JPE Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 I'm not sure if I have enough data to confront my husband about infidelity. Everything I've read says to wait until you are certain. I feel like my "evidence" is circumstantial. I have been quietly watching for a few months but still haven't confirmed anything. So here's what first made me question. I started getting suspicious when my car steering wheel kept getting readjusted. I came home late one night and made sure the wheel was up and by the next morning it was dropped lower where he prefers it. He didn't use the car while I was awake. I can't imagine anyone having the nerve to leave the house in the middle of the night, though. And why take my car? So after that I snooped a bit. I found KY in his briefcase but that was sitting by his spot on the couch, thought he might be um pleasing himself, that's fine, I'm not judging. He had lost his job so briefcase wasn't being used daily. A friend said she saw him at a stoplight with a woman in the car, I figure it's possible she might be wrong. I'm afraid to confirm with her because I don't want to alert our friends. I checked his phone history and there were a few porn sites which I hate, but there was also a dating site, something called freelifetimef***book.com (fill in the blanks). Not sure if it was a popup from the porn sites or if he accessed it. He isn't very phone savvy and really doesn't use it to surf the net. Nothing new has shown up in the web history in a few months. There's a yahoo email account that he never mentioned and I can't access, but he likes to chat sports so maybe it's for that. There's another user login on his computer which I found the PW to and it's completely clean, no saved history, no faves, totally bare. I've seen that it has been logged into at times. He's a programmer and he would know if I installed anything like a keylogger. Also, one night he came home with condoms which I found unloading groceries. He said he had "plans," I assumed us but I guess not. We use condoms once or twice a year and already had some. I watched the new box in his drawer and it eventually disappeared along with a few others that were there. A "toy" of his disappeared from the drawer too but it was broken so maybe he tossed it, I don't know... I know he's got $200 in the drawer and I asked for cash one day and he looked right in the drawer and said no he didn't have any. Thoughts? Should I confront or keep watching. My steering wheel hasn't moved lately and he did get a new job. Am I nuts or is there enough here? I can come up with an excuse for everything. I want to question him but don't want to get lies from him. My dad was a cheater so perhaps I'm overly suspicious. Thanks for your input.
Man Mountain Makino Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Shady stuff, but nothing I'd say is outright daming and conclusive. But enough is there to step up your investigation. If he takes out your car at night when you're asleep, check the mileage every day and see if there is consistency. So if there's an additional 20 miles on the car in the morning, that means his destination was likely 10 miles away. See if that's consistent. Consider a voice recorder to hide in your car. See what conversations are going on in your car. That should tell you whether to dig deeper or not. 2
Davey L Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Suspicious enough to do a bit more investigation I think but not enough to confront. Everything so far could have a feasible innocent explanation although collectively it adds up to very suspicious.
RightThere Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Something is definitely up. He's obviously taking your car out at night and using a box of condoms for "something." Don't ignore your suspicions. Can't say for sure what is going on, but for sure SOMETHING is going on.
oldshirt Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 If this were 'Law and Order' this would be enough probably cause to get a search warrant and go through everything looking for a smoking gun with bloody fingerprints on it. I agree with the others that you need to step up your investigation to include a voice activated recorder stashed in your car and any other place that he may be having a secret conversation. I would include some kind of GPS tracker with that in the car. I don't know all the phone technology but some people even talk about putting some kind of GPS tracking programs on phones that will show you where he is. I would also step up looking for things in the house and in his belongings. Go through drawers, cabinets, desks and all through the house. see if you come across a another phone or another stash of condoms or toys etc Go through phone bills for calls or txts at 2 in the morning to a number you don't know (be aware that it could even be one of your close friends. Most affairs are actually friends, neighbors or coworkers rather than some mysterious lingerie model from the Champange Room at some exotic club.) start going through bank accounts and statements looking for motels, jewelry and gifts you have never received etc. And pay particular attention to any change in personal habits or how he interacts with you. Have you had a change in your sexlife at home lately? Has he suddenly changed his eating and exercise habits and is focused on losing weight or updating his wardrobe and styling habits. Has he recently got contacts or changed the style of his glasses? You mentioned he had an umemployed period, did he still go out and get an expensive gym membership and was hitting the gym 5 days a week even though he didn't have a job? Has your sexlife tanked over the last several months or so? Has he had a noticeable reduction in his interest in sex with you? Has he had some occasions of ED that has never had before? Does he seem to treat you a little more coldly and disrespectfully lately? Is he more irritable and easily annoyed? Has the opposite occurred? Has he suddenly become MORE sexual and more sexually charged? Has he tried some new tricks in bed he's never done before? Has he been showing you any new tricks or techniques he was you to do to him? Has he suddenly been noticeably MORE attentive and loving towards you lately? You have enough here to warrant a very mindful, intentional and focused search to look for more evidence and an eventual smoking gun. I highly urge the voice activated recorder and GPS tracker. Many cheaters will talk with their AP in the car. If you can install a keylogger program onto the computer(s) that will also give you your smoking gun. 3
Davey L Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Regarding the comments about the condoms - there are possible semi-legitimate reasons. I have bought them before for my daughter and she didn't want her mother to know. She was an adult by then but a bit embarrassed to buy them or have her mother know. I'd have struggled to talk my way out of it if my wife had seen them without betraying daughter's confidence.
