katty Posted March 9, 2005 Posted March 9, 2005 OK I now believe that I have to be the most screwed up individual on the planet. Everyone is always bragging about how well I am doing and how easily I recovered from my breakup and the truth of the matter is I have not recovered. I am constantly faking it. I gave myself enough time to heal or so I thought before trying to date again and then made sure I took it slow. I didn't want to fall into a rebound r/s which would be easy to do after a breakup. Now here it is almost 5 months since I last spoke with my ex boyfriend and he still resurfaces in my mind every freakin day. I will admit that it has gotten better but now I have come to realize that I have not moved on. For those of you who are not familar with my breakup I want go into to much detail but only add that back in Aug. my bf of 2 years broke up with me on account of the distance, etc. but for some reason we were still telling each other we loved one another, etc. and then in October he announced to me that he had gotten engaged. To say the least I was devastated. Now jump to present day, please someone tell me why I am still constantly thinking of him and why I can't stop wondering if he got married, if he is happy, etc. Why should I even care? I totally believed that he was my soulmate and when we were together everything was great. He told me I was the perfect girlfriend even after he announced he was engaged. Why is all of this still bothering me and why does it still confuse me? Why do I wonder so much about his life. I am fortunate that we live 3 hours from each other and have no reason to run into each other or for that matter hear about the others life, etc. I just can't help but wonder if just maybe his engagement lasted, considering that he fell in love with me just as quickly and how easy it was for him to fall out of love with me. OK any advice would be appreciated. I could however do without the comments about feeling sorry for myself etc. because I feel as if I am putting on a good front for everyone but this place is where I come to seek guidance and feel as if I can let my guard down and express how I am really feeling. Thanks Kat
Mr Spock Posted March 9, 2005 Posted March 9, 2005 It is normal. Someone once told me it takes twice as long as the relationship lasted to fully recover from being dumped. It's the process of healing. It takes time. If you feel like crying and screaming, do it-don't hold back. Of course, that being said there is also something to "taking the high road" because what you'll remember years from now is not the relationship but how you acted during the break up. Which so far sounds pretty darn good. You are hurting, and the one person that can validate that isn't around to do it any more. Only thing I can suggest is time. And when you find yourself moping over it TELL your mind to snap out of it. Focus on something else until the feeling doesn't hurt as much. It will get better.
moimeme Posted March 9, 2005 Posted March 9, 2005 Now jump to present day, please someone tell me why I am still constantly thinking of him and why I can't stop wondering if he got married, if he is happy, etc. Why should I even care? I totally believed that he was my soulmate and when we were together everything was great. Part B answers part A. It's only been a couple months. Give it several more.
katty Posted March 9, 2005 Posted March 9, 2005 I appreciate the feedback. If anyone can answer this for me I would appreciatel it. Is it normal to still hope or pray that the dumper will call or come back. My friends felt as if I should have called him and told him how I really felt about the breakup and his engagement to another but the only thing I did was I wished him the best. I even received a phone call from the girl he is going to marry (she called from his cell phone) asking me if I had been with him, etc. I assured her she had nothing to worry about and I expressed to her that I wished them total happiness. Why did I say something I didn't really mean? I just wonder if I would feel better or if I would finally let go if I only knew that he was now married. I think that as much as it would hurt to know this I would finally come to terms with it and maybe move on. As for now I still find myself praying for his return. Is this not the craziest thing you ever read? I can't help but wonder if I ever cross his mind. After the breakup we got together that weekend and he just kept taking pictures of us. I just stay in a world of confusion and I am driving myself nutts with the not knowing his present relationship status. I realize it is none of my business and he has moved on but still I can't help but wonder how he could move on so easily and fast after the relationship we shared together. Thanks for all of the responses, I am just unable to sleep tonight and he is weighing heavy on my mind. Kat
sanne Posted March 9, 2005 Posted March 9, 2005 i think you won't truly get better until you meet someone new. you'll find someone who will be so much better than the man who left you, and believe me you will recover from all of this. do you really want to spend the rest of your life thinking about what can never be?
