Enjaycee Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 (edited) My ex and I dated for two months. We fell in love fast, but she fell out of love quickly too because she felt like she couldn't trust me (I had a problem with chatting with women and confiding in other women about my problems that made me seem like I was being unfaithful to her. She had the same problems with her previous guy and saw the same things in me, and she did not want to go through that again). Right after she broke up with me, she started seeing another man and married him 2 months later, back on Labor Day weekend. I still love her, and she knows. To begin, yes, I am conversing with her mom and I am fully aware that talking to her is probably not the wisest decision, as it is possibly prolonging my healing, and that sticking around is not a wise decision either. Everyone tells me to get over her and move on and that I deserve better, but I am not ready to move on completely yet (I have tried dating other girls already, and I couldn't give them a fair chance because I was still thinking of my ex). I know I could leave this entire situation at any time and be done with it, but I choose to stay because of these signs that I see. I have sought to understand why we broke up and why she went and married this man so soon, and after having found out the truth in why things happened the way they did, and understanding why, as well as praying and reflecting and learning from my own mistakes during the time my ex and I were together, and even after what she has done, I still love her. We had an instant attractiveness and connection on our very first date, and she was someone who already displayed many characteristics of a loving wife that not many girls her age (she just turned 20 btw) do (loves cooking and cleaning, knows that she wants a husband and children instead of going to college and studying/partying, caretaker of the home, big on family, trustworthy and loyal, forgiving and caring, gives her whole heart to her man, and of course she is BEAUTIFUL to the point where I still hear stories about guys stalking and hitting on her). Had I not made the mistakes I made during our courtship and we were still together now, I probably would have proposed to her and married her by now instead of being left alone. I say this now, not knowing how I may feel later on: I still would take her back if she divorced this man soon and she has not had his children. Now that you know how I still feel, continuing on: She didn't tell me about her engagement and wedding because she didn't want to hurt my feelings, and she HATES drama (yes, she hated it that much that she neglected to tell me she was getting married on purpose). I found out through Facebook about her marriage (sifting through old comments of hers on my profile showed her last name changed and a profile pic of her and him, it really sucked finding out that way...). She claims to love him deeply and want to have his children someday, but it seems her actions are contradicting her words, and I have seen and heard things that made me decide to stick around, waiting to see what will come of this supposed happy marriage. It's only been a month since she married and moved into his apartment with him. Her mother has been giving me counsel since two days after the fact on the whole matter, since I was so devastated to have found out for myself that she had gotten married that weekend. Her and the rest of her family wished my ex didn't go through with the marriage so quickly without giving things time to heal and time to get to know him, do not trust the man she is married to, that I should have been the one she should have married instead, and think that this current marriage won't last and are hoping she will come to her senses sooner or later. Through conversations with with her mother and interactions between my ex and myself, I've been seeing signs that seem to show that my ex still cares about me even though she is married and that she may be starting to realize what a big mistake she has made (even though she refuses to admit it): -She has reached out to me to speak to me (through text) on 3-4 occasions already. All of those times, she had texted ME first. She would have to wait when her husband was away to message me. A married woman, who normally wouldn't be chatting with ex's, is talking to ME. -We have exchanged gifts in the short time we were dating. She got me an expensive knife and constructed me a bookshelf (she's a skilled woodworker). I had flowers delivered to her home on multiple occasions and bought her a chalk pouch (she likes rock climbing) as an early birthday present. I returned to her the presents she gave after we broke up. Her mom says she keeps the knife in her purse and has taken the bookshelf to he apartment as well as the chalk pouch. -The chalk pouch in particular, she apparently came to her mom's house after work to search for it to take with her back to her home. She hasn't actually gone rock climbing at all since then, but still wanted the pouch. Why did she take my present if she wasn't planning on going climbing any time soon? -I sent her flowers on her birthday, which was last week, as a gesture to let her know I still remembered. It came with a small card with a nice little poem. Her mom told me that she said she loved the flowers and was glad to have gotten them. She took them back to her apartment and put them on a table in their apartment and is taking care of them. She put the card in her purse and is supposedly still keeping it there. Her mother says that she normally would have been offended by such a gesture from an ex and would have thrown them away, but instead she accepted them lovingly. -Her mom tells me that her and her grandmother don't see her as truly happy. They ask her how she is doing and how she feels about him. She tells them that she loves him, but not in a way that a gushing, happy bride would excitedly talk about her brand new husband. Her mother tells me that they can see in her eyes that she isn't truly happy, despite her claims. -Her mother reported that they already have had minor arguments and that he has a temper and arrogance that gets the better of him from time to time. She tells me of several instances where it does. -He has made promises to take her traveling and other things and help pay for her school (she is going to go to college), and has not delivered on them. Her grandparents ended up paying for her college, he