What do you think are the most common ways guys deal with breakups?

[coralsmith]

Recently a male friend of mine dumped his girlfriend. He lives in a different city so I haven't seen him yet, but it's occurred to me that I don't have much experience of how many handle breakups.

 

I have plenty of experience through myself and my friends on the general ways women can cope with it.

 

So, indulge me and imagine the following scenario;

 

A guy is going out with a girl for several months. He really likes her, things are great, he shares things with her and grows closer to her than he has ever done with anyone else. He thinks he might even be falling in love with her.

 

However timing isn't good at the moment - he's not in the career he wants/ isn't settled/ wants to go travelling.

 

Plus he's had a bad experience in the past and is scared of being hurt again.

 

bad timing combined to the fact he is scared she'll bail, he dumps her.

My question is - from personal experience/observations; what do you think the most likely behaviours he will exhibit?

 

The guy I am basing this on showed signs of not being over the breakup several months down the line after it had happened.

 

Surprisingly, he did not go on a sleeping around rampage afterwards, though he had down this quite a lot before dating this girl - so that eliminates that behaviour!

Edited October 6, 2014 by coralsmith

[mightycpa]

I've never known a guy like that. That sounds more like a woman.

[h20-50]

I've never known a guy like that. That sounds more like a woman.

 

Agreed here!

 

Guys aren't emotional creatures. When we get those deep emotions they can scare us, especially if they come on strong or suddenly. This tends to wane with age.

 

I know when I was younger my emotions for a girl would freak me out simply because I didn't know how to deal/control/understand them. As I got older I realized what they were and how to handle them. It seems to be a maturity issue than a gender issue, but I would say guys tend to suffer this emotional confusion in a different manner than a female would.

[Natsu21]

First relationship, I was an emotional mess.

 

Now i'm emotionally unavailable. Happens with age.

[Seraque]

I've never known a guy like that. That sounds more like a woman.

 

 

So what would a guy in this situation be doing? I'm very curious. Pretty much just go about his normal life and try to get laid again?

[blackcat777]

I'd be interested in hearing more from guys about how they get freaked out about their emotions and what that experience is like, if no one minds enlightening me.

[CT98]

I remember during my first ever break up I couldn't believe anyway could fell the way I did, I felt absolutely terrible, it was actually a scary experience.

 

I'm now on break up No.3 and when I'm feeling like crap I know why I feel that way and I know it will eventually pass. Which makes it easier.

 

I am a very emotional man though, and I think that I feel emotions more like a woman does. I think this is because I've always been closer to my mum than my dad and I've been with her through some of the horrible relationship experiences she's had, being cheated on, being physically abused; stuff that as a child is bound to affect the way you grow emotionally.

[BikerAccnt]

Those guys that say men aren't emotional creatures are talking crap. OR, they are trying to talk themselves into believing that so that they hurt less.

 

A breakup hurts. Period. Regardless of if you are the dumpee, or the dumper. It's something that failed, for whatever reason.

 

That said, I think the big difference in how we deal with a breakup is our support network. Most women have lots of friend to talk things thru with, who will stand by her and support her. We guys, don't. We have friends, but you seldom talk deep stuff with them. I think it's kind of sad myself.

 

So we stew on it ourselves, or on message boards, and try to convince ourselves we are hard asses with no emotion and "I'm fine." Some engage in self destructive behaviors to cope, others bury themselves in work. I don't think that aspect is that much different than what women do.

 

Some will go out and date right away, figuring that a new woman will help forget the old, others won't and will take time to process things. Each is different, just like women.

 

I'm going thru a breakup, and it hurts, bad. Worse than I would have thought. For me, I think about it a lot, what went wrong, what my part in it was (and there certainly were my parts) how I can improve and not do those things again. AND, in about a month, I will make myself start to date again. If I don't, I'll just sit here and wallow in self pity. Not a pretty sight.

 

I would like to get back together with her but, she made her choice, and we both have to live with it. I'm not going to chase someone who has opted me out of her life. That's not me. I spent years after a failed live-in relationship doing that. Wasted way too much time and I'm too old to do that again.

 

 

So, to your point, guys have emotions, and we all handle things differently.

[coralsmith]

I've never known a guy like that. That sounds more like a woman.

 

A guy like what? I described a scenario, not a guy?

[carhill]

What do you think are the most common ways guys deal with breakups?

 

Get plowed

 

Shoot up a bunch of targets or some other expression of aggression

 

Gladhand male friends about all women being bitches

 

Use a few ladies as test dummies for reasserting his male ego

 

Life goes on.

