cmonman Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 My girlfriend of 3 months has been acting really distant and unaffectionate for the past several weeks. She has a lot of stress going on in her life, but this behavior also coincided with our "talk" where I told her that I really cared for her and wanted to be in a relationship, and she agreed. I have tried getting her to open up a couple of times over the last few weeks, but every time she just pretends like everything is fine, even though it is to the point that she can barely bring herself to look at me or touch me when we are in person. Has anyone had this happen to them before? Recently, we were talking on the phone and she opened up about her history of past relationships. Her last three ended VERY bad, with emotional abuse, lying, cheating, and one instance of physical abuse. In that same conversation (but talking out of context and not about us) she said that every heart break she has had has been worse than the last, and that with each new relationship she puts up a bigger wall. I think this is what she is doing now. I've given more details about my specific situation in a previous post, but I really feel like she is emotionally terrified of opening up to me, and I'm not sure how to approach her.
Emilia Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 You need to think long and hard about this because it's likely to end in tears. If someone keeps ending up in abusive relationships and each one is worse than the previous one, it's likely that the person has big emotional issues. Made worse by the abuse but having something in her already that allows her to get into these in the first place. People with healthy boundaries tend to bail before they are abused. The fact that she puts a wall up like that most likely conceals a very damaged self-esteem and quite possibly major personality issues. Ask yourself: why do you want to be a rescuer? Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who can't give you emotionally what you want? Is this what you learnt at home? 3
Gaeta Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 She is not relationship material. Being in a relationship is about connecting, opening, sharing, trusting. If she is incapable of doing this then your relationship will never grow beyond dating. I also believe that anything said like: I am scared of a heartbreak, I am scared of hurting, all my relationships ends badly, you deserve better etc, all these indicates she is not THAT into you and those are excuses to keep you at a distance. 2
d0nnivain Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 It's been 90 days. You are still getting to know each other. Stop pushing for revelations & declarations & labels. Just enjoy spending time with each other & letting your relationship develop. Calm down & get out of the express lane. 1
Emilia Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 It's been 90 days. You are still getting to know each other. Stop pushing for revelations & declarations & labels. Just enjoy spending time with each other & letting your relationship develop. Calm down & get out of the express lane. It takes less than a month for a person to start showing their true colours, you have to pay attention from the beginning, especially if you have already had sex. OP, listen to Gaeta and I. This girl has problems you can't (and shouldn't try!) fix. 1
Author cmonman Posted October 8, 2014 Author Posted October 8, 2014 You need to think long and hard about this because it's likely to end in tears. If someone keeps ending up in abusive relationships and each one is worse than the previous one, it's likely that the person has big emotional issues. Made worse by the abuse but having something in her already that allows her to get into these in the first place. People with healthy boundaries tend to bail before they are abused. The fact that she puts a wall up like that most likely conceals a very damaged self-esteem and quite possibly major personality issues. Ask yourself: why do you want to be a rescuer? Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who can't give you emotionally what you want? Is this what you learnt at home? Here's the thing about her previous relationships, they weren't abusive until she caught them doing something (cheating, lying) and then she got out of them. She is actually very positive and objective about relationships and love, which is why this is really confusing. Everything she has said that was directly in relation to US has been nothing but confident, but her actions aren't showing that over the past few weeks. And that's the other thing. She showed a HUGE capacity to give me what I need in the first 2+ months. She has it in her, and I fell for that person.
d0nnivain Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 And that's the other thing. She showed a HUGE capacity to give me what I need in the first 2+ months. She has it in her, and I fell for that person. Her actions & her words don't match. Her actions are good & what you want. The words are scaring her & she is tripping over them. So stop putting pressure on her to verbalize your relationship. Just enjoy what is happening. 1
Assasda Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 It's been 90 days. You are still getting to know each other. Stop pushing for revelations & declarations & labels. Just enjoy spending time with each other & letting your relationship develop. Calm down & get out of the express lane. ^ Absolutely right. I'm going to be put this bluntly. You've been acting feminine in the relationship, and she resents you for it. It has nothing to do with any previous relationship before. Nothing to do with any stress. At this point you should be having fun with her, not putting emotional pressure on her, or having some "talk" And not trying to make excuses for her. This is the solution. Stop trying to dig for some answer that you wont find, leave her alone to do her thing, stop verbalizing your feelings, have fun, and go out with her. Stop being needy
Gaeta Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 What type of relationship you want? and what is your personal deadline? I personally think 3 months is plenty for someone to figure out if your relationship is growing or regressing. If it starts regressing after 3 months it's because you are not a match. I would not date someone 'unsure and scared' past 3 months. I need someone solid in who he is and in what he wants, about you? OP is right to hesitate, how long should he waste in a woman that is 'afraid of a heartbreak'? 6 months? a year? I have been down that road already, I gave the guy a full year to stop being afraid by a commitment. Guess what! that was 3 years ago and he is still single, still afraid to commit.
