I can't get over this!

[Ratty]

I just can't get over the feelings I have. I am so annoyed with myself and am so worried he's going to leave me. Now I know this is normal but I find myself wanting to have sex with him every minute. Is this normal??

 

I do have a high libido but this is getting ridiculous. I am obviously associating keeping him with sex or something. I don't know. It seems a bit odd really.

 

We are going to see the MC next week so maybe it'll come up at some stage. I don't suppose anyone has any ideas on what I can do?

 

If he rejects me even slightly I feel he wants to leave me, when in reality he's just not up to it twenty times a day!!

I can't concentrate on anything while he seems to be fine. The only thing he gave out about was that I said I was upset about what happened and he said 'yeah thanks for reminding me of that.' Then he said he was only joking when i got upset.

 

Surely this is not a natural reaction?

[jmargel]

Well.. Honestly that's the consequence you are paying for doing what you did. You can't expect your husband to be ok with your cheating.

 

And having sex with him is not going to keep him with you. You are relating the two together. Like I said in my previous post, you need to stop overworking your mind. If he didn't want to work this out he would have left. He didn't. He's going to MC with you. I don't know how much more you want from him, when it's him that is hurting probably twice as much as you.

 

If you don't think you'll last until next week, call up the MC and see if they can get you in sooner.

[Moose]

I just can't get over the feelings I have. I am so annoyed with myself and am so worried he's going to leave me. Now I know this is normal but I find myself wanting to have sex with him every minute. Is this normal??

Yes, it's very normal. But don't make the mistake that this is what he wants from you. Find other areas to concentrate on. Is the house spotless? Does he have a 3 course meal ready after work? Do you make sure everything is set for him to relax after a hard day? Find other avenues to focus your sexual frustrations on.

I do have a high libido but this is getting ridiculous. I am obviously associating keeping him with sex or something. I don't know. It seems a bit odd really.

It's in the back of your mind that you shared the part of yourself that should souly belong to your husband. So now, you're trying to give him more to replace what you gave to someone else. Does that make sense?

We are going to see the MC next week so maybe it'll come up at some stage. I don't suppose anyone has any ideas on what I can do?

IF this is an area that is obviously upsetting most to you, you need to bring it up, ASAP. Don't wait for it to, "come up". Chances are you'll see the councelour both together and seperatley. So when you're alone with him/her, bring it up yourself, don't wait.

If he rejects me even slightly I feel he wants to leave me, when in reality he's just not up to it twenty times a day!!

You're doing all you can to better the situation. If you dwell on how he feels every second of the day, you'll lose focus on the ultimate goal of putting all this behind you. Relax, and let your actions be your witness to him. It's damn hard being in the dark about what he's feeling, but if you want to accomplish peace in your house, you're going to have to trust that he's healing.

Well.. Honestly that's the consequence you are paying for doing what you did. You can't expect your husband to be ok with your cheating.

Look jmargel, sometime you say the darnest things without thinking, she already knows there's a price to pay, she doesn't need us to remind her. The husband made the decision to work this out and seek help. He should at the very least lighten up on her when she's trying to share her feelings and thoughts about it. We shouldn't be telling her, "well, what do you expect", when the husband made a committment to stand by her and work it out. We should be telling her to give him more time to realize she needs to heal as well.

[Ratty]

Moose,

Thank you so much. I got tears in my eyes reading what you wrote. It makes sense. I do know that it's what I deserve but I guess I was expecting a much more outward explosion...didn't think he'd shrink into himself. I want to hug him and keep telling him I'm sorry but he just says that he knows I am and to leave it at that.

 

I am trying to concentrate on other things but I'm also afraid to take my eye off the ball so to speak. I know it'll take time. Maybe I should give him some space.

 

I'm so glad I can write here because it is difficult to open up to friends sometimes.

[only1life]

Ratty,

 

Well, sex is nice, but sex alone is not going to keep him with you. More important than sex is communicating. He'll likely need to talk, and you'd better tell the truth. Prepare yourself for emotions that you've never known you had! These things bring them out!

 

Having found out about my wife's affair a little over 6 months ago, I put together a little list of the things that I appreciated when she did them for me. You'll have to customize them for yourself.

 

I want to hear her say that she is sorry for falling for the other guy.

 

I want to hear her say she regrets being close to him.

 

I want to hear her say that the sex wasn't so good, not nearly as good as it is with me (always helps to boost a male's ego!) And by the way, I'm built better, too, right?

