Bella2 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Almost 7 weeks since BU. Since a couple of days I'm feeling better. I realise my life hasn't ended and I can move on. That's great. I've been meeting some new people, yes, also men. What I liked so much with my ex is that we laughed a lot. We had the same sense of humour, and that's really important to me. And I'm not finding that with "the new people" I meet. Is it that I miss HIM or that I miss someone to have the same connection with? Probably the last... Yes yes, it's only been 7 weeks, I know that. Maybe one day the comparing will stop? 1
AriAri Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Almost 7 weeks since BU. Since a couple of days I'm feeling better. I realise my life hasn't ended and I can move on. That's great. I've been meeting some new people, yes, also men. What I liked so much with my ex is that we laughed a lot. We had the same sense of humour, and that's really important to me. And I'm not finding that with "the new people" I meet. Is it that I miss HIM or that I miss someone to have the same connection with? Probably the last... Yes yes, it's only been 7 weeks, I know that. Maybe one day the comparing will stop? I get it!! i dated someone a year ago that was sarcastic and funny. He got me, understood me and never judged. We were so alike, in a good way. Dating after him was hard for months and months. it seems that funny and a great personally lacks these days. It will get better. You miss the connection you had with him, not so much him. You broke up for a reason, remember that. Now you know what you are looking for in a partner. You will go through a lot of bad but in time you will find the perfect person for you. Plus it seems like you know what you want in traits for a partner, which takes people a long, long time to figure out. Best Wishes, and you will find your perfect match!!
Author Bella2 Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 I get it!! i dated someone a year ago that was sarcastic and funny. He got me, understood me and never judged. We were so alike, in a good way. Dating after him was hard for months and months. it seems that funny and a great personally lacks these days. It will get better. You miss the connection you had with him, not so much him. You broke up for a reason, remember that. Now you know what you are looking for in a partner. You will go through a lot of bad but in time you will find the perfect person for you. Plus it seems like you know what you want in traits for a partner, which takes people a long, long time to figure out. Best Wishes, and you will find your perfect match!! Well, I hope so. I'm sometimes looking around at men, talking to some, but there is absolutely nobody that interests me remotely. So you dated someone a year ago, and you started something with somebody else after that? (and that's finished and so you're here on LS?) Will check out your posts/threads later, no time now!
Jet Lag Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Well, I hope so. I'm sometimes looking around at men, talking to some, but there is absolutely nobody that interests me remotely. I'm not really looking at men yet...but this is the exact same issue I have. I don't even find anyone at all attractive. Pity my ex doesn't have the same issue.
Haydn Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 7 weeks is nothing so i am happy that you are meeting new people. Don`t look for a replacement, look for something new. Once i stopped trying to replicate `misery`, i was able to appreciate difference. Good luck. 3
Author Bella2 Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 I don't even find anyone at all attractive. Pity my ex doesn't have the same issue. Same here. For some reason, he has always very quickly started new relationships, don't know how he always manages to bump into someone immediately that he really likes. I don't constantly bump into extremely handsome, funny, intelligent and attractive guys Rarely!!!
Author Bella2 Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 7 weeks is nothing so i am happy that you are meeting new people. Don`t look for a replacement, look for something new. Once i stopped trying to replicate `misery`, i was able to appreciate difference. Good luck. Yeah, I guess... 7 weeks is nothing. But it's true that I know what (what kind of person) I want. Not gonna be easy, that's for sure!
central Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Don't compare new people to your ex - he's now irrelevant. Compare them to your standards and preferences, on their own merits. 2
Arieswoman Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Bella2, I know how you feel, but 7 weeks is nothing. Give it more time, maybe 6 months before dating again. Meet new people, take up new hobbies etc. I know it all sounds very trite when your heart is breaking every day, but it's the only way. You need time out to get to know yourself and what you want. It does get better, believe me, and as the pain goes and you start to heal you'll maybe find that you viewpoint changes and you won't be looking for the same time of guy, or the same type of relationship. Good luck x 2
JDPT Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 It is utterly normal for you to feel this way. Actually, expect this to linger on for a little while longer. I thought I was going insane a few months post BU comparing my ex to literally every woman I saw anywhere I was. And I would always end up feeling guilty and kicked myself in the ass for losing something so "good". Then the day came when I started seeing other women for what they were and was able to appreciate their uniqueness. Don't worry you will get over this phase in hopefully no time, hang tight and continue to power through these times. 5
Author Bella2 Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 Don't compare new people to your ex - he's now irrelevant. Compare them to your standards and preferences, on their own merits. "Don't compare", I know, but it just happens automatically. But yes, my standards and preferences, I will think about that....
