ddlovexx Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 (edited) Hey all, Just looking for a little input. The relationship is only a few weeks in, but compared to every other relationship I've ever had, it's pretty amazing. The kind of guy that makes me wonder why I ever settled for past BS. I'm 24, he's 30. He has a daughter from an old relationship that he has full custody of, the mother is out of their lives. He makes me incredibly happy and does what he can, and I understand the weight and restrictions due to his babe (who I love by the way) and I'm more than okay with things. (Also, let me add that the age difference doesn't make a difference to either of us. I've been living on my own a few years now and graduated college, so I'm pretty mature for my age and he agrees.) I can definitely, easily see myself with him long term and I'm already starting to fall for him. He's always including me in his and his daughters life, we both like each other for who we are, and I love doing little things for him and helping him out with his daughter. He constantly tells me that he feels lucky to have me and I feel the same way. Last night when we were laying in bed he asked me if I wanted kids. I said eventually I would, at least one. He said he doesn't know if he wants another one but he's not really sure. His daughter is only a year and a half and I don't expect him to be thinking about another at this point, as neither am I. But then he asked me if I wanted to get married one day. I said yes, that I understand in a literal sense that marriage is a piece of paper but I like the symbolic idea of someone wanting to marry me and spend the rest of their life with me. He said he doesn't really think he wants to get married. He also said something like "I mean, I guess that can change, I don't know... but I just don't really see the point of marriage." I asked him how he felt about me/being together long-term, etc. and he said he can see himself with me. I know it's very soon into our relationship, so I'm trying not to really think about it... but do you think there's a chance he might change his mind about the marriage thing down the line? Maybe when he falls in love, if the relationship continues on the way it is? I've heard stories of men saying they don't believe in marriage, and then after a few years with the right girl, they kinda change their minds. Let me state, I am NOT trying to change or manipulate him. If he doesn't ever want to get married, there is nothing I can say or do to change that and I will have to figure out if I find it worthwhile or not to "settle" for that. I don't think I need to worry about it at this point as there's no knowing what the future holds, but since he was the one who brought it up, and so soon, it's kinda been on my mind. I guess I'm just looking for some input.... thanks! Edited October 6, 2014 by ddlovexx
BetrayedH Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 I think you take him at his word. It sounds like he's taken a few years to get himself settled as a single Dad and doing well at it. He's probably very skeptical about upsetting that apple cart. At the same time, he allowed for the potential for that viewpoint to change. I didn't hear a 'no' and I didn't hear a 'yes' either. And frankly, it's too early for him to be making a commitment either way. Sounds kinda healthy to me, and honest. Those are both good things when it comes to long-term potential. I would probably bide your time but at some point you also need to make it clear that if he ever decides he's 'never' getting married again and/or never wants more children, you want/need/deserve to know. 2
Author ddlovexx Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 Thanks. Yes he didn't say "no, not, never" and he also made a point last night that he's been worried about dating since his daughter but that he feels really comfortable with me and really likes me... and I take him inviting me into their lives to be a very sensitive and important thing. He didn't have to do that and definitely not so soon, but he did. I do plan to wait it out obviously and not talk about it for a while. I like the way things are going. But I can't help from thinking about it a bit now since he brought it up! 1
d0nnivain Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 When discussing subjects like love & marriage, when a man tells you something you do not want to hear, Believe Him! 4
ExpatInItaly Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 People can and do change their minds about such things. He might re-consider in the future. However, in the meantime, I would be cautious about proceeding. If you decide to continue, go into it with the full knowledge that it likely won't lead to marriage. Easier said than done, I realize. But the heartache that comes from investing in someone and then realizing marriage isn't in the cards is much worse. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 I would see if he revisits the topic in the future. If you know you want marriage and he hasn't wavered on his stance within X amount of time, you can then move on. Just figure out soon how long you're willing to wait, mark it on your calendar, then relax and forget about it until the time comes. That's what I would do. 2
Tayken Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 I've heard stories of men saying they don't believe in marriage, and then after a few years with the right girl, they kinda change their minds. @OP.....I will urge you to continue to have those conversations, and please make sure you use protection, and get him to do the same. He has a head start on you, and it's only fair to think that you might want a child and to get married. I can tell you that most men that have been married, and learned from it, have no intentions of getting married again. At least that is what I hear from my American acquaintances who were in LTR, and found themselves having to give up 50% of what they owned, as well as pay indefinite alimony. The family rules in the US are brutal, just like they are here. It's a game of tag, and the Govt prefers to just tag the highest earner. Well of course if the 2 people earn the same, then it's a moot point. It's easy for people to say I won't do that, but when things go awry and "friends" start putting ideas into your head, as well as lawyers then it becomes spiteful You said it's only been weeks...are you really ready to play "mum"? I mean the babysitting, activities etc that goes along with being a parent. As he has his daughter all the time, all your activities is going to revolve around that, which is why some of us won't date someone that has their kids all the time.
