Personally Me Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Trying to cope with a break up that is about to happen or in mid stream. Last week, my longterm boyfriend and I had a huge text fight that went the wrong way for both of us. During this he said, he gives up and I can keep the apartment. This has happened before and we lost our first apartment. We don't handle issues well, childish on both side and we take things too far. I really don't know if he really has given up or coming home. He regretted losing our first apartment which was over a fight going too far and took a life of it's own. I want to believe he would not do that again. All last week, I texted him everyday with no response. I said everything I could say, every which way, wanting him to come home and put this fight pasted us. On Monday, I sent a last text saying we needed these questions answered, What do you really want? What is important to you? If it was up to you, what would you like to see happen? That was 3 days ago and he has not responded. He did that last time and he ask me back to try again. Not sure if he will this time, though. His withholding by not responding is something he does but in the past he says he never blocks me and if I block him then he knows its over. He hasn't blocked me, my messages are going through but nothing in return. I am in so much pain and anxiety, I starting searching forums in hope for some guidance, support and comfort. I am very alone and no friends near by to talk to. I don't have a social network. My grown sons, I am trying to keep out of it, until I know what is happening. We love each other, but don't know if that is enough. I want to believe it is and believe he will come home. But I have to be prepare if this is really it. He hasn't come around to get any of his things. I told him that I was keeping our home safe for us. He knows I am unemployed and could not keep this apartment. I don't know if I should be more prepare to pack or stay. So much to process and feeling overwhelmed.
mightycpa Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Why do you want to get back into this? What is so wonderful about him that you can swing back and forth from texting quarrels that split you up to being all lovey-dovey? The worst part is that it is so destructive that he has put your living arrangements at risk not once, but twice! The actual place where you live and sleep! You really want some guidance? Here it is, you're not going to like it. Block him. Don't ever talk to him again. Find someone who doesn't bring out the drama in you. You're actiing like you're 15, not like a woman with grown sons. Act your age. Act like you've learned something in this life.
Author Personally Me Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 Mightycpa: You have asked some really good questions to make me think. He come home today to talk about misunderstandings and he is not going to cancel the lease. Why do you want to get back into this? I want to share my life with his man because I believe we can create a good life together and have the foundation to succeed. We both have similar values, we want the same things, we have the same goals and we love each other. What is so wonderful about him that you can swing back and forth from texting quarrels that split you up to being all lovey-dovey? This is the part that I have to correct. Text quarrels are the worst, they cause misunderstandings and emotions to run high. The quarrels are just that quarrels. Quarrels are not love, they are unsolved issues. I have to admit, it is I that takes it too far and confuses him with text quarreling. He has always tried to stop it but I let my emotions take over. Threatening our home the second time Yes, that was the scary waiting part and I struggled with putting my trust in him that he didn't want that for us. He came through today by reassuring me that he was not going to cancel the lease. He felt that my texts showed I was threatening our home, first. Acting my age I do not have much experience for my age in relationships. I was married young and divorced young, 10 years together as grade school sweethearts. My second marriage was 25 years until I became a widow. I had a rebound relationship of 3 years without marriage by my choice. He was in a 35 year marriage until he became widowed and he started a new family and has small children. We both are young in love with little experience how to blend two families together and be together. But we are both experienced enough to know if this is real love or not. The struggle is how to cope with daily issues without causing fear that we will lose the person you love. We both lost mates that we truly loved and I think our greatest fear is losing each other and we are so sensitive to that. The smallest threat to cause insecurity in that area and we do stupid things. I am more naive then imature. We love as teenagers finding our first love but we must stop acting like teenagers when we have adult issues.
mightycpa Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I think our greatest fear is losing each other and we are so sensitive to that. The smallest threat to cause insecurity in that area and we do stupid things....We love as teenagers finding our first love but we must stop acting like teenagers when we have adult issues. I think that's the most sensible thing you've said. OK, here is my advice to you to teenagers: You probably have different styles of fighting because you were married to different people, and these two styles clash. Understandable and fixable. Both of you need to sit down, and set out some ground rules about how you will fight from now on. Go to the library and maybe get some books about it. Structure your fights so that they are less emotional and more communicative. If you, OP, go over the edge too much and become irrational, then own up to it. If he overreacts to your irrationality, then he needs to own that. Come up with a code word he can text you so that you'll agree to stop, or at least calm down, or calm him down. Maybe you need to write things down, or take turns insulting each other, turn it into a game. I don't know, but if you can actually talk to each other rationally, you can fix this. But only because you actually ARE adults. If you were really teenagers, I'd tell you each to find people you're more compatible with.
Author Personally Me Posted October 10, 2014 Author Posted October 10, 2014 Mightycpa: Thank you for your reply of encouragements. It helps talking it through and getting another's view point. It bring my attention to my own words. Our fears, why, and with that knowledge, I can accept and do things differently. Yes, learning to manage conflicts is the main issue. Not the actual conflict. I like the idea of having a code word...its fast, clear and safe. Also, your take on how we over-react off each other. I have been reading Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue, after the "first' time. Because I don't have a social network of friends and I signed up for counselling back in April and just got in mid September. I am proabably one of few that enjoy seeing a therapist! The question asked to me was: What did I want out of these sessions. My answer was to understand myself better. If I had the insight BEFORE last week, I would have handled the situation better and it would likely not have happened. We talked today and he said this is the way we should always talk about things. There was no overboard emotions and we were able to talk without interrupting each other. I listened and he listened. I think we are compatible, but in different stages of our lives and I think we can find a middle ground that is a win win situation, without feeling we are losing each other. We are going to talk again, I hope on Saturday. Any advice for me with the next talk? P.S. What does OP stand for?
mightycpa Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 (edited) It's a two-letter way to refer to the person who started the thread. Original Poster, or sometimes, to refer to the first question or issue, Original Post. I don't know you nearly well enough to intrude on your personal talk about how to make it work. Be fearless, by being honest and open. Intimacy goes a long way in diffusing fights. Tell him you'll fight in good faith from now on, not to attack him, but to achieve things that are best for both of you. That's all I've got. Good luck with it. Edited October 10, 2014 by mightycpa
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