ChrisC81 Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 So I am distraught and need advice. I going to try to keep this short, cause I just want general opinions. My ex of 4 years (We will call him Joe) dumped me in May and has wanted nothing to do with me since. He was cruel about it, and he disposed of me and my children like garbage. (not the real dad, but was close to them) I was heart broken and shocked. Prior to my getting dumped, he was drinking a lot and caring more about partying with friends than my feelings or the relationship. Since breaking up, he has done despicable things. He has dated girls barley old enough to drink, he is now seeing his ex who he was with prior to me, who is crazy and someone I hate and he pretended to hate while together with me, but obviously he really didnt, and now I have heard he got another crazy, trashy girl knocked up and she is having his baby in February. Now on to the issue. His good friend (we'll call him Rob) and I have been talking and occasionally hanging out for a couple months. I can tell he likes me and we have been taking it slow. I have not slept with him. He did tell my ex Joe over a beer that we have hung out a few times. He said my ex initially acted shocked and then proceeded cracking uncomfortable jokes. Rob said he didn't hear from him again for about a week or 2. So he texted my ex Joe 2 days ago to ask if he was mad about this. Joe responded by saying he didn't want to think about him with me, but that he would be fine and that he just doesn't want me in his life. He also stated I probably wanted to sleep with all his friends to get back at him, and other derogatory things. This hurt me because I have done nothing to this guy for him to hate me this way, but yet I feel like he gives Rob the green light and its okay for him, but I am chastised. It seems like an unfair double standard, and this is causing a rift between Rob and I, because I dont know if I can proceed. Rob has already told me he loves Joe and he will be his friend. I would like to add Joe is no saint when it comes to respecting peoples past relationships. He slept with his best friend's babies mom a long time ago. And also the girl carrying his baby was an ex from a brief relationship of a close friend of his. So this guy isn't exactly the king of morale. I am hurt that I am being demonized and that he has hatred for me, but not his friend. Why? I don't owe him anything. I would think if he would have anger towards anyone it would be Rob. Anyone who could help me understand would be helpful. I feel me and Rob can never be anything because of how Joe is acting. I loved Joe and gave him 4 years, and in the end I don't want people to think I am tramp who sleeps around with her ex's friends because it isn't the case. Any advice on this would be helpful, and wondering if I need to cut this off before it gets more serious.
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 OK, I would not let EX be in your way of being with his friend. If Ex's friend loves you, he will not take sides with Ex. What Ex says has nothing to do with your relationship. So don't let it get under your skin. Allow yourself to be above that, and enjoy what you have with his friend. His friend will make decision to be with you for himself. I have seen good friends part over other matters, so don't feel guilty for Ex's friends actions with you. As he will never put blame on you for breaking up his friendship, if that is what should happen..
Redhead14 Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 OK, I would not let EX be in your way of being with his friend. If Ex's friend loves you, he will not take sides with Ex. What Ex says has nothing to do with your relationship. So don't let it get under your skin. Allow yourself to be above that, and enjoy what you have with his friend. His friend will make decision to be with you for himself. I have seen good friends part over other matters, so don't feel guilty for Ex's friends actions with you. As he will never put blame on you for breaking up his friendship, if that is what should happen.. It is between them Period.
Tayken Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 @OP.....Please pardon me if I am wrong here, but he seems to me like you are one of those people that can't fathom being alone? In light of what has just happened, do you actually think what your kids need right now is another man in their lives i.e. a revolving door of men that aren't their dad? I mean those are strong words coming from you about "Joe's " ex, especially when it's from one woman to another. Perhaps it was karma that took place? "Rob" is only telling you what you want to hear, and as long as they are having beer together, I can assure you that things are being said....could it be you are being used as a pass around, and Rob wants his piece of the action before he does a runner like Joe? If you knew all this stuff you tell us about Joe, why then didn't you end up spending 4yrs of your life with him? This might NOT be what you want to hear, but I'll suggest you focus on your kids, find other stuff to keep yourself occupied and perhaps somehow if this is not already the case.....let the kids have a relationship with their bio father....if it is feasible and healthy. Jumping from one relationship to another for the fear of not wanting to be alone is NOT the solution, especially when kids are involved. I was listening to this one woman once blame her kids for splitting up her and her boyfriend...she couldn't see it from the perspective of the kids with all the men she was bringing into their lives. She went on to say to me...."you might be right <my name>. It's not rocket science woman 1
Assasda Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 You still care for Joe, or this wouldnt be an issue. So what you do is dont be with anyone for a while, and try to get over Joe
Author ChrisC81 Posted October 7, 2014 Author Posted October 7, 2014 You still care for Joe, or this wouldnt be an issue. So what you do is dont be with anyone for a while, and try to get over Joe I don't think it's that. I just don't want to be in a bad situation, and am surprised Rob gets the okay, but yet he talks bad about me when I have done nothing wrong to him. I am just confused if I should remove myself from the situation.
