irc333 Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 I sometimes read in women's profiles, "Must not be serial dater, if you are, do not contact me! I prefer to date one at a time" They come off as if there's something unethical about multi or serial dating, but really IS it wrong and if so why is it considered a bad thing? Like this week, I have 2 dates scheduled (Yeah, rarely happens), but sometimes men get waves of opportunities with a "when it rains, it pours" situation. I am guessing though the "unethical" part comes in when he's having sex with multiple partners. Perhaps that's what she's meaning? I think some can "multi-date" without being sexually intimate, yes? I personally don't see anything wrong with it, becuase it's always a good idea to have a back up plan (in the initial stages), in case one of them flakes. Seems men are more so guilty of the serial dating thing than women are though and men are judged for doing it. If so, why?
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 I don't think it is not fair, if the dater tells the date. As I would like to know in all honesty. Though for me I have trouble with names, one at a time is all I need, but thankfully I never had been through dating practices to deal with such problems. heheeheheheh!!
Arieswoman Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 irc333, I can't see a problem with multiple dating. However, when I say "dating" I mean "dating" ie ;going for coffee/brunch, bowling, pictures/movies, walk in the park, visit to museum/art gallery etc etc. I don't mean anything sexual. When I was single and dating I often scheduled more than one date in a week in case I got let down. (Once I had three guys say they would take me out on a Saturday night and I was beginning to wonder how I would deal with it when they rang up. I decided that I would take the first offer then tell the other two they'd "missed the boat". The problem solved itself as none of them rang up !) If the profile says " must be serial dater" and that doesn't fit in with your modus operandi, then I wouldn't bother to make contact. It sounds to me these girls are laying conditions down before anything has got off the ground, which seems a bit controlling to me.
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 irc333, I can't see a problem with multiple dating. However, when I say "dating" I mean "dating" ie ;going for coffee/brunch, bowling, pictures/movies, walk in the park, visit to museum/art gallery etc etc. I don't mean anything sexual. When I was single and dating I often scheduled more than one date in a week in case I got let down. (Once I had three guys say they would take me out on a Saturday night and I was beginning to wonder how I would deal with it when they rang up. I decided that I would take the first offer then tell the other two they'd "missed the boat". The problem solved itself as none of them rang up !) If the profile says " must be serial dater" and that doesn't fit in with your modus operandi, then I wouldn't bother to make contact. It sounds to me these girls are laying conditions down before anything has got off the ground, which seems a bit controlling to me. Please forgive my ignorance... but your dating practices sound more like my outings more than a date. Trying to differentiate what I know and what you explain confuses me. So, I assume what makes my outings not a date, is the lack of expectations of dating??? If not, I have been blowing dates off as just casual things to do. Which is not only surprising but unsettling, as I can see why some things in my past were troubling to understand. Another example why I try not to figure too much about what goes on around me, as I get confused and go into an endless loop of question. Well as long as some benefit from such an odd question, who am I to just delete and not bother.
writergal Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 On it's own, serial dating isn't good or bad. It just depends on how you use it. Some women view a man who serial dates, as a player. Whereas other women aren't bothered by the fact that the man's intentions are casual -- because they know upfront what to expect. That's where I think serial daters get into trouble, is when they aren't upfront with the woman. I think it's necessary to write it in your profile "not looking for anything serious," or to tell the woman this. Otherwise, then the man comes across as a player.
No Limit Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Well, if he's the type that immediately goes for kissing and touching and he was a serial dater, I'd stay clear of him. Other than that, I find serial monogamy much more problematic.
Redhead14 Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 I sometimes read in women's profiles, "Must not be serial dater, if you are, do not contact me! I prefer to date one at a time" They come off as if there's something unethical about multi or serial dating, but really IS it wrong and if so why is it considered a bad thing? Like this week, I have 2 dates scheduled (Yeah, rarely happens), but sometimes men get waves of opportunities with a "when it rains, it pours" situation. I am guessing though the "unethical" part comes in when he's having sex with multiple partners. Perhaps that's what she's meaning? I think some can "multi-date" without being sexually intimate, yes? I personally don't see anything wrong with it, becuase it's always a good idea to have a back up plan (in the initial stages), in case one of them flakes. Seems men are more so guilty of the serial dating thing than women are though and men are judged for doing it. If so, why? I posted this in another thread, but it applies here too. The problem is that the some people don't see the distinction between dating and sleeping around. They are assuming that because you are dating several people, you are sleeping with them too. If you are dating several people, it's something you need to work into a conversation in a light, casual way. There isn't anything wrong with dating a couple of different people. It's called dating. I agree, until you are exclusive with someone, you are free to see other people. You can say your dating other people, but haven't been intimate (if that's true). If the other person doesn't like that and thinks you should only be dating one at a time, they aren't a good match for you anyway. I've had a couple guys who backed off because they knew I was dating a couple of people at a time who got indignant or raised their eyebrows as if to say, she's loose or something. They made an assumption though that I'd been sleeping with other people. The one guy seemed almost jealous. Really?, he's being possessive already? Flag. Sometimes you can make an assumption that they are dating other people based on their pattern of scheduling dates with you, but it's just an assumption. You need to listen to them when they talk about what's going on in their lives. If they are very busy with work, hobbies, family, have a lot of outside interests, you could assume they don't have a lot of time to date a lot of people. Sleeping with different people at the same time is another "category" altogether. When you do broach the subject of their dating pattern/goal, etc. that question should be worked into it as well. Men and women do it. That's their right/choice, their business but if that's not where you are, that person isn't for you anyway. This is where your goals and boundaries come in. If, however, you are dating a couple or several people and you decide to sleep with one of them, you'd be better off not dating others even if you've not had the exclusivity talk. You'll have to be a pretty tough dater to do it though because you will know they are seeing other people or if you don't know it when you do sleep together and find out later, you better have your emotions in check. Being able to separate emotions from sex is not always an easy thing. Some say it's easier for men to do that, I'm not so sure, but . . . Conan O'Brien reported on a study that says "some people don't get attached, upset or emotional after a one night stand . . . those people are called men" It's a funny statement, but I don't think it's a fair statement. 2
Redhead14 Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Well, if he's the type that immediately goes for kissing and touching and he was a serial dater, I'd stay clear of him. Other than that, I find serial monogamy much more problematic. Not all guys who come on this way are serial daters, most times, they are guys who haven't had many dates or at least for some time and are very anxious, so to speak and will come off a little nervous too. The guys who are serial daters and do this are usually a little cocky, over confident. That's been my experience.
