frozengirl Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 For the guys and girls in the dating field right now, how can you tell if the person you are dating, is dating you and seeing other people? Is there a way to tell or no?
Kid_Charlemange Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 For the guys and girls in the dating field right now, how can you tell if the person you are dating, is dating you and seeing other people? Is there a way to tell or no? This is an interesting question. I like the "Digital Romance radio" podcast that Mike Fiore puts out. He and his sidekick Nora insist that you should be dating more than one person at a time, and that until you say you're exclusive -- you're not. This thinking kind of came as a surprise to me, and I was actually considering teeing up this topic as a new thread. It seems as though other dating coaches suggest the same thing. So to answer your question, I guess the only way to know for sure is to ask!
Author frozengirl Posted October 8, 2014 Author Posted October 8, 2014 This is an interesting question. I like the "Digital Romance radio" podcast that Mike Fiore puts out. He and his sidekick Nora insist that you should be dating more than one person at a time, and that until you say you're exclusive -- you're not. This thinking kind of came as a surprise to me, and I was actually considering teeing up this topic as a new thread. It seems as though other dating coaches suggest the same thing. So to answer your question, I guess the only way to know for sure is to ask! But wouldn't asking them seem like a rude thing to do or the girl of being a bitch or the guy an *******?
Kid_Charlemange Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 But wouldn't asking them seem like a rude thing to do or the girl of being a bitch or the guy an *******? I don't think so. If that's what you want -- an exclusive, monogamous relationship -- and you think you two are ready, then you should ask. Or rather, not ask per se, but say "I think we're doing great and I'd like to take this to the next level and be exclusive." One thing I've learned: Waiting around and hoping people will just give you the things you want in a relationship, rarely works.
evanescentworld Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 But wouldn't asking them seem like a rude thing to do or the girl of being a bitch or the guy an *******? Not at all. It's important to establish precisely how many people you might be "sleeping" with... 1
Andy_K Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Often it's pretty obvious if they're not seeing someone else If you're with someone who is pretty open about what they do in their spare time, plans for the week, when you can see them and so forth, it becomes pretty clear there isn't going to be anyone else in the mix. If you've got a decent amount of text communication going and a clearly high interest level from them too, how many people do you think they could possibly keep that up with? If on the other hand they're more cagey, don't really give you much of a window into their life, and communicate infrequently, then you can't take anything for granted. Maybe it's just the type I tend to date, but the vast majority fit into the first group, so this is rarely something I have to worry about. 2
Redhead14 Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 For the guys and girls in the dating field right now, how can you tell if the person you are dating, is dating you and seeing other people? Is there a way to tell or no? There really isn't a way to tell. It's something you need to work into a conversation in a light, casual way. There isn't anything wrong with dating a couple of different people. It's called dating. I agree, until you are exclusive with someone, you are free to see other people. You can say your dating other people, but haven't been intimate (if that's true). If the other person doesn't like that and thinks you should only be dating one at a time, they aren't a good match for you anyway. I've had a couple guys who backed off because they knew I was dating a couple of people at a time who got indignant or raised their eyebrows as if to say, she's loose or something. They made an assumption though that I'd been sleeping with other people. The one guy seemed almost jealous. Really?, he's being possessive already? Flag. Sometimes you can make an assumption that they are dating other people based on their pattern of scheduling dates with you, but it's just an assumption. You need to listen to them when they talk about what's going on in their lives. If they are very busy with work, hobbies, family, have a lot of outside interests, you could assume they don't have a lot of time to date a lot of people. Sleeping with different people at the same time is another "category" altogether. When you do broach the subject of their dating pattern/goal, etc. that question should be worked into it as well. This is where your goals and boundaries come in. If, however, you are dating a couple or several people and you decide to sleep with one of them, you'd be better off not dating others even if you've not had the exclusivity talk. You'll have to be a pretty tough dater to do it though because you will know they are seeing other people or if you don't know it when you do sleep together and find out later, you better have your emotions in check. Being able to separate emotions from sex is not always an easy thing. Some say it's easier for men to do that, I'm not so sure, but . . . Conan O'Brien reported on a study that says "some people don't get attached, upset or emotional after a one night stand . . . those people are called men" It's a funny statement, but I don't think it's a fair statement. 1
isisisweeping Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Until it is said we are exclusive, I assume they are dating other people. I would bring up the conversation before sex enters the picture. 5
Tayken Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 @OP...just want to add that it will be silly (keeping it civil) for those that like to play the field / keep their options open, to actually expect a person they like to committ to them exclusively. Being able to separate emotions from sex is not always an easy thing. Some say it's easier for men to do that, I'm not so sure, but Hookers the world over seem to be able to do that just fine....there is even an added bonus for them, they get paid on a daily basis. Does this answer your question? If you're with someone who is pretty open about what they do in their spare time, plans for the week, when you can see them and so forth, it becomes pretty clear there isn't going to be anyone else in the mix. Yes, but there aren't many willing to provide you with that information due to their hidden agendas. If they are not waiting for a contractor, they are working late, meeting with some "friends" after work, have Yoga class, or watching someone's dog etc. It's not uncommon for some to even pull the a friend/family is in hospital card...sad I know
DrReplyInRhymes Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 This is always a touchy subject, everyone has a different view Some people date many, others date a select few, Whatever your case, you should probably find out, Thinking you're monogamous when you're not causes doubt!
