Bachelor Party

[yourstruly]

Hi

Can you tell me if I should let this one go or hold this as a sign of his lack of love and care for me?

 

My husband and I discussed our bachelor parties. I cared about him going to a strip club and having lap dance and discussed with him why I did not feel comfortable with the idea and asked him not to do this. He wasnt too happy about complying but he said Ok and promised me he wouldnt go to a stripclub. He told me to trust him and that it wasnt a big deal to him to not go as it wasnt like his friends and him were into stripclubs and that I need to relax and trust him as he loves me and wouldnt hurt me. So, my fiance at the time knew I would be deeply hurt and upset if he went and esp if he got a lapdance and that it might even affect our marriage and us being together as I saw it as a sign of cheating. The party was not a big deal for him anyway or his friends because there was no best man, there was no set plan until the day of the event. It was like a boys night out/bachelor party. The reason there was no best man etc who planned it and wasnt a big deal for him and his friends is because he and I were going to go to our native country to get married and it is very different from a traditional Western wedding. There was a thread going around to bounce off ideas. When I saw this thread there was mention of a strip club and I confronted him and he said they were just joking around, his friends were just trying to make each other excited and I shouldnt take it to mean there was anything planned.

 

He called me once during the outing and said he was having fun, checking in on me for the night at 12am. I didn't pester him on where he was etc, just told him have fun as I presumed they were bar hopping which is what he told me. He came home at 4am which was expected. The next day, his phone is next to our bed and there is a text message alert, I glance at it and it is his friend replying to a text he sent saying you didnt tell anyone about the strip club did you? as my fiance (me) has been asking questions about the pictures we took. I had asked him about a plethora of pics his buddies took right outside the line of stripclubs in the street and posted those pics in instagram. Anyways I see the text and I get ****ing pissed off inside. I dont show this. I calmly ask him did he or did he not go to a stripclub as if I know. He then admits to me they did go to a stripclub. I ask him did he get a lapdance too and he tells me no. That a stripper went down on his lap and hopped on it for a sec because a lot of his friends were throwing dollar bills at her on stage but that was it. I am shocked and feel so betrayed. We had talked for hours about this and he had promised me that he didnt need to go to a strip club to celebrate his bachelor party, that it was in his past while he was in college that he went a few times and cant even remember last time he went and that his friends were also not the type to go, that I need to trust him etc. etc.

That really bothered me. We had a huge fight. He said he would not go to another strip club again in his life. He said that he had told his friends no strip club but in the heat of the moment when one of his friends in the bar started to complain its not a bachelor party without girls he gave in and said fu.ck it i will have an all out traditional bachelor party (as in strip club) once and then never do it again and went with it. That he didnt see the gravity of it as it was a normal tradition....but he knew how I felt about it and we agreed on something. I KNOW MY FIANCE AND I KNOW HE DIDNT CHEAT ON ME OR ANYTHING DUH...BUT HIS LIES AND LACK OF CARE FOR ME REALLY MADE ME ANGRY, SAD, HURT AND BETRAYED. TRUST WENT DOWN THE DRAIN FOR ME.

 

Now I have several problems with his story:

1. ----After weeks of stress for me thinking about the bachelor party, I kept at it and kept at it and asked him over and over again if he got a lapdance. Initial times he said no, and no and no again but after a lot of pestering, one time he looked at me striaght in my face with anger and said "yes. There. Is that what you wanted to hear. Nobody says the truth about their bachelor party 100percent. That he did get a lapdance and that yes he didnt tell me so as to not hurt me.That he was sorry about it and wouldnt ever go to another strip club." I got sooooo SHOCKED that he lied to me twice!I have zero trust in him now.Who does that? What kind of a man who is decent and loves their fiance lies TWICE and hurts them like that by doing something they agreed not to do knwoing it would devastate them? Is he even a decent guy who deserved my love if he can do this to me?

