OneFootOut Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 So, I've been through a lot since I first came here, and believe it or not, its taken me a few years to finally reach out to try to make friends with real live people (not just online). So I've been talking to this one fella online for about a year. We're great online friends, live close enough to visit, and have a lot of things in common that we both enjoy doing. We also both have our issues. I have been dealing with some personal stuff and its been very hard for me to trust anyone enough to get to the point of letting them into my real world. He got to that point. He won my trust and I feel comfortable with him. Well.. I've asked him over a few times the last couple weeks and he always puts me off to another day. Ok, fine, that day will work. When that day comes, there is another excuse... something came up. The something that came up is that even though he had plans with me, his ex called and needed him to take her here or there or take her daughter shopping (grown, and not his) or any number of things. Oh her car broke. Oh her daughter is too busy to take her, etc. We were supposed to get together today.. but I never heard from him until tonight when he came to chat. I asked what he'd been up to.. he said he'd been home mostly because (ex) stood him up. Huh? So you made plans with ex today? I'm at the point where I won't ask him again to meet me, or invite him over for dinner or anything. He tells me how he loathes this woman, but she doesn't have a car so she needs his help. He says he feels obligated. They only dated about a year, and never lived together or married or anything. He drives an hour to go take her to the corner store. Anyway.. for the record, this was never about dating between us.. just friends hanging out.. so there has never been any pressure or expectations beyond that. We were going to get together and share airbrush techniques and stuff like that, since we are both creative. I just don't know how to take this. He has to know what a big step it is for me to even invite him to my home, but he keeps brushing me off. Am I wasting my time? Should I ask him over one last time? Unfortunately, he is the only "friend" prospect I have, and I had really hoped we would have been hanging out by now. We're both over 45 so this isn't teenage drama or anything... even tho its starting to feel like it.
Dontfindme Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Hello, sorry to hear that you keep getting blown off by your friend. It sounds to me like he doesn't really hate his ex - you don't go out of your way to do all of these things for someone you hate. It's possible that he's still invested emotionally, and so he changes plans around with you to accommodate her every desire. This is pretty disrespectful to you. I think you should step back from this friendship for a bit, and focus your attention towards others who want the same kind of friendship that you seem to want. I wouldn't reach out to make plans with him again. 2
Author OneFootOut Posted October 8, 2014 Author Posted October 8, 2014 Thanks Dontfindme.. I was kind of feeling like backing off, I guess I just needed someone else to see this the way I do. I don't know.. just feeling a little lost after this last time. To hear him talk about her, she's a wretched ogre that really hurt him deep, much older than him (us), and an alcoholic to boot, but for some reason he keeps running to her every beck and call. Back to square one I guess.
preraph Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Sounds to me like he's consumed with this relationship with his ex and just busy trying to keep his family happy and cared for. It's unfortunate that people with families seem to just stop trying to have friends after a point. Keep trying with people though. All it takes is one friend who likes to go do things to alleviate boredom and also introduce you to others.
Dontfindme Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Thanks Dontfindme.. I was kind of feeling like backing off, I guess I just needed someone else to see this the way I do. I don't know.. just feeling a little lost after this last time. To hear him talk about her, she's a wretched ogre that really hurt him deep, much older than him (us), and an alcoholic to boot, but for some reason he keeps running to her every beck and call. Back to square one I guess. He has to make his own mistakes before he can find his way. But don't let him hold you back. Being back to square one may be a good thing, because it will allow you to get a nice, clean start. Assess, reevaluate what it is that you're looking for, and go out there and get it. Don't assume that your age is a disadvantage. There are plenty of people looking for true friendships, sometimes you just have to make that initial step towards it. I'd also suggest trying to be friends with more than one person at a time, that way you aren't too reliant on that one person. I wish you the best of luck!
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 We're great online friends, Keep it that way. You've asked to get together and he's given excuses or reasons why he can't. He's being polite and doesn't want to hurt your feelings but read between the lines. You two are online friends and it seems he doesn't want to take it offline and meet up. If he wanted to get together he would. Stop asking because if you push it he's going to distance himself from you and you may lose the online friendship.
LastAcorn99 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 (edited) So sorry to hear you’re disappointed by this guy friend not making time for you. Like Dontfindme suggested, don't you think his attention is drawn elsewhere? I can understand the struggles of older singles, my cousin is in similar situation. Have you considered checking singles sites? --LastAcorn99 Edited October 9, 2014 by LastAcorn99
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