Guys: how often do YOU get asked out?

[boilingpoint]

I never claimed it represented every man. You're the one saying "men will say yes if they like you!" My examples illustrate that no, men are different-some men will say yes because they like you, some will say yes for other reasons, and it isn't always worth it to suss out which is which.

 

Reading comprehension, please use it. No where did I say "all men are like this." I'm saying it happens enough that women have lots and lots of reasons besides laziness to not want to risk it.

 

No, but you just wasted a whole lot of time and potentially got yourself into a bad situation that you could have avoided by not asking out a guy. What I'm arguing is that not only are there lots of social consequences for women who are forward and assertive/aggressive (ever heard of "She wore X/did X and thus deserved it"?), but it only sometimes pays off. The risk is not worth the reward for many women, especially when they already put tons of effort into being approached and attractive so men will like them in the first place.

 

I disagree. If you're looking for a long term mate AND you want to ensure that the guy is interested in you, and continues to like you (doesn't see you as pushy, needy, masculine or easy), waiting for him to ask you out is a great strategy. It means you only go out with people who like you from the start, and you never have to worry that the guy is too passive or too afraid of confrontation. If you, as a woman, are turned on by confidence and assertiveness, waiting for the guy to ask you out is the perfect way to get that.

 

Firstly - putting makeup on and picking a dress isn't all that much effort. Do men look like tramps when they go out on a Friday night? No, they make effort too. In any case all that is NOTHING compared to risking rejection with an approach.

 

Secondly - I'm sorry but these are the typical excuses that women tell each other in order to feel better and not put themselves on the line - 'Wait for him to approach you otherwise he's not a man anyway...' It's SO boring.

 

Guess what? Confidence and character is just as attractive in women as it is in men. It doesn't matter if you're not a 10/10 in looks - if you approach a guy directly and with confidence he will be impressed and no doubt find you more attractive than if you do what most women do.... drop hints and hope for the best.

 

And also to Toodaloo - all those 'trained qualified professionals' from those internet articles you've been reading are garbage. They're just perpetuating myths that are part of the problem and why men and women have such a hard time understanding each other. So go out and meet more men rather than reading these group think articles - you might find that ultimately we men are not all that different to you!

[Keenly]

I'm sorry that you want to avoid asking men out at all costs. Its going to cost you opportunities. Many of them. With really great guys too.

[Keenly]

Firstly - putting makeup on and picking a dress isn't all that much effort. Do men look like tramps when they go out on a Friday night? No, they make effort too. In any case all that is NOTHING compared to risking rejection with an approach.

 

Secondly - I'm sorry but these are the typical excuses that women tell each other in order to feel better and not put themselves on the line - 'Wait for him to approach you otherwise he's not a man anyway...' It's SO boring.

 

Guess what? Confidence and character is just as attractive in women as it is in men. It doesn't matter if you're not a 10/10 in looks - if you approach a guy directly and with confidence he will be impressed and no doubt find you more attractive than if you do what most women do.... drop hints and hope for the best.

 

And also to Toodaloo - all those 'trained qualified professionals' from those internet articles you've been reading are garbage. They're just perpetuating myths that are part of the problem and why men and women have such a hard time understanding each other. So go out and meet more men rather than reading these group think articles - you might find that ultimately we men are not all that different to you!

 

 

She isn't open to it dude. Her mind is made up. She wants to call putting on makeup and flirting enough effort. Let her have it.

[verhrzn]

Firstly - putting makeup on and picking a dress isn't all that much effort. Do men look like tramps when they go out on a Friday night? No, they make effort too. In any case all that is NOTHING compared to risking rejection with an approach.

 

Hahahahahaha. Oh, man, you're almost too naive for me to be angry about. Really? Picking out a dress and putting on make up doesn't take work? Yeah, that's why there are hundreds, thousands, of articles/books/tutorials out there on how to do your make-up right, how to pick out the right dress, and how to look attractive. It actually takes way more effort to not look like a tramp. Trampy make-up is easy; make-up that looks natural but makes you prettier is way harder. And let's not even mention the cost associated. As Dolly Parton said," It takes a lot of money to look this cheap."

 

Secondly - I'm sorry but these are the typical excuses that women tell each other in order to feel better and not put themselves on the line - 'Wait for him to approach you otherwise he's not a man anyway...' It's SO boring.

 

I would never claim it has anything to do with a guy not being a "real man" if he doesn't approach. It has everything to do with what you find attractive and what works with your personality.

