Girlfriend met up with ex

[Pod81]

I've been dating someone for the past 4-5 months and things are going very well with no signs of waning interest - until today.

 

She called me and told me that she had decided to meet up with a guy she had dated for a few months earlier in the year, which likely means they hadn't talked for at least a few months. So, this guy contacted her first and she agreed to meet, thinking that it would be something platonic (according to her).

 

The guy tried to kiss her a couple times and she turned him down saying she has a boyfriend. What I find odd is that she continued to talk to him for a few minutes before she left. I would think that if she loved me, she would have 1) not met him at all, knowing that something is odd about meeting him after not talking to him for a while 2) even if she did meet him, she should have told him in the beginning that she has a boyfriend and 3) she should have left him right then and there when he tried to kiss her instead of talking for a few more minutes.

 

Is there any way she could have met him due to dumb curiosity and nothing else? Granted, she is definitely more on the passive/introverted side and has trouble saying no to people at times. At the same time, however, I don't want to make excuses for her.

 

I understand that there is a chance she may not be completely happy with our relationship even though things may have appeared to be perfect prior to this incident. We talked and she agreed not to talk to him every again. Even so, would you trust this girl and is this forgivable?

Edited October 6, 2014 by Pod81

[evanescentworld]

I've been dating someone for the past 4-5 months and things are going very well with no signs of waning interest - until today.

 

She called me and told me that she had decided to meet up with a guy she had dated for a few months earlier in the year, which likely means they hadn't talked for at least a few months. So, this guy contacted her first and she agreed to meet, thinking that it would be something platonic (according to her).

 

So, this guy tried to kiss her a couple times and she turned him down saying she has a boyfriend. What I find odd is that she continued to talk to him for a few minutes before she left. I would think that if she loved me, she would have 1) not met him at all, knowing that something is odd about meeting him after not talking to him for a while 2) even if she did meet him, she should have told him in the beginning that she has a boyfriend and 3) she should have left him right then and there when he tried to kiss her instead of talking for a few more minutes.

 

Is there any way she could have met him due to dumb curiosity and nothing else? Granted, she is definitely more on the passive/introverted side and has trouble saying no to people at times. At the same time, however, I don't want to make excuses for her.

 

I understand that there is a chance she may not be completely happy with our relationship even though things may have appeared to be perfect prior to this incident. We talked and she agreed not to talk to him every again. Even so, would you trust this girl and is this forgivable?

 

Yes, and yes.

You've outlined an aspect of her character which you cite as a possible weakness, but she didn't let him kiss her, so it seems she was able to at least stop that happening. And she left 'after a few minutes' Not 'after they had dinner, went for a walk, and stopped at a bar for a drink'....

 

You've talked. She's said she won't see him again.

The insecurity you have here, is something you need to scrutinise for yourself....

[lyndaaxo]

Do you know for a fact they didn't speak since they dated? Maybe they have been and she thought she was in a good place to start a friendship, I hear people do that.

 

She turned him down, then left, probably stayed for a few minutes to see if he'd get the message and just want to be friends. I don't see anything she did wrong.

 

You're insecure, and its understandable, so you need to talk to her and let her know your expectations. But I see no reason you can't trust her: 1) She told you she was meeting him, and what happened. 2) She turned him down when lets me honest she had other options. 3) She's agreed not to speak to him again.

[Assasda]

Naa, youre insecure, and its not understandable.

 

She told you the truth, and you should be happy with that.

- The fact is she's a grown ass woman, and can see anyone that she wants. She should not be controlled.

 

She told you what happened and didnt sugar coat anything. You should be understanding and cocerned. Not trying to lock her down.

Ypi probably should work on the things that youre insecure with in your life OP. Then try to understand why they're affecting your relationship

[Diezel]

Wait, she stopped him from kissing her a "few times"?

 

It should have stopped the first time.

OP, the next time, you play it cool and you tell her after the fact that you met up with a girl that you had dated months ago and that it was platonic as well.

 

Gauge her reaction.

[travelbug1996]

Wait, she stopped him from kissing her a "few times"?

 

It should have stopped the first time.

OP, the next time, you play it cool and you tell her after the fact that you met up with a girl that you had dated months ago and that it was platonic as well.

 

Gauge her reaction.