tokyo Posted March 9, 2005 Posted March 9, 2005 I think you had problems with moving on, because the time between him breaking up with you and the new engagement was so short that any person who does not have any screews lose must have doubt about themselves and the relationship. I think you should have told him long before how you felt about him, by now he probably has moved on. On the other hand though, he doesn't seem to be a very stable person to get engaged so quickly, so I do doubt that his marriage will last. I don't even think it will ever get to an engagement. If you want to sabotage his engagement then I'd recommend you, call him, profess his love to him. He of course will not break up the engagement immediately for you but will start to have serious doubts about his current girlfriend. Only when you are truly in love with someone (and not even then I may believe) will you be able to resist the love declaration of someone that you like. He broke up with you and he won't want to like a fool who doesn't know what he wants, he will also not want to jump when you want it to (maybe there is a bit of resentment on his part because you seemed to take the break up so easily, might have hurt his ego), but you have sown enough doubts to not make him want to commit to someone else fully and forever. The most important thing is to stay nice (I'd feel humiliated to run after a dumper, but that's just me). No harsh words, no reproaches. Tell him what you feel, apologize for not having told him before, explain your reasons for telling him now. Let him know it and I'm sure if he's one of those confused people he will start thinking about his engagement again. I think it's important that you let him know that you are willing to forgive him the engagement. When he seems to be interested in you again, ask yourself, is this man really worth it? Are confused guys worth it to run after them? Will they ever really appreciate you? I think what you need to do is to keep him a bit at a distance so that it's him who wants you, if he stops wanting you, he will start having doubt about the relationship, about life itself, he will start having anxities and worry about the responsibility in a marriage, etc. Keep them entertained with making you happy and you will have less to worry. Are you commitment phobic by the way? If you are, you will have a problem with this method, because in the end it will be you who has too much idle time for worrying. Good luck
Mr Spock Posted March 9, 2005 Posted March 9, 2005 I dunno.......would it make you feel worse or better if you DID tell him how devastated you were if he didn't really care? Or even worse, if he PITIED you. Ask yourself that before you give him a call.
tokyo Posted March 9, 2005 Posted March 9, 2005 He got engaged too early after the break up, he's running away from her. That guy is confused. Confused people don't really have time to pity anybody, because they are too occupied with their own problems. If they were less self-centered and had a little bit of self-awareness they would know that what they are doing is a simple avoiding and repressing of their emotions. I think that new relationship is also just a way of keeping himself entertained enough so he will not start questioning his decision and suffer doubts. I stick to my advice
Mr Spock Posted March 9, 2005 Posted March 9, 2005 Chances are, since there is distance involved, that he had this other relationship going at the same time. And that he only finally split with her when things were cemented. I think he knows what he wants, and it wasn't her-and that's NOT her fault-the original poster seems like a good person. I don't think he's confused. And I think professing your "love" for him will make you feel like an ass. Why not simply live well? Look GREAT. Find something to wear that makes you look stunning to that wedding, and have a hot date by that time. Revel in the fact that you are now free to find someone better.
tokyo Posted March 9, 2005 Posted March 9, 2005 I draw this from the fact that he said she was the perfecct girlfriend and that he was so eager to take so many pictures of her. If he really had this relationship going on at the same time he'd be know he was cheating and most people when caught in the act feel too embarrassed to face their partner in a decent way. Either they start attacking back and put the blame on the other person or they start avoiding contact at all and sometimes it's a mixture of both. People do know what is right and wrong and they do want to believe that they are a good person. That doesn't mean they do the right thing all the time, when get caught you get all possible funny reactions, because they do not want to face the truth, that what they did was hurtful, shameful and not the deed of a good person. It takes a lot of courage to face ones ugliness and to ask for forgiveness. He obviously doesn't feel guilty, so I assume that he started the relationship after the breakup.
Mr Spock Posted March 9, 2005 Posted March 9, 2005 I don't know Kooky, I just read it differently. He obviously doesn't feel guilty, so I assume that he started the relationship after the breakup See now that's because you've got a good heart. I don't think he did. ESPECIALLY because of the LDR factor. I think any guilt he had prompted him to tell her that she was the "perfect girlfriend". I think pondering about him hampers her healing. I don't think she should contact him, it is an obstacle on the road to "not giving a rat's ass" Haven't you seen ANYONE appealing to you, original poster? At all? Where are your girlfriends during all of this. Maybe it's time to let them know you're hurting so they can get you really drunk.
tokyo Posted March 9, 2005 Posted March 9, 2005 I think katty probably needs to give more information, because I also see your point Mr. Spock.
greenhorn Posted March 9, 2005 Posted March 9, 2005 I would definitely not suggest any sort of any contact with any damn DUMPER in this world. How can someone make you feel better when it was the same person who brought all this misery to you. Ti's same that you got burnt with fire and then telling the flame that 'look, I got burnt ' The only reason you should go to that fire again would be for dousing it. The person who dumps you has no pity,no feeling and no compassion for you.In the best (or worst) case if he shows some feelings,it would be PITY & COMPASSION and not love.Do you need pity ??? It's other thing that you have not fully recovered and it will take time/someone else to take you out of this misery.But going and talking to him IMHO will not do any good to you. My two cents...
