ThisisIt606 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 So i've posted a few times about this guy i'm dating I met from a paid online dating site (i'm in 20s he's in 30s 10 years older). Please see one of those threads for more background details about him/us. Right now we are dating/ assuming he is seeing other people but I don't know for sure. I do see him as logging on daily pretty much into the online site as am I. I am also talking to people but just haven't really found anyone who seriously interests me. I AM trying to keep my options open/not put all my eggs in one basket. There is a guy that interests me in my work building but nothing has been pursued. Anyways, he has initiated all dates. And he usually leaves the time/day open as in what's best for me. I always tell him tuesdays are out bc I have my hobby I go to at night. His sechedule seems pretty wide/flex aside from work. I feel as though it's still too soon, but how does one (female) approach the topic of being exclusive without making him run for the hills? Also, we have not had sex yet. I AM very attracted to him and would like to. He's tried to go a bit further twice but I've stopped him both times and he respected that. Is it best to wait until after establishing being exclusive for intimacy like that? Truthfully idk if I can hold out, but at the same time i don't want to FREAK OUT if we do have sex and then I over analyaze all his actions after/ worry he will fade. At the same time I do want to operate on "what feels right' but just be smart about it. I know there's prob no hard and fast rule, but anything that you've done in the past that has worked out well for you in regards to exclusivity/sex timing? Or what you WISHED you did? Thanks.
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Go with your instincts. Too fast is only good for short term. If he is into you, it won't matter how long he'll wait. I would make sure you are exclusive before having sex. 1
Redhead14 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 So i've posted a few times about this guy i'm dating I met from a paid online dating site (i'm in 20s he's in 30s 10 years older). Please see one of those threads for more background details about him/us. Right now we are dating/ assuming he is seeing other people but I don't know for sure. I do see him as logging on daily pretty much into the online site as am I. I am also talking to people but just haven't really found anyone who seriously interests me. I AM trying to keep my options open/not put all my eggs in one basket. There is a guy that interests me in my work building but nothing has been pursued. Anyways, he has initiated all dates. And he usually leaves the time/day open as in what's best for me. I always tell him tuesdays are out bc I have my hobby I go to at night. His sechedule seems pretty wide/flex aside from work. I feel as though it's still too soon, but how does one (female) approach the topic of being exclusive without making him run for the hills? Also, we have not had sex yet. I AM very attracted to him and would like to. He's tried to go a bit further twice but I've stopped him both times and he respected that. Is it best to wait until after establishing being exclusive for intimacy like that? Truthfully idk if I can hold out, but at the same time i don't want to FREAK OUT if we do have sex and then I over analyaze all his actions after/ worry he will fade. At the same time I do want to operate on "what feels right' but just be smart about it. I know there's prob no hard and fast rule, but anything that you've done in the past that has worked out well for you in regards to exclusivity/sex timing? Or what you WISHED you did? Thanks. You need to decide first whether or not you want to have sex without exclusivity. If you don't want sex without exclusivity, and it gets to the point where sex is going to happen and there hasn't been an exclusivity talk, then you should tell him "hey, I really like you and want to do this", however, if I do, I will not date anyone else". If he says he will continue to date others, then you can say, "then we shouldn't do this because . . . Worrying about whether he will run for the hills is not the question, you should worry about you. If you are OK with sex without exclusivity you need to keep your emotions in check while he is seeing others. You need to establish your goals and boundaries first and be consistent. Jumping back and forth on these things when dating multiple people will cause you to be confused all the time. 5
BluEyeL Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I don't know how long have you been dating. I don't have sex without exclusivity, so I was in this situation before. So I'd do it this way but it also depends on how long you've been dating. Next time you guys make out (or when you think it's about time to have sex), and before it gets too heated you tell him: "I like you a lot and it's hard for me to hold off with you, so I'd like to say now that I am not into casual sex and I don't get intimate unless I am in a exclusive relationship. Do you feel we are there yet?". Then listen to what he says. If he says no, then say OK, then we should wait until we both feel we are ready for that step, and stop things at making out. If he runs for the hills, he wasn't yours anyway. 1
LoneIsland Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Exclusivity is generally not possible if the guy doesn't know what he is getting into. Once he's knows all is good under the hood and it gives the right amount of mileage, exclusivity becomes a possibility, assuming exclusivity is something the guy can accept.