venusishername Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 (edited) There really isn't a way to tell. It's something you need to work into a conversation in a light, casual way. There isn't anything wrong with dating a couple of different people. It's called dating. I agree, until you are exclusive with someone, you are free to see other people. You can say your dating other people, but haven't been intimate (if that's true). If the other person doesn't like that and thinks you should only be dating one at a time, they aren't a good match for you anyway. I've had a couple guys who backed off because they knew I was dating a couple of people at a time who got indignant or raised their eyebrows as if to say, she's loose or something. They made an assumption though that I'd been sleeping with other people. The one guy seemed almost jealous. Really?, he's being possessive already? Flag. Sleeping with different people at the same time is another "category" altogether. When you do broach the subject of their dating pattern/goal, etc. that question should be worked into it as well. This is where your goals and boundaries come in. If, however, you are dating a couple or several people and you decide to sleep with one of them, you'd be better off not dating others even if you've not had the exclusivity talk. You'll have to be a pretty tough dater to do it though because you will know they are seeing other people or if you don't know it when you do sleep together and find out later, you better have your emotions in check. My most recent dating experience brought up this very question for me. I agree, this is about boundaries and goals. Sex changes the mix, at least for me. I would like to think that's true for most others, but you never know I guess unless you ask. He and I were just seeing other and getting to know casually but I ended up really liking him. On our last (and final) date I brought up the 'what are you looking for' discussion. He was straightforward that he was dating others, didn't say anything about sleeping with anyone though. I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy because I liked him and didn't happen to be seeing anyone else. I made a half-joking comment implying that I was a little jealous. I guess that could be construed as a red flag, but if you are really digging the person, isn't that to be expected? I guess he may have taken it as a 'flag' not that I was possessive but that I really liked him? If someone said that to me, I'd be flattered and think that they must really like me. I decided to sleep with him anyway. After we slept together, I see him out with another woman. My emotions were not in check. I had to assume he may be also sleeping with her, although maybe he wasn't. Either way, you bring up a great point. I wasn't ready for that, nor is that what I want!! If I'm sleeping with someone, I sure as hell don't want him to be on a date with another woman! How are some people ok with this?! Imagine if the tables were turned....I wonder if a guy wouldn't be the slightest bit jealous and feel a pang if he saw me out with someone else. Especially after sleeping together. I think dating more than one is fine of course, but I personally automatically assume dating includes sex, or the prospect of it! I personally do not EVER sleep with more than one man at a time. I very rarely even date more than one man at a time. I don't have time! Edited October 8, 2014 by venusishername
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 very rarely would any one say " Hey I'm dating loads and loads of people" But personally I don't see anything wrong with it per say. Dating is a bit of a numbers game anyway. I think if you want to know, there isn't any harm in asking. There's only one way to find out!
Diezel Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I always assume that they do and so should they about me until exclusivity comes into the picture.
Tayken Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 very rarely would any one say " Hey I'm dating loads and loads of people" But personally I don't see anything wrong with it per say. Dating is a bit of a numbers game anyway. I think if you want to know, there isn't any harm in asking. There's only one way to find out! Which makes the OP's question a moot point. You are right that there isn't anything wrong with having loads of partners (bar the potential to get infected), but people shouldn't complain that the other person is doing the same thing. It becomes a double standard / entitled thing then.
Recommended Posts