there must be a screw loose upstairs

[katty]

wow guys you really got me to thinking about alot of other stuff other than my ex Blaine. Such as the comments about not being able to leave. Really made me think. There is definitely a time to leave. Don't get me wrong I hate cheaters and dumpers too. However I am thankful today that I was able to leave my very abusive marriage. I married my first love and only found out how abusive he was on our honeymoon. I stayed in this marriage only because I did not want to fail at marriage like my parents did. I went from being this young girl who loved life and spoke to everyone to a girl who never looked anyone in the eyes anymore. I started to lie about the abuse to my friends and family and spoke only with my minister about leaving and about the abuse and b/c my husband cried and claimed it would never happen again, my minister thought I needed to stay and then one night after my husband had busted our bathroom mirror slamming my face into it and beating me so severely that I couldn't stand up did I realize that I had to find a way to leave or that same minister would be preaching at my funeral. That night I even thought of suicide (first and last time it ever crossed my mind) but it did b/c I was stubborn enough not to want to give my husband the satisfaction of killing me and I felt so trapped and felt as if that might be my only way out. Sorry to bore you with a story from my past but anyways I did start planning my departure. I got up one morning and got ready for work as I always did, told my husband that I was going to run my dog to the vet before work and I got in my car and I left him. I had invested a large amount of money in our home and in his business and after I left he of course never allowed me to get any of my clothes, etc. but I didn't care. My mom felt as if I should fight in court for at least half of everything because I was the one that had bought the land, home, dump trucks, backhoes, etc. however till this day I still think I came out on top because I got out with the most important thing my life, oh and my dog of course. I didn't mind leaving all of my clothes and worldly belongings but I wasn't going anyplace without my dog. lol. I know this is totally off of my original post but just wanted you all to know that even though I don't think to highly of cheaters and dumpers there is always the case where a person has no other choice but to leave.

Sorry this was so long guys.

Thanks for all of the great post on your opinions about my situation with my latest ex. I think certain times of the month (lol) make me think more about him.

 

I love all of you guys for giving it to me straight and helping me when I am having a hard time. There is a special place in heaven for all of you, just as there is a special place in he-- for all of those mean dumpers and cheaters.

Love ya guys

Kat

[greenhorn]

Originally posted by katty

I know this is totally off of my original post but just wanted you all to know that even though I don't think to highly of cheaters and dumpers there is always the case where a person has no other choice but to leave.

Kat

 

Hey kat, I am sorry if something from me was not in good taste.But from your original post I didn't have this side of your story.I am exteremely sorry if my posts left you totally pissed off.

 

Well to add to this 'cheaters' and 'dumpers' are not those who seem obvious. In your this case definitely you were not the cheater or the dumper and in one of my previous post once I had commented on this that sometimes your'SO' can make your situation such that the actual dumpage is carried out by the dumpee.Well these issues are not always which meets the eye but more than what meets the eyes.

 

I am sometimes bit acerbic on the cheater and dumper issue and I know it is my weakness..anyway I didn't intend anything wrong towards you...hope you get my point

 

Good Day Kat,

[katty]

I wanted to reassure you that you did not piss me off by no means. My situation at that time in my life was totally different than my present day breakup. Trust me you did not offend me. I can understand where you are coming from b/c I know I sometimes wish that people couldn't cheat or dump us. Well actually I think I have wished that bad things happened to particular parts if they did. We are all allowed to have wishful thinking. Well just wanted to let you know that I wasn't upset with your previous post and definitely not pissed off. I was actually thankful b/c it gave me something to think of other than Blaine. I got out of that marriage over 12 years ago and I dated the same guy for 7 years w/o marrying him and thought I would never want to marry again but Blaine changed all of that. I was finally ready to try it again.

Take care and know that your words did not piss me off.

Kat

[gotthelook4u]

I met a guy he made me happy and then about 10 days later he tells me it is over cause he wants his ex back. I cry and cry and cry. He was so great and I cannot move on. I want to but I really came to care for him. We started off as friends first of course. I ended up falling for him and he wants his ex back. It hurts and I am trying to get over him. I hope I do soon. I am tired of being upset over something I cannot change.