sweet-oooh Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 GREENHORN..... i was just reading thru these and have kinda the same problem, but your advice just made me feel a whole lot better! You are so right, hope the others listen to you, cos i sure as hell aint gonna get crapped on anymore, you just stopped me from making a huge mistake. thanks x
greenhorn Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Originally posted by sweet-oooh GREENHORN..... i was just reading thru these and have kinda the same problem, but your advice just made me feel a whole lot better! You are so right, hope the others listen to you, cos i sure as hell aint gonna get crapped on anymore, you just stopped me from making a huge mistake. thanks x Yes Sweet-oooh I really feel what I have said and I hate any damn dumper in this world.There is no reason you should aggravate your misery, dont belittle yourself and those who don't learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat it. The accountability of your dignity,esteem and self-respect is only with *you*.
sweet-oooh Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Youre right, and even though i knew this all along, reading someone else saying it has really shook me into reality. damn i have been called a c**t, ugly, thick, fat lol im a size 10 ! but i have taken him back everytime! NO MORE!
katty Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 Thanks everyone for all of the advice. I have not made contact and because we live 3 hours apart I have no way of knowing what is going on with him. The post all have very good points, just as my friends have had good points. When I found out that he was engaged, my best friend thought he had told me this to see how I would react. Matter of fact the whole conversation with his new gf was really strange. She sounded alot like his sister. He also had heard me give advice several times to my friends about how sometimes you have to risk your pride and swallow your ego and just tell someone how you feel, but it is easy for me to tell someone else this and hard as he-- for me to do it. So I am left with all of these unanswered questions and still I wonder why it went so wrong. I guess a part of me wanted to believe that his announcement was a lie. I was the one in the beginning who wanted no commitments, etc. I fell in love and all of that changed. I can't help it I still believe he was my soulmate. I didn't contact him and now it has been over 4 months since his announcement so I guess it was true. Heck, as far as I know he could be married now. I have tried dating others but I also want to be careful because I once leaned on a guy right after a breakup from a guy that I was with for 7 years and it turned out to be a rebound r/s and I hurt someone else. I don't want to break anyones heart to heal my own. Thanks again everyone for your advice. I just can't call and find out what is going on. Maybe I could have one of you call him up for me. lol. It sucks to still have all of these feelings for someone and to have to come to the realization that he must have never loved me at all. I use to bend over backwards to feed his ego and make him feel secure with us because he was always saying stuff like.. everyone flirts with you Kat, I realize how lucky I am or stuff like I don't know how or why you chose me because you can have anyone you want but I am just so thankful. Oh well thanks everyone and any other advice would be appreciated. Kat
moon Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 I totally understand where you're coming from. It is painful getting over what you've been through. I had a similar thing, but my ex probably isn't in line for marriage anytime soon. I don't know if my ex is still with the girl who he departed with after me, but I am also really curious. I ask myself if it would be better knowing or not knowing. I was thinking about this recently and I realized I'd rather not know. I think sometime in the future I will know one way or the other what happend, but I don't really want to hear it from my ex. For you.....I don't know. Do you really want to know? Ask yourself that question. Besides there are easy ways to find out if somebody has gotten married or not. I believe marriage licenses are a matter of public record. Google him. Do a search. I am not saying you'll get anything from this, but maybe if you find out he's married it might give you that little nudge to say burn in hell. Anyway, there are ways to find out if somebody did or didn't get married. That's something they have to do with the government's approval. Put your detective hat on. But ask yourself if you really want to know first. I can't believe you had a civil talk with his bride to be and assured your you weren't with your ex. You must be in line for sainthood. If I were you I would focus as much as you can with putting this guy (as charming or sweet as he might have been at one time) out of your mind. Tell yourself you deserve better. Would you want to be the girl marrying this guy??? Ask yourself that. You still have a chance....a clean get away. Use it.
katty Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 Its quite funny that you replied to my post because I was just reading your earlier post and I was thinking OMG this girl is living my life. Believe it or not I am also facing similar rough patches in both my personal and financial life. As for researching it I have already checked into that and I can't find any record of his marriage. Also reading others post made me feel better because I was feeling quite stupid for feeling this way when it has been totally over since Oct. As for his gf I really amazed myself with how calm I was. It was just kind of a strange conversation because she seemed more interested in what my feelings were for him and if I would have married him, etc. I told her that he had me really fooled because he was always telling me how I was his soulmate and how we were meant to be together, etc. and she said I could see him saying that. She went on to tell me that he had never had anything but nice things to say about me, and at that point I could feel a large lump in my throat so I said something like well I'm glad that the two of you could sit back and laugh at me and she started reassuring me of how it wasn't like that and how he would never do that. I did ask her when they first started dating and the date she gave me was after we had broken up. It was almost as if she was being coached at what to say. Heck who knows. My best friend just had me really confused because she was telling me to call him and that she thought he had put someone up to calling me and that she didn't think he was engaged. I know I keep venting the same topic. I go around and around in a vicious circle. I know that finding out the truth of finding out he is married will only hurt me more but then another part things it would give me closure. I wouldn' t even know what to say if I did contact him. Its too risky because what if he really is happily involved then I will look pathetic. Any suggestions?