 

2. -----If he DID tell his friends no strip clubs as part of the plan for the night and it was a last minute decision then WHY were they on the same street as all the stripclubs, bar hopping? Why couldn't they have gone to another part of the city and go to bars there?His excuse was that there was an over bar in one of the bars there and everyone wanted to go there. But there are open bars elsewhere as well. It wasn't like he wasn't told of the plans and had to go along with it. He was part of the plan making process. Hell they all accumulated at his place first and then went together! It wasn't like he was blind and there was a set plan! It makes me think this was a preplaned idea that they would go and do it all and I was made a fool of! Me, the person who loves him and wants to spend the rest of my life with him...Because he wanted a few lapdances and strippers...OR IS HE NOT LYING?

 

3. -----How does our marriage and relationship look now that his friends know he has to lie to me and sneak behind my back. What kind of respect is that for me and our relationship that he tells his friends to not tell their gfs and me about the strippers.

 

His initial reaction was one of **** she found out and taking it lightly to okay I'm sorry but you also contributed to it by being too strict, I wont do it again so stop making it such a big deal. Thats my thoughts right now. Hope some people can shed some light.

Edited October 7, 2014 by yourstruly

[lollipopspot]

The next day, his phone is next to our bed and there is a text message alert, I glance at it and it is his friend replying to a text he sent saying you didnt tell anyone about the strip club did you?

 

I think the lying is the biggest problem. I think his values are also not very compatible with yours. I know there are people here who think every guy is into strip clubs, pornography, and other aspects of the sex industry, but I know for a fact that's not true. My guy does not want to participate in the sex industry, not knowing the situation of those women, and also because I fulfill him sexually. He doesn't want a paid fantasy, it's not him. Now, your reasons are different than mine for not wanting a guy who goes to strip clubs, but they're your reasons.

 

Your guy doesn't see anything wrong with the industry, and he also is willing to lie to you and have his friends be complicit in it. Now, no one's perfect and everyone lies sometimes, but this was made into a big deal before it happened and he went ahead with it, so that's a problem. If he wanted to do it, he would have had more integrity by just admitting and telling you that's what he was going to do and not lying about it, and letting the chips fall.

 

If he wants to visit strip clubs and be a bachelor, he can do that, it's his choice. There are also women who share his values who might be more compatible with him. I don't know that you're a great match, honestly.

 

Do you have other issues? I would have to figure that he will lie in the future if he wants to do something, rather than just standing his ground and being honest. I'd rather know my incompatibilities with someone rather than have them lie to me. If they're honest we may (or may not) be able to come to a compromise. If they lie to placate me, and make their friends complicit, then the relationship isn't very honest.

[Mr. Lucky]

His initial reaction was one of **** she found out and taking it lightly to okay I'm sorry but you also contributed to it by being too strict, I wont do it again so stop making it such a big deal. Thats my thoughts right now. Hope some people can shed some light.

 

You have two separate issues here, don't confuse them:

 

1). Strip clubs, porn, etc. - A divisive issue for many couples. As is your right, you see it as cheating, he obviously does not. You'll need to work this out.

 

2). Lying - To me, far more serious. You fiance doesn't regret lying to you, he's sorry he got caught. It was obviously his intention to go to the strip club all along and to lie to you about it, sins of both omission and commission.

 

Don't see how you can ever trust him. At the least, I'd delay the wedding pending the results of MC...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SawtoothMars]

His initial reaction was one of **** she found out and taking it lightly to okay I'm sorry but you also contributed to it by being too strict, I wont do it again so stop making it such a big deal. Thats my thoughts right now. Hope some people can shed some light.

 

Seriously... chill out. It's just a strip club. I read this and the biggest issue in your relationship is the fact that you are massively controlling! You had HOUR long discussions about this in advance? What a giant waste of time.

 

I mean look... if this is some raging moral issue for you, then it should have been clear long before you married him that strip clubs are not that big of a deal to his opinion. You had plenty of time to back out and get another guy, but you didn't. That means it's your job to come to terms with the guy as he is... NOT what you want to change him into.

[Mr. Lucky]

I read this and the biggest issue in your relationship is the fact that you are massively controlling!

 

You feel that asking your spouse not to go to strip clubs and get lap dances (you know what they're designed to do, right?) is being "massively controlling"?

 

Too bad the OP doesn't get the same right to disapprove you exercise in approving...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Got it]

OP - a lot of issues here right now. I agree, he is sorry he got caught, not sorry necessarily he went.

