Leilah Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 (edited) Well, my SO invited me to spend time with him last night, and after about an hour, he told me he needed to go to sleep, explaining that he had to wake up early for work. After I left, I received a text from another friend, and I simply asked him what he was up to. He told me he was about to go out with a group of people, including my SO. I couldn’t care less if my SO wanted to spend time with other people, but after I learned that he was being deceptive, I was seething. I promptly sent him a text, explaining that I knew he had lied, and his response was, “Ok…..” to which I said, “I wish you’d just tell me when you wanted to spend time with other people”. After not hearing back from him, I sent a final text saying, “I need space for a while” (I wanted time to collect myself). I’ve had a night to sleep on it, and I woke up regretting the confrontation, considering I never heard anything back. Am I being childish or unreasonable for feeling angry? Edited October 6, 2014 by Leilah
creyente7 Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Well, my SO invited me to spend time with him last night, and after about an hour, he told me he needed to go to sleep, explaining that he had to wake up early for work. After I left, I received a text from another friend, and I simply asked him what he was up to. He told me he was about to go out with a group of people, including my SO. I couldn’t care less if my SO wanted to spend time with other people, but after I learned that he was being deceptive, I was seething. I promptly sent him a text, explaining that I knew he had lied, and his response was, “Ok…..” to which I said, “I wish you’d just tell me when you wanted to spend time with other people”. After not hearing back from him, I sent a final text saying, “I need space for a while” (I wanted time to collect myself). I’ve had a night to sleep on it, and I woke up regretting the confrontation, considering I never heard anything back. Am I being childish or unreasonable? It honestly seems like he doesn't respect you. Had he cared about your feelings, he would at least agree with you and apologized and said something like "hey, yes sorry, I wasn't sure if you'd be okay with it but I'll just tell you next time." Plus if he really cared he would've reacted to you wanting space but since he could care less he didn't even bother to reply to it... Just my opinion. But you did overreact a little bit, wanting space probably isn't necessary, communication is key. You could've sat down with him and just told him that he doesn't need to hide anything from you. Trust me I know. I'm in the verge of a break up right now and it's all because me and her overreacts to small things and make a bigger deal out of it until we've both bottled it up and exploded. But I've been talking to my gf more and more and she is starting to open up to me. We are fixing our problems 2
Author Leilah Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 It honestly seems like he doesn't respect you. Had he cared about your feelings, he would at least agree with you and apologized and said something like "hey, yes sorry, I wasn't sure if you'd be okay with it but I'll just tell you next time." Plus if he really cared he would've reacted to you wanting space but since he could care less he didn't even bother to reply to it... Just my opinion. But you did overreact a little bit, wanting space probably isn't necessary, communication is key. You could've sat down with him and just told him that he doesn't need to hide anything from you. Trust me I know. I'm in the verge of a break up right now and it's all because me and her overreacts to small things and make a bigger deal out of it until we've both bottled it up and exploded. But I've been talking to my gf more and more and she is starting to open up to me. We are fixing our problems Yeah, I concur that I did overreact, and that's why I'm feeling uneasy this morning. When we have a disagreement, he disappears. Therefore, I sometimes feel discouraged when I need to express myself (because I know the outcome), and as you've stated, it bottles up until I overreact to petty situations like this.
mammasita Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 I don't think that's a "minor" lie and his reaction or lack thereof makes it that much worse. I'd be livid if I were you and it sounds like his lack of communication is an ongoing problem. How long have you been with him and why do you continue? 2
Author Leilah Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 I don't think that's a "minor" lie and his reaction or lack thereof makes it that much worse. I'd be livid if I were you and it sounds like his lack of communication is an ongoing problem. How long have you been with him and why do you continue? It's definitely an ongoing problem, but here's my issue. In person, I can usually coax him in to helping me solve whatever issues we're having, but if there's distance between us, he'll disappear for at least a day. (We don't live together btw). I've been with him for over two years, and I absolutely love him to pieces. I do feel like the glue holding us together though and I'm tired, but I don't have the backbone to call it quits when he doesn't respect my feelings..
Zahara Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Is this the same guy that ignored you for several days and then dumped you. Then came back a month later begging to be friends. Along with that implied that he didn't love you anymore?
Author Leilah Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 Is this the same guy that ignored you for several days and then dumped you. Then came back a month later begging to be friends. Along with that implied that he didn't love you anymore? Yes, sadly, this is the same one. I decided to give him a second chance, and everything was (I thought) going well for the most part until his behavior recently started to mirror his behavior right before I was dumped. Literally, the exact same routine. He started to talk about marriage before his deployment again, and now he's beginning the "ignoring me" stage. If it continues along this path, I can only assume a break up is incoming.. It seems like deja vu at this point..
