Jesper Meineche Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 So my girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 months now. Within the past few weeks, I've noticed something. I compliment her with different things in different amounts, like; 'That's a lovely sweater you have bought' or 'Your hair really looks great today, babe' - The 'usual' stuff. But she never compliments me, she actualy never has. When I write her a cute message, all I get is just 'Awe, you too!" - Which I find lazy and disrespectful at always. And we live like.... 30 miles apart (1 hour car, 2-3 hour train/bus). We see eachother every weekend and at anniversaries and holidays. I'm always the one to start the conversations, I'm always the who calls. I usualy only text like once per day or every other day, without being a burden. Last week, I tried to wait 5 days to see if she actualy would text me or call me - And nope, she didn't. And whenever I cuddle her somewhere she likes to be cuddled, like slightly on her belly, she doesn't say anything. And when she cuddles my hair, if I'm that lucky, I always respond like: 'That feels so good'. All in all, it just seems like I'm the one who's holding the relationship together and I almost feel like... A minion. Sometimes she says "I love you" and that's it. But I just feel like... How can I know that I'm good enough or doing a good job or being a good boyfriend, when she never tells me? When I ask her about how her day was, she just replies with 'Fine. Yours?' - like she's not interrested in or appreciating the fact that I care for her and care about her days. And I don't wanna be too clingy in anyway, and I don't wanna be too much of a slacker. I don't wanna be too gentle or too 'rough' (the opposite of gentle?), I just wanna be the perfect mix - And I feel myself as it and most of my friends tells me that as well. And I don't wanna be it only for myself, I wan't to be it for her especially. But she never praises me or criticize me. It's like I'm opening a locked door where she holds the key, and I don't want to kick the door open. The door being a symbol of the core of our relationship. Or is it really just me? Is it just me who's putting too much into our relationship too early?
Assasda Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 hahaha you are a minion. You know exactly what you are. You give selfish compliments, because you dont really want to compliment her. You just want her to compliment you. And she can smell that on you and she knows its not genuine. bottom like You have her on the pedestal She doesnt respect you
d0nnivain Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Have you ever told her that she doesn't praise you? She may not even realize her silence / lack of communication is a problem. be gentle when you open this discussion. Don't be angry or accusatory. 3
HereAndThenGone Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Wow, this struck a chord. I just recently got out of 2-3 month relationship with a guy that I really liked. He stopped talking to me for 5 days and I figured he lost interest so I sent him a text saying I think we want different things and he responded nicely, wishing me the best. I miss him like crazy but I would never tell him that. I admit I was standoffish a little bit. I probably didn't compliment him enough. I regret that now because I thought he was really handsome, and a gentlemen, and I really liked him. A lot. I just sucked at saying that because I was scared he'd think it was too much to soon or that I was clingy. I felt that he was standoffish too. I always felt like he either wasn't as interested as I was because sometimes he'd wait days to text me. Then, once I asked him to come over one night and he declined. Admittedly it was last minute and he had a valid excuse about having to be up early the next day but if you liked a girl would you really want to give her the wrong impression or would you make an effort to go see her? I don't know the answer to that. He did ask to see me again a few times after that, and when we were together it was great. I say maybe it's a lack of communication? You won't know if you don't bring it up somehow. I wish I would have been more frank and asked him what he was thinking because now here I am, it's over and I never made that effort. If it scares her off, then she wasn't the right one for you and you're saving yourself more pain in the long run.
LoneIsland Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Women rarely praise. You probably shouldn't try to make them, or you are going to come across as lacking in confidence. Your girl's ILY should be more than enough to cover all your praising.
d0nnivain Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Women rarely praise. . That's not true. I know plenty of women who give compliments all the time to their friends, to their SOs. Heck DH teases me because I will compliment perfect strangers if they are deserving (e.g. I love your shoes! )
Assasda Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 on the contrary women always praise. Thats what they do. OP is just acting feminine, so, the woman doesnt respect him as a man
LoneIsland Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 (edited) That's not true. I know plenty of women who give compliments all the time to their friends, to their SOs. Heck DH teases me because I will compliment perfect strangers if they are deserving (e.g. I love your shoes! ) If your praise is spread that wide and thin then they are not special. Your are just being courteous to people. If someone doesn't have a habit of doing that, they shouldn't be forced into it, or it will come out sounding fake. I don't believe a guy should need more than ILY as a praise. Edited October 8, 2014 by LoneIsland
BlueIris Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Maybe this is a “Love Language” problem. It’s a pretty interesting book and theory. Might be worth looking into. And it can be a good conversation starter, to both take the little online quizzes to find out your languages and then talk about them. I dated an “acts of service” and “gifts” guy and felt that he didn’t care about me because I’m a “words” and “touch” gal. Gifts annoy me, poor guy. lol 3
mightycpa Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Jesper, you seem a little needy, no offense. I mean, I guess it is one thing to notice these things, and to question the level of her attraction/interest/devotion to you. That's pretty normal, I think. But there's the part that you feel, I don't know, is entitled the right word? You sound like you feel like she owes you these compliments. She is who she is. She may or may not be a vocal praiser. You can talk to her about it, but if this isn't her style, and she starts, she's not going to like it in the long run. Or maybe she is a praiser, and you're not all that. Maybe what you should try is to back off a little. She will either try to fill the void, or she won't. I don't mean that you should play a game with her, I simply mean that you two might be going at different speeds, and you need to slow down. What do you think? 1
2sunny Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 If she not the type who gives compliments and you need that from the gal you date - then you may not be a good fit. Read the give love languages. It may help you understand that since that's not her style - you won't be able to force her to do it your way in order for you to feel comfortable. If you need that and she's never going to give it authentically - then you don't speak the same language.