 

Passive guys do not work with my personality. I am strong-willed, opinionated, and stubborn. A guy who can't get up the nerve to talk to me is going to get mowed right over in a conversation. So having to ask a guy out because he's too scared/timid/shy is just going to land both of us in an incompatible date situation. I need a guy who can stand toe-to-toe with me; a guy who can't even ask me out is not going to cut it. (And again, that's ignoring all the other social bs we have outlined over and over again and yet you guys continue to ignore and hand-wave away, as if it's nothing.)

 

Guess what? Confidence and character is just as attractive in women as it is in men. It doesn't matter if you're not a 10/10 in looks - if you approach a guy directly and with confidence he will be impressed and no doubt find you more attractive than if you do what most women do.... drop hints and hope for the best.

 

Yeah, no. Just no. Speaking as a "not 10/10", guys are NOT impressed with my "confident" when I approach them. If anything, they are offended. They are disgusted that the only girl they can "pull" is the ugly chubby chick. And if they're particularly sensitive, they'll be upset because they'll feel emasculated, or feel they are "put on the spot" and can't say no without looking like a jerk. Maybe you'll run across the rare guy who digs masculine behavior in women, but they are not thick on the ground.

 

The cultural message is: if a woman has to approach, that means she's desperate. AKA, not confident (Not saying it's true, just that it's people's automatic assumption). It says she has to go looking, because she isn't attractive enough for guys to come to her.

[verhrzn]

I'm sorry that you want to avoid asking men out at all costs. Its going to cost you opportunities. Many of them. With really great guys too.

 

Opportunities with guys who are compatible. Wanting kids means I'll miss out on some great guys. Having any kind of standard means I'll miss out on great guys.

 

What I won't miss out on are guys who are compatible with me. Guys who can't ask me out? Not a good match for me. They may be great guys but they are not great guys for me.

 

Also not really sad to miss out on guys who insist I be super physically attractive (make-up, good body, dress nice, smell nice, be attractive) and yet also expect me to do the approaching and initiating. Where exactly do they come in? If guys had the same stringent beauty standards that women had, maybe you'd have a point.... but I have yet to see guys spending hours picking out clothes and putting on make-up (lots of guys I know consider "showered in the last 24 hours and wearing a clean shirt" the extent of what they need to do.)

 

So what this whole "Women should approach!" says to me is that guys just want to sit back and have to do nothing to get dates (don't have to get dressed up, don't have to look super attractive, don't have to learn how to flirt or banter or show interest) while women do all of the above in addition to then also asking the guy out.

 

Answer me this one fundamental question: if a guy doesn't ask a girl out, how the heck is she supposed to know he's interested? (BEFORE he says yes.)

 

Cause it seems to me you are demanding women barrel in blind to face rejection. When guys approach, they at least have some inkling of if a girl is interested (she flirts, she drops hints.) Since guys don't do those things, how is she ever supposed to know?

[CaliGuy]

The cultural message is: if a woman has to approach, that means she's desperate. AKA, not confident (Not saying it's true, just that it's people's automatic assumption). It says she has to go looking, because she isn't attractive enough for guys to come to her.

 

Respectfully disagree. Women get hit on (IMHO) 4-5 times more than men do. Women get hit on men they are not interested in. Sometimes, they do NOT get approached by men they ARE interested in.

 

From a guy's perspective, he doesn't know if she has a boyfriend or not. And yes, women can always fall back on the "I have a boyfriend" line (true or not) to politely decline.

 

My point is, I have been told well after the fact that some of the very attractive women I have talked to WERE indeed interested in asking me out but I didn't read her signals very well. If they had asked me out, I would have said yes.

 

I've also had lesser attractive women (to me, all perspective here) I would have gone on a date with if they asked me simply because they were fun to hang out with.

 

I do not believe that only "less attractive women" ask men out. I think CONFIDENT women who know what they want will....

[smackie9]

I like the women's responses to this saying that the dates go crappy and the guy doesn't seem interested or makes effort to recipocate.....well welcome to the guy's world of dating. Now you know they go through the same crap. That is what dating is all about, you have to kick many tires to find the right one. The dates I have asked guys on went ok but I didn't feel a connection and never pursued it any further. So I don't think it matters who does the asking out, there's a 50/50 chance you BOTH will like each other. So ladies just because you ask a guy out didn't result in getting a BF, doesn't mean you should just give up. It's a hit or miss for everyone in the dating world.

