Dating, how to have exclusivity talk? Sex fitting in?

[ktya]

Hey, worked for me! Where are the girls you were sleeping with now? Are they in a committed relationship with an amazing man who treats them like gold and whom they adore?

 

One of them is. I still talk to her regularly and its serious enough that they have introduced each other to their respective parents.

 

The other one is living with her boyfriend in another town. Although she still stops by from time to time and we hang out and have sex. Her moving away was part of the reason I chose the former for exclusivity and ended up choosing the wrong one. She called me on my birthday to sing me happy birthday. I'd still consider going exclusive with her.

 

I understand that this exclusivity before sex thing works sometimes for some people, there's no magic bullet in relationships. My point is that you really narrow your pool. Not all guys who want sex before exclusivity are creeps looking for a fling - some are just making sure they arent getting screwed around like your Mr. O.

 

:-)

[ktya]

A girl like me didn't lose any prize man, I was just sorting pebbles to find the gold nugget. O was a good guy, but not a good relationship choice for me (or anyone at that point, really), and because i was clear headed I could let him go instead of dragging it to the end of time.

 

A further thought on your Mr. O. Did you perhaps give thought that he felt he was losing a prize girl? He dated you for two months without sex. Then you broke it off with him and he kept trying for quite some time, obviously without getting the sex.

 

I'm not backing up Mr. O who I dont know (lol rhyme) he could be a loser or a creep for all I know. Just there is another side to each dating story.

[LoneIsland]

Exclusivity is not getting engaged to be married, it's just focusing on one person at a time to know if you're compatible. If you found out that you're not compatible in bed after sex after being exclusive then you can move on. It just gives each other a chance to get to know each other better and spend more time with each other. Relationship minded people won't mind being exclusive before sex. Those who are into casual ones would bolt out.

 

Ok, if the guy is not locked in, then I suppose it's a fair deal.

 

If the OP's guy were here, I'd tell him to lie. Once he checked out under the hood and unsatisfied, he can back out of the deal.

[ktya]

But... we all digress and have hijacked OPs thread with a bunch of drivel on the merits of exclusivity before or after sex and the usual gender war about how its not what a man wants it is what a woman needs and a bunch of other stuff totally irrelevant to the original question.

 

Her question was how to have the exclusivity talk because she figures sex is going to happen quite soon and shes not going to be able to resist much longer.

[BluEyeL]

 

My point is that you really narrow your pool. Not all guys who want sex before exclusivity are creeps looking for a fling - some are just making sure they arent getting screwed around like your Mr. O.

 

:-)

 

It's called being selective, looking for someone truly special, and respecting yourself. I do judge less favorably men who are sleeping around. They could be good guys, jsut not for me.

[ktya]

Ok, if the guy is not locked in, then I suppose it's a fair deal.

 

If the OP's guy were here, I'd tell him to lie. Once he checked out under the hood and unsatisfied, he can back out of the deal.

 

Yeah thats what I figure would happen. The guy would lie and hope for the best and in the end it would be practically no different than if she just had sex without exclusivity. Maybe he would eventually become exclusive with her, maybe he would keep dating other girls.

 

If he keeps dating however, OP is going to be in for heartbreak, because she'll catch him lying. If she had sex before exclusivity and had the exclusivity talk with the sexual side removed, he probably wouldn't lie about his intentions.

[BluEyeL]

A further thought on your Mr. O. Did you perhaps give thought that he felt he was losing a prize girl? He dated you for two months without sex. Then you broke it off with him and he kept trying for quite some time, obviously without getting the sex.

 

I'm not backing up Mr. O who I dont know (lol rhyme) he could be a loser or a creep for all I know. Just there is another side to each dating story.

 

Yes, he wasn't a creep at all. He is a good guy but was just not in a good place to be in a relationship right now and I can't wait years. I truly liked him, but he was only seeing me once every other week, had a lot of drama with the ex-wife, and there was no progress, I can't do that. Yes, he told me I'm a prize and he thinks I'll be off the market really fast. I do miss his friendship, but we can't stay in contact, it's best this way for all involved. I would have taken him back if he stepped it up. He didn't. He just called sporadically. That's not a thing.