Zahara Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Yes, sadly, this is the same one. I decided to give him a second chance, and everything was (I thought) going well for the most part until his behavior recently started to mirror his behavior right before I was dumped. Literally, the exact same routine. He started to talk about marriage before his deployment again, and now he's beginning the "ignoring me" stage. If it continues along this path, I can only assume a break up is incoming.. It seems like deja vu at this point.. But after implying that he didn't love you, why would you give him a second chance? You do understand that there are people that can exist in relationships without feeling love or attachment to the other but more so exist in it out of comfort and convenience. I have a feeling that is how he treats you and perceives this relationship with you. Lacking respect, love and consideration for you, what else is there? 2
2sunny Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Yeah, I concur that I did overreact, and that's why I'm feeling uneasy this morning. When we have a disagreement, he disappears. Therefore, I sometimes feel discouraged when I need to express myself (because I know the outcome), and as you've stated, it bottles up until I overreact to petty situations like this. I don't think you over reacted to a blatant lie. I don't see any good reason to continue wasting time or energy in a known liar. I'd stick with your decision. Otherwise you just sign up for MORE lies from a known liar. Anything is better than living with lies. 5
Author Leilah Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 But after implying that he didn't love you, why would you give him a second chance? You do understand that there are people that can exist in relationships without feeling love or attachment to the other but more so exist in it out of comfort and convenience. I have a feeling that is how he treats you and perceives this relationship with you. Lacking respect, love and consideration for you, what else is there? I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, because although I can't quite comprehend why he'd even bother suggesting marriage if this were the case, I know deep down that you're right. In the past, I've spent thousands of dollars traveling to see him, and not once, has he flown down to meet my parents. I feel so unbelievably discouraged and sad right now.. I have a lot of thinking to do..
Zahara Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, because although I can't quite comprehend why he'd even bother suggesting marriage if this were the case, I know deep down that you're right. In the past, I've spent thousands of dollars traveling to see him, and not once, has he flown down to meet my parents. I feel so unbelievably discouraged and sad right now.. I have a lot of thinking to do.. I think you already know the answer to this and what you have to do. It's hard for you because you are emotionally invested and dependent on him. But the writing is on the wall. I'm sorry, Leilah. You know you deserve better. 2
pteromom Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 I don't think you overreacted, and I don't think this was a minor lie. If he knows you have no issue with him going out with friends, there was no reason for him to lie about it. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 So he lies, doesn't take any responsibility or apologize when he lies, and ignores you when there's a problem. Sounds like a real catch! Sorry for the sarcasm, but it's easy to see from the outside that this guy isn't worth your time. 1
creyente7 Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 I don't think you overreacted, and I don't think this was a minor lie. If he knows you have no issue with him going out with friends, there was no reason for him to lie about it. This I can agree with, there has to be something along the relationship where you didn't trust him or more evidently controlled him at some point. My girlfriend recently went out late at night to go out on a fancy dinner with an old coworker but she states theres no feelings involved. I mean why would she pay for the guy if it was a date? Lol desperate... On a serious note, yes i have been controlling my whole relationship and didnnt trust her but thats because I have been cheated on in the past which carried over to my current relationship. My girlfriend didn't tell me about the dinner thing, she even lied to me and hid it from me. I found out cuz i snooped through her stuff and found a receipt. But we communicated this and promised not to hide anything and i'll work on the controlling and trust part of the relationship. Anyways im getting carried away. Point is, if he didn't have a reason to hide things from you or lie then he wouldn't have, so you have to think way back into your relationship as to why this might have happened. 1
Tayken Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 @OP.....please don't try to play down any type of lie to you by your so as MINOR. A lie is a lie period, and mega lies always start off as little lies, and if they are doing it now, you can bet your bottom dollar that it won't change if you decide to take things to the next level. Lies are one of many things you can do without in any relationship, be it personal or business. personally, I like to be transparent in my dealings, because then I can sleep at night and not have to worry about what lie I told to whom and when. Some people are just pathological liars, and have no qualms using their family and friends as an excuse to back up their lies. It's despicable really 1
Author Leilah Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 Thank you everyone for your input. I really appreciate each and every response that I receive. Zahara is right, and I know what I need to do. I'll give it a few days to see if he shows any shred of remorse, and it'll give me time to mentally prepare myself. Just thinking about it makes me want to burst into tears, but I know I worth more than this..
