Dramatic beginning, exactly 33 months, Open Relationship involved

[FlatTree]

Guess I should have seen it coming but I didnt. Yesterday was two weeks since she broke it off and it's been 17 days since she left. It still feels pretty fresh.

 

The relationship began as suddenly and ill conceived as it's termination was. We had both been with our college sweethearts since school and she was then 28 and me 27. I was unemployed but not broke in Oregon and she was planing a big trip around the west coast and wanted me to be a segment of it. Long stroy short, we rekindled a fling we had in college and after much hesitation for most of the trip, made out furiously one night and decided to break up with our then partners ( college sweethearts) for eachother a few days later. We executed the painful breakups and I made plans to move from oregon to the northeast in about a months time.

 

The reason i bother to type all of that is because the way we began the relationship put so much pressure on us, to be right about our big breakups and prove to everyone we were right. This made our arguments and disagreements somehow a degree more desperate and at times ugly. We are both naturally stubborn, smart, willful people.

 

I dont know how to sum up the relationship quickly other then to list what each of our primary gripes would be. For her it would be, long time on and off smoker and she wouldnt tolerate it, not ambitious enough work wise, and doesnt value her (spending time on the computer, or faling asleep on the couch). All legitimate but to each I admit but also have a counter. Smoking i have little excuse other than that I think partners can support help with addictions without demanding things. She did catch me smoking twice, both times I thought she would break up with me and didn't. Work wise, I had worked the 40hr a week grind and it burned me out. Now I pay the bills, dont work as much, but havent gotten it all squared away to where I am putting away much money yet. And the not valuing her thing, I admit to some degree but one day a week on the couch doesnt seem that bad to me but she seems to have a selective memory as do we all i guess.

 

Anyway my complaints would be, not loving or compassionate enough, not funny, works too much, not fair to me (i always had a bad joke about being a second class citizan). What bonded us was living together in a small house that i mostly built with a lot of help from her dad (on her land which she walked out on), our sex life and physical attraction, and both usually being fairly low key people. Not tons in common deep down but on the surface a good amount. To any of my complaints, she would usally say something like, "thats just not me, i like who i am, why should i have to change when I like who I am."

 

I on the other hand when confronted with her complaints would usualy talk about compromise and moderation, to some degree realistically, and I admit now, to some degree I was doing lip service. Or just waiting for some impetus A part of me thought, "you know what, when you start being nice to me before work and after work, then i wont sneak drags of ciggeretes." I know that wasnt healthy for the relationship,but it would feel like my little declaration of freedom while that was being squeezed out at home.

 

There is one final complication. An open reationship, which i think she suggested though I certainly wasn't opposed to, i encouraged we do research together, we did, talked about it for a while, then I eventially ecouraged her to go after a guy we would do a buisness with a couple of times a year. Well you problably arent surprised at this point to read that this same guy a year and half later was right in the middle of everything for the breakup.

 

They banged and got along, maybe too well for my taste. I pulled back the reigns a bit and started trying to limet the quantity of times at some point that first summer as i didnt think she was soing a good enough job of coming home with a good attituude after. I eventually cut it off, and then felt bad and went back on it, saying ok just dont tell me. Then around last chrismass I asked if it was going on, and she said, "you said just dont tell you so i didnt. but we got in a fight recently and he wont apolagize so im over it anyway" and i said "good Im glad lets be done with that."

 

Should have ended the open relationship there most likely but it went on loosely with nothing happening beside her making out with two guys maybe 4 times total. But she ends up back doing a lot of buisness with this guy this summer. And she is pushing it and not giving me much a say, and right back to doing a work trade for him, which means over there a bunch doing domestic type stuff, like cooking and cleaning, hanging with his kids, all eathing dinner together. I keep on her about it kind of saying im uncomftable but she kind of makes it not my buisness and takes it out of my hands a bit. Around this time August into september, she is getting on me harder about not being availible, or her being lonely, or me being lazey. And i kinda sense everything and start buckling down, drinking less, haning with freinds less, sleeping in bed with her 13 out 14 ish ratio. I responded with reminding her, how much she is working, as well as spending a lot of her free time with this guy but she wouldnt really hear it. Saying, "well this NEEDS" to get fixed." (about needing to do the buisness) At some point during the summer also she prety much demanded to get to start ****ing the guy on one or two occasions both times i refused her. I even straight asked she stop doing buisness with him and we find someone else and she said no. That was maybe my first glimmer of realizing what was to come now in hind site.