[Frank2thepoint]

Surprisingly, he did not go on a sleeping around rampage afterwards

 

Facepalm. It's just sad this is the perception women have of men.

 

 

To answer your scenario, my educated guess would be the boy is emotionally immature, therefore he would break off the relationship in an immature way. Whether the slow fade or suddenly drop off the earth.

[Redhead14]

There is no way to predict how a man or a woman will behave after a break up. If they are mature, they will handle it with dignity, allow themselves to process the break up and continue to make themselves happy.

 

If they are holding grudges, anger, etc. carried over from previous relationships, they will behave in a myriad of ways and all unhealthy.

 

Someone said above, that men are not emotional creatures. That is not true. Men do have and experience all the emotions that women do. They, however, have been conditioned by parents, society, etc. to control them and sometimes push them down. They simply aren't as demonstrative about them. If a woman feels this way about men, they aren't respecting them. If a man doesn't feel respected, he will respond in ways that are difficult for a woman to understand at least. They are often a little more black and white -- if it isn't working or making them happy, they drop it. They don't make excuses for the other person and try to change them to fit their model, etc.

 

The man in the scenario you presented, did the right thing and the woman needs to respect his position. He could have continued to see her with all the difficulties and stress he was experiencing and having his sights on goals for himself, but they both would have been miserable. The fact that it is perceived that he dumped her because he was a afraid she would bail, is irrelevant. He didn't want to be with her enough to try to work through everything, plain and simple. Either it's there or it isn't.

 

How a woman or a man behaves after a break up, often depends on how the person they broke up with handles the break up as well.

[h20-50]

Those guys that say men aren't emotional creatures are talking crap. OR, they are trying to talk themselves into believing that so that they hurt less.

 

 

That's completely false. I'm not talking myself into believing anything. I was overwhelmed with emotions that I didn't know how to deal with or even understand. I know A LOT of guys are like this. It took me time to understand what I was feeling, by nature I'm typically not an emotional person (not that I don't have them). It took me growing up and maturing to fully understand this. If you read a lot of the stories on here you will see just that, guys that get freaked out and don't know how to handle their emotions. Nothing crap about it.

[stillafool]

The male friends I've known who went through breakups were hurt at first, talked a little bit about it, got drunk and then within a week or so seemed to move on. The one thing I do remember is they didn't sit at home around the phone but got out and did things. Sooner rather than later they had another gf.

[mav3rik]

Most of my friends are married, and where I am at divorce is not legal. So they usually find a way to work things out.

 

But, before they were married, they usually hang out with the rest of the gang a lot, drink a lot, go to clubs, and talk about their failed relationship. so i guess, it's a little different depending on what culture you grew up on.

[Redhead14]

Agreed here!

 

Guys aren't emotional creatures. When we get those deep emotions they can scare us, especially if they come on strong or suddenly. This tends to wane with age.

 

I know when I was younger my emotions for a girl would freak me out simply because I didn't know how to deal/control/understand them. As I got older I realized what they were and how to handle them. It seems to be a maturity issue than a gender issue, but I would say guys tend to suffer this emotional confusion in a different manner than a female would.

 

h20-50, men are emotional, just not demonstrative or dramatic, etc. And you are right, usually when a man experiences a strong emotion, fear kinda takes over and they will pull away in order to process them. This is something women don't often understand. When they sense that a man is pulling away, they will assume the worst or feel like they should getter closer, etc., when in fact, they should give them space. The man will close up the space when he is ready. If they don't close up the space, well . . .

 

Women do it too sometimes and it's a maturity thing too as you say. Stepping back on any situation that involves emotions allows for rationale to set in. Deal with the situation rationally rather than going off, as they say.

[SoThatHappened]

When I got my heart ripped out, I went into my "man cave."

 

Drank a lot.

 

Cried here and there (and I'm not a sensitive/emotional person).

 

Never let on that I was a wreck inside.

 

Kept myself glued to this forum.

 

Drank some more.

 

Kept myself as busy as I could, but the knot in my gut kept me from fully doing a lot of physical exercise.

 

Once the knot left (almost 4 months after the breakup), I started functioning normally again.

 

I'd say men are just as emotional, but we let things leak out instead of pour out. Just the way most of us have been conditioned.

[NopeNah]

Drink, workout and hang with my mate's while hiding how I'm feeling. At first I'll talk with some closer friends who have been through it, but then I stop. I don't want to appear 'weak' or hung up over it.