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i just want to vent, really to anybody who has some input

chrisftw

By chrisftw
in General Relationship Discussion

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chrisftw Established Member

chrisftw

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I don't want to draw this out. i just want to talk to anybody who has an open ear and this community has always been a source for me to confide into. we're all here for a reason.

 

but i'm heartbroken for the first time in 12 years tears run down my face. and i feel its all my fault. because the reality is it is all my fault.

 

she was ready to give up everything for me. fiance, job her old life for me and my past clouded my judgment for so many years made me bitter for so long that i couldn't see what was in front of my face.

 

and it made her cry many times and it broke my heart every time she did. in the end i wasn't giving her the love she wanted and so she went back to her fiance. i asked her about her guy she said they were working through things. and then i asked her if she's gonna put the ring on again and the conversation got emotionally tense. she didn't want to talk about it because it was to difficult.

 

i ask her why no second chance for me and she didn't really have a good answer but the reality is i know that its because she doesn't want to take the chance of me being uncertain down the road. and her having nothing to go back to. which is also a character fault on her part but i understand.

 

so she's going back to something with history and she's comfortable which she actually said word for word. i wanted to say so much on the phone but all i could say was sorry for calling and she stopped me from hanging up asking does this mean goodbye? why does this have to be goodbye why not till next time?

 

but honestly this sacrifice is for her because she'll never truly be able to reconcile 100% if i stay in the picture.

 

and so i let her go. watching her walk away from me tears in my eyes. a heavy weight on my heart but she deserve a love she couldn't get with me. she said she wished i was like this when she was ready for me. then i apologized for coming between them. and she said she wasn't she said she wanted it to happen and it needed to happen.

 

and now i go no contact not to get her back. but to get over her. move on. pretend that i'm ok. i just wish things could have been so different.

 

but they aren't. it is what it is.

 

tldr: i'm heartbroken, girl gave me her all was going to leave her old life behind. I was to jaded to see what i had and now i've lost it. and she's gone back to her old life.

MrMeh Established Member

MrMeh

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I think you have bigger issues. Work on yourself before pervading into another relationship and make sure she also isn't engaged! Also,a syntax and grammar course would help.

Raena Established Member

Raena

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Ugh, really? Someone comes here looking for help and the grammar/spelling nazi steps in?

 

OP, if it was meant to be, it would have been. Let her go. She wasn't willing to take a chance with you then just just let her go.

 

Who gets engaged and then starts dating someone new anyway? Doesn't THAT say something about her or is there more to the story?

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chrisftw Established Member

chrisftw

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Ugh, really? Someone comes here looking for help and the grammar/spelling nazi steps in?

 

OP, if it was meant to be, it would have been. Let her go. She wasn't willing to take a chance with you then just just let her go.

 

Who gets engaged and then starts dating someone new anyway? Doesn't THAT say something about her or is there more to the story?

 

No you have the whole story. She emotionally cheated on her fiancé with me for almost an entire year. And when she did break it off she hit me hard and heavy. But she still talked to him. There were some dates where she didn't even realize she had her engsgment ring on still.

 

How could I not be cautious. Anyway within 2 months she started the slow process to distance herself from me which came to a climax 8 months after her break up with her fiancé.

salparadise Established Member

salparadise

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No you have the whole story. She emotionally cheated on her fiancé with me for almost an entire year. And when she did break it off she hit me hard and heavy. But she still talked to him. There were some dates where she didn't even realize she had her engsgment ring on still.

 

How could I not be cautious. Anyway within 2 months she started the slow process to distance herself from me which came to a climax 8 months after her break up with her fiancé.

 

Two people playing their pain and injury off each other. She's not capable of being in a committed relationship... and neither are you. You need to heal and concentrate on becoming a man who can open his heart and entire being, then wait for a woman who is capable of the same.

 

Relationships are hard enough when both people are healthy, rational and clear of previous entanglements. Do the work and learn love yourself enough to give happiness a real chance.

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chrisftw Established Member

chrisftw

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Two people playing their pain and injury off each other. She's not capable of being in a committed relationship... and neither are you. You need to heal and concentrate on becoming a man who can open his heart and entire being, then wait for a woman who is capable of the same.

 

Relationships are hard enough when both people are healthy, rational and clear of previous entanglements. Do the work and learn love yourself enough to give happiness a real chance.

 

You say she's not able to be in a committed relationship. But she is in one just not with me. She's back with her fiancé. And for all intents and purposes it looks like it's steadily going well.

 

Although nothing in their relationship has really changed which leads me to believe at some point in time history will repeat itself.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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You say she's not able to be in a committed relationship. But she is in one just not with me. She's back with her fiancé. And for all intents and purposes it looks like it's steadily going well.

 

Although nothing in their relationship has really changed which leads me to believe at some point in time history will repeat itself.