[katty]

gotthelook4u,

I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. You are at the right place. Lucky for you it was only 10 days. I know right now that comes as no comfort but you know the old saying, the longer the relationship, the longer the heartache when its over. Unfortunately it sounds as if he may have used you as a rebound or to make his ex jealous. Not sure, I would need more information. I just want you to know that we have all been there. Cry if it makes you feel better. I wish there was a pill that we could all take to mend our broken heart, I would love to at least have a pill to forget my ex until my heart fully heals. Just know that you deserve better. Who is to say that his ex will even want him back, and even if she does who knows he may turn around in 10 days and dump her b/c he can't stop thinking of you. I wish you a speedy recovery and know that we are all here if you need us. We can't be there to hand you tissues to wipe your eyes, or to go kick his stupid a-- but we can be here if you need to post.

Stay strong, if you cared this much in 10 days just think of the love you have on the horizon with someone who is around a much longer time.

Hugs

Kat

[greenhorn]

Today is exactly the third month when I last talked to her and started NC ....................

[katty]

Good for you Greenhorn. You know sometimes I feel as if I should be in some sort of addiction meeting b/c I count every day clean of Blaine.

It would go something like Hello my name is Katarina and my addiction is to Blaine,, I have been held strong and had nc in over 4 months.

The nc is hard but this is the first breakup I have ever had where I could honor the nc rule. He told me on Oct. 20th he was engaged. Did not speak to him again for one week then spoke to him on Oct. 27th and I have not spoke with him since. I am almost at 5 months and the nc is a lot easier but I still miss him.

Great job Greenhorn keep up the fine work.

Kat

[greenhorn]

Thanks Katty for the nice words,

 

Third month to the end of something which was there for 7 years ah...

 

Yeah I never ever thought of breaking NC, it was not that I had the strength, or got someone else, or it does not hurt but much more than missing her what pains is the hurt that is inside me, the hurt of betrayal and cheating,the hurt of ruthless dumping by someone who was most important in your life for 7 years.. and this hurt has left a permanent distaste for any future relationship.

 

I have kinda lost trust ....

 

But I am moving on.....

 

Good Luck to all others like Gotthelook4u, trust me it will get easy.There are things which we can't change and ought to accept them.

[gotthelook4u]

He was a great guy here is a lil bit of stuff I wrote about him maybe you will understand why I am so upset. A pill would be great. But hey we women r strong and we will get thru everything men throw at us. Men sometimes just hurt us I know but when they claim to really care about you and then pull something like Paul (my ex) and your ex it hurts more than anything.... He always wanted to cuddle with me and never wanted to let go. Should have known the sensative ones hurt you worse.... All I knew was I was happy and I didn't care what my family and friends thought of him and said. I wanted to be with him and so I was. Maybe I should have listened to people but I didn't and I am paying for it now.

[katty]

Greenhorn, It will take a long time but eventually you will trust again. Look at it this way, if you don't ever trust again, then your ex who dumped all over you will have the satisfaction of winning once again.

Kat

[greenhorn]

Originally posted by katty

Greenhorn, It will take a long time but eventually you will trust again. Look at it this way, if you don't ever trust again, then your ex who dumped all over you will have the satisfaction of winning once again.

Kat

 

Thanks Katty, it is really amazing to be in such a close knit community that we have here at LS it really helps..

 

I am happy, just got a bit sentimental seeing the date today,and now I shrugged it off..I am not going to be cowed down...

[tokyo]

katty, after reading your posts I'm not sure about my previous recommendations. As you seem to be more interested in moving and have already succeeded in overcoming this a lot, maybe you should not stirr up old feelings. If you think you will never look back and ask yourself if you should have let him known how much you loved him or not, then I would say, move on. I always fear the regrets when it's really too late and I have problems with unfinished businesses, but other people are different. I think I could only walk away if I was convinced that the guy was a bad choice and bad choice in my eyes also includes when someone is convinced that I would be the wrong choice. But it's true, the question also is, would *you* take him back if it turned out he was *only* confused.

