Did she ever love me at all?

[youngandlost92]

So this is my first time posting here. I'm not sure where else to turn. This will probably be a long post so strap yourself in... Hope you guys can relate.

 

I got dumped by my ex of two years about 4 weeks ago. We had what you would call a complicated relationship. I met her online (please don't judge) in 2012 and we hit it off. Started chatting more and more every day until before long we had agreed to stay loyal to one another. This girl was just... incredible. I had seen pics and we skyped all the time so I knew what I was dealing with. You don't expect to find girls like this online. She is beyond gorgeous. WE built this connection that was unexplainable. Telling each other all of our deepest darkest secrets and both relating to troubles that were going on in each others lives. I live in Ireland and she in Australia. She is actually Muslim and Im Catholic but this wasn't a major issue at first, with our live blinding us to any possible problems that may arise. Our chats began to become a bit of an obsession. She would stay up till 6 in the morning and have to be up at 7. I helped her through some pretty horrific problems at home during those late nights, and she promised she she would be forever grateful. When we met, I was 19 and she was 17. At first I honestly thought it would be nothing more than a lust for this beautiful girl but it became so much more... I would spend every waking moment craving her, wishing she would speak to me or call me baby as she so affectionately did. I was absolutely awestruck. She assured me she was too. She once actually told me that if I hadn't been around during that particular time she would have killed herself. She had recently been through a spell of missing a lot of school, gaining a lot of weight and cutting herself daily. It scared me so much that I would leave her texts to wake up to just reminding her of how beautiful and important she was to me and everyone else. And I meant it. She really was special. I have never met anyone like her and imagine it will be difficult to ever do so again. SHe just had this spark... something I found so lacking in so many other girls. I would literally smile ear to ear every time my phone lit up just hoping that it was from her. She would call me and wake me in the mornings and urge me to hurry home from college so we could Skype. I felt loved... I had never felt this wanted. She made me feel so important and so unique. SHe melted my heart. Honestly, things only got better for the next few months. When she finally turned 18 we began to include a sexual element to our relationship as best we could. These experiences really bonded us. I was happy to wait as long as it mattered for her to be in my arms for real though. She did tend to have massive mood swings which were quite difficult to deal with at times. But I always stood by her side even when her family made it perfectly clear that she was not wanted. Her parents had begun to put pressure on her to get married... She was 18, but she was a Lebanese Muslim after all. This was difficult on me. She would tell me of guy after guy reaching out to her for her hand in marriage but she would always decline. She would cry every night about the pressure from her parents and how they were getting fed up with her rejections. I was in too deep to back out at this stage. Plus I genuinely loved this girl. I hope you guys understand that. This was real.

 

 

Then... came the day when it all came crashing down. The text letting me know that her parents had had enough and had agreed to marry her off to another family. Crushed doesn't even begin to cover it... I was inconsolable. It had been almost a year of pure bliss at this stage and yet she was to be married within a few months. I tried for weeks to accept what had happened. As did she. We couldn't cut each other off though. I still felt this insatiable urge to just take care of her. About a month later we agreed that there was nothing left that we could do. I headed on a holiday with a friend to try to take my mind off it. But I saw her everywhere... No other girl could compare to my boo. Then one night on my holiday I got a call. It was her. Bawling her eyes out. She told me of how he was beating her and she was cutting again. WHat could I do? I tried my utmost to console her before I found myself in tears non stop about what was happening. I just couldn't help the way I felt, until finally she asked me would I come to see her before her marriage. I was shocked. The trip from Ireland to Australia would take a lot of money and a lot of planning. Just to see a girl who would then be marrying someone else shortly after? Was I crazy to even consider it? Probably... but the heart wants what the heart wants. I got home from my first holiday and explained to my parents what was happening. They were furious. My friends were furious. No one supported me... except her. I booked a flight for a week later and headed off alone, scared, but full of love.

 

The next day... we met. FIREWORKS. It was more than either of us could ever have predicted. We were both virgins, and on that first day made love for hours. She had been so adamant that we would be each others first that she went against her religion and beliefs and gave herself to me. And I to her. It was as special to me as to her. I had always valued my virginity. It was not ****ing or banging. We made love. It was beautiful. I actually cried from happiness everyday, and am not ashamed to admit that. This girl was even more gorgeous in person. I couldn't believe it, rubbing my eyes all the time to check if this was reality haha. It was... she was in my arms. For that month.. she was mine. AFter seeing what we had, she purposely sabotaged her engagement, picking fights with him and his family over everything and trying her best to escape... which, rather shockingly, she did. One day she came by and the ring was gone... SHe was in tears of happiness when she arrived at my door. We could do it now! Forever! I would convert for her and once my studies were finished, I would move and we would be together. A week later, after a long journey of pure joy, I headed home... Sad to be leaving her behind but so excited about what our futures had in store. She gave me presents to bring home to my family, who had even started to warm to her after what I had told them. It was all working out for a while...