[Priv]

So what this whole "Women should approach!" says to me is that guys just want to sit back and have to do nothing to get dates (don't have to get dressed up, don't have to look super attractive, don't have to learn how to flirt or banter or show interest) while women do all of the above in addition to then also asking the guy out.

 

We get the pleasure of paying said date, which would equal several hours working depending on the date

 

 

Besides that. Last time I put on my cute little pink dress with matching lipstick for a wild night out I was done in under 5 minutes.

[SomeDude16]

 

 

So what this whole "Women should approach!" says to me is that guys just want to sit back and have to do nothing to get dates (don't have to get dressed up, don't have to look super attractive, don't have to learn how to flirt or banter or show interest) while women do all of the above in addition to then also asking the guy out.

 

Please reread your statement, sounds pretty hypocritical doesn't it??

[ComingInHot]

Need to pin this, lol! I was just responding to another message and this says it better.

 

TO ALL WOMEN: Black and White + Direct = Men love that.

 

so you're saying women should saunter up to the bar and say, "hey babe, you are amazingly hot and based on that I'd like to invite you out on a date to get to know you better"?

...really? cause, yeah that's something I could not do. I'm laughing at me right now trying to picture it.

 

I COULD however, possibly say something like, "are you going to ask me out because I think I would like that"... thing is, you'd have to be talking to me in order for that to happen.

Never mind, back to square one of the topic...

[Keenly]

Opportunities with guys who are compatible. Wanting kids means I'll miss out on some great guys. Having any kind of standard means I'll miss out on great guys.

 

What I won't miss out on are guys who are compatible with me. Guys who can't ask me out? Not a good match for me. They may be great guys but they are not great guys for me.

 

Also not really sad to miss out on guys who insist I be super physically attractive (make-up, good body, dress nice, smell nice, be attractive) and yet also expect me to do the approaching and initiating. Where exactly do they come in? If guys had the same stringent beauty standards that women had, maybe you'd have a point.... but I have yet to see guys spending hours picking out clothes and putting on make-up (lots of guys I know consider "showered in the last 24 hours and wearing a clean shirt" the extent of what they need to do.)

 

So what this whole "Women should approach!" says to me is that guys just want to sit back and have to do nothing to get dates (don't have to get dressed up, don't have to look super attractive, don't have to learn how to flirt or banter or show interest) while women do all of the above in addition to then also asking the guy out.

 

Answer me this one fundamental question: if a guy doesn't ask a girl out, how the heck is she supposed to know he's interested? (BEFORE he says yes.)

 

Cause it seems to me you are demanding women barrel in blind to face rejection. When guys approach, they at least have some inkling of if a girl is interested (she flirts, she drops hints.) Since guys don't do those things, how is she ever supposed to know?

 

Look, I understand. You don't want to ask men out. You don't need to justify your reasoning. But a lot of what you are saying is either a broad generalization of entire gender or its just grasping for reasons to not leave your comfort zone.

 

 

When you ask a guy out and he is open to your advance, good things can happen. You can't refute that statement, but you can give many reasons why you won't do it.

 

 

You don't have to take the gamble if you don't want to, but then you must accept that your search for a mate is not a search, but a wait. Damsil in the tower type approaches work, but do you want to wait for prince charming to find you? Or do you want to go out there and find him?

[somedude81]

so you're saying women should saunter up to the bar and say, "hey babe, you are amazingly hot and based on that I'd like to invite you out on a date to get to know you better"?

...really? cause, yeah that's something I could not do. I'm laughing at me right now trying to picture it.

 

I COULD however, possibly say something like, "are you going to ask me out because I think I would like that"... thing is, you'd have to be talking to me in order for that to happen.

Never mind, back to square one of the topic...

 

Going direct can be as simple as giving a compliment.

 

"You're so funny.... and handsome."

 

That would be enough for a man to get a clue that the woman is interested.

 

But women don't even go that far.

[Priv]

But to be totally honest, I agree with verhrzn and toodaloo. I have no issues with traditional gender roles and very much like to pick my woman instead of hoping some woman will pick me. In that sense I think men have it easier, well not easier in the sense that we do have to face rejection, but we are in position of power to get what we want. Women don't have that and most probably would not want that anyway.

 

 

I don't agree with any of the reasons of the given though. Dresses and having more to lose etc... plz stop.

 

 

If the reasons given were 'I don't want to be rejected, it does not fit my identity as a woman' or 'I am a woman, I want to be wooed damnit' I would totally agree. But I like traditional gender roles and I want to be the wooer and the one getting rejected (well, not so much the latter but it comes with the territory).