the tank Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 You cant be exclusive after one date ! How many time I had few dates with a girls and it didnt work...
Priv Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 I think it is only fair to assume both parties are talking to/dating other people if you met through OLD. That kind of is the point in't it? I think I would assume after a 3rd date that there is some exclusivity in the sense that both parties are interested and continue dating other people would only distract from getting to know each other. At some point the man/woman should make up there mind and give you full attention. This is OLD though, I normally meet women in the wild and it is pretty clear we are into each other... Sleeping with others but going on a date with me? No way and I would seriously wonder why she still goes on dates with men. 1
central Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 I ignore some of the misguided things people say in their profile. I'll date multiple (if I have that option) until I choose one with whom to be exclusive. I only date women who contact me first, so if they want to break their own rule, it's not my problem.
Michelle ma Belle Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 (edited) I think those that write such a thing in their profile more often than not get the terms serial dater and player confused. Which isn't all the difficult to do upon first glance. Dating is dating and until you meet someone you want to be exclusive with I think it's completely acceptable not to mention expected that men/women will multi-date until such time. That's not to say there aren't men/women who prefer to date one at a time but to expect it or even demand someone date only them for however long it takes to figure out if you're compatible or not is borderline ridiculous and naive. Regarding sex, yes, it would appear that women seem to have the most issue with men casually sowing their oats during this search period particularly if they've been online and actively dating for a LONG time. But then again, doesn't sex always complicate things? As a woman having done the OLD thing, I have found that there are many men who say all the right things (be it online or in person), the things they think women want to hear about relationships and love and settling down meanwhile they're quite content dating a new woman every night and having sex as often as a woman will spread her legs for him. Maybe they really do mean what they say but actions speak louder than words especially when it comes to women. Are thee men waiting for a lightening bolt to hit them in the head when they've found "the one"? Is it just an innocent case of feast vs famine? Get what you can while you can? Is this the new serial dating on the way to monogamy or are they really players in disguise waiting until the pool dries up or their charms begin to fail before settling for just one partner? I'm not sure but I know it happens A LOT. To see women blatantly post such things in their profiles tells me they too have met their fair share of these types of men and are tired of "dating" them. Edited October 8, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle
oldshirt Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 people should keep their options open and not pidgeonhole themselves until they find someone they want to focus their attention and energies on. In the case you reference, it's her responsibility to be the kind of person that some guy dating her wants to focus on. It's not her place to put restrictions on them from the git-go. The opposite is true as well. any woman you date should keep her options open until she finds one that she want's to focus on. It's your responsibility to be good enough to be that person. you don't have the right to try to place restrictions on her either. It has to be a mutual choice. 1
PegNosePete Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 (edited) These people need a new dictionary. Serial means one after the other. Multi-dating would be "parallel", not serial. You cant be exclusive after one date ! How many time I had few dates with a girls and it didnt work... Well then you don't see them again, and move on to someone else. Exclusivity does not mean any kind of commitment. It just means, "I will not date anyone else until I decide I don't want to see you again". Edited October 8, 2014 by PegNosePete 6
Redhead14 Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 These people need a new dictionary. Serial means one after the other. Multi-dating would be "parallel", not serial. Yes, a uniform/clear definition probably should exist - maybe an entry in the Urban dictionary. Dating - seeing/going out with someone or several people simultaneously for the purpose of finding a suitable/potential mate or companion without exclusivity or intimacy.
preraph Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 IRC, I don't think it's unethical as long as both parties agree to it up front. When you have a woman who says this isn't right for her because she needs focus and is afraid she can't discern between a dater and a player, then that's when you move on to another person. You can't blame a woman for wanting to have the man's full attention just long enough to find out if they are interested in each other. You can't blame the man for wanting to keep his line in the water and not wanting to make even a short-term commitment to a woman he's never met before except online. But as long as you're both open about how you operate and don't lie just to go out with them, it's fine. No point in starting off by breaching a trust. The difference between women and men to some extent online is women have a fear factor men don't have to consider. Women would rather only go meet someone they feel they know a little bit and if they're taking that chance, then they'd rather not like to think that they're one of 6 women the guy is meeting that week. The guy has had failure and rejection one after another and is thinking, I don't want to waste my whole week on what will likely be another failure and rejection. So just be honest about it up front -- after all you don't even know them until you meet, no matter if you think you do or not -- and the ones who are really bothered by it, just pass them by.