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 I don't think it's that. I just don't want to be in a bad situation, and am surprised Rob gets the okay, but yet he talks bad about me when I have done nothing wrong to him. I am just confused if I should remove myself from the situation. ah, i get way confused with names when they bounce about. as long as rob bad mouths you in front of ex, then it be so ex feels less threatened. Eventualy he will stop, but more likely will end his friendship, when it becomes too much for him to balance between his feelings and ex's. Though, if he does it to friends and yourself, then drop him and move on.
Author ChrisC81 Posted October 7, 2014 Author Posted October 7, 2014 (edited) @OP.....Please pardon me if I am wrong here, but he seems to me like you are one of those people that can't fathom being alone? In light of what has just happened, do you actually think what your kids need right now is another man in their lives i.e. a revolving door of men that aren't their dad? I mean those are strong words coming from you about "Joe's " ex, especially when it's from one woman to another. Perhaps it was karma that took place? "Rob" is only telling you what you want to hear, and as long as they are having beer together, I can assure you that things are being said....could it be you are being used as a pass around, and Rob wants his piece of the action before he does a runner like Joe? If you knew all this stuff you tell us about Joe, why then didn't you end up spending 4yrs of your life with him? This might NOT be what you want to hear, but I'll suggest you focus on your kids, find other stuff to keep yourself occupied and perhaps somehow if this is not already the case.....let the kids have a relationship with their bio father....if it is feasible and healthy. Jumping from one relationship to another for the fear of not wanting to be alone is NOT the solution, especially when kids are involved. I was listening to this one woman once blame her kids for splitting up her and her boyfriend...she couldn't see it from the perspective of the kids with all the men she was bringing into their lives. She went on to say to me...."you might be right <my name>. It's not rocket science woman That's kind of harsh. I am fine being alone. Me and my ex have been broken up for 6 months and I have enjoyed my alone time. I am not jumping into anything, and as I stated I have only hung out with this guy Rob. Nothing has happened. I havent even slept with anyone since my break up. My kids don't have men coming in and out, in fact Joe is the only man I have brought around them ever, and that is because it was a long term relationship. They do have a dad and that relationship with him is good. As far as me saying the thing I said about Joe's ex, I am sorry but she is crazy and has been waiting for us to break up so she can sink her claws into him. She has even befriended be and betrayed me in the past. Its a lot to get into, but she is not a good person and that's why I feel the way I do about her. I was just coming here for advice, not to have my character be put into question and be accused of having a strew of men in and out my of my life. I guess I came to the wrong place. Edited October 7, 2014 by MissChris0107
HappyLove Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 You're not over your ex, period. Your ENTIRE concern is why do you get treated this way and not his friend. Your focus is on how the ex treating you and NOT how good this new guy will be for you. Sounds like your ex's life is a sloppy mess and you should be distancing yourself from him AND his friends. Move on to someone who has no ties to your ex. I think you're stooping to dating the friend to get some attention from your ex after dumping you so horribly. Nowhere in your post do you say how wonderful the new guy is and WHY he would be worth all this trouble.
Elle1975 Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 As long as you are cautious (meaning don't jump in bed with him) and you don't hide the fact that you two are dating, why not. I just wouldn't do anything if it's kept a secret.
Recommended Posts