xxoo Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Never have sex hoping it will lead to exclusivity. Ask him how he feels about sexual with/without exclusivity. That should be instructive. Hopefully it will be a conversation where you discover a compatibility, and not a conflict. 1
Author ThisisIt606 Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 In short, I want to convey I only have sex with one person at a time/ don't sleep around and if i'm feeling it with him, he will be that 1 person. In turn, I also want to make sure he doesn't sleep around with multiples at once (STDs, just generally gross in my opinion) I'm not asking him to be my bf with this (still too soon i think) but how do I convey if we start having sex I won't be doing it with anyone else will you? Bc if you are, sex is not something i want to participate in with you.
Redhead14 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 have the sex without exclusivity, blow mind then ask him for exclusivity over breakfast. I'd have a hard time saying no to that one no matter how many or how hot of other girls I was dating. Holy hell, LOL. Girls, practice your BJ's, kegels and cowgirl styles and go get the "one". Just pick him out! (Then dump his ass). By the way, I'll post here after breakfast tomorrow . . . I got one now I'm in a holding pattern for, I'll probably have a diamond on my finger and/or a new car at least.
LoneIsland Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 (edited) You want him to cut all his other contacts before he knows if you are any good. This is not going to happen. If he did and you turned out not as advertised, he would have burnt all his bridges. On the other hand, if you demonstrate you are mind-blowingly good, he will no longer need those bridges. Burning them will no longer be a problem. You have already conveyed loud and clear to him that you sleep with no one. Conveying this point further will add no value. Edited October 9, 2014 by LoneIsland 1
Redhead14 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 You want him to cut all his other contacts before he knows if you are any good. This is not going to happen. If he did and you turned out not as advertised, he would have burnt all his bridges. On the other hand, if you demonstrate you are mind-blowingly good, he will no longer need those bridges. Burning them will no longer be a problem. You have already conveyed loud and clear to him that you sleep with no one. Conveying this point further will add no value. A guy who wants to know if you're good enough in bed for him and uses that as his basis or seals the deal for him as to whether he should continue with a relationship . . . ? Nah, that kinda guy will want more really good bridges. 1
LoneIsland Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 A guy who wants to know if you're good enough in bed for him and uses that as his basis or seals the deal for him as to whether he should continue with a relationship . . . ? Nah, that kinda guy will want more really good bridges. Who said anything about continuing the relationship ? To a man, the relationship doesn't begin until all parts are certified to a certain quality.
xxoo Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I only have sex with one person at a time Tell him just that, and ask him how feels about sex without exclusivity. Not all men feel the same way. Ask! As a general rule, if you don't feel comfortable enough talking about sex with him, you shouldn't be having sex with him. Get to know each other before you worry about sex OR exclusivity. 2
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Tell him just that, and ask him how feels about sex without exclusivity. Not all men feel the same way. Ask! As a general rule, if you don't feel comfortable enough talking about sex with him, you shouldn't be having sex with him. Get to know each other before you worry about sex OR exclusivity. First and best thing I learned here on LS! I live by it now. 4
cif Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 In short, I want to convey I only have sex with one person at a time/ don't sleep around and if i'm feeling it with him, he will be that 1 person. In turn, I also want to make sure he doesn't sleep around with multiples at once (STDs, just generally gross in my opinion) I'm not asking him to be my bf with this (still too soon i think) but how do I convey if we start having sex I won't be doing it with anyone else will you? Bc if you are, sex is not something i want to participate in with you. Your points make perfect sense and should be addressed directly to him just like that... but NOT while you're about to have sex. Why not over the phone while planning for your next date? Does it really have to be face to face?
Redhead14 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Who said anything about continuing the relationship ? To a man, the relationship doesn't begin until all parts are certified to a certain quality. That may be so for some men . . . but if sex is part of a test that a woman has to pass in order to have a relationship, there wouldn't be very many single people. . . . men just need a place and . . . the woman just needs to show up. Plus, when they show up to take me on a date, give me a manual/study guide so I know what to study up on and/or so I have something to smack them in the head with when I realize that I have that test to pass. I can't wait to hear them tell me I'm bad in bed and that's why they bailed.
LoneIsland Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 That may be so for some men . . . but if sex is part of a test that a woman has to pass in order to have a relationship, there wouldn't be very many single people. . . . men just need a place and . . . the woman just needs to show up. Plus, when they show up to take me on a date, give me a manual/study guide so I know what to study up on and/or so I have something to smack them in the head with when I realize that I have that test to pass. I can't wait to hear them tell me I'm bad in bed and that's why they bailed. Sex is not so much a test, but an attraction. You can lay there like a sofa and you can still attract. What men need and seek is that attraction. But the attraction is not just visual. It involves the entire sexual cycle. Until a guy goes through that cycle, he has no way to tell there will be attraction. So he keeps his bridges unburnt.