Redhead14 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Exclusivity is generally not possible if the guy doesn't know what he is getting into. Once he's knows all is good under the hood and it gives the right amount of mileage, exclusivity becomes a possibility, assuming exclusivity is something the guy can accept. It is not about accommodating what a guy wants or needs to know before he will ask for exclusivity, it is about what a woman needs in order to be comfortable in a relationship and with herself. 2
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Exclusivity is generally not possible if the guy doesn't know what he is getting into. Once he's knows all is good under the hood and it gives the right amount of mileage, exclusivity becomes a possibility, assuming exclusivity is something the guy can accept. Boys, guys, and men are all the same, aye! But gents are genuine.
LoneIsland Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 It is not about accommodating what a guy wants or needs to know before he will ask for exclusivity, it is about what a woman needs in order to be comfortable in a relationship and with herself. No risk, no gain. Move on if neither wants the risk. It's that simple. What I provided was the other side of the risk equation. 1
Redhead14 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Having exclusivity before or while a woman is having sex with him is not about "locking" him or her into anything permanent. There are no guarantees ever. However, if they are sleeping with other people while sleeping with each other, you are bringing a whole bunch of other things into the mix. Confused emotions, possible disease exposure, possible jealousy. All exclusivity does is heighten the ability to focus on whether or not you are right for each other. If you are not right for each other, you opt out. 3
ktya Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 You need to decide first whether or not you want to have sex without exclusivity. If you don't want sex without exclusivity, and it gets to the point where sex is going to happen and there hasn't been an exclusivity talk, then you should tell him "hey, I really like you and want to do this", however, if I do, I will not date anyone else". If he says he will continue to date others, then you can say, "then we shouldn't do this because . . . Worrying about whether he will run for the hills is not the question, you should worry about you. If you are OK with sex without exclusivity you need to keep your emotions in check while he is seeing others. I wouldn't take this advice, being a guy myself. If you are at the point where sex is going to happen and then drop the exclusivity bomb on him it will (a) kill the mood and the sex will be awkward (b) he will probably lie just to get it going on © if he wants to see other people still, he will disappear the next day because of his lie to get you in the sack The advice above about determining whether you are OK with sex without exclusivity or not is very sound though; its something you need to figure out. Personally I would reccomend having an exclusivity talk after sex and just taking the risk your on the same page. Not post-coital, maybe over breakfast and coffee. Just do your best to blow his mind in bed that first time. The reason I would proffer that you do it that way is because most sexually experienced men will not even consider exclusivity until they know sex is involved. In my own experience just in this year, I was openly casually dating a few women at the same time. They knew about eachother but didnt know eachother. The sex was frequent and phenomenal. I had a tough choice to make because I wanted to be exclusive bf/gf with both of them. I made my choice and picked the wrong one but thats beside the point. I still talk to the both of them to this day on a pretty regular basis and I would lock either of them down and be exclusive with them still. In contrast, I went on a few dates with this teacher, who did nearly the same thing as the advice above. Made out with her in my bed and when it came time for her to rip my pants off and blow me, she stopped, pulled her shirt up and then started talking about no sex until monogamy and blue balled me and left. That chick didnt even get another date. I talked with her on the phone a few more times and the monogamy thing kept coming up eventually I had to just tell her, "listen I like to try before I buy you seem really cool but we've only been on one date so your being pretty unrealistic if you are already expecting me to be exclusive". She got all flustered and threatened to friendzone me and I told her she was already in my friend zone and wished her the best of luck in her search.
ktya Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 It is not about accommodating what a guy wants or needs to know before he will ask for exclusivity, it is about what a woman needs in order to be comfortable in a relationship and with herself. Not to start a flamewar here, but what a sexist statement to make.
