Feeling Alive, Dead, Empty and Full At The Same Time...

[AaronSG]

Life lately has been very interesting, it's been odd, it's been making me feel alive, it's been making certain parts of me feel dead inside, certain parts of me feel very hollow and empty and certain parts of me feel very much alive, it's very hard to explain.

 

Alive - Lately in certain aspects of my life I've been feeling very much alive. All the way to packing up my old place once shared with another, to making the move into my own place, the process made me feel very much alive. Knowing that I have survived the destructive wake of a sociopathic woman, has made me feel pretty good and alive. Each time the sun rises and sets and I've survived another day on my own makes me feel a little bit more alive. The more I come to web sites like this, and with an open mind, I read, think and learn I feel more and more alive.

 

Dead - As the days progress, and the more I'm able to prove to myself that I can indeed live to fight another day with out her, I keep feeling like the more of her that remains in my heart dies a little bit more each day. I still get emotional and frustrated and disappointed about the breakup. But each little success I'm having on my own, is making me feel that she is more dead inside me. It's almost as if I'm now mourning my ex-fiance's internal death inside my heart, it feels like I'm losing her again, but not just in body like my first go around, but this second time, it feels as if I'm feeling the departure of her spirit within, and am now feeling the pain and hurt of the internal loss.

 

Empty - As I now go about this journey called life, I am forced at times to realize the reminders that it's just me now, and no one else. When I'm now about ready to leave the home on my scooter, I realize there isn't someone there handing me my helmet and saying "I love you Aaron, be safe, call me when you get there, this makes me feel empty inside. Now sitting down alone after cooking a dinner by myself and flicking on the TV and eating alone makes me feel empty inside. Now walking through a home with just me in it, and not having someone ready around a corner to try and scare me out of my skin makes me feel very empty inside. Taking my late night walks and not having my ex-fiance by my side to joke with, talk with and hold hands with, not having that now makes feel a little empty inside. I'm just missing everything from the big things, to the small that we used to do together, not having that anymore feels pretty empty.

 

Full - Getting relationships started back with various friends and family has given me a sense of being full again, for it hurt to find out that my ex-fiance has secret talks with say my Son and tell him things like Daddy doesn't like you anymore and stay away from our home. It's helping to make me feel full again undoing the relationship damage she left behind. Having my own new home that has never been shared by me with another woman is helping me to feel full. Seeing my two cats recover from the loss of their former Mommy, seeing them play with each other again, seeing them eating more and behaving as they did a long time ago is making me feel full. Now being able to have a new founded peace of mind is helping me to feel full. No more parent issues, no more sending people money issues, no more trying to be controlled issues, no more manipulation issues, no more sad boo hoo victim story's, no more conspiracy theories, no more complaining about "Big brother", no more 2nd grade drop out mentality, no more "I used to be a cutter", just no more of any of all that is helping me to feel full again.

 

I don't know, I'm just feeling like I'm in a weird place in my recovery, not all sad, not all happy, not all full, not all empty, not all dead and not all alive! Just weird feelings and thoughts, feeling a bit on, while feeling a bit off at the same time.

 

Strange times.....

[Reels]

You feel empty when you don't get what you actually want.

 

Obviously that's the case, but as long as you cannot have her, you can try having anything else in your life? Try reading, writing, working a bit more than you used to do before. It will definitely benefit you.