[BluEyeL]

Yeah thats what I figure would happen. The guy would lie and hope for the best and in the end it would be practically no different than if she just had sex without exclusivity. Maybe he would eventually become exclusive with her, maybe he would keep dating other girls.

 

If he keeps dating however, OP is going to be in for heartbreak, because she'll catch him lying. If she had sex before exclusivity and had the exclusivity talk with the sexual side removed, he probably wouldn't lie about his intentions.

It's a risk, but it's much smaller than the alternative.

 

If you wait for sex (a couple of months or so!) and get to know each other first, people always tell you who they are, you just have to listen. you always learn about their character. Who will invest 2-3 months of dating a woman with no sex and then finally lie about being exclusive?

 

You're missing the point. It's not just not having sex before exclusivity. It's dating the guy enough to get to know him. Does he take you out at least once a week. Does he constantly contact you in between dates? Is he respectful? What are his values? How does he treat people in his life? How does he treat service staff? If he's dishonest, that will slip for sure in conversation. You won't risk much if you know what you're doing when sorting people out.

 

I was on one date with a guy, Mike. He took me to dinner. Then he texted me. "when are you coming in my town?". I said sure, what is the plan. he goes "no plan, spontaneous". right. I said I feel it's way early for spontaneous, but if he has a plan, let me know and I'll go. Never heard from him. And that's a good thing.

 

These men leaving is a GOOD thing. You weed the non-serious ones out really quick.

[ThisisIt606]

Thanks for all your input.Idealy I would like to wait until we are exclusive before being intimate like that. I'm fine with heavy making out bc I think that builds, interest, chemistry, can satisfy some urges. He has said to me mult times he really enjoys making out and he doesn't get bored with it, so if I"M bored I have to tell him.

 

What complicates maters here is that we've dated for 3 weeks and gone out on 5 dates. He's currently away for 3 weeks, just ending week 1 away. I think i'll have a better gauge of his interest when he comes back/how we interact.

 

He told me on the 2nd date he wasn't into hookups and on his profile he said he's not looking to "settle' just hasn't found the right person to settle down with. He uses the term "low key" (in terms of activities to do) a lot, which i think describes his personality pretty well. He's definitely outgoing and attractive (tall, good strong bod) and said he doesn't have probs meeting people- not purely for dating he said but just friends/ small talk on planes etc and hasn't done online dating much. He only tried bc he said it's hard to meet local people since he travels often.

 

From what little I know of him he seems like an attractive outgoing guy who has a good head on his shoulders. BUT since he's still actively using the site, I have no idea how serious or not his talks/ possible meetings with other girls are.

 

When he comes back, is it probs just best to go on some dates/hang out/ make out as before? and NOT bring up exclusive talk as we've had a 3 week "break" with him being away? I think we should get a feel for eachother again, I'll reassess and then bring up exclusivity.

 

Sorry if too graphic, but would any "hand on skin" contact below the waist blur the lines too much of refraining from sex before being exclusive? or just stick to purly no skin to skin contact below waist?

[Redhead14]

Thanks for all your input.Idealy I would like to wait until we are exclusive before being intimate like that. I'm fine with heavy making out bc I think that builds, interest, chemistry, can satisfy some urges. He has said to me mult times he really enjoys making out and he doesn't get bored with it, so if I"M bored I have to tell him.

 

What complicates maters here is that we've dated for 3 weeks and gone out on 5 dates. He's currently away for 3 weeks, just ending week 1 away. I think i'll have a better gauge of his interest when he comes back/how we interact.

 

He told me on the 2nd date he wasn't into hookups and on his profile he said he's not looking to "settle' just hasn't found the right person to settle down with. He uses the term "low key" (in terms of activities to do) a lot, which i think describes his personality pretty well. He's definitely outgoing and attractive (tall, good strong bod) and said he doesn't have probs meeting people- not purely for dating he said but just friends/ small talk on planes etc and hasn't done online dating much. He only tried bc he said it's hard to meet local people since he travels often.

 

From what little I know of him he seems like an attractive outgoing guy who has a good head on his shoulders. BUT since he's still actively using the site, I have no idea how serious or not his talks/ possible meetings with other girls are.