 

 

(Greenhorn, please, tell me that I was right again about not jumping to conclusions concerning dumpers, I'd looooove to hear that. )

[greenhorn]

Originally posted by kooky

(Greenhorn, please, tell me that I was right again about not jumping to conclusions concerning dumpers, I'd looooove to hear that. )

 

Lol How can 'Kooky' be wrong? Yes, you were 100 % correct about not jumping to conclusions concerning dumpers. But allow me to be little mischevious and say the statement was meant only to make you feel happy and I don't subscribe to it nay just kidding....

 

[katty]

Kooky, I hope I didn't confuse you with the story from my past about my marriage with my most recent heartache. I only wish that I was at the place where I could move on and not look back. Maybe if Blaine had been mean like my ex husband was maybe I would find it easier to move on. I know that I am too stubborn to contact him but I do know that I still love Blaine and still think he is my soul-mate. How screwed up is that?

Kat

[tokyo]

Oh no, I did understand that you told the story about your ex and the reason why you left him because of greenhorn's critics on dumpers. I just thought when you were comparing moving on like getting over an addiction I thought that this relationship did not seem to have been the best for you. I also think that when you are truly in love with someon stubborness is only delaying the moment when you come out with your feelings, because you can't hold them in anymore and then it might be too late.

[moon]

Kooky and Greenhorn and Katty,

 

I noticed you commented on my post above.

 

I think I have really started to make a conscious effort to forget all about my ex. I think the length of time it takes to forget does have something to do with how long they were in your life and what exactly you expected to happen. My relationship was kicked around for four years. I broke up with him once and he came back a year later. I gave him a second chance. Then he dumped me and started seeing another woman in the end. It was very hurtful and I felt like my ex really let me down. I felt very disappointed in him and in humanity. You just wonder why the thing ever happened. You question your life and your choices. This period does continue for some time. But I guess it's what life is about. It's true we can't always be up. We do learn more about all aspects of our life when something like this happens. Life is so pretty when we are in love and everything is going our way, but it's the rough times that really make us stop and think.

 

So anyway, I have had my moment under the cloud, wondering why I deserved this and how am I going to get my feelings of rightiousness back in my life. It's been about 4.5 months. I feel like time has just raced by me. But I guess I have just realized with this whole process that sh*t happens. I have realized a lot of things. So I think that's what I am most happy about . I found a therapist, found new interests and realized that I can bounce back from such a horrible experience. So I think this whole evaluating, questiong, up and down fight that we go through with ourselves when something like this happens is GOOD. It's all positive. But yes I think there is a point when you have to say ENOUGH.... I am not going to think about this anymore. I think I am reaching this point (or have reached it already). I think I you go through waves of forgetting and then remembering and it hurts again. But I do think NC helps. I think break ups can teach us incredible lessons. Hey, we all must have stories right when we eventually get to what we want. It's not so much fun when you reach the top of the mountain (metophorically speaking) unless you can remember the gusting winds, moments you didn't think you'd make it, changes in your perception, episodes of glory and great strife.

 

Anyway, so Katty, Greenhorn, Kocky, anybody else going through those dumpee blues, keep riding them out and take your chance to look at yourself and your choices. Grow stronger from all of it. Realize it was supposed to happen in your life for some reason. That's what I am doing. I am so thankful for a place like this to come (Love Shack) to be open and honest. My friends don't know the half of what I've experienced in my own mind. But I am building up some resistence and won't put up with the kinds of things I did in the past. And yes maybe I'll be sweeter too.......Of course some of it was in fact my fault. And of course that's really what you beat yourself up for in the end. I sort of look at the days leading up to the break up as the time I really put my foot down (before the episode with the other woman). He couldn't handle it and I think still blames me for the break up--but whatever. It's just another case of he said, she said and unfortunately it might always be like that with him and I. He blames me, I blame him. It's pointless to dwell anymore.