 

I agree that this may be a deal breaker for you two because his lying is massively disrespectful towards you. If he stood by that he wanted to go to a club, was honest on it, that would have been one thing. But he tried to pacify you, lied to you and now is dealing with the s%it storm that he wants to avoid.

 

I would call off the wedding, tell him you want couples counseling, and you two work through the bigger communication and conflict resolutions issues you are dealing with.

 

You have to accept, this is who he is, and this is a coping mechanism for you. Is this acceptable for you?

 

Right now his word is mud and that is totally on him.

[Elliotte]

I agree with what everyone has said so far, the lying in particular is very troubling, and a clear indicator that things need to be slowwwwed down and figured out better in the relationship.

 

You two need to figure out why he felt the need so strongly to go to a strip club and that he has to lie to the woman he is supposed to respect the most.

 

I am trying to relate to why he would want to go behind your back; I've gone to strip clubs in my early twenties, I was awkward as a teen and didn't date much, so once I was legally able I went to strip clubs a on and off with friends. After awhile of dating and relationships, I gained the confidence of knowing I didn't need to go somewhere seedy, and pay money in order to have see a woman naked and have her rub against me. As soon as I had gained that confidence, my interest in strip clubs dissappeared and I had no urge to go to one by the time I got married.

 

But it seems like a lot of people still lack that confidence before getting married, and feel the strong urge to have one last titillation before they're "off the market". I am not really sure these types of folks are completely ready to be physically and emotionally exclusive to one person, I've seen relationships fail because the regret people felt for not having some time dating around overrode their need to respect their partners.

 

On the one hand, no one is ever 100% ready for that commitment and even after you've both said "I do", you'll both be struggling to figure out how a life long relationship works, everyone does! But the fact that he wanted to get a lap dance so bad that he would lie repeatedly to your face, while you had already made it plainly clear to him that you'd feel very disrespected by it, is troubling. Your stance about other women grinding against your significantly other is completely reasonable, everyone has their line, do not feel like you need to "be less prude" because others feel more lax about it.

 

I'd take the time and effort to figure out if you can learn to trust that he is over that and won't lie to you again, if you learn you cannot trust him again and he doesn't show he is completely willing to change, it's time to move on without him.

[Davey L]

I Can sympathise with him a bit here. I Don't know all the context of course but I react badly to being told I mustn't do something, having boundaries defined unilaterally by the wife. And after what you say was hours of discussion he may well have had the attitude that he couldn't be bothered with the argument, ignored your directive and done it anyway, avoiding further hours of confrontation by concealing it from you. Remember it's not really an agreement if you just wear him down in an argument by just going on and on about it for hours.

If he's feeling a bit under the thumb or hen-pecked he may just do something like this to rebel a bit and feel a bit better about himself.

 

I might be wrong of course but ask yourself if you usually push him to comply with all your instructions.

[SawtoothMars]

You feel that asking your spouse not to go to strip clubs and get lap dances (you know what they're designed to do, right?) is being "massively controlling"?

Too bad the OP doesn't get the same right to disapprove you exercise in approving...

Mr. Lucky

 

I think that attempting to control your spouses behavior is by definition controlling.

 

There are plenty of guys out there who don't like strip clubs. Why not marry one of them instead?

[Poppygoodwill]

I think that attempting to control your spouses behavior is by definition controlling.

 

There are plenty of guys out there who don't like strip clubs. Why not marry one of them instead?

 

There's a huge difference between trying to control someone's behaviour for the sake of being in control, which is what you're implying, and having firmly held principles that you feel very strongly about, and asking that they be respected by your partner.

 

Relationships are about compromise. If you've been in one, then you know that at times, if it's serious enough, you have to choose your partner's happiness because *it means so much to them* that to choose your wishes over their feelings would be a sign that you just don't care or respect them enough.

 

If she said to him as clearly as this that she really can't accept that behaviour, and he clearly understood and compromised and promised he wouldn't do it....and then did it anyhow....then it's on him. He agreed to her wishes, and then broke his promise. It doesn't matter what her wishes were; he broke his promise. then lied and tried to hide it.

 

Not a promising start.

