GettingOver Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Did you ever fear that you will never meet the righ person?... I just turned 30 and I have a history of failed for various reasons relationships. I know that I am still young and attractive, but inside of me there is a fear that I might not meet a righ man. And I don't want to settle. even my mother who used to support the idea of getting married "at any price", told me that everything will be fine and I will meet the right person and I should not be with someone I am not that much into. Thoughts? Did you have fears?.. Did they ever come true?..
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 (edited) Did you ever fear that you will never meet the righ person?... I just turned 30 and I have a history of failed for various reasons relationships. I know that I am still young and attractive, but inside of me there is a fear that I might not meet a righ man. And I don't want to settle. even my mother who used to support the idea of getting married "at any price", told me that everything will be fine and I will meet the right person and I should not be with someone I am not that much into. Thoughts? Did you have fears?.. Did they ever come true?.. Long ago I believed the right person would come along. Having a set standard of what I hoped they would be. Though I did not try to find them, as I felt too awkward and waited for maturity for myself and others around me. I gave up thinking that my dream mate would ever be for me. As I always saw a good match that was with someone else, but never on their own. I went through a few relationships thinking love, trust and acceptance was everything one would need. Unfortunately if the other does not accept or share the same the relationship is doomed. After time when I thought my life was set to be in discontent with relationships in general. I stumbled upon my SM. Even though odds were against us, in so many ways, I am so lucky and thankful. As I may have given up on my dream woman, but never gave up on the qualities I believed in. Sure I lived a lifetime more than once, but what I have with my SM, was well worth the wait. The only trouble is we'll be apart for some time, so each year brings on the wonderful things we feel and share with each other, along with the pain of having to wait another year. If that is all we have, so be it, as I would not throw it away for anything, as she is that special and is as true to me as I am to her. Edited October 9, 2014 by sdrawkcaB ssA
mammasita Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Definitely don't settle. I felt the same as you, I'm now 38. I was in a relationship and engaged to this "boy" for 2 years and he dumped me - it brought me here to LS. In hindsight he was such a loser but I was sooooooo "in love". Don't be me. Someone will come along. I'm now in a relationship (1 year) with someone who is 100x better for me. Set boundaries and don't settle.
Redhead14 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I imagine that everyone who is single and wants to have someone else to share their life with has gone through these feelings at some point or another. But, it's important to think about why we have fear about not finding the right person. If we are afraid of being alone, we need to think about why. Being afraid of being alone is often because we are not happy with ourselves in some way. Having someone in your life should enhance your life not make your life. I always cringe about that line from Jerry McGuire, "you complete me". You should be a whole person before you try to bring someone into your life. You should be happy on your own. You should be able to enjoy doing things by yourself. Fears have a strange way of creeping into all aspects of someone's life and how they deal with situations. Going into the search for someone else in your life with fear as a background noise, comes across in ways that you may not realize but that can be sensed by someone else. That anxiousness comes across and sometimes makes the other person feels a vibe that maybe they can't put their finger on but makes them not make or allow for a connection. Unless and until you can put those fears aside, it will limit your ability to find the right one. Have you ever had a date that went so well for you but after that date you never hear from the person again and you can't figure out why? You replay the date over and over in your head, thinking you've done everything right, etc. Bottomline, the other person didn't have the same experience. He may go home and say, boy, she was great, pretty, smart but I just didn't feel it for her or there was an odd vibe. I can't figure it out. Fears, anxieties, worries, even though you aren't consciously thinking about them, come out in little ways. Yes, it's difficult to see it for yourself, surely. The important thing is to go into your search as the best person you can be. Be happy with yourself, be relaxed and be yourself at all times, not just on a date because you never know who you will meet and when that right person will come along. Just because you have your happy face on, doesn't mean people can't sense that something else is going on. Be happy with yourself first. Make your own life as good as it can be. Finding someone else is about chance. You can't make it happen. You can do little things to improve your chances so do those things. Usually, the right one comes along when you least expect it and when you aren't thinking about it or fretting about it. 2