CharlieFox Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 People change their mind about things in time, so yes, anything can happen. I say don't worry about stuff like this, you've only been in a relationship for a couple of weeks and you already talk about marriage? Come on now. Enjoy the relationship for now and don't worry about that stuff. 1
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 What's the age difference between you two? As you two get more serious, then you'll have to have another conversation about it, there's no point investing in someone who doesn't want more children nor wants to get married. You're young and want to experience childbirth and have your own baby...He may not be that guy for you. Try not to get too attached to his daughter (and her to you), you say you're only a few weeks into the relationship, so maybe you and him need to spend time not always with this daughter. Hopefully he has parents or siblings who can babysit.
Author ddlovexx Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 I only see his daughter 2-3x a week at most, other times we are alone. Plus even when I see her, we are alone after she is asleep. He didn't say he 100% doesn't want more kids or marriage, so I think I'll wait it out til we spend some more time together before I worry too much about it.
CarrieT Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 I'm 24, he's 30. He has a daughter from an old relationship that he has full custody of, the mother is out of their lives. He makes me incredibly happy and does what he can, and I understand the weight and restrictions due to his babe (who I love by the way) and I'm more than okay with things. (Also, let me add that the age difference doesn't make a difference to either of us. I've been living on my own a few years now and graduated college, so I'm pretty mature for my age and he agrees.) I can definitely, easily see myself with him long term and I'm already starting to fall for him. Here is the thing you don't want see yet: Although you feel mature for your age (because I was *exactly* like you), everything - and I do mean EVERYTHING - is going to change in perspective for you around your 27th and 28th year. We call it half-baked brain syndrome. Scientifically, your frontal cortex has not fully connected and it is those synapses that help you make intelligent decisions. You can read about it here. It is why those of us that have gone through the process heartily recommend not getting married until you are closer to 30 - after you have gone through "the process." I can understand you having these feelings for the guy and feeling mature for your age. All I am saying is have a long, long engagement because there is a very good chance that in the next four years, your perspective on your life, who you are, and what you want will change dramatically. Back in the 50s, when people got married in their early twenties, it was called The Seven Year Itch because it was around that time - the late 20s - that people's core desires for their lives changed.
Author ddlovexx Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 Carrie, I do not want to get married soon. I can definitely wait until I'm 30+. No rush, I just would prefer to invest my time in somebody who eventually wants that as well.
Fondue Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 People change. I was very much against kids/marriage when I was younger. Up until about 2 years ago, my mind was very much set on "NEVER!!!" But more recently, I'm warming up to the idea. I spent the past few years frequently babysitting my nieces. And I love it. I keep thinking to myself, "these little things are kinda cool." So... Maybe one day!
CharlieFox Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Carrie, I do not want to get married soon. I can definitely wait until I'm 30+. No rush, I just would prefer to invest my time in somebody who eventually wants that as well. But that's the thing she's saying - by the time you reach 30+, you might not even want to get married anymore, you might have a very different mindset about the whole thing, about many things in general. Hell, you can't even know if you'll be with the same person. 2
BetrayedH Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 When discussing subjects like love & marriage, when a man tells you something you do not want to hear, Believe Him! There's definitely some truth to this. Some men would just be trying to manage your expectations up front. OR he may just be opening his mind up to the concept and sharing his wavering with you. There's a dramatic difference between the two so it's wise not to let this one conversation settle the issue for too long. WWIU was also wise to caution you about getting too close to his child too quickly. I've had a GF since I divorced and my children went thru enough with the breakup of their parents. I'm not in a rush to get married by any stretch but I also don't want to drag my kids thru another breakup when they've really gotten used to my GF as nearly another family member. I don't want a situation where my kids are in a cycle of being exposed to one woman after another and thinking that their Dad views women as disposable. Kids need stability. If you and your man aren't yet stable, don't let it look like you are.
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 Carrie, I do not want to get married soon. I can definitely wait until I'm 30+. No rush, I just would prefer to invest my time in somebody who eventually wants that as well. Even if he says sure some day I want to marry again, anything can happen. It's not carved in stone that he is the one for you or you are the one for him. I think fast forwarding into the unknown future may cause more problems than it's worth. You don't know him that well either. 2 months? Honeymoon phase is on, so let's see how you two are when that settles down and the good, bad and ugly enter your lives as a couple and how you both cope with stuff.