 

When he comes back, is it probs just best to go on some dates/hang out/ make out as before? and NOT bring up exclusive talk as we've had a 3 week "break" with him being away? I think we should get a feel for eachother again, I'll reassess and then bring up exclusivity.

 

Sorry if too graphic, but would any "hand on skin" contact below the waist blur the lines too much of refraining from sex before being exclusive? or just stick to purly no skin to skin contact below waist?

 

Now you are going into the whole debate about what constitutes sex. Clinton already went there and that was his opinion. What is your opinion? So, now you are into the below the waist area . . . he can do things to bring you to orgasm without his genitals being involved. What will you do for him?

[LoneIsland]

I think you are trying to torture this guy and see at what point he cracks.

[Redhead14]

I think you are trying to torture this guy and see at what point he cracks.

 

This is why it is actually fair to establish your boundaries and goals and stick to them. In this scenario, a) it's too soon and b) you are beginning to analyze, blur, confuse the entire situation. You end up frustrating both parties not only in a sexual way but in an emotional way.

[BluEyeL]

If any skin contact is involved, tops off etc. then you can't go back, it's not OK. Stay in public places. Stick with kissing and above the clothes contact.

 

IMO it's too early for exclusivity and for sex after 3 weeks. You need more time. Don't go into heavy making out, don't be a tease. Hands on genitals....not good.

[BluEyeL]

Ideally, the guy has to bring up exclusivity, btw, not you. He needs to pull his profile from OLD on his own. You shouldn't have to ask. If you have to ask, it's too early.

 

If his profile is still up, I recommend going on dates and abstaining from heavy making out, heavy talk about exclusivity as well. Once he takes his profile down, you take yours down as well and then you can initiate the talk. But I feel you went fast as it is.

[LoneIsland]

This is why it is actually fair to establish your boundaries and goals and stick to them. In this scenario, a) it's too soon and b) you are beginning to analyze, blur, confuse the entire situation. You end up frustrating both parties not only in a sexual way but in an emotional way.

 

It is not too soon. The OP is looking for an exclusive deal asap because she senses danger from other women.

 

It is a delicate game. For some guys, they might flip and stop playing the game altogether, especially if they already have other options.

[ThisisIt606]

Ideally, the guy has to bring up exclusivity, btw, not you. He needs to pull his profile from OLD on his own. You shouldn't have to ask. If you have to ask, it's too early.

 

If his profile is still up, I recommend going on dates and abstaining from heavy making out, heavy talk about exclusivity as well. Once he takes his profile down, you take yours down as well and then you can initiate the talk. But I feel you went fast as it is.

 

 

In my experience I've always been the one to ask, i've been met with both a resounding yes and a "i'm not looking for a relationship". The last guy I dated told me he "never asked anyone to be his gf" and they both just "assumed" they were bf/gf bc they spent so much time together and didn't have time for anyone else.

 

Yes, ideally i'd love for the guy to ask, but it's never been my experience so far.

[ktya]

It's a risk, but it's much smaller than the alternative.

 

If you wait for sex (a couple of months or so!) and get to know each other first, people always tell you who they are, you just have to listen. you always learn about their character. Who will invest 2-3 months of dating a woman with no sex and then finally lie about being exclusive?

 

You're missing the point. It's not just not having sex before exclusivity. It's dating the guy enough to get to know him.

 

Yes I am missing the point. Sex is an integral part of any romantic relationship for most people, and in getting to know a prospective mate (ie. mate) learning about their sexual habits is as important as knowing if they are into marriage or children.

 

For arguments sake, to flip your argument upside down. What if a girl met a nice man, held out for 2-3 months, had the exclusivity talk and they mutually obliged, shut it down with everyone else they were dating together. Then now shes ready to put out for Mr. Sweetheart, but the sex is terrible, hes not only a one minute wonder but goes straight for ass to mouth, and she is much more conservative. Of course shes going to dump him and feel robbed of two months of her life.

 

Its a bit of a zany example but I'm sure you can agree that some guys are just terrible in bed and I dont just mean stamina.

[ktya]

Ideally, the guy has to bring up exclusivity, btw, not you. He needs to pull his profile from OLD on his own. You shouldn't have to ask. If you have to ask, it's too early.