 

Like i said I should have all seen it coming better but I had never had a reason not to trust her before and I was fooled into thinking she wasnt already on the way out the door. I was complacent, and sustainable and blind. During the last week or so we hardley fougt, maybe just a few tense moments, i went to poker after my job one night while she was working without texting her and she was bent about that though I came home. Then while I work Friday and Saturday, she spends both nights with him one night doing the work trade, the next watching TV. I get cranky to her that they are watching TV together. We have sex saturday night, sunday she goes to work early. When she comes home she is ticked that i had fallen asleep reading on the couch (on my day off) and i sense somethings weird with her so I get up and start making some food. She starts cleaning the fridge out restlessly. Durring this time her phone goes off and I seeing its the guy, say "what do you think ###### would be texting you about" "i dunno" real curt. I say, "no seroulsy just what would you guess." Reply "I dunno......maybe thanking me for brining him a sandwhich." And I go what the ****?" Now your brining him food and not me. What the **** is up with you? . she defends herself but kinda curtly and after a few minutes says, you know what ive been thinking about this all morning and I need a break.

 

I was still kinda blind and was like confused about how little of a thing set it off but said ok, 2 weeks it is. Ever confident, o she'll be back. She packs in about 5 minutes and is gone. Next day we talk on the phone doesnt go great. I text her that evening "Im gonna text the other guy and tell him to back off". Instead of saying please leave him out of it, or dont involve him, she says "i would advise against that, that would make you look weak" And i fall right into the trap, take the challenge ask him to "respectfully back off if he would though i know he can do whatever he wants". I find out much later he pretty much calls her right then, and she is over his house late that night telling each other they have feelings for each other and him telling her she should be single. Later when I find out about this it sets me in a rage leading to to an angry night of texting completely in the face of the No Contact rule. Next day after that text and them seeing each other about it she comes over to see me, breaks it off. Says its over, grabs more stuff.

 

We know to try to keep our distance but I keep relapsing into contact, and she keeps being inconsiderate with keeping the schedule we make for her to come get her stuff so we keep slipping into contact and arguments. Ive been more guilty though her not perfect. I usually have been going 2 good days, then a bad one where I slip. For example she intruded on sunday by suddenly stopping by to get stuff. I wasnt happy about it but we talked and aired grivences and I did feel better after. I was glad she was driving away and felt ok. We agreed not to talk for a while. Then monday night im a wreck, regressing about a week it felt like, waking up thinking about her a bunch, imagining her coming in the door when the wind was blowing, just being lame and going against what i know will help. So it started me off bad and was just having a weak tuesday and then late last night (Tuesday) broke down and texted her.

 

I asked for a letter of her just breaking my heart and crushing me and tearing us apart claiming i was still too much in denial and i hadent even cried enough. She replied that i thought we were going to wait two weeks for contact and that she didnt wanna say more mean things to me but that she would write me a letter. I sent her another long text justifying myself. She said this is crazy stop and i had to get the last word, me saying, stop replying then, just write me the mean letter, i dont care if i have to wait though i am impatient. Today I think I figured out I want the letter but I might never read it. I just wanna pick it up every time I miss her or wanna talk to her, imagine what it will say, and put it back away unopened.

 

So yep, its been about every 3 days that i go and do something dumb. First in shock and denial, then thinking i could get her back, then in rage after finding they met after i sent that text asking them not to that same night, now just missing her and looking for more mental fuel to help me move on.

 

Funny part is if you had asked me if I had wanted it like this at certain points I might have said yes, a clean break, i get to still live here, no one telling me what to do or scolding me or trying to make me feel bad. But to have your hand forced is a whole nother story. Particulary with another guy involved, who I initialy suggested they ****. Yah messy. And I know it shouldn't be, I know when I'm doing better it wont feel messy, it will just feel OVER. So in my best moments i am doing a great job of focusing. At my worst I am still grasping at the way it went down, lack of companionship, and sudden transition in life.Stuck kinda wondering when was the exact moment, when did i lose her, when did she decide she would break our commitment, in general and the commitment to the spirit of the open relationship. But i know theres no point because she probably doesn't even have those answers.