[ComingInHot]

But to be totally honest, I agree with verhrzn and toodaloo. I have no issues with traditional gender roles and very much like to pick my woman instead of hoping some woman will pick me. In that sense I think men have it easier, well not easier in the sense that we do have to face rejection, but we are in position of power to get what we want. Women don't have that and most probably would not want that anyway.

 

 

I don't agree with any of the reasons of the given though. Dresses and having more to lose etc... plz stop.

 

 

If the reasons given were 'I don't want to be rejected, it does not fit my identity as a woman' or 'I am a woman, I want to be wooed damnit' I would totally agree. But I like traditional gender roles and I want to be the wooer and the one getting rejected (well, not so much the latter but it comes with the territory).

 

 

THANK YOU!!! I was completely stressed with this thread

look at Priv, being the Man!!

[Priv]

THANK YOU!!! I was completely stressed with this thread

look at Priv, being the Man!!

 

I think I already mentioned you have nothing to be stressed about . Probably a lot to look forward too!

 

 

But now I regret posting it because I am still stressed out by you and the grey hairs!!!!

[Shining One]

I've been asked out a total of four times in my life. Two of them resulted in great relationships and the other two were brief (mutual decision). This happens so rarely, all of them are permanently etched into my memory, especially Girl 1. If only I could find another one like her.

 

 

Girl 1 - Ambushed me in a lounge as I was walking up to talk to another girl. We dated until she moved across the country to work for Microsoft. She wore no makeup and dressed less flashy than the other women. She just walked up to me, held out a drink and said: "You have to try this".

 

 

Girl 2 - An older woman (11 years) started flirting with me at a bar. She used the line "I'll buy you a drink if you buy me dinner". We dated on and off for a couple years and we're still close friends.

 

 

Girl 3 - Another older woman (I attracted a lot of these in my late 20's). Walked up to me in a club, let her hands wander, and then said: "Just wanted to make sure I wouldn't be disappointed later". She was quite drunk, but we had a great night.

 

 

Girl 4 - Not sure if this one counts. She was a good friend and coworker. We were out having drinks (something we had done dozens of times before) when she said: "I'm horny, what are you doing later tonight?"

[ComingInHot]

I think I already mentioned you have nothing to be stressed about . Probably a lot to look forward too!

 

 

But now I regret posting it because I am still stressed out by you and the grey hairs!!!!

 

 

AAHHHahahaha!!! :lmao: KNOCK it OFF already. I now have counted Nineteen shiny, sparkly SILVERY hairs on my head. For some twisted reason I cannot explain, I haven't had the heart to color my hair yet...

 

That's a whole other thread though.

 

adorable Priv*just adorable*

[Haydn]

Blimey, where do blokes live and women not approach them?? Maybe London is different?

[quidproquo89]

couple of times a year, but is all luck and being in the right place etc

[Priv]

Blimey, where do blokes live and women not approach them?? Maybe London is different?

 

Better jump on your skateboard and prepare for an influx of American men.

[Priv]

AAHHHahahaha!!! :lmao: KNOCK it OFF already. I now have counted Nineteen shiny, sparkly SILVERY hairs on my head. For some twisted reason I cannot explain, I haven't had the heart to color my hair yet...

 

That's a whole other thread though.

 

adorable Priv*just adorable*

 

Poor you . I am still trying to find my courage to count.

[boilingpoint]

But to be totally honest, I agree with verhrzn and toodaloo. I have no issues with traditional gender roles and very much like to pick my woman instead of hoping some woman will pick me. In that sense I think men have it easier, well not easier in the sense that we do have to face rejection, but we are in position of power to get what we want. Women don't have that and most probably would not want that anyway.

 

 

I don't agree with any of the reasons of the given though. Dresses and having more to lose etc... plz stop.

 

 

If the reasons given were 'I don't want to be rejected, it does not fit my identity as a woman' or 'I am a woman, I want to be wooed damnit' I would totally agree. But I like traditional gender roles and I want to be the wooer and the one getting rejected (well, not so much the latter but it comes with the territory).

 

It doesn't have to be one or the other. Just because a girl asks you out doesn't mean you are forever forbidden to ask a girl out yourself. Your preference for the traditional man asks, man pays remains an option - most girls love that and don't want to see it change.

 

Same with girls: when guys ask you out, you're in a good position to ask out other guys yourself, since you should have the confidence that you're an attractive prospect. In fact women should have more confidence than men seeing as they get asked out more often...