BluEyeL Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I imagine that everyone who is single and wants to have someone else to share their life with has gone through these feelings at some point or another. But, it's important to think about why we have fear about not finding the right person. If we are afraid of being alone, we need to think about why. Being afraid of being alone is often because we are not happy with ourselves in some way. Having someone in your life should enhance your life not make your life. I always cringe about that line from Jerry McGuire, "you complete me". You should be a whole person before you try to bring someone into your life. You should be happy on your own. You should be able to enjoy doing things by yourself. Fears have a strange way of creeping into all aspects of someone's life and how they deal with situations. Going into the search for someone else in your life with fear as a background noise, comes across in ways that you may not realize but that can be sensed by someone else. That anxiousness comes across and sometimes makes the other person feels a vibe that maybe they can't put their finger on but makes them not make or allow for a connection. Unless and until you can put those fears aside, it will limit your ability to find the right one. Have you ever had a date that went so well for you but after that date you never hear from the person again and you can't figure out why? You replay the date over and over in your head, thinking you've done everything right, etc. Bottomline, the other person didn't have the same experience. He may go home and say, boy, she was great, pretty, smart but I just didn't feel it for her or there was an odd vibe. I can't figure it out. Fears, anxieties, worries, even though you aren't consciously thinking about them, come out in little ways. Yes, it's difficult to see it for yourself, surely. The important thing is to go into your search as the best person you can be. Be happy with yourself, be relaxed and be yourself at all times, not just on a date because you never know who you will meet and when that right person will come along. Just because you have your happy face on, doesn't mean people can't sense that something else is going on. Be happy with yourself first. Make your own life as good as it can be. Finding someone else is about chance. You can't make it happen. You can do little things to improve your chances so do those things. Usually, the right one comes along when you least expect it and when you aren't thinking about it or fretting about it. Agreed with the above. Except I'd tweak the last paragraph. I'm more proactive with everything in life. I think you can do something about it. You can do a lot about it and while it will happen when you least expected cliche might be true, there are things you can do to improve your chances significantly. I think the best you can do is see the entire thing as a sorting process and be sure you don't get attached to the wrong people and stay locked in the wrong relationships for too long, because while you're doing that, one of the "right people" (because it's not just one) can miss you.
Author GettingOver Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 Definitely don't settle. I felt the same as you, I'm now 38. I was in a relationship and engaged to this "boy" for 2 years and he dumped me - it brought me here to LS. In hindsight he was such a loser but I was sooooooo "in love". Don't be me. Someone will come along. I'm now in a relationship (1 year) with someone who is 100x better for me. Set boundaries and don't settle. I also came here because of someone who broke my heart... And I am in a way afraid that I will not find such kind of feeling anymore. I did meet someone afterwards, but I was not that much into him, I always felt that smth was missing... I did not miss him when he was away, I needed a lot of alone time... As for fears - I guess we all have fears, not only about relationships or finding the one. From time to time we worry if we will find a good job, about our family members, about future, etc. It is not like I am the whole time obsessing about not finding someone
Author GettingOver Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 Agreed with the above. Except I'd tweak the last paragraph. I'm more proactive with everything in life. I think you can do something about it. You can do a lot about it and while it will happen when you least expected cliche might be true, there are things you can do to improve your chances significantly. I think the best you can do is see the entire thing as a sorting process and be sure you don't get attached to the wrong people and stay locked in the wrong relationships for too long, because while you're doing that, one of the "right people" (because it's not just one) can miss you. Well, if you stay at home the whole time your chances are definitely not growing 2
Redhead14 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 (edited) I also came here because of someone who broke my heart... And I am in a way afraid that I will not find such kind of feeling anymore. I did meet someone afterwards, but I was not that much into him, I always felt that smth was missing... I did not miss him when he was away, I needed a lot of alone time... As for fears - I guess we all have fears, not only about relationships or finding the one. From time to time we worry if we will find a good job, about our family members, about future, etc. It is not like I am the whole time obsessing about not finding someone It's not about obsessing, it's about what goes on in subtle ways. You know that nervous feeling you get when you go on a date with someone new? That's about, "boy, I hope this one goes well, I hope I don't mess it up, I hope he's the one". That's what creeps into the date. Edited October 9, 2014 by Redhead14 1
