misssheldon Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Hi, I am new to this forum, sort of just looking for an outlet for my feelings at the moment. My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me two nights ago and I am in a state of shock and I can't even begin to move forward with my life. It was very out of the blue; I knew our relationship was different from how it was at the start, but doesn't that always happen? He said the spark was gone and that what we did didn't excite him anymore. I asked if we could work on it, he didn't seem super keen on that idea. I figured in the end that the damage was done and if we did try again I would just be constantly paranoid that he wasn't happy. Since then he has blocked contact with me (I can tell by the chat interface) and he isn't accepting my calls. I am just so unbelievably hurt and lonely. We had a rocky couple of months earlier this year and broke up for a little bit but I gave him another chance. He had lied to me a few times but something told me was special and I needed to give him a chance. Do I regret that now? Well, no but it's difficult when I know I could have saved myself this hurt. I just can't go anywhere, even in my home without seeing reminders of him. His stuff is still here, I have packed it away but knowing it's there is just as tough. I have had heartbreak in the past but nothing has felt like this. I just can't even imagine getting through the next few days. Can't even imagine what I'm going to do with myself. I do have good friends but I did EVERYTHING with him. Silly things like the thought of going to the cinema without him really upsets me because I will have no one to cuddle. I will have no one to fall asleep next to. We won't be able to talk about our favourite TV shows together. He won't be able to spend time with my cats, who love him and he loved them. I'm not going to torture myself about what went wrong, because he never once gave me any indication he was unhappy. He always told me he was really happy that we could just enjoy eachother's company and sometimes we would do our own thing and he was fine with that. Or so I thought. It's just so, so tough. I can't see a way out of this? I can't sleep, eat or think straight. I am just completely lost.
feelymcfeel Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Sounds not dissimilar to what happened to me - a sudden break up, no real reason given, no warning etc. My advice would be spend as much time as possible with people you care about - friends, family. I was alone in a town where the only person I knew was her, and it was a nightmare. It will take time, but the pain will subside. Trust me. 3
hazy_shade_of_grey Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 You are not worthless, your relationship with him did not define you. The wounds are still fresh and you are going hurt for a while. Distractions help, anything to get your mind off of him. Get out of the house and take a walk, see a movie (not a rom-com), meet up with friends. I know you won't feel up for much but do what you can to get your mind elsewhere. There is lots of helpful advice here. Best of luck. 3
mightycpa Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 The way out? You have to feel the pain, accept the reality and forgive him for not loving you back. It is not his fault. This is the path to freedom. 1
Bella2 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I'm sorry for you, I know how you feel. But it's only been two days, it's totally normal to feel like that! You're panicking right now, you don't know what the future is gonna hold for you, you miss him (or the idea of him): it's all part of the package..... 7 weeks ago I was where you are right now. Couldn't get out of bed for a whole week. Thought my life was over. But since a couple of days I'm feeling so much better, and that will happen to you too (even if you don't believe me right now, it's true). You say that once you already broke up with him. Try to remember why you did that! The relationship was already broken back then. For now: dump his stuff somewhere where you won't see it (garage? attic?). And keep breathing and know that we all have been where you are now and you WILL be fine. Take care! 2
d0nnivain Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 You are grieving. This is a loss & by the sounds of it, a shock. It's Thursday . . . take the rest of the week & the weekend & wallow but by Monday you at least have to get dressed & go to work / school. Things will get better. You will survive this. You have value & you will live to love again. Hang in there. 2
Author misssheldon Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 (edited) Thank you for the replies. I think I know deep down that it will get better but at the moment I feel like I'm in a hole that I can't get myself out of. I know it's only been two days but they've probably been the toughest of my life. I live with my mum and she can't seem to fathom why I'm so upset. When she sees me crying she just says 'he's not worth it get a grip of yourself'. I really wish I could! I'm a former painkiller addict and I am really struggling right now to keep that under control. I feel like I need something to numb these feelings. I managed work today, but I can't tomorrow. Today has been a step back for me. I'm so annoyed at myself and wish I could just move on. ETA: I know it makes sense to be around people but I'm just a crying wreck just now I don't see how I can. Edited October 9, 2014 by misssheldon
umirano Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 hey, I'm sorry to hear about your BU. I know how hard it is, esp. when you said that his things are still around. For some reason I pushed it off too. But you need to remove is things ASAP. And you need to go be with people (probably with people a little more understanding than your mother). They'll distract you. Do it a lot. Take all opportunities to go out. Go to different places and do different things from when you were with him. You'll get through this. It's only a 7 months RS. Some people were dumped after 7 years out of the blue. Good luck! umirano
d0nnivain Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 Do you have a sponsor or somebody you can talk to so you don't fall back into relying on painkillers to get you through this? he really isn't worth getting re-addicted. 2