creyente7 Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 @OP.....please don't try to play down any type of lie to you by your so as MINOR. A lie is a lie period, and mega lies always start off as little lies, and if they are doing it now, you can bet your bottom dollar that it won't change if you decide to take things to the next level. Lies are one of many things you can do without in any relationship, be it personal or business. personally, I like to be transparent in my dealings, because then I can sleep at night and not have to worry about what lie I told to whom and when. Some people are just pathological liars, and have no qualms using their family and friends as an excuse to back up their lies. It's despicable really Yes some people lie, you're right a lie is a lie but if theres something associated with it then theres no one to blame. If lets say you never controlled your bf and trusted him he would probably not lie or hide anything from you. But if he still lied knowing that you trust him and didn't control him then theres a problem and may lead to something bigger down the road. So be cautious of that
Author Leilah Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 Yes some people lie, you're right a lie is a lie but if theres something associated with it then theres no one to blame. If lets say you never controlled your bf and trusted him he would probably not lie or hide anything from you. But if he still lied knowing that you trust him and didn't control him then theres a problem and may lead to something bigger down the road. So be cautious of that Perhaps since he's already dumped me once, I've been slightly hesitant, but I can't think of a particular incident where I've been overly controlling. In fact, I'm more of doormat than anything.. I noticed he starts acting strange after HE brings up the topic of marriage. I think he scares himself in all honesty.
Gloria25 Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Ummm.... From the beginning of this thread, I could tell that the "lie" was a symptom of something bigger... And, the first thing I was wondering was if the guy was feeling "smothered" by "mommy" (his gf), so instead of telling her the truth about going out with friends - he opted to lie cuz if he tells the truth, "mommy's" gonna tell him to stay home with her and that he can't go nowhere without her and/or her permission. But, now since you mentioned he's about to deploy and the question of "marriage" has been raised after him being with you for two years, I think he's feeling smothered/stifled and his "whatever" response to you is what it is cuz he's deploying. I've seen too many guys get married before deployment from pressure from their gfs and their gfs are clingy and don't have a life. The guy marries them (to have an anchor) before deploying and cuz she doesn't have a life and he's gone, she's busy chasing other guys cuz she's bored. My point is, I think he doesn't wanna get married and is being pressured to (and I don't blame him for not wanting to get tied down before a deployment - especially to a chick who appears to be clingy), hence, his "acting out" and "whatever" attitude in response to "mommy". I think you should not pressure him into marriage, let him deploy, and see if your RL really, really, can handle him being gone.
Zahara Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Leilah, upon calling him out, he responded with "okay" and then upon texting him again that you wished he had just been honest, he then proceeded to ignore you. If someone cared and considered your feelings, an explanation and some form of repair would have been put forth. Instead, he left you with those feelings. That to me indicates a lack of care or value -- almost him not being afraid that it could cause you/relationship to go south. Going back to when he implied he didn't love you anymore. Regardless of what scares him, you don't deserve being treated this way. 1
Author Leilah Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 Ummm.... From the beginning of this thread, I could tell that the "lie" was a symptom of something bigger... And, the first thing I was wondering was if the guy was feeling "smothered" by "mommy" (his gf), so instead of telling her the truth about going out with friends - he opted to lie cuz if he tells the truth, "mommy's" gonna tell him to stay home with her and that he can't go nowhere without her and/or her permission. But, now since you mentioned he's about to deploy and the question of "marriage" has been raised after him being with you for two years, I think he's feeling smothered/stifled and his "whatever" response to you is what it is cuz he's deploying. I've seen too many guys get married before deployment from pressure from their gfs and their gfs are clingy and don't have a life. The guy marries them (to have an anchor) before deploying and cuz she doesn't have a life and he's gone, she's busy chasing other guys cuz she's bored. My point is, I think he doesn't wanna get married and is being pressured to (and I don't blame him for not wanting to get tied down before a deployment - especially to a chick who appears to be clingy), hence, his "acting out" and "whatever" attitude in response to "mommy". I think you should not pressure him into marriage, let him deploy, and see if your RL really, really, can handle him being gone. I literally just said HE brings up the topic of marriage. I, in no shape or form, pressure him to get married. In fact, I would say that I'm not ready to get married at this point, considering I'm just getting my career started in a different city. I'm just confused as to why he'd bring it up and then follow up with actions that say otherwise. I'm not sure why you're being so condescending either.
pteromom Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Point is, if he didn't have a reason to hide things from you or lie then he wouldn't have, so you have to think way back into your relationship as to why this might have happened. This isn't necessarily true. You are comparing her situation to yours, and imagining yourself in his shoes, and YOU would need a reason to lie. But some people don't need a reason. Some people enjoy manipulating others and actually get a high off lying. 1
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