Jet Lag Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Hey I have been in love with this guy for about four years now. He was in a very dodgy relationship with a person who treated him badly and I was his emotional support. The relationship broke up. I always believed when that happened we would be in a relationship. He is now telling me he feels trapped and pressured by me. He says he needs time to work on himself and needs to see other people to help his self esteem. He is happy to keep dating me along with other people. I really don't know what to do because I love him like I have never loved anyone else before. I am heartbroken because I really believed we would go straight into a serious relationship. Any ideas?
Fondue Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 He JUST got out of a relationship. He is in no way, shape, or form to get back into a "serious" relationship. 2
Author Jet Lag Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 I know...I get that. I just figure he is unlikely to not be in a relationship by the end of the year.
travelbug1996 Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 that's what happens when you go into a situation with a hidden agenda. You should have talked to him about what he wanted for his life moving forward. But instead you started with him knowing he was in a relationship and you still put expectations on him. 1
Toodaloo Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Oooh no no no Jetlag... This is not at all good in any way shape or fashion! Stay away. You are being used as a "buffer" between relationships. What he is saying is "you'll do for a shag and a prop while I find someone better"... He does not love you. What you are loving is a fantasy of being with him not him. Please stop now. Its going to hurt but it will hurt far less if you cut it off now rather than later. I am so sorry you have fallen for this situation but you need to get out. You need to cut contact with this guy and leave him alone to get on with it. If he wants you he will come back to you. If not he was never yours in the first place. Its highly unlikely he will come back. But at least then you have a bit of dignity and pride left and he can't call you "needy" or say that you were putting pressure on him. Suggest you read the no contact rules on here and start there. Take up yoga, running, charity work anything and everything to stop you from sitting around waiting for him. Also look up the threads on "bread crumbs" so you can avoid falling for that one. You are not second best and you should not allow yourself to be treated like it.
Author Jet Lag Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 Oooh no no no Jetlag... This is not at all good in any way shape or fashion! Stay away. You are being used as a "buffer" between relationships. What he is saying is "you'll do for a shag and a prop while I find someone better"... He does not love you. What you are loving is a fantasy of being with him not him. Please stop now. Its going to hurt but it will hurt far less if you cut it off now rather than later. I am so sorry you have fallen for this situation but you need to get out. You need to cut contact with this guy and leave him alone to get on with it. If he wants you he will come back to you. If not he was never yours in the first place. Its highly unlikely he will come back. But at least then you have a bit of dignity and pride left and he can't call you "needy" or say that you were putting pressure on him. Suggest you read the no contact rules on here and start there. Take up yoga, running, charity work anything and everything to stop you from sitting around waiting for him. Also look up the threads on "bread crumbs" so you can avoid falling for that one. You are not second best and you should not allow yourself to be treated like it. Unfortunately I think you are right. Except I know he does love me. Of that I have no doubt. Wanting to be in a relationship with me, no...probably never. That breaks my heart.
Emilia Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 He most likely has a point. People - especially women - who provide 'emotional support' for someone in a difficult or bad relationship do this to 'give too much' and basically set up a codependent situation by controlling behaviour. He clearly managed to get some emotional distance from his old relationship and sees your intentions very clearly. I know you don't do this because you are a bad person but clearly the dynamic is that you 'look after him', you think you know what is best for him and pressurise him: it's an attempt to control him. Lesson learnt: pick men that don't need help (no-one does, really, it's not your business) and leave the guy alone. You don't know what is best for him, you think you do but you don't. Your love is for a creature you think you can create out of him, a helpless thing that you rescue. It would be much better for you to learn how to build an adult relationship without the codependency. 1
Redhead14 Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 I know...I get that. I just figure he is unlikely to not be in a relationship by the end of the year. Even if he is in a relationship by the end of the year, it will still be a rebound. Even if he got into a relationship with you, it will be a rebound and very painful for you. Step back, be his friend. Give him a ton of space. Give him time to think. If he comes to you when he is ready, then it will be a quality relationship. You should continue to date others as well. Give yourself the space and time to accept whatever comes and be prepared to "let him go". That would be best for both of you.
Author Jet Lag Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 He most likely has a point. People - especially women - who provide 'emotional support' for someone in a difficult or bad relationship do this to 'give too much' and basically set up a codependent situation by controlling behaviour. He clearly managed to get some emotional distance from his old relationship and sees your intentions very clearly. I know you don't do this because you are a bad person but clearly the dynamic is that you 'look after him', you think you know what is best for him and pressurise him: it's an attempt to control him. Lesson learnt: pick men that don't need help (no-one does, really, it's not your business) and leave the guy alone. You don't know what is best for him, you think you do but you don't. Your love is for a creature you think you can create out of him, a helpless thing that you rescue. It would be much better for you to learn how to build an adult relationship without the codependency. Wow...that is so succinct...and scarily what probably happened. I never saw it like that. Wow! I constantly gave him advice...advice that he now looks back on and sees was right...but advice nonetheless. Wow! 1
Emilia Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Wow...that is so succinct...and scarily what probably happened. I never saw it like that. Wow! I constantly gave him advice...advice that he now looks back on and sees was right...but advice nonetheless. Wow! It's common. The best thing for you would be to try to wean yourself off this kind of thinking and not rescue guys. Wouldn't do you any favours long term. It's difficult but it would be best.
Toodaloo Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Unfortunately I think you are right. Except I know he does love me. Of that I have no doubt. Wanting to be in a relationship with me, no...probably never. That breaks my heart. I know I am about to sound really nasty... HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. If he did he wouldn't suggest that he date you at the same time as others! That shows a complete lack of respect for you and you can not love with out respect! Worse is that you seem to be contemplating it! Walk away. You are hurting now, it will be 10 times worse in a month if you carry on like this. Tell him enough is enough. You wanted to be in a relationship with him and as that isn't going to happen, you want to walk away, you don't want to see him again. Then walk and do not look back. Have enough respect for yourself to do that and do not look back. One of two things will happen; 1. You will start to heal, develop respect for yourself and go on to have a healthy relationship with someone who does love you. 2. You will start to heal, develop respect for yourself and in doing so he will receive an almighty kick up the jacksy and come running. Note this option is VERY UNLIKELY. If you carry on belittling yourself he is never coming back and you are never going to find someone who does love you. Remember in the future that its never a good idea to come between two people regardless of how good or bad a relationship they are in. 1
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