lauri Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Love is a funny thing - it blinds you to the reality of your entire situation and its difficult to accept and understand. You were in a rocky relationship and I understand that you thought that you could work through the problems...I believe anything is workable if the two people put in the effort to make the changes and fix the situation. The key word here is the two people. With that said, you need to realize that a relationship is meant to enhance your life, not make it. I think that this situation sounds like it had some pretty big red flags...especially with him lying to you and having to reassure you of his commitment and how special you are. These are things that you shouldn't have to be reassured with words but rather with actions. Although I don't know the whole story, it sounds like this may be a blessing in disguise. Then again, I'm just picking on some words you put into your explanation and could be completely over analyzing it. Everything you are feeling is completely normal and it is far far too early for you to even expect you to be feeling "okay". You need to accept the pain and go through it. Doing anything to avoid the pain will only prolong your process of getting over this - don't take any shortcuts. And think about it this way, if you run to pain killers to avoid what you are feeling, it'll stop you from ever fully getting over this and being able to be with a man who will love you and make you feel like superwoman. He is selfish for doing what he did and when he comes back (because he will) you gotta stay strong and avoid any contact with him. 1
Author misssheldon Posted October 10, 2014 Author Posted October 10, 2014 Thanks, it's helped to get this advice and some perspective. Umirano...I appreciate your words however I don't feel like the length of a relationship is necessarily relative to the pain of the break-up. Not saying being dumped after 7 years wouldn't be painful, but even though it was only 7 months it has hit me very hard. I had a long talk with a good friend today. I offloaded a lot of the things I didn't like about my ex and some red flags I noticed that at the time I chose to overlook. For the first time I have got out of bed, cleaned the house and I even smiled. It's progress. Now when I start to think about him the tears don't automatically come like they have been since Tuesday. I don't have a sponsor or anything but talking on here and with friends has helped me. I have not relapsed and I don't intend to. 1
SoThatHappened Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 I know it's only been two days but they've probably been the toughest of my life. Leave the painkillers in the drawer. You will be a better person if you get through this without help from drugs. Heartbreak is tough to deal with. Definitely the toughest thing I've ever been through. When I got my heart ripped out the first time, it was a Wednesday. I missed work Thursday and Friday. Spent 4 days drinking non-stop. Didn't eat a thing. I was just an emotional wreck. Saturday morning rolls around, and I finally felt hungry. Ate a bowl of cereal and threw it back up within an hour. By Sunday, I realized I couldn't keep going on like this. I had to pull myself together and make it to work on Monday. It was hard... very hard. However, it got better. I even got back together with her 2 months later, but it was ill-fated to begin with. My point is, you're hurt. It happens to most of us. But, you will get past this. It's very hard in the beginning, but you'll get there. Trust me.
Donate Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 I feel great after being dumped. Its like a load has been lifted off my shoulders. Over the years of being with needy stalkers I found that the best way to break up is to have them dump you...this way you can pretend to be hurt and they will have to eat a whole lot of crow to say they made a mistake. Basically if you are the dumper, you loose leverage in the make up game. Count your blessings and move on...there are 7 Billion people in the World, don't get too fixated on just 1.
Stsm5934 Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 Misssheldon, I feel like I share a lot of similarities to your story. I very recently had a painful breakup after a 6 month relationship. I was so upset, for awhile it felt like I would never get a through a day without crying. But then I did. I'd say just be where you are right now, the fact that you overcame a powerful addiction tells me you are a strong enough person to handle this breakup. Also, I agree with you, the lenght of the relationship doesn't say anything about how your reaction to its end might be. Just remember that everything you are feeling right now it ok and even if it is difficult to imagine there will be a day when this boy is nothing more than a part of your past. When your feeling better, take a chance to really think about those redflags you noticed early on and why you didn't listen to yourself about them back when they occurred. A lot of times we tell ourselves a lot of things are OK about the person we date when really they aren't. I'm a recovering addict too and for some crazy reason I told myself it was no big deal that I was dating someone who was constantly stoned. I also felt like I had less value/was worthless after my break-up. It didn't really help or change how I felt to have other people tell me how wrong this is. Break-ups shake your confidence and your self-image. Time is the only thing that will make you realize your true value again. 2
Author misssheldon Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 After a week of no contact my ex text me and asked if we could arrange to swap back our belongings. At first I was scared but I felt like I was tied to him still with having his stuff. So I took it over and that was it. We have been chatting a little, not about getting back together but just as friends. Whatever is going to happen it is good having him in my life again, even in just a friend capacity. He pretty much vanished off the face of the earth for a week and said he didn't trust himself to stand his ground? I feel better, sometimes when I think about it in more depth I get a weird feeling but overall I think I will be ok.
Nykaria Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I know how you're feeling. I'm going through the same thing as you....well its been 5 weeks for me. But i'm stuck at day one because i stupidly believed that we could remain friends after being dumped. WRONG!!!!! I had to put up with him constantly giving me false hope. He'd say he misses me like crazy but never visit, phone and text constantly but only to buddy chat, MOVED IN WITH HIS EX (apparently for the sake of his son) He claims they aren't back together....yeh right!!!! Told me he's back in contact with another ex (only as friends...hmmmm) I finally had enough last night and told him that it was too soon for us to go from a relationship to friendship because deep down i know i want him back in my life. I told him i need time to heal and i promised, when i was in a better place, if he still wanted friendship we could take it from there. I told him that after we speak i always get sad so we gotta quit speaking. He messaged me back saying that i made him sad and how much he loves me. But what i hear is "I still want to lean on you but without the sexual and emotional committment". I CRIED MY EYES OUT!!!! The best thing we can do now is move on for our own sake. Know your worth and know that we deserve to have someone in our lives who could never bear to be apart from us. I now know that it wasn't the perfect relationship or we'd still be talking about a future together. I know it hurts like hell but we gotta take it a minute, hour,day, week, month at a time. Just remember that we wanna be happy and dwelling on our broken relationships will always make you feel sad.
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