 

I'm writing here because I have seen the good advice I hear everywhere of No Contact articulated very well here and feel like it will be a good place to get good advice to remain on that path. Also I am just looking for a place to vent and possibly relate to people as a healthier way to deal with loneliness than potential slip ups in morale and execution of a good breakup on my end.

 

So if you read that all thank you. I already feel a bit better getting it out there, and even better still if anyone reads it. No Contact! I need another book to read. Gotta come up with ways to occupy the mind.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

My poor fellow, you have been backburnered I tell you!

To a woman who wants her cake and to eat it too.

Never have an open relationship with someone you care deeply for,

as feelings arise during sex, and decisions will be poor.

 

If you want her all to yourself, you must put your foot down and stand with conviction,

Otherwise she will continue to string you along like an addiction.

Should you try to break the cycle, you might break your heart,

But I think it's necessary for a new start.

[ktya]

For her it would be, long time on and off smoker and she wouldnt tolerate it, not ambitious enough work wise, and doesnt value her (spending time on the computer, or faling asleep on the couch).

 

Anyway my complaints would be, not loving or compassionate enough, not funny, works too much, not fair to me (i always had a bad joke about being a second class citizan). What bonded us was living together in a small house that i mostly built with a lot of help from her dad (on her land which she walked out on), our sex life and physical attraction, and both usually being fairly low key people. Not tons in common deep down but on the surface a good amount. To any of my complaints, she would usally say something like, "thats just not me, i like who i am, why should i have to change when I like who I am."

 

I on the other hand when confronted with her complaints would usualy talk about compromise and moderation, to some degree realistically, and I admit now, to some degree I was doing lip service. Or just waiting for some impetus A part of me thought, "you know what, when you start being nice to me before work and after work, then i wont sneak drags of ciggeretes." I know that wasnt healthy for the relationship,but it would feel like my little declaration of freedom while that was being squeezed out at home.

 

To be honest this girl seems like she's pretty self centered. She seems to have a littany of gripes about you, what you do and how you do it but when you bring up your own issues she discounts it that she's just perfect the way she is and why should she have to change, why should she compromise.

 

She proposed the open relationship which while I have nothing against open relationships it is a very odd proposal to make after you moved halfway across hells half acre to move in with her.

 

Open relationships are very complex creatures where you need to lay down ground rules and have the utmost of respect for your partner's wishes - something she didn't seem to really have. Usually there is a primary partner and a secondary partner(s) and there are serious ground rules for the secondary partner such as how far it can go, how often the contact is and whether its just for sex or if romance is allowed to be involved. With you two living together it would make no sense for you to be the secondary partner. Typically sitting down and having family dinner with the guy's kids would be absolutely off limits.

 

The other type of open relationship, straight up polyamory where you can get into multiple love relationships are pretty rare and requires both partners to be absolutely cool with that; although I dont think most people who do that actually live together.

 

Her increasing the frequency of contact with the other guy and ignoring your requests to cut the cord, along with what appears to be a rather self-centered my way or the highway attitude means that this relationship probably would never work out because you would have been doormatted one way or another.

 

Luckily you were in the open relationship because this type of woman likely would have cheated on you anyway, your relationship reminds me of my ex-fiancee. You have a problem and look for compromise and she just does and takes what she wants. She has a problem and you had better change your ways. The woman has the gall to be on your case about having a cigarette while she's leaving you with barely any of her time yet has time to do sit down family dinners with this other guy that you helped her find. She puts you down and says you have no drive to make enough money for her.

 

This time probably sucks for you. But try to keep in mind that this is probably really for the best because you likely would have just been made miserable over the long haul. With my ex fiancee who was a lot like this girl, I spent practically the whole last year bending over backwards trying to "change" my ways that made her unhappy so she could be happy. It was torture, the more stuff I changed the more she wanted me to change and she never ended up being happy or even giving me an iota of credit. Turned out she was cheating on me again, when I found out and was going to beat the guy senseless she packed up at 5:30am with a note. She left me to protect him. Guess I was only good when I was a doormat to her.

[tobrieornottobrie]

Have you considered maybe seeing a counselor, FlatTree? Talking through this situation with a person may be helpful, even if it was a trusted family member? That's such a tough situation to be in and I'm sorry that you're hurting so badly. I hope it all works out for the best.