 

 

After a great couple of months, I noticed around Christmas time that she was starting to act a little distant, missing the physical intimacy desperately. I understood, but was more than willing to wait it out through the hard times. She assured me everything was ok, but I could always sense when something was bothering her. A couple of weeks later, she tells me theres someone else... heartbroken... again. ****ing seriously? She tells me that the distance was too much between us and that he is there in front of her. So I told her to take some time and choose, me or him. Then I get a text the next day... him, not me. My whole world actually fell apart this time. It was much harder than the first time because this time, it was her choice. I remember collapsing in a ball on my bedroom floor and my dad having to physically carry me to bed. The weeks that followed were without doubt the worst of my life... I lost weight, confidence and all of my motivation. Yet... like an idiot, I stayed in touch with her. Please don't judge me too hard... I was young and didn't know what else to do. She broke me inside and out and yet strangely, talking to her was my only escape. I don't know if it was because of me, but problems started to come with her fiancé. Turns out he was a dick and nice guy me was there for her as a shoulder to cry on. So of course when they inevitably broke up, there I was with open arms. Man I feel like an idiot even writing this... We went from strength to strength and before long it was like nothing had ever changed.

 

I actually headed back to Australia to see her after another few months! She was so so excited... calling me everyday just to tell me how excited she was to see me again. To kiss me and hug me. I was ecstatic. That feeling of being wanted is like no other. And since it was the first time I had felt this, I was hooked. I couldn't help myself. And to be perfectly honest... I still loved her. So she collected me from the train station in Sydney and our love affair continued against all the odds. We went out for food and then back to my hotel where we picked up where we had left off last year. Unable to take our hands off each other. She came back the second day and things were incredible again. But the third day something came up and she wasn't around. That was cool. Id head into the city for the day. After all our two year anniversary (minus the drama) was in a few days time! So I went and spent a fortune on gifts for her. I could not WAIT to see her face when I gave them to her. Carefully thought out and perfect presents. The next day she couldn't come by either... and then the next, or the next. As you can imagine, I was starting to get a little panicky, but she was about to finish at college so I understood. Then, on the Saturday, came our anniversary. I got up like a kid on Christmas just buzzing to see her. I showered, get dressed up in a nice shirt and sat on my bed waiting with her presents in my hand. After about half an hour I got a text. Oh its her! Probably just asking what I want for brekkie.

 

 

But... no. It wasn't. 'Im sure you can tell by now that I just haven't been feeling the same this week. Im honestly so sorry and don't know why but I just cant see you. Its not the same anymore. I guess being with someone in real life and online are just too different. Im done'. I went numb. What? Wait what? It must be a dream. No one could do this, after two engagements, two years, so many shared experiences, all of this money and distance, to finish me by text on our anniversary? Whats worse is I was alone. I had literally no one to talk to or comfort me, and I had three weeks left in Australia. I thought about ending it right then and there. WHo would miss me anyway? Maybe then she would see what being so horrible can do in reality? After a few hours I pulled myself together and decided that I could never do that to my family. Not for me, or for her, but for my family. But wow... I was just in uncontrollable grief. I cried day and night for the next few days, until she called me and said she wanted to come by. I agreed, and she came. She hugged me as she stepped in the door, and I immediately wanted to weep. She had complete emotional control over me, and it wasn't fair. I knew this, and she knew this. We sat down and talked for a while and she explained to me that it just didn't feel the same as last year. Obviously it was going to be hard to live up to that I explained. That was our first time seeing each other, while I also told her that my love had waned during our relationship. She understood and I gave her the presents. She began to cry as she looked through the bag, causing me to break down. I told her how awful it was what she had done, and that I had been through hell in the hotel room because of her. She apologised and we agreed to work on things for the rest of my time there.

 

 

Pfft... ye. She came by a couple more times but would barely kiss me not to mention have sex. I cried every single day and tormented myself with thoughts of her laying in my bed with her head on my chest. Two weeks passed with her making no real effort, with me now only a couple of days from heading home. I text her and told her to come by tomorrow or not bother coming by at all. She made up a couple of excuses and... well that was it. She showed no remorse and just kinda said sorry but its not my fault how I feel. So, I headed home...

