can't be in limbo with someone anymore, I am ready to move on one way or another. If it's not meant to be I just want to deal with the loss and put it behind me. NC this time. 2
me85 Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 You sound very mature and full of inner strength. I think you'll be fine either way. I hope everything works out for you. All the best! 1
Author rawrrxlaurr Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 Thank you! We are talking on Wednesday, I'll update then.
willpower321 Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Wow OP, this sounds kind of similar to my situation I just posted about... in terms of him being one way all motivated and full of dreams and then all of sudden quit his job and only priority was riding a motorcycle... I still don't know what happened to him... did he ever tell you why he thinks he changed? I hope everything works out for the best for you guys! Your plan sounds like it will be a lot of work but may end up being better than living together at this time.. did u ever go no contact? or did you talk everyday even after you moved out?
Author rawrrxlaurr Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 (edited) There was a period right after the break up where I did NC but this only lasted a week at the longest. We broke up once before, like I said in my OP, but for some reason we have always remained in contact. It's weird, because even being broken up both times and having relationship issues, we have still been able to talk and have friendly, lighthearted conversations in between. We tell each other when something funny, exciting or big happens. Basically we are best friends, that are in love with each other. As corny as that sounds. It is very strange to me that he did a complete 180 because while we were together he was always striving to make personal improvements that he felt would make our relationship better. Even little things. But we have talked about why he lost his motivation and this is basically what happened: There was a point where I told him straight up, I cannot be with someone that has to or wants to smoke pot all day long, in the morning before work, at work, after work, before bed. I have never and would never ask him or anyone to quit smoking if it's something they enjoy responsibly, however he was just not being responsible with it. So, instead of cutting back he decided it would be best to just quit and eventually only do it occasionally. However, working with his father and brother everyday made it almost impossible seeing as they would smoke at work and on breaks and it was just a ****ty job anyways. After he quit there, and quit smoking, he started going through a big realization phase. He had been numbing himself and his feelings with weed nonstop since he was a young teenager. It was just eye opening for him, and I think that he wasn't sure how to function in life as this new person. He became depressed, lost motivation and basically regressed. But emotionally he was changing so much, I kind of look at it as he is realizing who he really is and having to relearn how to live in the world as that person. That, on top of relationship stresses, just made for a break up cocktail. Edited October 15, 2014 by rawrrxlaurr
leoc1973 Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I know lots of people are going to jump on the get rid of that loser bandwagon and you are going to hear the "it's called a breakup because its broken" It's not corny to say that you are best friends who are in love with each other. It's what pretty much every human being on the face of the earth looks for their entire life. It is really rare to find it. I have had 5 serious long term relationships in my life and I have only found it once and it was completely devastating when I lost it. When we talk of soulmates or our other halves it's what we mean so my advice would be to stick with him for a while. He seems to really want to change and very eager to please you. Like I said before you can't get rid of a guy for being in a rut because we all go through them at one point or more in our life. My rut is where my ex dumped me and a year or so later she wanted me back but it was too late. I am assuming she must have felt like she made a huge mistake. Let him try to crawl out of his hole because it will show a lot of what type of fabric he is made of. If a year from now he is still in it then it's time to really let him go. What is going to happen is you are going to break up with him date a few other guys who mostly idiots or man whores or you just don't have chemistry with. Then you are going to bump into your guy with another girl down the road and it's going to destroy you. Of course there is a chance that you meet another guy who totally blows you away and you can't believe you ever wasted time with this guy now but odds are usually against it. Long story short. My vote is "stand by your man" You will come out at the other end even stronger than before because it's really touching to a guy when a woman stands by him. It lets him know that when you say your vows that you really mean them. And that is everything to a guy. Tackle your issues as a single unit that these bad things are happening to both of you and not individually. 1
Author rawrrxlaurr Posted June 9, 2016 Author Posted June 9, 2016 Stood by my man. We made it another 2 years. He ended up being amazing. But we were just not right for each other. Crazy. 4 years later. Love is a time warp! Lol. 1
nsg1122 Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 Stood by my man. We made it another 2 years. He ended up being amazing. But we were just not right for each other. Crazy. 4 years later. Love is a time warp! Lol. If you don't mind me asking, why weren't you guys right for each other? (I'm assuming you broke up with - sorry, I couldn't decipher exactly for your quote above) There must have been some type of compatibility if you guys stayed together for that long?
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