 

~ for the love of food ~

[FlatTree]

Thanks for there reply's folks.

 

I've been feeling really good the last two days. I feel like I've finnaly got over the hump of wanting anything to do with her in a way. I'm still tricked into remembering certain things but just keep reminding myself "it's all about you nothing is about her, she is nothing, she doesn't exist" and while the end of that sounds extreme it seems like an extreme mantra is needed to fight extreme feelings.

 

Yesterday I did a complet purge of the place, and threw everything left of hers under a sheet in a corner. Spruced up a bit, made the place mine in some small ways. Overal nice productive actions which have a payoff every time I walk in or look around.

 

As per the responses.

 

While I spoke kinda simple about the option relationship thing I'm aware of all the nuance with Polly and the various permiations. Bottom line with us is the communication and honesty seemed to be there, and that's what we always talked about, but obviously it wasn't at a certain depth. She problably justifies it with hating me for smoking or some other **** but it is what it is in the end and I think I'm getting more ok with it.

 

Thanks for hearing me out on what I felt were some of the big injustices towards the end. You can only blab to your freinds so much, and she certainly didn't want to hear any of it in my way, and I'm past wanting to tell her anything now, and even getting past really caring about all the bull**** she did towards the end. It's really nice to be heard but something about writing it all down and some of the work I've done subsequently has got me kinda checked out to the point where I don't even wanna re read my story again. It's like "blah blah she ****ed me over...blah blah she thought she was justified...blah blah it's over" at least that's how I feel tonight.

 

Topics of Breakup Recovery Guide

 

This site has been great. Part of which has given me a real boost since I was texting on Tuesday. I can say for sure at this point next time we talk will be her.

 

As per the counseling. I certainly thought about it and have/ am kinda keeping the door open. I'll see if I kinda relaps again soon but I feel like I'm over the hump. I kinda think I'm to terms with anything a counsler would tell me. Yet to see really though.

 

I was unhappy enough in the relationship where I feel like once I'm on the other side of the hump, whether now or in the future, things will get pretty ok pretty quick. I just have to keep a cool head and not start sporting a smirk if that's the case if/when I have to deal with her because we still have tons of money, life, bargaining stuff to do.

[Chi townD]

Swinging and open relationships are just so stupid. It's usually a last ditch effort into trying to save a dying relationship.

 

 

One thing about women, they have a harder time disconnecting emotional attachment from sex. They sleep with someone, and they usually look for a connection that's deeper than the physical.

 

 

So, didn't shock me that she left you for this douche rocket. But, I have a feeling she's got you wrapped around her little finger and SHE KNOWS SHE DOES! I bet dollars to donuts that if she texted you right now, you would be ALL OVER THAT!

 

 

You wouldn't be able to ignore it. And she knows it too. So, you have to be stronger than that. She's going to pull on the leash to see if the dog is still there. Don't be there. DO not answer any texts or emails. Let all calls go to voicemail. Take a deep breath an post about it here instead. DO NOT CONTACT HER! Look into if you can legally change the locks on the place. Take to the landlord or whoever and explain that your girlfriend moved out and you'll pay for the locks being changed. She made a choice and she chose the asshat over you. Therefore, she doesn't get access to your life. She threw that right away.

 

 

Another important thing for you to do, BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK!!! Sooner or later, she'll realize that you aren't responding to her and that's going to get her mad. So, she'll start posting pics of her and new guy to piss you off, pics of her kissing new guy and saying loving and sexy things in her status updates to hurt you and piss you off until you call her to bitch her out. BAM! She wins! She probably doesn't want you bitchin her out but at least she got you talking to her again. SO, block her on Facebook so you don't see that crap and unfollow her on all social media.

[FlatTree]

Thanks for the feedback.

 

While I am in no position to disagree and wont even make a point of it i still dont think open relationships are void of value. If two people really know and love eachother and make that decision together im sure it can and has worked. In my case we were kidding ourselves a bit. We acted on the surface like that was true but in the end she wanted me to be some variation of a pussywhiped work slave and i wated her to be a loving intelectual, or even to have a thing or two in common with me wouldhave been a start. But alas, we instead just bonded on sex and our tied together life and acted like that carried more weight.

 

I hopefully can aprreciate you aggressive chiding as an intention to keep my head in the right place which is how I take it. I do disagree with you though. I wouldnt take her back and I wouldnt pick up her call. She's not the one for me in so many ways and right now all I really want is to not get screwed out of a bunch of joint equity.