 

That was it. All of this time, money, love, EVERYTHING, meant nothing. She really didn't seem to care. I text her after a week looking for an explanation. She assured me that she had told the truth about her not feeling the same. I accepted. But then, for no reason... she tells me that she had sex with another guy two days after I had left. I had been her only partner up to this, and after two days out of the picture, she was having a day of smoking weed and having sex with a guy who she had no problem assuring me was 'bigger' and 'better' than me at sex. What did I do to deserve this? Her body had always been sacred and respected by me, yet she gave it up to a guy she doesn't even like as if it was nothing. I feel inadequate, unimportant and just broken... I had always treated her like gold. I really really had. I honestly don't know how I am still breathing after being crushed so many times. She said that she only got with him because she felt so bad about what had happened with us and that she 'just wanted to feel needed'. I called her a slut which she took offence to, and she laughed and brushed the whole thing off like it was nothing, but said that she had to tell me because she felt guilty and couldn't tell anyone else. She is now engaged to another guy and seems happy. WHats the point in trying when this can just happen? I have lost my faith in everything, Im losing weight again, have lost my self esteem completely, and now am actually worrying about sexual shortcomings. Love? That is not something that im gonna be taking a risk on again any time soon. Im a shell of the guy I was at 19. She has set me back years and yet is moving forward in her life with a new job, fiancé, and plans of a great life. Ive heard that life can be cruel, but Ive had about as much as I can take. I don't even know if anyone will respond, but I can assure you that this is all 100% true to the word. I want to name and shame her, but whats the point? I even have videos of us having sex which I could easily use to ruin her, but she said she would kill herself if I ever did. I don't even know if I care what happens to her anymore. She has ruined my life, and while I know I could have been smarter about all of this, she took advantage of me and played me like a fool with no remorse.

 

Any advice or even kind words would be appreciated... sorry for the length of the post.

 

Hope this finds you all in better shape than Im in.

Peace

[Strength in Healing]

I'm not giving you kind words, because whether you realize it or not, you don't need kind words.

 

You and her were co-dependent and toxic.

 

I am well beyond doubt that she had borderline personality disorder.

 

Did she really love you?

 

Not like you imagine love. It was very toxic, sick, and broken. Borderline's can't love in any way you or anyone normal could understand, and co-dependency in the mix is such a disgusting recipe for HELLISH disaster.

 

 

You have to open your eyes. This is insane.

 

INSANE.

 

I liken borderline's to pedophiles. Disgusting, and will only cause harm and destruction to EVERYTHING in their path. No TRUE remorse, just pain.

 

Get a grip. You have to see this for what it is, not what you imagined in your head.

 

 

I felt your pain before, but I did research, I learned, and I got stronger despite some tears. You made her your world, and perhaps that was another one of the problems. Earth is your world.

Edited October 9, 2014 by Strength in Healing

[mightycpa]

Didn't you post this same story a couple weeks ago? Same answer. She loved you enough to spend that time with you, but not enough to spend her life with you.

 

It happens, more frequently than you realize.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with the poster above. What you thought you had and what she thought you had were two different things. Love and co-dependency aren't one and the same, and it sounds like your relationship with her involved primarily the latter. She isn't stable. Unfortunately, you invested far more than she did. Someone who isn't stable just won't be able to love you the way you wish they could.

 

Is there someone close by you can talk to? A neutral third party, preferably. Someone who is removed from the situation and doesn't have a bias toward either of you? Consider contacting a counselor. I am suggesting this because you sound truly distraught and as though you could hurt yourself. This girl isn't worth it. Your task now is to focus on healing.

 

Whatever you do, do not distribute adult videos of the two of you. That will come back to bite you harder than you can imagine.

[Natsu21]

Jesus, this was pathetic.

 

Dude, you wreak of desperation. I'm gonna be the bearer of bad news.

 

You were in a co-dependent long-distance relationship. You were doomed from the start.

 

No use crying over spilled milk. This isn't love, not sure if it ever was...it's toxic co-dependency.

[Strength in Healing]

Jesus, this was pathetic.

 

Dude, you wreak of desperation. I'm gonna be the bearer of bad news.

 

You were in a co-dependent long-distance relationship. You were doomed from the start.

 

No use crying over spilled milk. This isn't love, not sure if it ever was...it's toxic co-dependency.

 

Read my post above lol

[lauri]

Its a tough pill to swallow.

 

Even if she did love you, it doesn't matter.

 

The problem is that you need to start to pull yourself together and eliminate your "desperation". No matter who you end up being with, they will be turned off by this desperation and it will only work against you.