Diezel Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 You give selfish compliments, because you dont really want to compliment her. You just want her to compliment you. And she can smell that on you and she knows its not genuine. This is absolutely it. I used to be like this, years ago as well. If I went days without me complimenting her too, she'd worry that something was wrong but would never initiate it herself. I had to have a talk with her about how much it sucked to never be complimented at all. I had come from a long line of relationships were I ALWAYS heard how handsome I was or how much fun they had with me, etc, etc, etc... and then came into a relationship with someone who would NEVER compliment me, and when she did, it felt forced and not genuine at all. Quite the bummer. Didn't last much longer after that. Sometimes as human beings, we try to extract qualities from people where there are none of those. Sometimes it's better to just start from scratch with someone who will. 1
Author Jesper Meineche Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 Many of these replies are really helpful, and I appreciate it! But I don't compliment her, so that she should compliment me. I praise her, do things for her and compliment her to make her feel special, 'cause that's what she is to me. I don't demand the same behavior from her, but it would just be nice with a few signs of appreciation. And in a relationship, I don't think it's enough to just say "I love you" here and then, I think you should actually try to prove it. And a good way to prove it, is to make the person feel special. Because anyone can say "I love you", but it is not anyone that can prove it. But then, should I just stop complimenting and praising her, so we're like on the same level?
Diezel Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 But she never compliments me, she actualy never has. When I write her a cute message, all I get is just 'Awe, you too!" - Which I find lazy and disrespectful at always. Don't say you aren't complimenting her as a means to fish for a response. Maybe you don't realize you are doing it, but the quote PROVES it. If she doesn't say something equal to what you are saying, in your mind, she isn't reciprocating it, hence, it is disrespectful. If you feel like you are at a point where you need to compliment less to be on her level, then you two aren't on the same level and maybe you need to find someone who will go out of their way to compliment you. If this is how you feel this early into the relationship, imagine what it's going to be like in a year or 5?
Gaeta Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I have 2 theory: 1. She was not raised in an environment promoting praising so it's jut not into her to do that. You can verify that by observing if she praises others. If she praises no one then that is the way she is. She can learn how to do it but it has to come from her and her desire to change that side of her personality. 2. You praise her to much. I have experimented this myself a few times. If a man praises and compliments me a lot then I won't reciprocate, it's hard to explain why, it's like he is taking all the space and leaves none to me to express myself. If the man is not a praiser I tend to do all the praising. I suggest you tone down your praising and see how that unfolds. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I've had boyfriends who were naturally expressive with praise and compliments, and boyfriends who were not. I myself am pretty expressive in that way, and I've figured out that I need a man who is as well. You can try to groom your partner, but in my experience you can feel it when it's not natural. Personally, I'll pass on the non-expressive types in the future. They're unlikely to change, and it just doesn't do it for me.
Brooke02 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I've had boyfriends who were naturally expressive with praise and compliments, and boyfriends who were not. I myself am pretty expressive in that way, and I've figured out that I need a man who is as well. You can try to groom your partner, but in my experience you can feel it when it's not natural. Personally, I'll pass on the non-expressive types in the future. They're unlikely to change, and it just doesn't do it for me. I agree, some people some don't. You need someone who does. Also, who can go five days without at least saying Hi to your boyfriend/girlfriend? Something is wrong with that. If your into the relationship and enjoy the person you'd want to say Hi, Good Morning, etc.
preraph Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I was never one to praise physical attributes, except if I really liked a hairstyle (was into long-haired guys). Women who are constantly flattering men, I find irksome, but they really do like it -- and what amazes me is they assume it's genuine and not just someone flattering them to get something. But I always did praise ambition and talent in men, and very heavily. I motived more than one guy to pursue his talent and his dream and they never forget you for that. But I really meant that. I didn't praise their music or art if I didn't really like it.
ComingInHot Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I've had boyfriends who were naturally expressive with praise and compliments, and boyfriends who were not. I myself am pretty expressive in that way, and I've figured out that I need a man who is as well. You can try to groom your partner, but in my experience you can feel it when it's not natural. Personally, I'll pass on the non-expressive types in the future. They're unlikely to change, and it just doesn't do it for me. There is ALWAYS something to find about someone to give them praise, kudos, props etc... I am big on that so long as it's true* I actually have gotten pretty astute at complimenting myself (kind of had to).*
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