 

Ugh. All these rules.

 

Exclusivity is a natural thing. When you really enjoy spending time with someone romantically you want to spend as much time together as possible. You grow closer and closer together. There is no time for dating other people and you dont really care. In theory, you shouldn't even really need to have "the talk", unless you are buying into the imaginary boundary - and the guy (or the girl for that matter) can always just lie to get past the boundary.

 

I dated a girl "exclusively" for 6 weeks who had a boyfriend. How can that possibly make sense? Her boyfriend was out of town and we spent practically 24 hours 7 days a week together, she only spent 5 days apart from me.

 

I think that the natural order where exclusivity is absolutely expected is when the label comes out, "boyfriend and girlfriend". Thats when the possessive pronouns are acceptable and it goes from "I'm seeing this guy Joe" to "This is Joe my boyfriend".

 

Call me thick in the head but in todays rapid fast paced dating culture adding a extra milestone between dating, sex, and becoming boyfriend and girlfriend is just a make work project. I get the whole only sleeping with one person at a time because of feelings or diseases, having sex with multiple partners is definitely not for everyone.

 

But obviously your point of view is very different from mine so I will agree to disagree.

[Redhead14]

Have sex with everyone you date on the first date. Just don't have emotions, or goals or expectations and be prepared for either you or him to move on. Also be prepared for jealousy, disease, compromised goals, losers, wackos and if a relationship develops, one that is built on physical attraction and that person feeling like a stranger to you for quite some time.

[ktya]

BUT since he's still actively using the site, I have no idea how serious or not his talks/ possible meetings with other girls are.

 

Honestly the guy is going to continue using the site, guaranteed, until you have sex with him. He might hide his profile if you withhold sex until exclusivity but a hidden profile can still exchange messages.

 

If exclusivity before sex is a really big deal for you and part of your core values, what you might try is ramping the intensity when he gets back. By that I dont mean intense makeout sessions, just start seeing him more and more often. Then it sort of becomes a relationship on its own, and when he tries to bust a move and get in your pants you can say to him "I dont really have sex outside of a committed relationship, we've been hanging out a lot together, where are we at?" and he'll probably bite.

[ktya]

Have sex with everyone you date on the first date. Just don't have emotions, or goals or expectations and be prepared for either you or him to move on. Also be prepared for jealousy, disease, compromised goals, losers, wackos and if a relationship develops, one that is built on physical attraction and that person feeling like a stranger to you for quite some time.

 

Thats my motto. I find it is much better than building up into a committed relationship that goes stale after a few years and feeling like you live with a stranger. LOL

[BluEyeL]

Yes I am missing the point. Sex is an integral part of any romantic relationship for most people, and in getting to know a prospective mate (ie. mate) learning about their sexual habits is as important as knowing if they are into marriage or children.

 

For arguments sake, to flip your argument upside down. What if a girl met a nice man, held out for 2-3 months, had the exclusivity talk and they mutually obliged, shut it down with everyone else they were dating together. Then now shes ready to put out for Mr. Sweetheart, but the sex is terrible, hes not only a one minute wonder but goes straight for ass to mouth, and she is much more conservative. Of course shes going to dump him and feel robbed of two months of her life.

 

Its a bit of a zany example but I'm sure you can agree that some guys are just terrible in bed and I dont just mean stamina.

 

Can't disagree with you here. It is indeed the danger of discovering, after 2-3 months, that the guy is a lousy lay (or the girl). That's totally a risk. Sex will not work out, relationship will not work out. I'd rather feel robbed of the two months than heartbroken for years on end.

 

This is why, for me personally, as a woman, that's a risk I'm willing to take. Also, if by the time people have sex they care about each other, sex can be worked out, they can teach each other what they enjoy and don't enjoy. If people care about each other, they are more likely to try to please each other.

 

Still not going to sleep with every man I date. I dated tens of men, lost count, my number is still in the single digits and I'm 42yo. It's about values. They need to match. If the guy wants sex early and I don't, it just means we are not a match for a relationship and this is it, we can wish each other well.