 

I get it, you did a lot for this girl and expected more respect when this ended. The only respect you are going to get is the respect you demand. Unfortunately, the only way for this to happen is by you going NC. My experience with some Muslim Arabic girls is they are confused and don't know what they want...but most of the time in the end they end up marrying an Arabic guy set up by their family. Some rebel and get disowned by their parents and marry a non-Muslim. Some of them pretend to be a virgin even though they've been stuffed more then a turkey on thanksgiving.

 

Look man, your situation wasn't good. Its okay though...the positive is you can learn from this experience and grow. The only way you can do that is to swallow your pride and accept your fault. I suggest you really look deep inside of yourself and start to try to figure out what you need to improve on (for example, your confidence. fake it until you make it;)). You should have cut it off when she got engaged to another man - there was no chance in hell that it would have worked out. Her parents would have never accepted you (unless you converted) and it would've been a hugggge pain the ass / culture shock for you to take her in.

 

I wouldn't do anything like sending her sex video out. I'll explain why:

 

1) It'll shame her family. Her family may even disown her and she will live her life on her own

2) The fiance will find out, end it with her and give her a bad name in the Middle East and also locally where she is based. She will never be able to get married.

 

What does that make you look like? That makes you look like a loser. That makes you look out of control. I don't understand why you would want to ruin someones life over this. Look dude, look at my story. I went to Middle East to visit my Palestinian/Lebanese girlfriends parents on my way home (I was working abroad) and she dumped me a day after I landed. I cut her off and moved on. She came crawling back a few days ago begging for me back but I learned that through this process she isn't worth any of the pain I went through. One day you will get there...the pain you can get over...however, you won't be able to take back ruining her life. If anything, she gave you a reason to find someone better who will not make you go through all of this that you are now.

[SoThatHappened]

youngandlost,

 

Well... you picked a fitting username!

 

Okay, that was a cheap shot, so here comes some help:

 

- Your 29-year-old self is going to look back on this and laugh

- You are very naive, and dependent on someone else making you happy. No bueno.

- This girl may have Borderline Personality Disorder, she may not. The only thing that makes me state that is that you mentioned she would cut herself.

- Even if she's not BPD, she's not stable. Still, lookup BPD and you'll be able to spot the warning signs in the future.

- Anytime a girl goes cold out of the blue, there's someone else in the picture. Learn this now and recognize it in the future.

- You are devastated right now. Not gonna kick you while you're down. I've been there. What you need to do is focus all of your energy on acting like this girl is dead. Seriously

- Also, become a ghost to her. Block all forms of communication. Do not give her any avenue to contact you. It really helps that she's what, 9,000 miles away?

- Speaking of 9,000 miles away... don't try to get into relationships with that distance in the future. Long Distance Relationships are hard, and have a very high failure rate. Extremely long distance relationships are like pissing in the wind... in my opinion.

 

You're young. You're going to get over this and be fine. Sure, you're hurting right now, but take the advice on this forum and work toward improving yourself and being able to spot red flags in the future.

 

You need to build up some confidence and work on those dependency issues.

 

You'll be fine. Stay tuned to this forum.

[MrBossMan]

Strength In Healing is right. This is almost certainly a case of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I've been there and learned a great deal over the past few years.

 

You were caught in the cycle of her idealization-devaluation psychosis. The reason that she felt so magical and special is that she mirrors you. She seems like your perfect match because she is mirroring your personality and also showing herself as someone who she knows you desire. They are natural experts at this. I was celibate (thankfully), but I've learned that the reason the sex is so good (it always is with bpd's) is because they are tuned into your needs, though they use sex as a tool to dominate you.

 

From what you've said, I would bet that she lied about her past sexual experiences. She painted all her past suitors as bad or abusive just like she will do the same to you with the new guys. It's called "splitting" and it means that they either see people as all good or all bad, never gray. If they are idealizing you, even your faults are overlooked, but when they're bored with you or if the relationship is getting too serious, they will start painting you black. At first, it usually lasts a day or two at a time before you're white again, but it's the beginning of the end.

 

And to answer your question: Did she love you? Yes and no. She loved you in the same way that you value money: for what it can do for you. You loved her for the reason you love art, because of its intrinsic value. She doesn't actually love you, but is using you because she thinks you can "save" her (but bpd's won't allow you to save them for long as there will always be some crisis or need popping up).

 

Google "BPD Family" to learn more and to read how other non-bpd's are coping with the breakups. Also, check out the symptoms.

 

P.S. There is no cure. Even many therapists will cut contact and even need therapy themselves because of the psychological damage you can suffer when dealing with these folks. You should feel lucky that you weren't one of the unfortunate few who actually marry these people. It's never pretty and never worth it. There is no "love conquers all" or "happily ever after."

Edited November 2, 2014 by MrBossMan