 

Not to say im completly over it or really over it at all. I have my head in the right place but on my 15 minute drive to work today challenged myself to try to not think of her or us but if I did to just try to gently guide my thought somewhere else and take note of it. Well I think I got to about 18 times. A bit lame but in the end just noticing it and trying to own it made it feel like it would be the base for progress, and that tomrrow I can do 15 and so on.

 

facebook thing is done as of wed. defreinded and deleted her and the other guys numbers from my phone. Like i said above i was pretty much falling back into contact with her about every three days untill last tuesday after which I really owned it and decided it had to stop. This sunday will be three weeks from when she left. The way I figure by novmber I'll be feeling pretty normal and by the new year maybe over it to where i could deal with being around her in a social setting like at the same party or something. who knows though?

Edited October 11, 2014 by FlatTree

[FlatTree]

Things have have been going good. I have been thinking about her less and less though of course memories are still popping up. I have stuck with the no contact thing well. It is helping. I do have my setback popping up once every few days but that's expected.

 

One of the worst things for me in thhis in terms of the No Contact is that the guy lives right on the one road i have to drive almost every day. So i get to see her car there, and he even came into the coffeshop i was hanging out in this morning and bought a drink for her right down the road where she was certainly watching his kids. Stuff like this is inevitable but it alwasy just puts me in a worse mood than i was ust before. Thats why im on here venting. I guess even though it hurts every time i see her over there it will have to get more normal and more normal untill it doesnt bother me. We will see how long that takes. Just yesterday I was talking to my buddy about how i wanted to call this guy a piece of crap to his face when I bump into him. He gave me good advice and said, "naw man, be bigger, be better, your better off without her, shes his problem now, you should be thianking him" and while im not ready for that it is intreasting that the very next day i bumoed into him and sucesfully fought the urge to say anything. Just gave him a look.

 

I have a date most likely with a girl i met online later in the week. It's been three weeks since and I'm ready to start at least meeting new people. I just have to walk the line carfully in terms of begin honest about the breakup but not really focussing on it. Anyone have any experience or advice they can offer as to walking that line?

 

hmm what else. ive been talking to her in my head less, which is one of the worst bad habbits i have been getting stuck with. I tend to do this in general, have simulated conversations in my head and at first it's all I could do and that kept spilling out into texts or phone calls. Now i am activley fighting against that convo in my head, trying to remeind myself "there is nothing left to say to her and she has nothing to say to you."

 

thanks for hearing me vent. this site has given me a nice posotive way to deal with my emotions.

[FlatTree]

I'm glad that days over. Ran into the guy, then my motercyle broke while I was trying to go to Napa to fix my car. Then to top it off while I'm sitting in the yard sulking she and the new guy show up on the property to go drop some stuff off up the road up the hill. Tripple whamy of crotch kicks in one day. Worst thing with all the car troubles too is the new guy was our mechanic so now I'm a little stuck untill I get in with a new one. One day at a time, one problem at a time.

[Chi townD]

She's got some balls! Showing up at your place with the new guy. I hope you told her to get the hell out of there!

[FlatTree]

We didn't have to talk. They were driving in his truck brining building materials up to another building on her property. I've felt much better since two days ago. It's amazing how those low points build strength the next day/ or whatever period after.

 

I woke up today and it seemed clear. She picked him. That's ok. Let em have eachother. You can't make someone love you. I just gotta keep on me so that i have all my affairs in order and be ready to move out of this house if I need to. Keep the no contact, enjoy life. Simple right

[FlatTree]

First real test of NC yesterday. She called me and left what was obviously a 90 secondish voicemail. I sucessfully didnt pick up the phone, and then immidiately called a few people close to me to see which one was availible and could call her. Luckily it was the guy who was best for the job, a fairly smart, not passive guy 12 years older than me. He took car of it, and while my mind raced in the classic, naive way which so many thread titles resemble here (why is my ex contacting me) and I got a bit of adreninline rush, I knew almost immidiately I made the right choice even though it was still affecting me. Eventialuy after a few minutes i convinced myself "its all about money or her stuff, you know that."