BlueIris Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Tell him just that, and ask him how feels about sex without exclusivity. Not all men feel the same way. Ask! As a general rule, if you don't feel comfortable enough talking about sex with him, you shouldn't be having sex with him. Get to know each other before you worry about sex OR exclusivity. Yes. 100% yes. Now that's intimacy. Or stick your neck out and tell him how you feel, then ask. It'll lead the way in courage and candor, and show that you care about him enough to be open abut who you are. 1
mightycpa Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 At the risk of answering the original question, I'd probably go with this: Tell him that while you two have been dating, you've also been seeing other people. Tell him that you find that you really like him, and that you wanted to let him know that you are going to take your online dating profiles down and stop seeing other people. Tell him that you understand it is early, that you've only been dating for a short while, so you're not going to demand that he does the same, but that you wanted to let him know what your attitude is. Continue to go out with him. His response to that will tell you pretty much everything you want to know. It may not be immediate, but whatever he does within the next week or so will tell you if he's on the same page. He may need some time to think about what he wants, or to break it off with whoever else he might be seeing, so I'd give him a little time to sort things out. Maybe two weeks is fair. Anything less than a response in kind means he's not interested in that.
cif Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 At the risk of answering the original question, I'd probably go with this: Tell him that while you two have been dating, you've also been seeing other people. Tell him that you find that you really like him, and that you wanted to let him know that you are going to take your online dating profiles down and stop seeing other people. Tell him that you understand it is early, that you've only been dating for a short while, so you're not going to demand that he does the same, but that you wanted to let him know what your attitude is. Continue to go out with him. His response to that will tell you pretty much everything you want to know. It may not be immediate, but whatever he does within the next week or so will tell you if he's on the same page. He may need some time to think about what he wants, or to break it off with whoever else he might be seeing, so I'd give him a little time to sort things out. Maybe two weeks is fair. Anything less than a response in kind means he's not interested in that. NO. She should not tell him she was seeing other people! Why lie and play games? Did you read her most recent reply (you have to weed out the threadjacking). She makes very good points. OP, telling him you've been seeing other people when you have not will only make him think you're not into him.. and you like him right?
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Every man I've ever dated save one either asked for or immediately agreed to exclusivity before having sex. Emotional concerns aside, condoms do not offer 100% protection against STDs and it's perfectly normal to want to limit your exposure. You could say "I want to be exclusive before sex because I like not having herpes" and no one on the planet would fault you. Seriously though, as others have said, if you're not comfortable having the conversation, then you probably won't be comfortable having sex, either. Do it sometime in public, maybe over dinner or while on a walk. Don't build it up to be a huge deal because it really isn't. Just tell him you're really enjoying his company and you want to see where things go, but you don't feel right about having multiple partners or being intimate with someone who has multiple partners. There is a 95% chance he will say "I know, I'm not seeing anyone else either" or something to that effect. Boom, done. 2
Author ThisisIt606 Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 NO. She should not tell him she was seeing other people! Why lie and play games? Did you read her most recent reply (you have to weed out the threadjacking). She makes very good points. OP, telling him you've been seeing other people when you have not will only make him think you're not into him.. and you like him right? Yes, i do like him. I went on a BUNCH of dates before him and weeded out those guys. Since I've been seeing this guy in the post, let's call him B I have not gone on any other dates. yes, I am still texting guys/answering messages but these have all fallen flat in gone nowhere. As in the guy asks me when I'm free to hang out I give some days, I don't hear from him and then he texts "oh sorry, got busy you free this weekend?" Totally not worth it. THey don't make any effort to followup like B did in the beginning. So yes, I have my profiles still open and i'm not putting all my eggs in the B basket but with my eyes and ears open I have not found anything great. B is my main interest now. And for me in general, once i pass the 2 date mark with a guy (and I do like him) I stick to just 1 guy because I will get too flustered and anxious especially if a make out session as been had.