[verhrzn]

I like the women's responses to this saying that the dates go crappy and the guy doesn't seem interested or makes effort to recipocate.....well welcome to the guy's world of dating. Now you know they go through the same crap. That is what dating is all about, you have to kick many tires to find the right one. The dates I have asked guys on went ok but I didn't feel a connection and never pursued it any further. So I don't think it matters who does the asking out, there's a 50/50 chance you BOTH will like each other. So ladies just because you ask a guy out didn't result in getting a BF, doesn't mean you should just give up. It's a hit or miss for everyone in the dating world.

 

Except a lot of guys here have said they don't ask if the woman doesn't seem interested. So they don't have that risk... if a woman isn't interested, 9 times out of 10, she will find some way out of the date ("I have a boyfriend", saying no, being flaky, stuff like that.) Because guys have no experience with turning women down, they don't know how.... and so you, as a woman asking a guy out, run that risk when a guy doesn't. I have never heard of a woman going out on a date with a guy she doesn't like, whereas I've heard it very frequently from the other side.

 

And as far as kicking tires, I don't know how people keep missing this point.... Asking guys out as a woman, from everything I've seen and experienced, makes you less successful. That's my entire point.

 

The fastest way to success is to wait for someone to express interest in you. For the record, I think there is nothing wrong with men who choose not to ask women out, or wait until they get a definite signal. If a guy has had bad experiences with dating uninterested women, I think waiting for a woman who is super into him to the point of making it very clear she's interested in a perfect strategy. So I don't see why women who adopt this strategy are so awful and deserving of scorn and judgment (lazy, cowardly, weak, etc.)

 

In my experience, it absolutely does matter who does the asking out. Because it is an early signal about who is interested, and who is active. If a guy doesn't ask me out, how in the world would I ever know he's interested enough that I should bother risking rejection? I have already given several examples of how a guy saying "yes" is not enough. A guy asking me out is literally the only signpost I have as a woman.

 

We don't demand that guys ask women out with no signs of interest. So why are we demanding the same thing of women? Why is all the responsibility falling on women... where are the threads and articles encouraging men to learn how to be pretty enough to attract attention in a meat market (pick out clothes, appear warm and open), drop hints and flirt to signal their interest?

 

Why are we forcing the active role on women while not asking anything at all of the guy?

[al78]

I have never been asked out.

[verhrzn]

Look, I understand. You don't want to ask men out. You don't need to justify your reasoning. But a lot of what you are saying is either a broad generalization of entire gender or its just grasping for reasons to not leave your comfort zone.

 

Dude, seriously, I have already addressed this point. I am not making broad generalization, I am offering up counter points to your broad generalizations. I am saying that even if SOME men like getting asked out, NOT ALL men do and if you're a woman, you're going to lose more by asking guys out because the risk/reward ratio is completely off.

 

And I have already stated, many many times, that I HAVE left my comfort zone. I have asked guys out. In fact, it's almost the only way I have gotten dates. I am not speaking from theory here. I have practice asking guys out. I have practice dating men.

 

Again, which one of us has dated several men? Probably me. So why do you keep insisting my experiences are somehow wrong, or useless to other women?

 

When you ask a guy out and he is open to your advance, good things can happen. You can't refute that statement, but you can give many reasons why you won't do it.

 

Actually I have many reasons why I would refute that point. I refute it by saying that 1) it sets up a bad dynamic for the rest of the relationship 2) it doesn't happen consistently enough to make up for all the guys who waste your time with "maybes" and 3) you get socially labeled bad things. By approaching, you gain a reputation as being either needy, crazy, desperation, or aggressive. Not to mention the dreaded "slutty."

 

There is a girl I know in my social circles who hasn't even slept with that many guys. But because she hits on lots of guys, other people (men and women) label her "slutty." Girls don't trust her with their boyfriends, even though she has never hit on a guy she knew was taken. That's what happens to a lot of girls who are the aggressor-they get shamed.

 

 

You don't have to take the gamble if you don't want to, but then you must accept that your search for a mate is not a search, but a wait. Damsil in the tower type approaches work, but do you want to wait for prince charming to find you? Or do you want to go out there and find him?

 

If I have to find him, he is not my Prince Charming. If I have to go to him, if I have to convince him to want me because he doesn't notice me/doesn't find me attractive at first/is shy/timid/scared/intimidated/will only like me once I like him, he is not a guy I want to date. I don't know what is difficult about this concept.