 

You are grieving. Allow yourself to grieve. Don't look back, move forward in your life. If you don't do this properly, history will repeat itself through you.

kjohn Established Member

kjohn

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When we are heartbroken over the end of a relationship, we tend to glorify how good the relationship actually was. We focus so hard on the things that we think we are losing, that we completely block out all the bad stuff and can't really see the relationship for what it actually was.

 

I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly right now. I've been there. It sucks.

 

There are several things that you posted, that were huge red flags for me...

 

she was ready to give up everything for me. fiance, job her old life for me and my past clouded my judgment for so many years made me bitter for so long that i couldn't see what was in front of my face.

 

When I read this I was shocked! Um….fiance'?? If she had a fiancé what the heck was she doing with you in the first place? Right off, she doesn't sound like a very nice person to me.

 

in the end i wasn't giving her the love she wanted and so she went back to her fiance.

 

She didn't get what she wanted from you so she went back to him = selfish.

 

i ask her why no second chance for me and she didn't really have a good answer but the reality is i know that its because she doesn't want to take the chance of me being uncertain down the road. and her having nothing to go back to. which is also a character fault on her part but i understand.

 

Yes…a very big character fault!! Leading two guys on to see which one of them will give her what she wants first and always making sure she has a backup plan? You are better off without her! You'll see that in time.

 

so she's going back to something with history and she's comfortable which she actually said word for word. i wanted to say so much on the phone but all i could say was sorry for calling and she stopped me from hanging up asking does this mean goodbye? why does this have to be goodbye why not till next time?

 

Really, this tells you everything you need to know about her. She's leaving you for now because you couldn't give her what she wanted, she's going back to him because she kept him hanging on as her backup plan the whole time, but she still wants to continue to see you???? Get out now and stay out! You deserve better than this.

 

but honestly this sacrifice is for her because she'll never truly be able to reconcile 100% if i stay in the picture.

 

Good for you!!

 

tldr: i'm heartbroken, girl gave me her all was going to leave her old life behind. I was to jaded to see what i had and now i've lost it. and she's gone back to her old life.

 

She absolutely, positively DID NOT give you her all! She gave you the part that she wasn't giving to her fiancé. You had to share her. You don't deserve to be somebody's second choice or backup plan.

 

Allow yourself time to be alone and to heal from this heartbreak. Then find yourself a real woman with morals who will truly give you 100% of herself because you deserve to be the one AND ONLY man in her life.

 

You say she's not able to be in a committed relationship. But she is in one just not with me.

 

Don't kid yourself. She is not in a committed relationship with the fiancé! She told you she still wanted to see you even though she was going back to him! This girl is not a nice person. Let him deal with her. You win on this one by walking away!!!

 

You deserve better than this.

 

I know it doesn't seem like it right now because your heart it broken and your wounds are fresh, but one day I hope that you will be able to look back on this relationship and realize it wasn't all you were cracking it up to be, simply for the fact that she is a very selfish person who was playing with the hearts of two men for her own selfishness.

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chrisftw Established Member

chrisftw

Posted
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When we are heartbroken over the end of a relationship, we tend to glorify how good the relationship actually was. We focus so hard on the things that we think we are losing, that we completely block out all the bad stuff and can't really see the relationship for what it actually was.

 

I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly right now. I've been there. It sucks.

 

yes it does suck. and you're right.

 

I have this path in front of me. I just took a new job at one of the nations top universities doing all their marketing and graphic design materials. I'm about to graduate next semester from college. and i went late to. i'm 32, this girl who broke my heart just turned 24 on september 6th. but even with this success in front of me. I find it so hard to be happy right now.

 

i try to look back and see signs that i missed or maybe saw but overlooked and i came up with a few pretty big red flags.

 

She cheated on her Fiance with me.

 

when she broke up with her fiance she came at me a little to heavy. Naturally because she wanted to fill the hole she created. I wanted her to be single for a little bit and we could finally take it slow.

 

She never stopped talking to her fiance to give us an ACTUAL chance.

 

Come to find she also cheated on all her boyfriends before moving onto the next one. that's exactly how she met her current fiance.

 

she's got very low self esteem and she was always worried i would cheat on her. (which is a worry a cheater has)

 

She hated all my girlfriends ESPECIALLY ones that were prettier than her. she told me all i can think of when you're with them is you having sex with them and kissing them.

 

these are just a few of what i remember. she and I got a long great and made a good team. she confided in me though and she's got a lot of family issues and no father figure since age 12. i think that plays a huge factor.

 

she had abandonment issues which is probably why she branch swings to the next guy instead of breaking up, being single and then getting back into the dating scene.

 

for some reason though i feel at some point she'll text me. this isn't our first fallout but its the worst one. she always tried to keep me as close as she could despite attempting to reconcile with her fiance. that alone tells me she has no respect for him even now. or me.

 

thanks for your kind words.

Edited by chrisftw
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