Edited October 7, 2014 by Poppygoodwill

[d0nnivain]

Are you already married? If so, try to get past the strip club part but get some counseling about the lying.

 

If you haven't walked down the aisle yet, RUN don't walk to a counselor.

 

One visit to a strip club for a bachelor party & the lie to cover it up because he knew you were going to go off your rails about it might not be the best reason to end a marriage but it does merit long, deep conversations & a hard look at how much you respect each other.

[SawtoothMars]

There's a huge difference between trying to control someone's behaviour for the sake of being in control, which is what you're implying, and having firmly held principles that you feel very strongly about, and asking that they be respected by your partner.

Relationships are about compromise. If you've been in one, then you know that at times, if it's serious enough, you have to choose your partner's happiness because *it means so much to them* that to choose your wishes over their feelings would be a sign that you just don't care or respect them enough.

If she said to him as clearly as this that she really can't accept that behaviour, and he clearly understood and compromised and promised he wouldn't do it....and then did it anyhow....then it's on him. He agreed to her wishes, and then broke his promise. It doesn't matter what her wishes were; he broke his promise. then lied and tried to hide it.

Not a promising start.

 

I'm surprised that I have to keep coming back to this thread. You are of course correct that compromise is required in relationships.

 

She states that they spent "Hours" discussing this... and then goes on to list a laundry list of things guys would say to avoid further conflict after 10 hours of straight bitching and nagging. I don't see her compromising at all. Where did she compromise?

[lollipopspot]

I think that attempting to control your spouses behavior is by definition controlling.

 

There are plenty of guys out there who don't like strip clubs. Why not marry one of them instead?

 

He could also have been a real man (or woman, doesn't matter the gender, but this is the cultural view) and come out and said what he was going to do or did, not lied and tried to hide it. Then she would know what she was dealing with. The lying is the worst part of what he did, don't know why you're trying to excuse it. It's a problem.

[lollipopspot]

I'm surprised that I have to keep coming back to this thread.

 

Why is that? You're supposed to speak and then we all say, "Yeah, Sawtooth is right, discussion over." Not everyone agrees with you.

[Minnie09]

My experience: If you " forgive" an incident of disrespect (which it is) once or twice, then these incidences will increase and become more frequent.

He knows he did something "wrong", that's why he did another thing that was "wrong", i.e. tell a lie, and the next (wrong) thing on his part will be this: OP wants to discuss, he will shut down and stonewall her, because he feels guilty and will feel a little bit better if he blameshifts and ignores. Therefore, he will call her unreasonable and controlling, and in his mind she should get over it, because he really actually didn't do anything other that protect HER, because she would have been "upset" otherwise. That's the littel tale he will spin in his own head, in order to make her feel worse and himself better, and at some point he will believe his own crap. And he will roll his eyes and tell her, "Can we please not talk about this anymore? You have to get over it already. It did not DO anything."

 

Soooooo.......OP will, at the end of the day, feel like he's not taking her seriously, which he really doesn't, so her feelings are justified, and for this very reason, I would personally not marry the guy, and if they are already married....hmmmmmm........I would give him a taste of his own medicine, one way or another, but I would most probably feel very resentful for a very long time. What else can there be in a marriage if there cannot be respect?

[Mr. Lucky]

I think that attempting to control your spouses behavior is by definition controlling.

So in order to not be controlling, you'd let your spouse have a sexual encounter with someone else? Because that's what a (semi) nude woman grinding your crotch (sometimes to point of ejaculation) is considered to be.

 

There are plenty of guys out there who don't like strip clubs. Why not marry one of them instead?

 

Based on this, she thought she was:

 

he said Ok and promised me he wouldnt go to a stripclub. He told me to trust him and that it wasnt a big deal to him to not go as it wasnt like his friends and him were into stripclubs and that I need to relax and trust him as he loves me and wouldnt hurt me.

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

So he was taken to the upstairs area where there is individual rooms for lapdances. He got one there in a dark room as you say and alone. At least thats what I know. Maybe there was more I havent been told. I dont really want to know if she was nude or gstring or if it was 1 dance or 5 dances bought for him I dont know. I will never know.

