mearl20 Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 My recent boyfriend of a couple months has started bailing on me whenever we make plans. He's always seemed slightly flakey but now I've noticed him bailing with excuses and find out he instead is hanging out with his friends, drinking. He's 25 and has told me he wants a committed relationship and is more into compassion rather than sleeping around. I've met his parents and he's met my whole family. He never pressures me for anything and he's initiated almost everything (he asked me to date him, invites me everywhere, meeting my family, etc.). So I'm confused as to why he bails so much. The most recent time, he wanted to take me to a breakfast place that was supposedly so good. We were supposed to go last week then something came up for him. So, we planned the next week on Sun. He seemed excited about it, talked about all week and kept saying he wanted to see me before breakfast on Sunday and on Sun. Saturday night he went to a friends party and I was with my friends. I asked him if he still wanted to go in the morning because he was pretty drunk and I was making sure. He didn't respond until Sunday at 12pm saying that his friend got a DUI and that he was in jail trying to bail him out all morning and he was sorry he didn't respond sooner. Then later I went to work (at a restaurant where he goes often-how we met) and he was there watching the football game with his friend, completely drunk. Another server told him I was coming in and that he should say hi, then he tried to leave before seeing me. I think he knew I would be mad if I saw him-he didn't have time to meet up with me but he had time to watch the entire game and drink with his friend. I went up to him and his friend tried asking me to go play pool with them another day at my boyfriend's house and I was so mad I told them I would see, and he said "you will, you always come over". Like I was desperate and have nothing better to do than to see him. That night he texted me saying he could tell I was mad and that he didn't mean to upset me. He went on and on saying that he beats himself up about it and that he didn't do it intentionally. He said he was sorry and that he's not used to being in a serious relationship. I was still mad and texted saying I don't like when he bails and that we should talk about it in person not over text. He hasn't responded since then and it's been a couple days. I want him to know how serious I am about how I don't like him bailing but I really want to talk to him in person but he's not responding. I'm thinking of breaking the silence and just saying sorry for being so upset and that I want to talk about it sometime-even though I know guys hate "talks". I don't want to freak him out or be clingy or high maintenance but I hate when I'm put on the back burner after making a specific plan. And I know his family and friends and work and hobbies are first priority but I'd like to be somewhat a priority. I don't have to be the 1st, 2nd or even 3rd but at least kind of a priority. Even though I'm still mad, should I reach out to him first? Am I overreacting? How can I fix this? Thank you!
Elias33 Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 Looks like all he does is talk the talk, but yet has to produce the walk. You are right when you have doubts. And this is just the start. And no, you can't fix it, only he can. 3
mammasita Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 Nope, you're not overreacting at all. You're dating a man-boy. He's not ready for a real relationship. You need to cut this one loose and let him grow up. 3
Author mearl20 Posted October 7, 2014 Author Posted October 7, 2014 Thanks! It sure seems like this and I don't want to change him or fix him but I do want him to realize that it's upsetting when he does this and maybe he'll stop, but who knows. He told me he's used to independence and not used to being in a serious relationship (he said I'm the closest thing he's had to a girlfriend). I want to at least express my feelings about it and maybe he'll realize if he doesn't stop bailing then I'll stop seeing him.
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Please don't apologize...arghh u did do anything wrong!
Author mearl20 Posted October 8, 2014 Author Posted October 8, 2014 Nope, you're not overreacting at all. You're dating a man-boy. He's not ready for a real relationship. You need to cut this one loose and let him grow up. It's just hard to let him go because when I do see him, he's so sweet, he says I'm amazing with everything, and one time (when I gave him a bday present) he almost said he loves me but he stopped himself. He always says he's not going to let me go and he likes to stand up for me (when we're out and other guys say something or hit on me, etc.). He never pressures me into anything I don't want to do and says he's patient. So idk what to do, will he eventually grow up?
d0nnivain Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 He likes alcohol more than you. If you are OK with being second to the bottle stick around. If not, no matter how sweet he may be you are not a priority to him. 3
Emilia Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 ^^^ Agree. He fits his life around alcohol, you come second. 2
mammasita Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 So idk what to do, will he eventually grow up? Of course he'll eventually grow up, in his own time - in his own way. Never with you by his side waiting. 1
LostInTheWild Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 (edited) You know, I think after all this time I've finally come to realize that when all a man does is talk and tell me he's so sorry all the time (without me feeding a guilt trip), he has his own issues he needs to deal with and nothing I say or do will change that. The more I stick around the less I hear how sorry he is and more disrespect soon follows. It's a pattern of behavior and by being the dummy standing there waiting for him to realize that he's wrong and having these little talks, "You're such a bad boy...Promise you won't do it again. You hurt my feelings..." Well, you can only say that so many times. And then you become his doormat. Just like the comment he made...he thinks you'll always be there...because you always are. Here is my plan for earning respect from the next man in my life, and I think you can learn how to do this too. Step One: Explain and communicate clearly the first time he does something that really hurts you (this creates a boundary and lets him know you are aware of what you will and will not tolerate). Always remember to pick and choose your battles...only do this for the things that really matter and that are indicative of a lack of respect; never fight over petty stuff because you will drive him away fast. Step Two: Watch his actions after he knows what he did hurt you the first time. If he doesn't continue to do it, great, you've found yourself a keeper. If he does, drop him. It's what I've learned I will have to do in the dating process. You don't hear me the first time? I'm not a doormat seeking approval from a**holes who are deaf. Screw that. And NEVER give ultimatums...JUST DO IT. Don't forewarn...JUST DO IT. Step Three: Detach, cut your losses, lick your wounds, and find somebody who will respect you the FIRST time you say you feel disrepected. Respect creates a nurturing, trusting atmosphere and breeds love. Without it, your relationship will crumble quickly. If you have to chase after a man all the time begging for respect...you're wasting your own time you could be spending with someone who would never need you to explain why things hurt you over and over again. And you're quickly becoming less valuable in the man's eyes. And trust me, he will soon enough be tuning you out. You will become an annoyance. Drop him. Edited October 8, 2014 by LostInTheWild 3
preraph Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 The guy is pickled. You're not going to be able to make any plans with him until he decides he's tired of staying hammered. His liquor comes first. Find someone who can function and give yourself a better life. 2
Arieswoman Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 mearl20, This guy is cheating on you because he has another relationship that's more important than you, and it's with booze. C'mon, wise up - do you really want to date a drunk? And - he's got a DUI. So he's not only a drunk but irresponsible with it. How would you feel if he'd caused a road accident when he was drunk-driving, and killed someone? I am sure that you can do better than date an irresponsible lush? No, don't contact him, just ignore him and let him pickle his liver all on his own. 1
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