 

and it was. she is after me for money. i owe her maybe a grand technicly, and she said she was going to give me alittle time, and im working on getting it paid back before th end of the month, but she was crying to my freind on the phone about it. litteraly in tears. And calling me out for "not being mature enough to talk." Thats when he kinda flipped out on her and put her in her place. Not bad but he just told her back off, you'll get your money, give the guy some space, in a protective big brotherly kind of way. I knew these interactions would be inevitable but it feels good to kind of own it, defer, and not e the one crying.

 

the funny thing about her going off about a grand is I have somewhere between 4 grand and 8 grand of equity I put in her property. Also my sister just spent about 3 grand buiding a cabin on it. We ere just talking yesterday about how we both felt duped by her, should be obvious in my case, but it was nice to relate to my sister on it. My freind told me I should pay up, move out asap, then send her a bill for my best estimation of all the equity. Tough to say how its all gonna go, and while the land is hers, i feel like im in a good solid position, I live here currently, im not being shifty or decietful, im just going to refuse to engage her no matter how much she doesnt like it.

[FlatTree]

Damnit. Just had NC ripped away by her. Saw her in a store, tried to just nod and get out. She pretty much chased me out. I tried to keep it to nothing but she was stermined to get contact going to figure out money stuff. I just kept saying let's work through someone else and shee kept refusing. So we got into it a little bit but she didnt have her computer with her and so she kept pushing for some other meeting. I tried every way I could think of to get out of it but realized she's just not gonna have it and that i'm gonna hafta freaking sit down with her to negotiate some stuff.

 

Sucks. I know there are exceptions to No Contact where you just have to deal with the other person but I was hoping that wouldnt be the case. On with the process I suppose.

[FlatTree]

While i have done well this last week i definitly got ahead of myseelf in a way yesterday and kind of felt the crash last night. I'm posting now because I need to get some feelings out.

 

So last thursday after she chased me down in that store i realized i had to talk to her face to face, she was forcing it, and would essentially kick me off her land which she moved off if I wouldnt. So rather than delay and dread it I set it up for that afternoon, last thursday.

 

The money and logistic talk went well but then we got dragged into hashing out the relationship, and while problably not productive for me we left it in a decent place, not angry, not sentimental, we both just kind of walked away. Afterwords I felt good.

 

The next morning I opened a letter she gave me (problably a mistake). It was honest and fair and realistic except she minimized the roll of the other guy, not activley, but just by only mentioning about one sentance about it.

 

Then I went away for the weekend and found myself in the car, calling her to set the record straight about that (another mistake). Again that went well, too well, so then I spent my whole weekend in the car thinking about it, focusing on a few breadcrumbs she left out there. I was being torturous to myself. Weekend was fine besides that.

 

Got back home and jumped right into a 60 hour work week and made tons of cash. Again very productive and felt myself progressing. At the end of the week she texts , "wondering about mail this week hope you are having a good week" I wait a few hours and reply, "going away for the weekend. I will take care of that that and some other things of yours ($ and belongings) when back sun or mon".

 

I felt like that was the right thing to do and got no reply. Yesterday I went and played a sports tourney and the weather was beautiful. I was playing great and just feeling so on top of the world. 3/4 the way through I was in the lead and proceded to choke away a decent lead and lose by 1. Was tough to swallow. Then went to a gig playing music and while we got paid, it wasnt organized perfect (not our fault) and didnt go super well.

 

As i drove home I just felt so bad. Tons of rage and hatred just came dwelling back up like I was only a week out. I just thought nothing but bad rageful feelings, and couldnt even get any productive thought pattern started at all. Got home and stayed up pissed off for a whiile then went to bed, and then (Of course! wtf) had a sex dream about her, we were both naked and I initiated and she was into it, but after we went out for a meal and she was making it known we weren't together again. Thats about where I woke up. The symbolism is pretty obvious.

 

Now I have my first day off in forever and am just feeling aimless, unmotivated and kind of empty. Already texted her this morning asking where I should drop stuff off. Kinda necessary cause I said I would but still felt like I was succombing. Going to go hang with a freind in a bit and get out of the house.

 

Thanks if anyone reads this and feels for me. It was crazy how fast I went from feeling perfect, golden and amazing, down the tunnel to despair and rage. I guess thats exactly what some stuff I have read has talked about but the tournament, weird gig, and long dark drive home really hit me with it. Its one thing to read something and another to feel it.

 

Till Next Time