Redhead14 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Worrying about whether he or she will run for the hills is not the question, you should worry about you. 3
BluEyeL Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 What I found is that it's not true that all men will not give exclusivity without sex. In my experience, men who were seriously interested in me, had no problem with exclusivity before sex. Always. It's not like we get married and can't break up. Generally, I personally don't date any guys with that mindset of sex before feelings, or I paid for X dinners so you need to put out, and as such had no problems whatsoever. Listen to your needs and only do what's in YOUR best interest. You're looking for a gem, not an ordinary pebble. Throw them back if they don't respect your wishes. 3
Redhead14 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Not to start a flamewar here, but what a sexist statement to make. This goes for both men and women. Neither and man nor a woman should do things to accommodate someone else while compromising their wants, needs, values. 1
ktya Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Having exclusivity before or while a woman is having sex with him is not about "locking" him or her into anything permanent. All exclusivity does is heighten the ability to focus on whether or not you are right for each other. If you are not right for each other, you opt out. Sure, from a female perspective. A woman can put up an OLD profile and have her choice from at times thousands of men a week. Women get cold approached and expect us to do the approaching. If even an unattractive woman just needs to scratch the itch she find someone to have sex with in probably under 15 minutes. From a male perspective, dating takes work. First we have to muster the balls to cold approach, or send hundreds of messages on OLD profiles. Then we usually have to pay for at least the first date. Then the texting back and forth, staying in touch, contacting enough to be there and available but not too much so as to not appear needy or overly eager. By the time we get to the point where sex is on the table we have invested a significant amount of time and energy. A woman asking a man to abandon all that work for a chance to get laid... well lets just say the guys who are going to go along with that arent exactly the powerful successful types most women crave. 1
LoneIsland Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 This goes for both men and women. Neither and man nor a woman should do things to accommodate someone else while compromising their wants, needs, values. Such unaccommodating individuals should stay single and avoid crying. 1
ktya Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Such unaccommodating individuals should stay single and avoid crying. Ahh the benefits of the incorrect application of co-dependency theory to relationships where there is no substance abuse. Gotta love the counselling industry.... "be selfish. get your needs met. dont worry about their needs, whats important is you!" And the divorce rate inches ever higher. Sigh.
BluEyeL Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 That chick didnt even get another date. I talked with her on the phone a few more times and the monogamy thing kept coming up eventually I had to just tell her, "listen I like to try before I buy you seem really cool but we've only been on one date so your being pretty unrealistic if you are already expecting me to be exclusive". She got all flustered and threatened to friendzone me and I told her she was already in my friend zone and wished her the best of luck in her search. Yeah, but she didn't really lose the love of her life or anything. She just dodged a bullet. It's not like the other women you were two timing won any prize for their amazing sexual performances. What's in the best interest of a woman who is looking for love and a truly special man (like the one I'm dating now, the best man in the world, whom I love to pieces!) goes like this. Not sleeping with guys before exclusivity allows the girl to be tougher with her standards for character, compatibility and the way she's treated, from the beginning, BEFORE getting attached and having all those chemicals fuzzy her judgement. It's not that I think it's wrong to have sex. I truly don't give a cr*p! I think we have the right to enjoy ourselves! The problem is when you are that close to someone you are truly interested in as a potential long term, feel the hands of a man on you, put your head on his chest, look into his eyes in bed, give yourself to him, feel his warmth....it's highly addictive for a woman. Like a drug. And I think this is part of why, after sex with the wrong guy, many women tend to drag things more than it's good for them. If you don't care about the guy, have sex without exclusivity, but if you think they are relationship material, much better to delay getting attached in any way until it is clear that they want you two to be in a relationship. Give them time, but it's easier to let them go if you like them, are interested in them but are not THAT attached, not THAT bonded by the feel good chemicals of intimacy, so it doesn't drag for one year or God forbid, more!