Author Bella2 Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 Tonight I've been invited to dinner by the guy that I went on a date with already after two weeks (if interested, this is mentioned in my thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/492865-ex-passed-when-i-date ) Nice guy and all, but not my type at all, and afterwards I told him that I was not interested in him "that way", but we could "be friends". He was cool about that and agreed. So tonight I am gonna have dinner at his place (he's cooking), but I sort of know that he still hopes that we're gonna hit it off big time. And that just is NOT gonna happen. So I guess I will have to explain that to him tonight. Yes, of course I've been comparing him to my ex. I actually do not even want to go, to be perfectly honest, why did I say "yes"???
Author Bella2 Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 Just when I posted, he sent me an sms. The sms makes it very clear that he is thinking of a whole different evening than I had in mind Should cancel immediately? f*ck
Author Bella2 Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 I cancelled. I said that I wasn't interested in a relationship with him, not now and not in the future. That I was sure about that. That he is a great person, as a friend, but that's it. So he's now reading my message and gonna be hurt most likely. I hate stuff like this.
Arieswoman Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Bella2, Congratulations on doing the right thing. It is far better that he gets rebuffed now, rather than at his house when you might have an embarrassing situation on your hands. Unfortunately there are some guys about that prey on vulnerable women. They think that because you've just had a break-up then you are either desperate for sex, or lonely and able to be persuaded into a sexual encounter. This guy gave his real motivations away but others may not so be vigilant. And don't feel guilty about saying "no" to anything you aren't happy with. You told this guy you didn't want a relationship in the first instance. If he didn't listen, then it's his problem. Stay strong and good luck. x
Kid_Charlemange Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I'm not really looking at men yet...but this is the exact same issue I have. I don't even find anyone at all attractive. Pity my ex doesn't have the same issue. You've described my 2014. Met a lot of very nice women. Got involved with a few of them. Some were funnier than my ex, some smarter, etc. But none had the combination. And only one was within an order of magnitude on the attraction scale. My ex lowered her standards pretty dramatically to date me for some very specific reasons. And that's one of the reasons she dumped me, as well... that plus she's pretty much insane. Still. Those memories got burned into my brain, and it's hard, very hard, to not compare. I know it's not healthy, but that's how my brain works. 1
Itspointless Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 "Don't compare", I know, but it just happens automatically. But yes, my standards and preferences, I will think about that.... It are the standards and preferences that keep us fixed. I do not mean that you shouldn't have standards (in the meaning of degrading yourself) but at this moment your standards and preferences still only fit one model. We need the capacity to let other people surprise us, than only we can judge people on their own merits. Our preferences might be different than we think, while our standards were just barriers to overcome. 1
AriAri Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Well, I hope so. I'm sometimes looking around at men, talking to some, but there is absolutely nobody that interests me remotely. So you dated someone a year ago, and you started something with somebody else after that? (and that's finished and so you're here on LS?) Will check out your posts/threads later, no time now! I have dated and even joined a dating site. Met more friends than anyone I would be in a serious relationship with. I now know what i want in a real relationship thanks to the person i dated a year ago but also thanks to the bad dates I've gone through i know what i don't want. Dating is an experience, enjoy the good and bad. Learn from it, you will grow from this. just keep going out and meeting new people, keep doing what you are doing and it will happen for you. Dating is like work there's good days and bad. Don't get discouraged. Actually i am on LS because of a relationship i was in 5 years ago, needed advice. Not the lovely one I was in a year ago. I read your post and it reminded me of the great relationship that helped me grow not brought me down. It get better. Trust me.
Author Bella2 Posted October 10, 2014 Author Posted October 10, 2014 I now know what i want in a real relationship thanks to the person i dated a year ago but also thanks to the bad dates I've gone through i know what i don't want. I know what I don't want (haha, every guy that I meet for the moment ) 1
Itspointless Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 Sometimes it is more important to find ourselves than other people. We know when we found our self, that often is the time other people will find us, if we aren't hiding in some way.
Cupid's Puppet Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 I just prepare myself for potentially meeting Mr. Runner Up in the future. I too feel like everyone out there just doesn't compare. Makes the breakup hurt that much more because seeing what's out there makes me even more hopeless for my future. However...I look at the boyfriends and husbands of other people and that does give me hope. The ones who aren't available and who are taken give me hope, yes. My manager has a great relationship with his wife and there's got to be others out there like him, right? I'm not saying I have a thing for my boss lol. He smokes which is a turn off. But I admire the love for his wife, and that is what makes me a little hopeful. And he is nothing like my ex. 1
Cupid's Puppet Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 I'm not really looking at men yet...but this is the exact same issue I have. I don't even find anyone at all attractive. Pity my ex doesn't have the same issue. Men's brains work differently. Their whole biology is basically geared toward finding an attractive mate to have sex with. As women, we look more for protection first and the attraction follows. I'm not trying to lecture you, by the way. I just think this comes up a lot with women finding it hard to be attracted by others while their ex can find all kinds of women attractive following the breakup. I also think women share so many of the same qualities which makes us easier to replace because he can find many other women who are attractive, smart, goal-oriented, funny, kind, compassionate, talented, etc. I know the men here are rolling their eyes 1
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