Friskyone4u Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Your best bet is a VAR in the car. If he is having affair he will definitely talk to her while in the car where he thinks he is totally safe from you finding out. The techies will tell you what to get and how to use it. One word of caution. Be prepared to hear something very hurtful. The VAR will not censor what he says or what you hear and it could be graphic. But it is your best bet
tobrieornottobrie Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 JPE, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this, it's so hard when you feel like you can't trust your husband. Have you ever suspected him of having an affair in the past? Have you guys been having intimacy issues lately? Have you been arguing more than normal? Have there been financial issues due to his time being laid off of work? ~ for the love of food ~
BetrayedH Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 In my opinion, no you don't have enough. My point of view is that confrontations are pointless. The best confrontation is done with divorce papers. You don't need to prove to him that he's cheating. You only need to prove it to yourself. And you need to be sure enough that you'll be confident about a divorce (and for the rest of your days). When confronted, your H will do like every other wayward: lie, deny, minimize, gaslight, and lie some more. If you get any truth from him, it will only be what you already know (and maybe one bit more to make you think you know it all). That's common enough to be known as "Trickle Truth" because what truth you get comes in a trickle. Play stupid and compliant. Keep digging. When you have enough evidence that you know he's a cheater, hit him with divorce papers. If he shows remorse that's sufficient for you, then you can always halt the proceedings. If not, you'll be on the way to the divorce you need. I also agree with those that recommend a voice activated recorder (velcro under the steering column) and a GPS. 4
BetrayedH Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 None of it adds up to a smoking gun. He can (and will) spin it all with some half- cocked "sounds reasonable" explanation and then where will you be? As soon as you're apart from each other, he'll be deleting all of the evidence. You've got one shot at this. Don't waste it on what will amount to a completely unsatisfying confrontation. Be patient. Get your proof. 1
ComingInHot Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 BetrayedH is right. hunker down and keep quiet and calm and keep digging and collecting so when you do confront him when he lies and denies you will know. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this* 2
beatcuff Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 ... I came home late one night and made sure the wheel was up and by the next morning it was dropped lower where he prefers it. He didn't use the car while I was awake. I can't imagine anyone having the nerve to leave the house in the middle of the night, though. And why take my car? anyone else confused on how someone can take a car without her/others knowing....... how about writing down the mileage? 1
cozycottagelg Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Some people need to SEE proof their spouse can't talk their way out of, you seem to fit that category, and that's OK! I think a VAR is a great idea and don't say anything to him until you have the proof you need. If you don't notice anything weird on his phone records, I fear he isn't using it and perhaps a VAR wouldn't be helpful... but it's a good start for sure.
Author JPE Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 So yeah the cyber sleuthing didn't go as well as I hoped last night. I tried the Forgot your Password on the new yahoo account. The email account that I thought would receive the Forget email that I would be able to intercept is not the one he used. It was an older email. I click a button and all of a sudden it says an password email has been sent to the older account. So I try to access the old account and it asks me to answer a question that I answered wrong once and then I googled the answer but when I typed it, I got a message saying the account was locked for 12 hours. After that I realize that now yahoo is auto-filing the old email address in the box when I click on the mail button which would have definitely alerted him. I thought I was going to pass out. I ended up using the delete history so hopefully he won't notice. I think I'm going to buy a var and drop the email account digging for now... Too much possibility for getting caught.
Arieswoman Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 JPE, First of all let me say that I am very sorry you are in this situation. I know what it is like to live with suspicion, and it's not a nice place to be. But, like other posters, I find this decidedly odd, So here's what first made me question. I started getting suspicious when my car steering wheel kept getting readjusted. I came home late one night and made sure the wheel was up and by the next morning it was dropped lower where he prefers it. He didn't use the car while I was awake. I can't imagine anyone having the nerve to leave the house in the middle of the night, though. And why take my car? Do you either sleep very heavily or take sleeping pills? Because I can't see any other way he could sneak out in your car without you being aware. Have you ever thought he might be hiding something that he doesn't want anyone to see - like drugs - in/under the dashboard, and he needs to move the steering wheel to access them? I would make a note of the mileage before you leave the car and see if it's changed in the morning. Also, keep a note of anything else you think suspicious, no matter how silly it seems. Let us know how you get on. Good luck x
velvette Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Sneaking out of the house after bedtime in your car is very brazen and to me downright creepy. I would have to keep in the back of my mind something even more sinister/illegal than cheating. That being said, as brazen as it is, there may be a reason. If his A was happening at the old job only on work time, that may be the only time he could see her. Or possibly he drove somewhere to talk to her on the phone thinking he could come up with an excuse for being out driving better than getting caught on the phone in the middle of the night. Could also have something to do with him losing his job. Anyway to find out more info on that. If you follow that logic and the A is ongoing, he's leaving and coming home at normal times, he may be meeting her at lunch. Is there a way you could follow him there or get the help of a family member to do so. A PI may be your best bet. I would also record the serial numbers on the money to find out how much hes spending and replenishing that stash. 1
TrustedthenBusted Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Just be prepared. Even when you KNOW what he's doing ( and let's face it...you know what he's doing ) finding out for sure is still going to hurt like hell.
