emotions or just hormones?

[meisje]

Okay, I think this is going to turn out to sound a little weird.. and very open, but I guess that's not unusual on an anonymous forum. I'll appreciate anyone's help on this, thanks!

 

So, the quick background is that I dated someone for almost 2 years, then he cheated on me. We tried to deal with it but it didn't work out and we broke up at the beginning of January. One of the problems we were having was that he was getting ill all the time. We never really found out what it was, but it was made greatly worse when he was nervous or worked up over something (therefore every time we tried to deal with our problems -- especially the cheating-- he got sick).

 

I never wanted the break up, I was the one who suggested trying to work through it, but he was supportive of that and wanted to try too. Anyway, after our last fight, we didn't speak for about 2 months and I've just recently contacted him (this past saturday) after seeing him at a bar unexpectedly.

 

Okay so that's the past, now the present problem/question is this:

 

When I spoke to him, things went well. We talked about work and trivial things like that for most of it, but at one point he mentioned that when he saw me at the bar he had an attack (from the illness previously mentioned). And that it was the first one in a while.

 

I really think that the solution to this is to spend MORE time with eachother rather than less. I think the past evidence had proven that giving eachother space -- and even full out ignoring eachother -- has not worked for fixing the illness. I feel as though the fact that he gets nervous around me is due to having the cheating problem unresolved... that he doesn't know what i'm thinking about him, or what will happen when we hang out (hence being nervous that something bad might happen), and I don't think that avoiding eachother will solve anything.

 

So somewhere in this twisted story I came out with the logic that sex is the answer.

 

I know that sounds completely irrational, and I even agree with that...

 

but moreso than ACTUALLY sleeping with him, I just mean being sexual, open and comfortable with him... to show him that there's nothing to be nervous about.

 

I also have been thinking that maybe this idea comes purely from be being horny/lonely lately... so maybe I just THINK that this is a good idea because I want to be with him intimately. Or maybe I don't want to be with HIM but just with someone and this seems like a way to do so... although, that being said, I find no one else appealing in this way, other than him so it's not like I just want to get laid by anyone.

 

Also there's the fact that if I sleep with him it will only be out of sexuality (in both our cases) and not emotions/feelings for eachother. I do still have feelings for him, but it could still end very awkwardly and then I'm worse off with him than I am right now.

 

Tell me if I'm crazy.

[d'Arthez]

Meisje,

 

Is he perhaps very religious? I am thinking he might have some issues with guilt. Otherwise his attacks and illnesses seem very strange. It might be something psychological.

 

Sex is never the solution to the problems you have now. Sex is just sex. And as long as the issue, that is at hand is not properly discussed, and closed, you cannot get back in the relationship with him. It's not something you (and especially he, it seems) can brush over.

 

Starting an arrangement as Friends with Benefits, in which you 2 have sex with each other, is hard to do. Emotions should not be involved with this, and that is hard after such a long relationship. Furthermore, it seems that it would not be something easy for him to handle. And if it ends wrong, you have a high chance to lose this friendship.

[meisje]

so then what is there to do?

 

I didn't necessarily mean going straight to having sex again, but just to be hanging out again, being comfortable with eachother, whether it turns into sex or not.

 

I think you're right about it being hard to not invest feelings into friends with benefits... though I've never been in that situation before, so I wouldn't know - so I'll take you're word on it.

 

So I don't really know what to do now, just let it go? Or should I be trying to hang out with him more?

 

To answer your question, he's not really religious, but I do very much think that it is a guilt thing. He did not have a relationship with the girl he cheated with, he only slept with her once and then stopped talking to her. He confessed to me a few months afterwards and said how sorry he was and how bad he felt.. it was all very emotional and dramatic, so I do believe that he felt bad and that is why we tried to work through it.

[d'Arthez]

The thing is, that as long as the guilt issue he seems to have is not resolved, the guilt will cloud your relationship. Be it friendship, or something romantic, or purely sexual.

 

Even in the friendship the guilt will return, and come to the foreground. Because it simply weighs so heavily on his mind. He blew it, he cheated on you, and these thoughts will come to the fore in his mind, when you two restore closeness.

 

Sadly there is little you can do, to make these issues disappear. Except for encouraging him to see a psychologist. Your closeness to him could actually be counter-productive for him and his health.

 

I would suggest keeping your distance, and suggesting him therapy. There is nothing much you can do for him .

By trying to improve your relationship now, with his guilt, you would be destroying him .

 

Sorry I can't see anything more positive for the both of you.

[moimeme]

Yup. Your theories on both ailment and cure are out to lunch, IMHO. He has some sort of anxiety disorder. Without treatment, these things rarely heal. There are true tales of actors who've been acting for years but still get sick every time they have to act. He needs a therapist, not a lay. And your idea that it'll be just sex will come back to bite you. We bond when we have sex and you already were a couple with this guy.

 

Really, don't do this. Save yourself.