Gaeta Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I have been single for 10 years. Yes I am afraid I will not find someone to fall in love with again but then I look at my best friend who's dating a horrible man just because she is afraid of being alone. Her relationship is so dysfunctional that she can't sleep, she gained weight, she has stomach pain from worrying, she has a very poor image of herself. I much prefer being alone than being living like she is. Yes having a someone is nice but life is about much more than being in a romantic relationship. If you wait for a someone to make you happy and whole you will pass life and what it has to offer. There is no deadline to fall in love. You will when you will. My grand-mother remarried at 75. After she passed I was given her personal diary. She spoke about my grand-father to whom she was married for 40 years and had 12 children with as him being a good loving husband and father, a good human being but she spoke about her second husband, the one she married at 75, as the love of her life. 2
BluEyeL Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 It's not about obsessing, it's about what goes on in subtle ways. You know that nervous feeling you get when you go on a date with someone new? That's about, "boy, I hope this one goes well, I hope I don't mess it up, I hope he's the one". That's what creeps into the date. Yeah, correct. You got to go on dates with the attitude "it's just a f*cking date", no worries, no expectations, like you go meet up with a friend. Otherwise you'll project your worries without intending to. There is a book with that title too. I read them all, if you couldn't tell 1
Author GettingOver Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 I have been single for 10 years. Yes I am afraid I will not find someone to fall in love with again but then I look at my best friend who's dating a horrible man just because she is afraid of being alone. Her relationship is so dysfunctional that she can't sleep, she gained weight, she has stomach pain from worrying, she has a very poor image of herself. I much prefer being alone than being living like she is. Yes having a someone is nice but life is about much more than being in a romantic relationship. If you wait for a someone to make you happy and whole you will pass life and what it has to offer. There is no deadline to fall in love. You will when you will. My grand-mother remarried at 75. After she passed I was given her personal diary. She spoke about my grand-father to whom she was married for 40 years and had 12 children with as him being a good loving husband and father, a good human being but she spoke about her second husband, the one she married at 75, as the love of her life. I also cannot see a relationship that exists out of fear. Actually when I dated my last bf, I felt that i WANTED to be single. It was a short relationship - 3 month, and all of my chemistry faded away in the end... He also turned out to have a lot of issues related ti insecurity. He begged me to stay and help him... But I just don't have a feeling. I know what being in love and loving is - when you look forward to see this person, to touch, to hug, to cuddle, to support, to help... It was not there from my side and I left. Marriage at 75 - WOW!!! What a grandma! How long did they live together?
Gaeta Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Marriage at 75 - WOW!!! What a grandma! How long did they live together? They were together 8 years before he passed. They had a good life, they traveled and enjoyed a multitude of activities together. She met him in the personal ads lol. It was the same as online dating back then. 1
Author GettingOver Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 They were together 8 years before he passed. They had a good life, they traveled and enjoyed a multitude of activities together. She met him in the personal ads lol. It was the same as online dating back then. Really! Unbelievable! I guess your granny was a big optimist and a "life-enjoyer" if she decided to do "online dating" at 75 I definitely should be WAY more optimistic
Tayken Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 when you look forward to see this person, to touch, to hug, to cuddle, to support, to help However, this: Infatuation is the state of being carried away by unreasoned passion or love. Hillman and Phillips describe it as a desire to express the libidinal attraction of addictive love. Usually, one is inspired with an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone.
JuneJulySeptember Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 There is no 'right' person. There's closest fit and people who have more value find closer fits. In general. There's also loyalty. So, once you find closest fit at that time, you stick with that person instead of chasing after the closer fit that will inevitably come along, if you have value that is.
me85 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I have very few moments where I worry about that particular subject. In the last year I have realized that there must be a reason (because of me) that all of my RSs fail. So, I've just been working on myself and enjoying being single. I'm honestly in no hurry to get involved again and am by no means looking for a partner. When it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 She spoke about my grand-father to whom she was married for 40 years and had 12 children with as him being a good loving husband and father, a good human being but she spoke about her second husband, the one she married at 75, as the love of her life. I love stories like these! Yes, I do sometimes have the fear that I'll never meet the right guy for me. I've had relationships with several men who would "do", but no one who was just right. In only one case did I have a love that I felt was true love from both sides - but his interfering family created insurmountable problems for us. Sometimes I think my life will take a similar path to Gaeta's grandmother. The women in my family tend to live and stay healthy into their 80s and 90s. I might end up making a sensible choice for my husband and the father of my children, and then I could meet the true love of my life decades later. Of course, I hope to meet him soon. But life doesn't always go the way we hope or plan, so it's always good to have backup plans.