 

This is ridiculous and childish

[Pod81]

OK, I do admit I can be insecure because in the past, I've given the benefit of the doubt many times and made excuses for poor actions. At the same time, however, I can't help but realize that nothing good could have come out of this. An ex contacting you to meet up after a while without any contact? Doesn't that scream backup option or a quick fling - especially since they have slept with each other in the past? Isn't that one of the main reasons for going NC with an ex? Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like that is common sense that most people should know.

[mammasita]

Aside from your insecurity, which is an issue in and of itself, her meeting up with an ex and then telling you is questionable.

 

Ok she told you, yeah she's honest. But why did she even want to in the first place. Not to mention she told you AFTER the fact.

 

If this happened to me, I would tell my BF that my ex contacted me and wanted to meet up, we'd laugh about it and move on with OUR life. Would I meet up with him....hell no.

[evanescentworld]

OK, I do admit I can be insecure because in the past, I've given the benefit of the doubt many times and made excuses for poor actions. At the same time, however, I can't help but realize that nothing good could have come out of this. An ex contacting you to meet up after a while without any contact? Doesn't that scream backup option or a quick fling - especially since they have slept with each other in the past? Isn't that one of the main reasons for going NC with an ex? Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like that is common sense that most people should know.

 

A lot of people are friends with their exes, but frankly, that's all they are. Some can do it, others can't. Maybe she was just going to see if this was a possibility. he obviously made his intentions clear, she backed off.

She supposed 'friendship' because that's the impression he gave her. That's why she thought it would be platonic.

He obviously had ulterior motives.

She's not entirely to blame in this.

 

So your 'according to her' comment, sounds a little bit snide, and demonstrates your level of mistrust, right there in the first post.

When people tell you things, they're not necessarily lying.

[Tayken]

@OP....I think you already know what to think of this, and no matter what any of us say here, will help the situation at hand. You touched on a point that bares the answers:

 

Is there any way she could have met him due to dumb curiosity and nothing else? Granted, she is definitely more on the passive/introverted side and has trouble saying no to people at times. At the same time, however, I don't want to make excuses for her.

 

Here is what I see:

 

1. If all is great between you 2, why the need to go back and meet this person?

 

2. What does that say about respect for you?

 

3. Such a behaviour makes you wonder what else has been going on

 

4. How soon before something like this happens again?

 

5. If the shoe was on the other foot, how would this be received?

 

6. You don't want to end up being made to look like a fool

 

Finally, the decision is yours in how you decide to continue with this what appears to be a one sided open relationship.

[Joaquin]

This guy wasn't a friend from her past. He was just a guy that she dated for a while, a short lived fling! Yet she chose to meet up with him behind your back. That doesn't make any sense. And I really don't buy the whole naive people pleaser thing.

 

I think there is something more to the story.

Edited October 6, 2014 by Joaquin

[evanescentworld]

I don't. And given that the OP attests himself that she is the timid type, I think he should know, don't you?

[Fondue]

I'm a pretty liberal guy when it comes to these things. Very much so. But this is a bit too much for me.

 

Let's look at the details:

 

She had thwart of the kisses more than once. Which means, the first time she did it, she wasn't stern enough. Either A) she was being playful and he continued or B) she kind of wanted to happen/continue.

 

She didn't mention she has a boyfriend until AFTER she met with him. This likely means she didn't want him to know, wanted to see him in person, gauge her reaction to him (maybe I'll still like him? Maybe he changed? Maybe...). She had to hide you until she satisfied her own curiosity. Which leads me to believe she can stray when she feels that "grass is greener" elsewhere. This doesn't necessarily mean with THIS guy, could be with anyone else.

 

Girls aren't stupid. Getting a call from an old fling doesn't mean platonic friendship. She knew exactly what the guy was after. THink about it, if you break it off with someone, they contact you several months later, do you think "maybe she wants to be my friend?" or are you wondering, "I wonder if she's just lonely ?"

[evanescentworld]

Girls aren't stupid. Getting a call from an old fling doesn't mean platonic friendship. She knew exactly what the guy was after.

That doesn't make sense.

If she knew exactly what the guy was after - and she met him with that in mind - then she would not have resisted his advances and walked away, and then promised to never contact him again.

She wouldn't even have revealed the meeting.

Women are far more comfortable with platonic relationships than men are. Men ALWAYS have an 'ulterior motive' (as is proven here, by you):

 

 

Think about it, if you break it off with someone, they contact you several months later, do you think "maybe she wants to be my friend?" or are you wondering, "I wonder if she's just lonely ?"

 

Many, many women have gay friends, because they're male, but "no threat".