 

Personally, from a woman's perspective, and OP is a woman, I'm willing to invest 2 or 3 months and take that risk rather than the other risks: being pumped and dumped, having a guy f*ck me and three others on the side , being strung along, getting attached and accepting crumbs of attention and ultimately being heartbroken over and over and over again and have my self esteem in the dumps. Hell no!!! Why should I do that to myself, let others go through that!

 

And there are men like me out there, I personally never had an issue of not finding dates because of my style.

[BluEyeL]

Ugh. All these rules.

 

Exclusivity is a natural thing. When you really enjoy spending time with someone romantically you want to spend as much time together as possible. You grow closer and closer together. There is no time for dating other people and you dont really care. In theory, you shouldn't even really need to have "the talk", unless you are buying into the imaginary boundary - and the guy (or the girl for that matter) can always just lie to get past the boundary.

 

I dated a girl "exclusively" for 6 weeks who had a boyfriend. How can that possibly make sense? Her boyfriend was out of town and we spent practically 24 hours 7 days a week together, she only spent 5 days apart from me.

 

I think that the natural order where exclusivity is absolutely expected is when the label comes out, "boyfriend and girlfriend". Thats when the possessive pronouns are acceptable and it goes from "I'm seeing this guy Joe" to "This is Joe my boyfriend".

 

Call me thick in the head but in todays rapid fast paced dating culture adding a extra milestone between dating, sex, and becoming boyfriend and girlfriend is just a make work project. I get the whole only sleeping with one person at a time because of feelings or diseases, having sex with multiple partners is definitely not for everyone.

 

But obviously your point of view is very different from mine so I will agree to disagree.

Yeah, I never actually had a discussion about exclusivity that was "official". The guys just pulled their profiles down, and then I followed. Nobody asked anything. Then they said they're not dating anyone else. They didn't "ask". It came naturally in conversation.

 

My point is, if YOU, as a woman, have to ASK a guy to pull his profile down, it's too early for him. He will do that when he feels ready. There is a limit. If after 2-3 months he still goes on site and you sleep with him...not good.

[ktya]

Personally, from a woman's perspective, and OP is a woman, I'm willing to invest 2 or 3 months and take that risk rather than the other risks: being pumped and dumped, having a guy f*ck me and three others on the side , being strung along, getting attached and accepting crumbs of attention and ultimately being heartbroken over and over and over again and have my self esteem in the dumps. Hell no!!! Why should I do that to myself, let others go through that!

 

Interesting. Personally I'm the opposite. I'd rather be pumped and dumped on the first date than hold out for months ditch everyone else I'm dating and then find out that her idea of a sex life is missionary with her eyes closed once every month or two.

 

Different strokes for different folks! Those two girls I was talking about formerly? Part of the reason I chose the one was because she wasnt moving (the one who was moving was only moving 2 hours away). The other reason was because she could give a BJ that would make a porn star blush and really enjoyed doing it; in a way the sex made me want the exclusivity.

 

Hence my advice for the OP is to have the sex without exclusivity, blow mind then ask him for exclusivity over breakfast. I'd have a hard time saying no to that one no matter how many or how hot of other girls I was dating.

Edited October 9, 2014 by ktya

[Redhead14]

Interesting. Personally I'm the opposite. I'd rather be pumped and dumped on the first date than hold out for months ditch everyone else I'm dating and then find out that her idea of a sex life is missionary with her eyes closed once every month or two.

 

Different strokes for different folks! Those two girls I was talking about formerly? Part of the reason I chose the one was because she wasnt moving (the one who was moving was only moving 2 hours away). The other reason was because she could give a BJ that would make a porn star blush and really enjoyed doing it; in a way the sex made me want the exclusivity.

 

Hence my advice for the OP is to have the sex without exclusivity, blow mind then ask him for exclusivity over breakfast. I'd have a hard time saying no to that one no matter how many or how hot of other girls I was dating.

 

have the sex without exclusivity, blow mind then ask him for exclusivity over breakfast. I'd have a hard time saying no to that one no matter how many or how hot of other girls I was dating.

 

Holy hell, LOL. Girls, practice your BJ's, kegels and cowgirl styles and go get the "one". Just pick him out! (Then dump his ass).