 

The rules about nudity & alcohol vary by state & who knows whether the club owners & dancers adhere to the law.

 

I'm troubled by your statement that you will never know. This is bothering you so much that you have to talk to your man & get the truth. The whole ugly truth. Only then will you be able to move forward from the lies he told you about not going at all.

 

However, since you feel so strongly about these kinds of activities & spend so much time pestering him about it before hand you are going to have to work doubly hard during this discussion to maintain your composure. Despite how upset & hurt you are, if you continue to freak out on him he'll never tell you anything, let alone the truth. You have to give him a safe space to come clean & to discuss his choices calmly. If you go crazy, he will spend your entire marriage hiding stuff from you.

[drr6]

It's also perfectly possible he honestly had no plan to go to a strip club. I'm imagining that after a few drinks, his friends pressed for it.

Worth talking over.

But yeah hours of dictating to him does not sound like compromise either.

[Amaze 2000]

I’m very sorry you are facing significant challenges in your marriage. If you haven’t done so, may I suggest you see a marriage counselor? It might make a huge difference in working through all of this. Do you think your husband would be willing to do so?

 

Amaze

[Eggplant]

Seriously... chill out. It's just a strip club. I read this and the biggest issue in your relationship is the fact that you are massively controlling! You had HOUR long discussions about this in advance? What a giant waste of time.

 

I mean look... if this is some raging moral issue for you, then it should have been clear long before you married him that strip clubs are not that big of a deal to his opinion. You had plenty of time to back out and get another guy, but you didn't. That means it's your job to come to terms with the guy as he is... NOT what you want to change him into.

If it's no such a small deal, then why did he have to go, knowing how much it would betray is STB wife's trust?

[angie2443]

OP, I don't think you can compromise on this. You're either going to be fine with your partner going to strip clubs, or it's going to hurt you and eat away at your feelings for your spouse. Most women I know now wouldn't be fine with it at all. Most women I know now are married with kids. Their husband's aren't the kind to out much without their wives or kids. For the most part, they've replaced the bars and other non family places with game nights, scouts, the kid's football games, ect.

 

Now, when I was in my early twenties, I knew a lot of girls who were'nt bothered (or at least said they weren't bothered) by their boyfriends going to strip clubs. To be fair, these girls had guy friends they hung out with, many times without the boyfriends, plenty of activities they did without their boyfriends, and mostly weren't seriously invested in their boyfriends. This was normal because they were young, their boyfriends were young, and they weren't, for the most part, looking at each other as the person they were going to build a life with. Things change when you start building a life with someone and investing your time, energy, and emotion in that person.

Edited October 8, 2014 by angie2443

[beatcuff]

So in order to not be controlling, you'd let your spouse have a sexual encounter with someone else?

 

YES. if that is what they want. then you can decide if that is acceptable.

 

far to many persons on this board appear to treat their S as a child 'trust but verify' with demands to passwords etc. this leads only to sneaking around. surprise --- SOP when suspecting an A is not to talk rather to snoop on the sneak. great way to live.

 

would an open and honest relationship be preferable. then each S can make an informed decision.

[Mr. Lucky]

would an open and honest relationship be preferable. then each S can make an informed decision.

Not sure if you've read the whole thread, they did discuss it in advance. He agreed he wouldn't go (strip club/lap dance) and then lied about it afterwards.

 

I'm assuming the last part isn't what you mean by "open and honest"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Got it]

YES. if that is what they want. then you can decide if that is acceptable.

 

far to many persons on this board appear to treat their S as a child 'trust but verify' with demands to passwords etc. this leads only to sneaking around. surprise --- SOP when suspecting an A is not to talk rather to snoop on the sneak. great way to live.

 

would an open and honest relationship be preferable. then each S can make an informed decision.

 

But that didn't happen. The OP's fiancee was not being open and honest in his communications and I suspect his intentions. They are allowed to agree to disagree but he has to be truthful on what he is going to do. So if he says he agrees and will/won't do x, y, and z then he needs to hold to his word.

[Arieswoman]

This article makes some good points to ponder...

 

 

Why Strippers at a Bachelor/Bachelorette Party Set the Wrong Tone for Marriage | Being a Beautiful Mess