Tayken Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 People change. I was very much against kids/marriage when I was younger. Up until about 2 years ago, my mind was very much set on "NEVER!!!" But more recently, I'm warming up to the idea. I spent the past few years frequently babysitting my nieces. And I love it. I keep thinking to myself, "these little things are kinda cool." So... Maybe one day! Yes....but babysitting frequently, and carrying out parental duties on a daily basis are completely two different things. Just want to point out the obvious to you. Things to expect 1. Daycare / costs 2. clothes and feeding / costs 3. bath time 4. medical / dental 5. playdates 6. etc I mean people that have pets most of the time have problem dealing with that, let alone kids. As the saying goes, "a pet is not just for xmas"...once the novelty wears off, and people realize how much work is involved, they start whinging about it.
thenotemakers Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 @ddlovexx: Looks like you’ve made a wise decision to seek advice/input, especially in a situation like yours. Going by what you’ve written, the questions you raised and the direction you’d like to take based on his answer gives a little hint about what you want your future to be. Also, you said “The relationship is only a few weeks in,…”. As you get to know him better, you might be able to get a better idea of his long-term goals. Have you thought about establishing some boundaries in your relationship, which can keep you from making decisions purely on an emotional level? Breathe easy and decide wisely! “Hugs” TheNoteMakers
spiderowl Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 What puzzled me is why he asked if you wanted to get married some day. The questions people ask are very telling about what matters most to them. It could mean he is thinking this could get serious and maybe marriage is on the cards, or it could mean the opposite, that the last thing he wants is that kind of commitment and he feels you are falling for him or vice versa. Sorry, not very helpful I know.
stillafool Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Carrie, I do not want to get married soon. I can definitely wait until I'm 30+. No rush, I just would prefer to invest my time in somebody who eventually wants that as well. Then it is probably not this guy because he said he doesn't see a point to it. Yes he may change his mind if he falls in love with the right girl but don't hold your breath that this girl is you. Please believe people when they tell you something about themselves. You don't want to waste years until you're 30 only to find out he has not changed his mind about marriage and kids.
stillafool Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 What puzzled me is why he asked if you wanted to get married some day. The questions people ask are very telling about what matters most to them. It could mean he is thinking this could get serious and maybe marriage is on the cards, or it could mean the opposite, that the last thing he wants is that kind of commitment and he feels you are falling for him or vice versa. Sorry, not very helpful I know. Maybe he was putting it out there so she's warned.
vovo Posted October 25, 2014 Posted October 25, 2014 Putting myself in this man's position, I think why would I want to say these words to a woman after 3 weeks together? Perplexed to the max :/...but, then I might think... Maybe, just maybe he's setting down his 'rules'. So, you know the 'rules' now, he's told you, do you want to follow his rules, or see if he might bend the 'rules' for you, one day, maybe? Or maybe not?? It's all up to him, hes laid down the 'rules' sounds like he makes all the 'rules'...., now you just need to evaluate (in a mature and logical manner) if that is what You want? If my guy said this to me, it would probably be the last thing he said to me. Of course you may want to be married and have children of your own one day, and he's flat out denied you that dream (unless u get lucky, maybe...) Three weeks into the relationship!!!! Keep holding on though, he might change his mind....
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 25, 2014 Posted October 25, 2014 (edited) I don't really get this... his daughter is only 18 months old and Mom is gone from their lives, so I'm guessing he hasn't been single THAT long? You've only been together a few weeks, and yet you've spent significant time with his daughter and he's asked how you feel about marriage and kids? This is just weird. When you move this fast, it's bound to crash and burn. It may even be a rebound for him if you're the first girl he's dated since his daughter's Mom. Also why does he only have his girl around a few times a week, if he has full custody? Not saying that's wrong, just trying to work out where she is the rest of the time. If this were six months to a year down the line I'd say worry about it, but at the moment I'd worry more about how fast it's moving and whether it's sustainable. He clearly brought it up to let you know that he doesn't see marriage in his future. Laying the ground rules down. It might have been different if you'd brought it up an he'd simply replied, but he consciously chose to tell you he doesn't want to marry and doesn't definitely want more kids. Lots of people aren't that bothered about marrying, as a concept. But will marry the right guy or girl for them if enough time has passed that they feel comfortable they know the person well and how the relationship will pan out. My boyfriend has never seen himself getting married, his Mother never has and his Father isn't around, so it's not really something he's been around. I told him that getting married is something I want to do eventually, and he's cool with that and isn't against doing it. That's as far as the discussion needs to go now I feel, given that I don't see it happening in the next couple years and we've only been together for nine months. Over time he will be able to think in his own time whether or not it's something he wants, as will I (the idea of doing it with him) and maybe in a year or so it'll come up again and we can revisit how we both feel about it. After a few weeks, and with a kid involved, I feel that there's way too much attention being paid to 'the future' when the present hasn't even had chance to develop yet. Edited October 25, 2014 by acrosstheuniverse
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