 

I want her to say she is sorry for lieing to me about it, when I suspected it, and asked her to her face if there was another guy.

 

I want her to say she feels really bad about lieing to me and extending her "conference" trip to be with him longer when she knew that I was at home with the kids, missing her.

 

I want her to say it was all a big mistake on her part, and she'll never do it again.

 

I want her to say that now she realizes that it wasn't worth it and will never do it again.

 

I want her to say that she really feels rotten about treating me like scum, to her own benefit.

 

I want her to say that she now realizes that we have a great thing going, and it was a BIG mistake for her to risk it all for a longshot chance at another relationship.

 

I want her to say she got caught up in the excitement, and it was all a big mistake.

 

And I want her to say these things without any prompting from me, so that I know that she really means it.

 

I want her to answer all the stupid questions I have, because I'm forever looking for answers, in the hope that I can prevent it from happening again, if only I knew exactly why it happened the first time.

 

And I want her to believe me when I tell her that I forgive her, cause I do, as hard as it is. And I know that it was partially my fault - none of us is perfect, I'm sure that I had grown too confident, and had ignored some of her feelings, leading her to find them elsewhere.

 

And I want her to understand that I'm scared that it could happen again, and need reassurances and communication that it won't.

 

And I want her to understand my feelings when we're being intimate, and suddenly I get weird thoughts going thru my head that interrupt things, and please be patient with me, cause I'm trying to recover and relearn how to enjoy the great closeness that used to be ours exclusively.

 

And I want her to understand that I need to hear these things frequently, and just cause I need to hear them, that doesn't mean that I don't believe her.

 

And I want her to understand that it is going to take quite a long time for me to really feel strong trust between us, like we had before, and I don't want her to think that it is because I don't feel good about her.

 

And I want her to do what I'm now doing, thinking of this big event as a bad mistake that we will learn from, and will make our relationship better in the long run. It won't be forgotten, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let one bad mistake ruin our chance of future happiness. OK, I should say here that I love her, and I really believe her when she says she loves me.

 

OK, that's my story. Maybe it can be of some use to you.

 

Good luck.

[fleafly]

only1life, great post, thank you. I am going to copy it and email it to my wife, as she doesnt know WHAT to say to me at this point, its either total silence or hysteria.

[Guest]

Originally posted by Ratty

Surely this is not a natural reaction?

Not sure how natural it is but it does have a name: Hysterical Bonding.

[Ratty]

Now I feel he doesn't care about me at all. I know I'm being ridiculous and I probably need a good kick in the ass but...

 

My H has told me now that I really need to get over what happened. He says that if hes gotten past it then so can I. How the hell did he get over it so quickly? He says he doesn't want any details, that he kinda figured out early on what had happened and has already dealt with all the anger and wants to get past this now.

 

I should be glad but now I'm furious. I was going through hell and all the time he knew. He even told me it was somewhat selfish of me to tell him.

 

I guess I should just get over myself and find someway of venting my emotions without involving H? Is that what people would tell me? I don't know, I feel it would be easier to just roll over and give up.

[Rick5478]

I don't even know what you're talking about. You're angry at your husband for not being more angry at you? I agree that it's absurd of him to get over it. He should've left by now and filed divorce papers. No wonder you cheated on him. He has no self-esteem. Have another affair. Maybe that'll be a good way to vent your anger.

[Mz. Pixie]

Rick- whatever happened to you I am so sorry. Are you getting counseling??

 

Ratty- I think your husband is in denial. He wants to just try and forget it and move on- many rape victims do this but it never really works.

 

You're going to have to give him time. I know you're in a panic wanting to fix things but it is going to take time.

 

You need to find something else to focus on right now. Have you been to the marriage builder site? Keep showing your husband that you love him and that you're sorry. That's all you can do.

 

It would be a shame if he could move on but you couldn't and that's what ended the marriage.

[Ratty]

Ms P. Thank you for your post. My H and I went to counselling last night and he told the MC that he understood why I had the ONS and all the factors that contributed to it. He says he believes me when I say I love him and will never do it again and that he will never leave me because he is in love with me. He said that obviously if I did it again that he would have a problem trusting me but as things stand now that he would still trust me though maybe a little less than he did previously.

 

The MC believes we have some issues to sort out in our marriage that are independent to what happened that fateful night but says that I need to trust my H and believe what he says.

 

I think it went very well and we will continue to go because we want to have the best damn relationship ever!