 

Anyway, hope you guys are all having a good day. I am......It feels good to have a good day. So I do think things do get better. They actually have for me and I try to remind myself of that everyday.

[greenhorn]

Thanks Moon, that was an incredible post as always. I remembered you were one of the few people who helped me a lot in my crisis time.You are true when you say that everything happens for a cause and it should nurture our thinking. It does but all days are not the same, some high and some of them low..

 

anyway your replies are so comforting..

 

thanks once again ' Moon'

 

Good day...

[moon]

Greenhorn,

 

I am glad my posts are comforting. Yeah, I am really trying to move on now. I was reading something online about creative visualization and about how you have to force your mind to think good thoughts....how everything creates energy (positive and negative) including your thoughts. I have been trying this. So everytime my ex comes into my mind I am trying to divert those thoughts into something else. I started making a list of all the things I need to get done, too, and when my mind wanders I go back to the list and tell myself GET BUSY.

 

But things have gotten much better for me. I think a lot of what I was feeling was shock and disappointment. I think it takes a while for all those emotions to run their course inside your own brain. I hope I don't get anymore news on my ex in the near future because at this point I can live with all that's happen thus far. Anyway, so I am trying this creative visualization, I am applying to go back to school, I am still looking for a job that interests me more and I am trying to use my time more valuably.

 

But I think we all need time to get over a break up. Plus they can trigger a lot of other memories of our life, like our childhood, other break ups and things like that. Today I had my therapy and I found that I am stopping the blame game and just accepting what is and isn't. It feels so much better. I have hurt enough too. NC totally works. It helps just put those memories of them behind.

 

I am sure I will have more up and down days, but I am just thankful for the days now that are cool. I didn't experience much tension or anything today. Everything was pretty okay. But I don't have an ex who I think was the perfect guy and I don't necessarily think we should be together. I think most of what I felt was hurt and hurt takes a while to wash away. Plus it made me realize how foolish and stupid I was being. So I was blaming myself a lot. I hate that.

 

Anyway, take care. Good for you Greenhorn, too, it seems you have made great strides and you really went through a lot!! It seems like you are really gaining a fresh perspective on your situation and more importantly you're growing. That's about all we can really ask for. Change is good and can bring about many new positive things to our lives. That's what I am working on. It seems the most important thing for me right now is to think good thoughts.

 

Good luck.

[gotthelook4u]

Well I posted a couple days ago and I was majorly depresses. I am getting a little better. He keeps calling and I made the mistake of picking up and so now I am hurt once again. I really liked him and he keeps calling me telling me he really cares for me and how he still likes me a lot but that he wants his ex. But that if anything were to not work out between him and her how he would take me back in a heart beat. I don't want to want him but I do and I cannothelp it. I know we weren't together very long but he is a great guy and I reallyenjoyed my short time with him.

[katty]

Hi,

Just wanted to check in with all of you wonderful posters to see how you are now doing. For me, I am doing somewhat better. I would be lying if I said I don't think about Blaine. For those of you who are familar with my situation you will recall 2 main things I decided to do differently this time during this breakup and it just so happens it is the 2 things that use to help me survive the breakup those two things are getting drunk, or dating immediately. Both of these in the past use to help me cope only to come and bite me in the a-- later on. Not only that it has been the cause of hurting someone else. My rule this time was no dating for me for the first three months of breakup in order to save heartache or a rebound situation. As for the drinking well, that only leads to my getting liquid courage and making foolish late night calls. I feel as if eliminating these 2 have helped me b/c this time the breakup has stayed on a steady course of no contact. I know in the end I will be glad that I stayed away from both the booze and the men until I am stronger. I have started dating again, no one special and several different guys but still keep myself disattached. I have also been honest with them about my feelings towards my ex. I get depressed sometimes and may post to much but right now this forum is my only vice that doesn't come back to bite me. Hope everyone is doing ok. Thanks for helping me get thru those few bad days this past week. I can't promise I won't have more but it is comforting to know that I have you guys to fall back on when I have a bad day. Thanks again.

Kat