Author ThisisIt606 Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 NO. She should not tell him she was seeing other people! Why lie and play games? Did you read her most recent reply (you have to weed out the threadjacking). She makes very good points. OP, telling him you've been seeing other people when you have not will only make him think you're not into him.. and you like him right? Every man I've ever dated save one either asked for or immediately agreed to exclusivity before having sex. Emotional concerns aside, condoms do not offer 100% protection against STDs and it's perfectly normal to want to limit your exposure. You could say "I want to be exclusive before sex because I like not having herpes" and no one on the planet would fault you. Seriously though, as others have said, if you're not comfortable having the conversation, then you probably won't be comfortable having sex, either. Do it sometime in public, maybe over dinner or while on a walk. Don't build it up to be a huge deal because it really isn't. Just tell him you're really enjoying his company and you want to see where things go, but you don't feel right about having multiple partners or being intimate with someone who has multiple partners. There is a 95% chance he will say "I know, I'm not seeing anyone else either" or something to that effect. Boom, done. Yes, I like this. I was going to ask where/how I should bring it up bc I know the bedroom is NOT the place for it and he could more easily lie there bc sex is *so* close within his reach (literally) if we are in bed together.
xxoo Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 What I'm getting from this thread is that waiting for enthusiastic exclusivity is a good idea on many, many levels. Be patient, enjoy the early stages, and let the relationship unfold if it is going to unfold. Time always tells. 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 So i've posted a few times about this guy i'm dating I met from a paid online dating site (i'm in 20s he's in 30s 10 years older). Please see one of those threads for more background details about him/us. Right now we are dating/ assuming he is seeing other people but I don't know for sure. I do see him as logging on daily pretty much into the online site as am I. I am also talking to people but just haven't really found anyone who seriously interests me. I AM trying to keep my options open/not put all my eggs in one basket. There is a guy that interests me in my work building but nothing has been pursued. Anyways, he has initiated all dates. And he usually leaves the time/day open as in what's best for me. I always tell him tuesdays are out bc I have my hobby I go to at night. His sechedule seems pretty wide/flex aside from work. I feel as though it's still too soon, but how does one (female) approach the topic of being exclusive without making him run for the hills? Also, we have not had sex yet. I AM very attracted to him and would like to. He's tried to go a bit further twice but I've stopped him both times and he respected that. Is it best to wait until after establishing being exclusive for intimacy like that? Truthfully idk if I can hold out, but at the same time i don't want to FREAK OUT if we do have sex and then I over analyaze all his actions after/ worry he will fade. At the same time I do want to operate on "what feels right' but just be smart about it. I know there's prob no hard and fast rule, but anything that you've done in the past that has worked out well for you in regards to exclusivity/sex timing? Or what you WISHED you did? Thanks. I don't know, if it were me, I'd be happy if a girl just came out said she wanted to be exclusive. Then again, I'm not exactly the kind of guy women want to be exclusive with. So I don't know how a desirable guy might act. 1
Els Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 OP, if you're still there... My experience might be a bit different, as I'm from a slightly more traditional culture, but IME a guy who's genuinely interested in you would be thrilled at the prospect of being (mutually, of course) exclusive. My last ex initiated 'the talk' himself, and my current SO, well, his actions spoke all the words that were needed, and anyone who knew him knows that he doesn't 'do' anything other than exclusive. And yes, all of this happened before sex (and mind you my definition of 'sex' is pretty wide ). That being said, I don't see how it could hurt your chances with a genuinely compatible and interested guy if you bring it up. Don't make it a long, drawn out talk about marriage and babies, of course. Keep it simple, say you really like what you have with him and would love to be exclusive? Also, if it's important to you, I think you should just initiate the talk during a normal conversation, don't wait til you're making out and heading for sex before doing it.
Els Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 I don't know, if it were me, I'd be happy if a girl just came out said she wanted to be exclusive. Then again, I'm not exactly the kind of guy women want to be exclusive with. So I don't know how a desirable guy might act. Oh, stop putting yourself down, 49k. All the guys I've been with have desired exclusivity, and I found them desirable enough. You're perfectly fine, too.
Redhead14 Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 Maybe exclusivity actually would/should be about the sex part. You can both see other people but don't sleep with them. Even exclusivity isn't a committment to a longer term relationship. If one or the other is dating others and then finds one that they want to sleep with, then they likely aren't attracted to the other person enough not to do that. The whole honesty thing comes into play in a big way, but that exists anyway. If they do sleep with someone else, they need to tell the other one they are moving on. And this is assuming you don't sleep with everyone or a lot of the people you date. I've dated numerous men, but only a couple have sparked me enough to want to sleep with them and in the end haven't slept with anyone since my fiance passed a year and half ago. The next step above exclusivity then would be a committed relationship. It would be very difficult to assign definitions as a society. It's still such a personal thing.
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