d0nnivain Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 My mother always swore to me that I'd know when I met "The One." Met a guy in grad school & wow: felt like I was struck by lightening. The moment he shook my hand I got this feeling that I "knew" I had just met my future husband. It was sooooooo powerful. We were together for 12 years, lived together for 10. I put up with so much garbage in a dysfunctional mess of a relationship because I was convinced that it was meant to me. I finally had the courage to end it. Four years later when I was 39 I met my husband. When I met him I was overwhelmed by how gorgeous he is. I thought to myself he'd make a great FWB / NSA playmate because he just looked like a player. Boy did I read him wrong. Even as we moved closer to our wedding date the doubts crept in. A few days after we were married I called home to one of my BFF sobbing that I'd make a huge mistake & now didn't know how to get out of it. I was terrified. Things settled down & our bond has grown over time. My only advice: don't settle but have faith that you will find the person you are meant for.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Met a guy in grad school & wow: felt like I was struck by lightening. The moment he shook my hand I got this feeling that I "knew" I had just met my future husband. It was sooooooo powerful. This happened to me with my last boyfriend. The moment I met him, I felt exactly what you described - this huge lightning bolt through my whole body, and I heard this voice echoing through my mind that sounded like the voice of god/the universe/everything, saying, "This is the man I'm going to marry." I also saw this glowing light emanating from him. I had never felt anything close to that upon first meeting before. Only problem is this feeling was one-sided, and I was always aware of that. Though he wanted to get married and definitely wouldn't have been the worst choice, I couldn't escape the nagging feeling that something important was missing - that being a similar sense of wonder and appreciation for me from his side. From now on I'll try not to give too much credence to the lightning bolt feelings. It could be that the right guy for me might sneak up on me.
Author GettingOver Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 However, this: Infatuation is the state of being carried away by unreasoned passion or love. Hillman and Phillips describe it as a desire to express the libidinal attraction of addictive love. Usually, one is inspired with an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone.[/b Ok, probably, but a romantic relationship should be romantic! Otherwise it is friendship. If you don't want to kiss, to cuddle, to make love - then be friends... 1
Author GettingOver Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 From now on I'll try not to give too much credence to the lightning bolt feelings. It could be that the right guy for me might sneak up on me. I though it was a good idea as weel, but I figured that you need chemistry, maybe not necesserely a lightning bolt, but chemistry, otherwise it si boring and you don't really care that much... I am not saying thatchemistry will live forever - but long enough...
Woggle Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I found her when I swore off ever falling in love again but when you find something good don't discard it.
DKT3 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 (edited) Too much Hollywood in the hearts of young ladies. The one is the guy that will hold your hair when your throwing up or finds beauty in the morning when your breathe smells like New York city sewer water and you have an eyelash on your forehead and your panties on backwards. So often women date the same guy with a different name, and place far to much on firsts, oh when I first met him stars smoke and clowns were dancing blah, blah. The problem with this is your setting yourself up to over look or totally ignore red flags. Its like putting a nice wall paper over a wall full of holes, it looks nice from a distance but up close its a mess. My advice, stop putting so much pressure on yourself, and stop buying that fantasy that there is a "THE ONE". The one is the guy that you commit to and he does the same to you. None of us are perfect, find someone with flaws you can live with. Edited October 9, 2014 by DKT3 2
Redhead14 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Too much Hollywood in the hearts of young ladies. The one is the guy that will hold your hair when your throwing up or finds beauty in the morning when your breathe smells like New York city sewer water and you have an eyelash on your forehead and your panties on backwards. So often women date the same guy with a different name, and place far to much on firsts, oh when I first met him stars smoke and clowns were dancing blah, blah. The problem with this is your setting yourself up to over look or totally ignore red flags. Its like putting a nice wall paper over a wall full of holes, it looks nice from a distance but up close its a mess. My advice, stop putting so much pressure on yourself, and stop buying that fantasy that there is a "THE ONE". The one is the guy that you commit to and he does the same to you. None of us are perfect, find someone with flaws you can live with. Yep, having a pre-conceived vision of "the one" clouds your ability to see into a person for who THEY are.
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