tokyo Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 You keep walking in circles. An answered question may give you hard facts and hard truth, but it's also the beginning of a new chapter, torturing yourself with all these doubts will not lead to anything and only prolong your pain. You either decide to move on without knowing (but I assume most people don't like unfinished businesses) or you ask him and get your answer. I'm not sure if I translate this very well, but they say: "It's better to have an ending with terror, than terror without ending." People in love are always fools so act on it and take the risk. If he laughs at you then you can move on without regret. I am very sure that he is not married.
greenhorn Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 What is this with you 'Katty' & 'Moon' ? What the hell will come out if you get the information that he is married or not married? Will you get him back or more importantly even if he comes back will you accept him? Forget about thim, post-mortem does not necessarily leads to results.Just move on with life and don't try to find answers.Time will give answers to all the questions. The more you put knife in your wound, the more would it hurt.For god sake allow the wound to heal.Don't always be 'task-oriented' but sometimes try to be 'result-oriented'.If you get positive and acceptable result then only you should pursue or else common sense tells not to invest in sinking ship. Well on a side note the only thing that a person always has with him is his/her education/career so I would suggest that never compromise on this for your 'SO'. They might desert you but your job and education will always be there to take care. P.S. i).I din't want to sound rude but even if I, then pls dont mind. ii). Kooky, please ignore the syntatical errors.
tokyo Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 Greenhorn, you seem to have a good day today, I'm impressed. (not by your spelling and grammatical errors though God, I love being a smartass ). A lot of things that you said are true, I liked what you said about career and education, and I wish I could be more "result-orientated" as you put it, but the situations are sometimes not so easy and telling katty & moon that all dumpers are bad and surely end in hell is maybe not the right thing for them. In your case, your ex-girlfriend was awful and yes, I definitely recommend you to move on. She's not worth it to go back. In other cases there might be a good reason why someone breaks up with his significant other, I'd understand it if someone gives up fighting for a relationship when your partner is abusing drugs and alcohol. There could be a lot of other reasons, who knows. Of course, we all pity the dumpees and feel bad for them, but we haven't been in a relationship with them and we don't know their partners. Sometimes it's worth it to sit down and think about one's own behavior and mistakes, about your partner and your relationship and if you then feel that the other person is worth the fight then you have to risk it. According to your logic nobody should ever be allowed to break up. That means the next girl that you date will be your partner for life. I hope you are ready for this.
greenhorn Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by kooky "result-orientated" WoooooooooHooooooooo..It is the first time that my Role Model has made spelling mistake . Now I can claim to be a fallible human too My logic does not say that nobody should be allowed to breakup but I am vehemently against cheating and dumping.Sorry, but I am not able to control myself at the sight of dumping and cheating. Yes the situations might be different but atleast I can wish that those who gave pain to 'Katty' and 'Moon' should get their comeuppance.My answer was not to hurt anyone.I owe a lot to LS'ers. On a lighter side, yeah I am ready to date a girl if only I get one
tokyo Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by greenhorn WoooooooooHooooooooo..It is the first time that my Role Model has made spelling mistake . Now I can claim to be a fallible human too orientate v : determine one's position with reference to another point [syn: orient] [ant: disorient] from dictionary.com And I know you are a fallible human, I see it every day. My logic does not say that nobody should be allowed to breakup but I am vehemently against cheating and dumping.Sorry, but I am not able to control myself at the sight of dumping and cheating. Yes the situations might be different but atleast I can wish that those who gave pain to 'Katty' and 'Moon' should get their comeuppance.My answer was not to hurt anyone.I owe a lot to LS'ers. On a lighter side, yeah I am ready to date a girl if only I get one Well, as far as I remember neither ex-partner did cheat, they left and obviously moved on very quickly.
greenhorn Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by kooky orientate v : determine one's position with reference to another point [syn: orient] [ant: disorient] from dictionary.com And I know you are a fallible human, I see it every day. Oops I am sorry. Kooky can never be wrong in English. Well, as far as I remember neither ex-partner did cheat, they left and obviously moved on very quickly. Sorry again, after all I am fallible human..
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