jackslife Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I'm going to agree with other posters and say nothing proven here. But saying that I wouldn't bet my mortgage on him being innocent. In black and white you have: Late night trip outs in car Condoms Locked new email account Hearsay evidence of sights of H in car In my opinion. He's cheating. I think you should gather evidence, but expect the worse. Instinctively you know something is not right here. Worth baring in mind that the death of his father could have been a trigger for an affair. Visions of own mortality and all that...
TrustedthenBusted Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I disagree with almost everyone. I'd be all over him with the evidence you have now, and just get the misery started. Playing 007 is no way to live. Confront him with what you have. If he gets super defensive and starts accusing YOU of snooping, you have all the answer you ever need. Hell, I think you have it already. I'd slide a laptop in front of him and say " Log into this email account right now. " 2
velvette Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Just be prepared. Even when you KNOW what he's doing ( and let's face it...you know what he's doing ) finding out for sure is still going to hurt like hell. Also, be prepared that even if you get a pic of him locking lips with someone outside a hotel he will lie and come up with some BS story. We had a seminar there, she was crying because her grandmother died, I was just comforting her and before I knew it she kissed me, for example.
velvette Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I disagree with almost everyone. I'd be all over him with the evidence you have now, and just get the misery started. Playing 007 is no way to live. Confront him with what you have. If he gets super defensive and starts accusing YOU of snooping, you have all the answer you ever need. Hell, I think you have it already. I'd slide a laptop in front of him and say " Log into this email account right now. " I agree in my circumstances I would, but I don't know the OP's circumstances. Depends her financial situation imo. Proof of cheating doesn't have much impact in US courts on a divorce settlement, but it can be a very useful negotiating tool before you go to court if the guilty party wants to keep it quiet. If I were concerned about a financial settlement, and I assume with kids she is, I would consult an attorney first. In fact, she should consult one now imo just so she is lined up to go when she is ready to pull the trigger. 1
flowergirl14 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 One idea would be to set him up. Let him know your going out of town for a night. Leave the kids with a friend. Make sure he knows you'll be gone "out of town." Instead get a room down the street and go back to your house at night and see if you can confront him and maybe someone else?
Author JPE Posted October 10, 2014 Author Posted October 10, 2014 Thanks again for the input everyone. Since it was asked... I am a deep sleeper. We used to live in a city so we have a noise maker. He snores sometimes too so I use earplugs too. And then there's the pillow I put over my head. So yeah, I don't hear much. Now that I've been on the alert, I haven't been doing all that. One night before I started watching him closely I he offered me a Xanax at bedtime which makes me sleepy and I took it. Next time he offered I just pretended to take it. I searched the car yesterday, around the steering wheel, spare tire, etc. didn't find anything. I work from home so in theory I could probably go watch his car at lunch. I had thought about leaving town and watching his iPhone movement but now I can't do that with the email alerts being sent. I've been thinking about asking my friend about the person she saw in the car with him. Would give me easier info than watching and waiting. But our husbands are friends... And I'm worried about them finding out right now since he's a coach for their kids. I don't really know what I might uncover and I kinda don't want her constantly asking me about stuff. Thoughts?
HereNorThere Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 (edited) Depending on how committed you are to this, you could easily go buy a burner phone with a data plan or a GPS tracking device and put it in the car. Buy a simple pre-paid phone with data, install a gps location app, make sure it's on silent and hide it in the back of the car. "Accidentally" leave your own phone in there on silent, hidden and track it from your computer. A simple google search shows you can get a gps tracker for 100 bucks, give or take. Phone and financial records, friends, family.. You have resources so use them! Edited October 10, 2014 by HereNorThere 1
velvette Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 I've been thinking about asking my friend about the person she saw in the car with him. Would give me easier info than watching and waiting. But our husbands are friends... And I'm worried about them finding out right now since he's a coach for their kids. I don't really know what I might uncover and I kinda don't want her constantly asking me about stuff. Thoughts? I always assume if I tell a married person something that I am also telling their spouse. What are you thinking she can tell you anyway? If she knew who the woman was wouldn't she have said "I saw so and so in his car" rather than "a woman"?
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