Redhead14 Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 I read in another thread that somewhere in Europe it is assumed/expected that people who are dating are exclusive from the start for the period of time that they are dating. That kinda simplifies things. However, may "waste" a lot of a persons time.
the tank Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 I read in another thread that somewhere in Europe it is assumed/expected that people who are dating are exclusive from the start for the period of time that they are dating. That kinda simplifies things. However, may "waste" a lot of a persons time. Isnt when they kiss they are exclusive ?!
Redhead14 Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Isnt when they kiss they are exclusive ?! I don't think that was mentioned. But then it gets into the "level" of kissing. You are dating and exclusive because you gave and/or received a kiss on the cheek after the first date. Even this simplistic definition becomes complicated . . .
salparadise Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 These people need a new dictionary. Serial means one after the other. Multi-dating would be "parallel", not serial. I'm glad you clarified that- it was driving me nuts! Serial, as in serial numbers, serial monogamist, serial killer, also not to be confused with breakfast serial I've always thought what they mean is they don't want to do the brief, casual relationship routine, i.e. date for a few months and then move on to the next one. I think they mean that they only want to date people who are ready for a serious, long-term relationship or marriage as opposed to just engaging in the process for fun and sex and never getting attached. But it could be that they've misinterpreted the term as well. The problem is that even if you are looking for serious, long-term or marriage, you have to date to fall in love and determine if there is compatibility. And if it's just not there then you move on and try again. Just like you have to go on one date before you know if you're interested in a second. I get a real kick when they say, "friends first, no serial daters." I take that to mean, no sex for a long damn time and if I find you acceptable you'd better be willing to marry me.
JuneJulySeptember Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I sometimes read in women's profiles, "Must not be serial dater, if you are, do not contact me! I prefer to date one at a time" They come off as if there's something unethical about multi or serial dating, but really IS it wrong and if so why is it considered a bad thing? Like this week, I have 2 dates scheduled (Yeah, rarely happens), but sometimes men get waves of opportunities with a "when it rains, it pours" situation. I am guessing though the "unethical" part comes in when he's having sex with multiple partners. Perhaps that's what she's meaning? I think some can "multi-date" without being sexually intimate, yes? I personally don't see anything wrong with it, becuase it's always a good idea to have a back up plan (in the initial stages), in case one of them flakes. Seems men are more so guilty of the serial dating thing than women are though and men are judged for doing it. If so, why? People are so picky when it comes to dating I really don't think you can stay sane unless you treat meeting someone of the opposite sex you are interested in with a pretty blase, just a fish in the sea, attitude. Especially if you are a man who must always take initiative. Serial dating, or serial dates, or serial rejections, just becomes a result of that. 1
Kid_Charlemange Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 OP, I've come to the conclusion that it's best to assume that anyone you're dating is not dating you exclusively -- until you decide to be exclusive. As for the "rains it pours" thing, yeah... been there. In June of this year I had four first dates in five days. Only one of them wound up being a second date, but it was weird how it all came together. With that one, once we became intimate I took down my OLD profile. She noticed this and did the same, although I didn't ask her to. It seemed polite But we are adults, and we need to use our words -- if a person wants to be exclusive, say so!
Teraskas Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 (edited) Past experiences in dating have shown me FAR too often that you shouldn't pin your hopes on just 1 person. There is just too much disappointment, rejection, etc. involved to let it all depend on 1 person whom you fancy. Don't get me wrong, I would abandon the 'don't put your eggs in one basket' metphor once someone who I've been going out with is REALLY interested in me, and vice versa. Edited October 10, 2014 by Teraskas 1
normal person Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 IRC, I don't think it's unethical as long as both parties agree to it up front. This sounds odd to me. In the initial stages of dating, if you're still trying to feel each other out and learn about the person, then exclusivity seems a bit presumptuous. Maybe some of this is regional. Here in New York, I think it's pretty safe to assume everyone you're dating is dating someone else until you agree not to. That's the big step.
WesternWizard Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 I sometimes read in women's profiles, "Must not be serial dater, if you are, do not contact me! I prefer to date one at a time" They come off as if there's something unethical about multi or serial dating, but really IS it wrong and if so why is it considered a bad thing? Because serial daters give others the impression that they either don't have the faintest idea what they're looking for, or they're looking for something that's practically nonexistent, or they just don't really care whether they meet someone or not.
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