lost his job because of his temper and does not seem to care, and is making to quit college because he hates class so much (according to her mom, he got a job and started going to college so he could impress her, and he would stop doing that as soon as he married her). -Her new mother-in-law, apparently had hoped that he would become a better man after marrying her, i.e. not being lazy, not becoming entirely dependent on his Marine pension check for money, improving his temper, etc. Obviously that is not the case. -My ex apparently did not look up from the ground at her groom for a majority of the wedding ceremony, even when walking down the isle and exchanging the vows, and pictures that her mom showed me looked like she was hesitant and/or doubting her decision. Even her closest friends, who were her bridesmaids, tried to stop her from going through with getting married, and were more somber than excited for her at the wedding. It seems that the only ones who were really excited and happy at the wedding were the groom's family. Besides that, her mom just talks about how she doesn't trust her new husband and wishes her daughter would have listened to her instead of going against her whole family's wishes and marrying this man. She says that witnessing the recent actions of her daughter (texting me, keeping my gifts) is a huge sign that she still has feelings. I am skeptical because I don't think that is enough, and I am waiting for something huge, like a text saying "I miss you" or "I was wrong". I know she can't say that now, being married, but I believe, because of these signs, it is only a matter of time before something happens. If you have read this far, I thank you for taking the time to read my story. If you have advice for me on anything, whether it is on these signs I have seen or on the way I have been handling this situation so far (whether or not it was the smart thing to do), I am open to any and all comments and suggestions. Thank you. Edited October 7, 2014 by Enjaycee
Reels Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 She has started some serious part of her life now. Why you still have to bother about her? I understand, but it is certainly not useful.
StrangerThanFiction Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 I can't even begin to imagine your pain over this, especially when you had to find out through social media. But something you need to understand is that she's married now. To someone else. Maybe it was a mistake on her part to do so when she's still carrying hurt from your relationship, but this was her decision and I think it's really unfair of her family and friends not to support her. It's also unfair of you to be talking to her family about her relationship with her husband. It's not your business anymore. I don't mean to sound harsh, that's definitely not the tone I'm going for. This is just a potentially very messy situation in the making if you're not careful. If you interfere in her life and her marriage ends up ending because of it, she will end up resenting you for it. If you love her and refuse to move on from her, then the only option you really have is to back right off and go NC until such a time as her marriage may end. It has to be her decision, not one made for her by you or her family. If she truly decides she wants to be with you, then she will be. But the fact of the matter is that she is married now and you should not be talking to her family about her or sending her flowers. I'm sure she doesn't need that complication and it's holding back your own healing. Go NC and try to move on and better your own life. If she comes back, great. If not, then that's how it has to be. I know you hurt and you miss her, but you need to back off and separate yourself from this situation. Hanging on can only keep you hurting and miserable. Best of luck
travelbug1996 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Dude back off. let her come back on her own. you don't want to be the reason a marriage broke up. that may come back on you later. how old are you two?
darocksin2 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Hey there Enjaycee, your situation does seem very complicated. Have you sought any professional help yet? A marriage or family counselor might help you reorganize your priorities and reevaluate your options. I’ll be praying for you! Rb
Author Enjaycee Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 (edited) how old are you two? I am 22 and she just turned 20 last week. darocksin - I have not sought any professional help at all, I do not think that this is something that I really need to go see a counselor for. The best advice I believe I have gotten was from a coworker who had been in multiple similar situations in his life. He's 25. Edited October 9, 2014 by Enjaycee
dumbass2 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I am 22 and she just turned 20 last week. darocksin - I have not sought any professional help at all, I do not think that this is something that I really need to go see a counselor for. The best advice I believe I have gotten was from a coworker who had been in multiple similar situations in his life. He's 25. What advice is that?
Author Enjaycee Posted October 9, 2014 Author Posted October 9, 2014 What advice is that? That I should let the dust settle and that I should stop looking for and wanting to believe these supposed "signs" as indicators that she still has feelings... Yeah, should probably have been taking that advice by now...
dumbass2 Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 That I should let the dust settle and that I should stop looking for and wanting to believe these supposed "signs" as indicators that she still has feelings... Yeah, should probably have been taking that advice by now... All us dumpees try to find signs that our ex still wants us and we want to see something that tells us that she still cares and has feelings. "oh my god, she just did this and it must mean this" and THIS is what WE interpret and is probably 99.9% of the time not even close to what the other person is thinking. I did that after my break up and I'm still doing it today if I get something from her. The best thing is to eliminate all contact and I still have a hard time with that as well, but when you eliminate the possibility of any communication from her, then there is no misinterpreting anything. We self inflict this pain onto ourselves.
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