And we like it that way, which is why women are so much better at platonic friendships. We really do not have an ulterior motive, agenda or hidden desires.

[Fondue]

That doesn't make sense.

If she knew exactly what the guy was after - and she met him with that in mind - then she would not have resisted his advances and walked away, and then promised to never contact him again.

She wouldn't even have revealed the meeting.

Women are far more comfortable with platonic relationships than men are. Men ALWAYS have an 'ulterior motive' (as is proven here, by you):

 

 

 

 

Many, many women have gay friends, because they're male, but "no threat".

And we like it that way, which is why women are so much better at platonic friendships. We really do not have an ulterior motive, agenda or hidden desires.

 

I don't think you read my post in its entirety. She knew what the guy wanted. SHe just wanted to test him out for herself. Maybe he changeD? Maybe he's hotter now? Maybe this? Maybe that? Once they met, spoke, she made her decision to not proceed with this guy.

 

But I am sure she liked the attention. How could she not have told him immediately, "don't try to kiss me again. I have a boyfriend. STOP." And put a halt on it? There isn't a reason.

 

This guy clearly isn't gay if he was her prior fling. I don't understand why you mentioned that.

 

Many platonic male friends are orbiters. They are kept around for attention. While yes, there are genuine male/female friendships (I have a few myself), I can't imagine this is what this girl has. Especially considering the OP mentioned she is quite shy. I have never met a shy girl who has many platonic male friends.

[evanescentworld]

I don't think you read my post in its entirety. She knew what the guy wanted.

How do you know? Where would she have picked that up prior too meeting him?

 

SHe just wanted to test him out for herself.

Again, why are you making this assumption? THis is just guesswork, possibly tarnished by your own experience, but as a woman, I can see exactly where she's coming form - just as you can see exactly where the guy is coming from.

 

Maybe he changeD? Maybe he's hotter now? Maybe this? Maybe that? Once they met, spoke, she made her decision to not proceed with this guy.

There is absolutely nothing in what the OP related which would indicate you are correct, here. Again, this is just your guesswork.

 

But I am sure she liked the attention. How could she not have told him immediately, "don't try to kiss me again. I have a boyfriend. STOP." And put a halt on it? There isn't a reason.

But she did. And she left. Had she liked it and wanted it to continue, (a) she would not have left, and (b) she would never have confided in the OP.

 

This guy clearly isn't gay if he was her prior fling. I don't understand why you mentioned that.

You didn't read MY post properly.

The reason many women have gay friends, is that we prefer guys who have no intentions upon us at all. A platonic relationship is easier for a woman, because (straight) guys usually have an ulterior thought. We don't. We can genuinely like a guy without a single thought of sex crossing our minds.

 

Many platonic male friends are orbiters. They are kept around for attention.

...And they stick around because they actually want a leg-over. Everyone regardless, likes flattery. Everyone likes to be liked. We like to be liked for who we are, not what we could be....

 

While yes, there are genuine male/female friendships (I have a few myself), I can't imagine this is what this girl has.

There was no hint or suggestion about anything....

 

Especially considering the OP mentioned she is quite shy. I have never met a shy girl who has many platonic male friends.

I've never met a shy girl with many friends, full stop.

 

Or a shy guy, for that matter.

Besides, I don't think he said she was shy. he said she had difficulty being assertive, or some such thing.....

[Fondue]

I don't wish to argue with anyone. I appreciate your opinion on the subject, Ms. Evanescentworld. Let's just agree to disagree on this topic.

 

The OP should figure out what's best for him.

[HappyLove]

She's up to no good! Dude probably dumped her and she's hoping he'll want her back. There is ZERO reason to meet up with an insignificant ex. THEN he was trying to kiss her? NO GOOD! I'm betting a mutual friend of yours saw her so she got caught and needed to come up with a plan and tell you so you wouldn't find out from the friend. If she was a trustworthy and honest person she would have told you about this meeting BEFORE she agreed to meet him. Shady, or she's playing games trying to make you jealous. IF, she is really this naive I couldn't be bothered with that either.

[Diezel]

This is ridiculous and childish

 

But the whole girlfriend meeting up with an ex, that's pretty okay and mature, correct?

[evanescentworld]

Only if you choose to see it that way. I have met up with exes, and so has my H.

Where's the problem?

Only in the critical eyes of others who CHOOSE to read sinister motives, based purely and simply on what may be the OP's insecurities - incidentally, confirmed by him.