Author cmonman Posted October 8, 2014 Author Posted October 8, 2014 I'm going to be put this bluntly. You've been acting feminine in the relationship, and she resents you for it. It has nothing to do with any previous relationship before. Nothing to do with any stress. I appreciate your input and your bluntness, but I have to be blunt in return. I see this kind of thought process thrown around a lot, and it's not that it's not EVER true, but it's not a catch-all for all relationship problems. My personality was "man enough" to attract her in the first place. Keep her not only interested, but highly attracted, so much so that she said she wanted to be in a relationship with me. At what point would I have been acting too "feminine" and caused her to resent me? There was no reason to act "needy" before she began acting differently, which means your logic is putting the cart before the horse. And if my natural personality is "feminine" then I would have never attracted her in the first place. Also, are you trying to say that a woman is beyond being effected by massive stress (which she is currently experiencing, I guess coincidentally) or fear of opening her heart to being hurt by yet another relationship (which is incredibly common fear)... But the second she senses that a man actually cares and wants to talk about something, she is repulsed... But not to the point of not ending things, just getting distant? Seems a little far fetched and highly coincidental to me. I'm not trying to completely dismiss your input, I'm not. I think there is a lot of importance for the man to be the man in a relationship. But let's be real, lumping all problems under the "be a man" banner is like telling a woman her BF is loosing interest because she didn't keep her mouth shut and make him a sandwich. Let's live in 2014 please.
Assasda Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 I appreciate your input and your bluntness, but I have to be blunt in return. I see this kind of thought process thrown around a lot, and it's not that it's not EVER true, but it's not a catch-all for all relationship problems. My personality was "man enough" to attract her in the first place. Keep her not only interested, but highly attracted, so much so that she said she wanted to be in a relationship with me. At what point would I have been acting too "feminine" and caused her to resent me? There was no reason to act "needy" before she began acting differently, which means your logic is putting the cart before the horse. And if my natural personality is "feminine" then I would have never attracted her in the first place. Also, are you trying to say that a woman is beyond being effected by massive stress (which she is currently experiencing, I guess coincidentally) or fear of opening her heart to being hurt by yet another relationship (which is incredibly common fear)... But the second she senses that a man actually cares and wants to talk about something, she is repulsed... But not to the point of not ending things, just getting distant? Seems a little far fetched and highly coincidental to me. I'm not trying to completely dismiss your input, I'm not. I think there is a lot of importance for the man to be the man in a relationship. But let's be real, lumping all problems under the "be a man" banner is like telling a woman her BF is loosing interest because she didn't keep her mouth shut and make him a sandwich. Let's live in 2014 please. Fantastic. I like that you didnt take offense to my comment. Because I certainly wasnt trying to offend. what I am saying is that, you were in your masculine element when you got with her. You were in your masculine element when she told you, she was attracted to you. Then at some point, you start becoming more feminine, and doing more feminine things, which she resents, and continue to resent. Women dont get mad at lovers for stress. And if she already is in a relationship with you she wont revert to start thinking about previous relationships, it just doesnt happen. Less emotional talk, more having spontaneious fun, and less talking about feelings, and I guarantee, that she'll be back where she was before, in a couple of weeks
Diezel Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 I hate it when people start new threads as if the last one never happened. If anyone else posting wants a little more perspective, here you go: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/496231-girlfriend-can-t-show-affection
Author cmonman Posted October 8, 2014 Author Posted October 8, 2014 I hate it when people start new threads as if the last one never happened. If anyone else posting wants a little more perspective, here you go: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/496231-girlfriend-can-t-show-affection I said in the original post that I had gone into more detail in an earlier thread. Sorry I didn't link to it. Thanks for posting that.
Diezel Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 My problem with it is that you are asking the same question in two different threads. It's the SAME girl. People are going to give you advice based on whatever you are saying here, regardless. Spell it out with me. D.U.M.P. H. E. R.
Gloria25 Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 She is not relationship material. Being in a relationship is about connecting, opening, sharing, trusting. If she is incapable of doing this then your relationship will never grow beyond dating. Agreed ^^...Coming from a chick who has a fear of trusting others. Some people have their limitations...if that doesn't work for you, time to move on. Yes, it's only been 90 days, but be glad she showed you who she is now rather than later... I wonder if she's gonna end up like me, unable to even get someone to "date" her on the regular Cuz, like I've said over and over, RLs have to progress, when they don't the guy usually moves on.
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