BluEyeL Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 So let's go to my recent experiences. T, last year I slept with him, after about a month, we became exclusive early, and I dated him for 3 months, it was pretty hard on me when he dumped me. All I fantasized about was his hairy chest, and putting my head there, and the way he touched me, despite him being bad sex. It took many months to truly move on, I think about 6 months. O, the next one, dated 2 months, no touching, much easier to let him go. Much easier. He kept calling and I used him for attention after I dumped him for not seeing me enough, but I wasn't hurt. After three days, I met A, I was a bit crazy about him, I was sexually attracted, dated him for 3 months, no kissing, no touching, dumped him for being wishy-washy. Still, thinking back, although I was obsessed for a couple of weeks, it was much harder to get over T than of A emotionally. When T left me I felt like the air was taken away from me and I was in intense pain for a few weeks. I don't know how to explain, with A it was a different obsession, like for a celebrity that I can't touch because there was no chemical attachment. For T it was like happiness was taken away from me. So I was much more attached to T, although I was obsessed with A and I dated them for the same amount of chronological time. It wasn't all because I was sexual, it was more, but the touch when you feel the feelings too is addictive. That's my experiment ) Right now, I am highly addicted to my BF, I'm literally drugged. The feelings intensified a lot since we got intimate, after dating for 3 months. It's so much happiness. I liked him before too, I was interested in him, I grew feelings slow and steady when I saw how beyond amazing he was, but once we were together and sex is great, things I feel intensified 10X. I want to feel his presence, I want to touch him all the time, I like his big hands, I want to be with him and I know that if this is not working out is going to be a HUGE blow, emotionally! Much bigger than T last year. I know I'd recover eventually, I recovered after the divorce, but it would be HARD. So, to conclude my thesis. Who cares what's good for the men who want to sleep with more than one woman at a time? That's not something you want in your life. Do what's good for you! Always! You'll have a much easier time and you'll find love much faster, plus your self esteem will stay intact.
ktya Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Yeah, but she didn't really lose the love of her life or anything. She just dodged a bullet. It's not like the other women you were two timing won any prize for their amazing sexual performances. Not sleeping with guys before exclusivity allows the girl to be tougher with her standards for character, compatibility and the way she's treated, from the beginning, BEFORE getting attached and having all those chemicals fuzzy her judgement. While I see your point, to be honest from a guys perspective once I have sex with a woman I know she's fully interested and invested and it flips a switch which makes me start seriously considering exclusivity. As a guy, dating, there are so many women who will string you along to boost their egos, for the free drinks or dinners, for someone to talk to, or who will keep you just at the edge of the friend zone making you think you have a chance only to suddenly slam the door shut because some other guy they were after is "the one". I am absolutely aware that there are chumps who play cruel games with womens hearts too women do not have an monopoly on that. As for the girl mentioned in your quote of my post.. No she didn't lose the love of her life. But she really liked me. We spent hours talking on the phone, our calls were usually 4 hours long. We would text eachother hilarious things throughout the day. She was a bit thicker than girls I would normally be interested in but she was aggressively hitting the gym and I had a lot of respect for her fortitude because I had lost a lot of weight at one point myself. She had a good job as a teacher, and I worked in investment banking. I'd say that for working on getting to the second date stage things were going pretty well. I was actually intending to cook her a candlelit dinner at my home, I used to be a sous chef so I can cook pretty good. If she was looking for a long term monogamous boyfriend, I'd say thats a pretty good start. But her waving monogamy in my face was such a turn off, she just blew it.
ktya Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 So let's go to my recent experiences. O, the next one, dated 2 months, no touching, much easier to let him go. Much easier. He kept calling and I used him for attention after I dumped him for not seeing me enough, but I wasn't hurt. Your O example is a classic case of why a lot of men wont do exclusivity before sex. Most guys who are aggressively dating have about three or four girls like you were to him on the go at any given time. Not because they're being players, just because its really common.
