what is going on here?

[Lola2609]

Hi guys,

 

I have a question about the guy I am seeing.

He was very persistent and I agreed to see him. He is very nie and a perfect gentleman. We have been going out for two months and haven't had sex yet.

One night we had a discussion (via texts) about us. I accused him of something. He was drunk and said something like " I don't see any reason for you to be with me except for my selfish desire". M (my ex bf) was much better choice for you". I didn't take it seriously and replied " oh well, I've made my choice".

The next day he acted as nothing had happened and we kept making plans to hang out.

 

Recently, he told me he doesn't want to hurt me (and likes me a lot) and that he is bad in relationships.

Is he saying he won't commit to me?

 

More info about him:

He has issues and told me that. His fiancee cheated on him (it was long time ago though).

He hasn't been with anyone for the last 3 years and being now with me is a big thing for him.

Thanks

[d0nnivain]

Stop having "conversations" through text. Talk to each other especially about the important stuff.

 

It's only been two months. Not every body falls into bed that fast.

 

If you like him keep dating him. If he still stays stuff about others being better for you, call him on but talk about it before you run away in defeat.

[Lola2609]

Thanks for the reply. Well, I am more concerned about " I don't want to hurt you". Sounds like the line guys use to keep it casual and later then can say " I have warned you".

This guy's actions are great. He takes me out, took some time and asked my friend to help him find a good birthday gift for me. Calls when he says he will but why is he warning me?

[Fondue]

You guys are both sound like drama llamas.

 

You with "accusations," him with dumb lines like "xyz was better for you" and "I'll hurt you" crap.

 

What I'm reading is just both you trying to start a bit of fire. Maybe for excitement. Whatever.

[Lola2609]

I am not a drama queen but I was definitely wrong in accusing him. The thing was I texted him while at work. He replied with a very short text and didn't ask me anything about my day or how I was doing (which I found strange because it was the first time he texted me this way). The next day I found out he was with friends and his ex crush was there. I know I overreacted because he probably didn't want to text while with other people not necessarily because of this girl. I was jealous though.

Anyway, that is how we started the discussion. He was convincing me he didn't ask anything else because I was at work and plus he was out.

[Lola2609]

I am not a drama queen but I was definitely wrong in accusing him. The thing was I texted him while at work. He replied with a very short text and didn't ask me anything about my day or how I was doing (which I found strange because it was the first time he texted me this way). The next day I found out he was with friends and his ex crush was there. I know I overreacted because he probably didn't want to text while with other people not necessarily because of this girl. I was jealous though.

Anyway, that is how we started the discussion. He was convincing me he didn't ask anything else because I was at work and plus he was out.

[Assasda]

He's either saying, He's not feeling you that much because your insecure

or

He's saying that, he's insecure.

 

For some reason when I read your last post, I'd lean for the former

[Betsy_Beth]

The might not be that interested into me but when I confronted him about hanging out with his ex crush and asked if he still has feelings for her he said he doesn't and also said "thanks for showing me I can still be interested in someone and being happy with that person".

Why are guys doing this? Why can't he just be open with me?

[Redhead14]

Thanks for the reply. Well, I am more concerned about " I don't want to hurt you". Sounds like the line guys use to keep it casual and later then can say " I have warned you".

This guy's actions are great. He takes me out, took some time and asked my friend to help him find a good birthday gift for me. Calls when he says he will but why is he warning me?

 

He is being upfront with you. Respect that. Tell him you are enjoying his company and are willing (if you are) to continue to see him on a casual basis without expectations.

 

Truthfully, he is telling you that he has not processed his past bad relationships properly. This will come through in other ways and will likely be hurtful to you. That won't be his intention, but it will happen.

 

If you know you want a real relationship as a goal, do not invest yourself in this one. Your choices are to let things unfold naturally with this man to it's natural end and accept a break up if it happens or to move on with dignity and respect.

[Betsy_Beth]

He is being upfront with you. Respect that. Tell him you are enjoying his company and are willing (if you are) to continue to see him on a casual basis without expectations.

 

Truthfully, he is telling you that he has not processed his past bad relationships properly. This will come through in other ways and will likely be hurtful to you. That won't be his intention, but it will happen.

 

If you know you want a real relationship as a goal, do not invest yourself in this one. Your choices are to let things unfold naturally with this man to it's natural end and accept a break up if it happens or to move on with dignity and respect.

 

Thanks For the reply.

If I decide to stay with him, how long is ok to wait for him to open up with me or to commit ( if he ever does) before I move on?

What if I get "I can't be in relationship right now" line? Would that be true for this guy or just an excuse?

[Redhead14]

Thanks For the reply.

If I decide to stay with him, how long is ok to wait for him to open up with me or to commit ( if he ever does) before I move on?

What if I get "I can't be in relationship right now" line? Would that be true for this guy or just an excuse?

 

As soon as you grow tired of waiting. Do not EXPECT a relationship to develop. Hope is OK but don't push, step back, don't be too available to him. If you step back and he wants to close up the space he will. Then you will know whether or not the "I can't be in a relationship right now" line is an excuse or not. Most of the time though, when a man says that, believe him. I think you already know that but for whatever reason, you're leaning toward letting it play out and wanting it to go your way. Don't try to force it.

 

If he doesn't close the space within a month or whatever time limit you want to use (don't give it very long though), you bow out gracefully and with respect.

 

In the meantime, you have fun in your life, maybe date others casually.

[Beautiful Kisses]

When he said "I don't want to hurt you" I would've asked and how would you do that? You probably would've gotten your answer then.

[Redhead14]

When he said "I don't want to hurt you" I would've asked and how would you do that? You probably would've gotten your answer then.

 

Frankly, a man who is saying these things to you and given his history, he is more likely more afraid of being hurt. He has not processed his history and is unable to commit.

[Lola2609]

When he said "I don't want to hurt you" I would've asked and how would you do that? You probably would've gotten your answer then.

 

When he said that I asked if that would be intentionally and he said no.

A kind of can assume what his answer would be. Something like " because I am bad in relationships and I have issues".

[CharlieFox]

Wait... So Betsy_Beth and Lola2609 are the same person..?

 

Am I missing something here?

[GemmaUK]

OP, you will get hurt.

 

Trust your instinct.

 

Move on.

[Lola2609]

OP, you will get hurt.

 

Trust your instinct.

 

Move on.

 

 

I wish I could but there is such chemistry between us and those things when I think or feel something and he says that.

It is so hard to let go.