BluEyeL Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 While I see your point, to be honest from a guys perspective once I have sex with a woman I know she's fully interested and invested and it flips a switch which makes me start seriously considering exclusivity. As a guy, dating, there are so many women who will string you along to boost their egos, for the free drinks or dinners, for someone to talk to, or who will keep you just at the edge of the friend zone making you think you have a chance only to suddenly slam the door shut because some other guy they were after is "the one". I am absolutely aware that there are chumps who play cruel games with womens hearts too women do not have an monopoly on that. As for the girl mentioned in your quote of my post.. No she didn't lose the love of her life. But she really liked me. We spent hours talking on the phone, our calls were usually 4 hours long. We would text eachother hilarious things throughout the day. She was a bit thicker than girls I would normally be interested in but she was aggressively hitting the gym and I had a lot of respect for her fortitude because I had lost a lot of weight at one point myself. She had a good job as a teacher, and I worked in investment banking. I'd say that for working on getting to the second date stage things were going pretty well. I was actually intending to cook her a candlelit dinner at my home, I used to be a sous chef so I can cook pretty good. If she was looking for a long term monogamous boyfriend, I'd say thats a pretty good start. But her waving monogamy in my face was such a turn off, she just blew it. We are in completely different worlds. This woman went in your bed at the FIRST DATE? Then talked exclusivity?? At the first date?? We are talking about getting to the second date?? Wow! I can't begin to even tell you in how many ways she f*cked this up. Talking for hours on the phone, texting like crazy and then jumping into bed at the first date... A different league.
Sunfire73 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Exclusivity is not getting engaged to be married, it's just focusing on one person at a time to know if you're compatible. If you found out that you're not compatible in bed after sex after being exclusive then you can move on. It just gives each other a chance to get to know each other better and spend more time with each other. Relationship minded people won't mind being exclusive before sex. Those who are into casual ones would bolt out. In my experience, during dating, I have already shown interest in my now boyfriend early on. And that I told him the first time I met him, I was looking for a long term relationship and not into casual. So when we started getting physical, I reminded him that if we continue it would mean that I won't be dating others and if he is of the same mindset. So I didn't blindside him, or manipulate him, I have already made known my expectations. And he can say he's not there yet, then I cannot be physical with him unless he stop dating others. But we would still date. I'm glad he was ready to be exclusive at that time. 2
Redhead14 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Such unaccommodating individuals should stay single and avoid crying. This isn't talking about going to a football game for someone else when you don't really like football. This is about finding a person who is right for you. Anyone who wants you to do something you aren't comfortable with or that goes against your values, isn't the right person for you. Should someone sleep with anyone just because the other one wants that? If a man or a woman wants exclusivity before sex and the other doesn't, then neither of them should just do it to do it. They are at an impasse already. If the woman for instance decides she will sleep with him and hope that he will then be exclusive or that that will make him want her, she's setting herself up and possible him too for disappointment. 4
BluEyeL Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Your O example is a classic case of why a lot of men wont do exclusivity before sex. Most guys who are aggressively dating have about three or four girls like you were to him on the go at any given time. Not because they're being players, just because its really common. A girl like me didn't lose any prize man, I was just sorting pebbles to find the gold nugget. O was a good guy, but not a good relationship choice for me (or anyone at that point, really), and because i was clear headed I could let him go instead of dragging it to the end of time. Hey, worked for me! Where are the girls you were sleeping with now? Are they in a committed relationship with an amazing man who treats them like gold and whom they adore? I somehow doubt it. I see it works for you and I'm glad for you that there are enough women who make it happen. It's just not so rosy for them. It would just never be me. A d*ck is never a prize and I don't give performances in exchange for second dates and dinners. Unless I want to because I want to. If I wanted just to f*ck someone,I'd choose the one I have no intention in having a relationship with, f*ck him and wish him well. Win-win.
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