Need some cyber hugs :\

[blackcat777]

Hi everyone. I recently had the most heart-wrenching breakup of my life and I'm kind of alone in dealing with it, so I was hoping some people here might have some wise and compassionate words for me. Enormous thanks in advance.

 

I hit it off instantly with a guy and it was like magic. We didn't realize until we were already into each other that there was a bit of an age gap (he's younger, leaving for college, I'm older and done with that already, 19 & 27), but it felt nonexistant with the way we connected. I had initial reservations, but realized what we had wouldn't go anywhere if all I did was freak out, so I decided to trust and explore the situation.

 

I have never been so happy or had so much fun with someone in my life. We had an INTENSE eight months--it was super intimate, sleeping in each other's arms 5-6 nights a week (schedules permitting). We were best friends, always doing something awesome together, camping, dancing, swimming, doing partner yoga, body painting, spending summer nights huddled together by a river and watching fireflies. We routinely made each other laugh until we cried. We always had romantic dinners by candlelight.

 

I should also add that because of work schedules, we still had sufficient healthy time apart--it wasn't codependent, which was also what made this so awesome. The relationship had BALANCE. Whenever he had stuff to do with friends, I always said GO! Have fun!

 

So it was my happiest relationship ever... and my healthiest. I had spent a few years alone to work on myself before this. I screwed up something good once in the past, and I guess part of what pains me so much about losing this now is that I know when something good and beautiful happens... it's rare, special, and the idea is to nurture it, not kill it. In some ways I felt like this was god/the universe giving me another chance to do something right and be happy.

 

I lived abroad for a few years and met him right after moving back home, through work--so I haven't been able to talk to many people about this because I don't want to whine on to anyone that might repeat it back to him. Other people are unnecessarily condescending about the age difference. Some of my closest friends are dealing with major problems (deaths in the family, rehab), so... I really feel like I'm on my own.

 

What blows my mind about the breakup is that it came out of nowhere.

 

The entire relationship was A-W-E-S-O-M-E, no fights or subtle resentments. I sincerely don't believe it was just a fling. He opened up to me with intensely emotional content over time (he is normally guarded). I have an enormous pile of love letters and love poetry (aww, we shared a book to write poems back and forth). He went so far out of his way and out of his normal comfort zone to prove with actions that he really did love me. (He'd say my *entire name* during sex...) Basically, his behavior was 100% not congruent with someone who would just say whatever to get sex. He always called. Always pursued. I kept an eye on this the entire time...

 

He talked a lot about moving in together, which I took with a huge grain of salt and told him we can worry about that years later if it gets to that point... but he did talk so much of a future that, by the end, I really believed he wanted to give us a real shot and see where we went.

 

We talked often about how he was going away to school this year. It would be 40 minutes away--but he already lived 30 minutes away, so an extra ten minutes was no big diff. He talked about extensively about how he'd be glad to have me around so he could focus on his studies. It was just not an issue.

 

Until three days before he left, he started acting strangely. He was under a lot of stress with moving out, family, whatever. Two things tipped me off that something was wrong: he cleaned out all of his stuff from my place, but left the things that I got him/were associated with me, and the sex was over before it started. I didn't ask about the sex because I thought it was nerves, but the drawer made me feel awful.

 

He left. I went down to see him once. He showed me off to all his new friends, introduced me... things seemed great. He begged me to stay longer when I had to leave.

 

Dropped off the radar for four days, called me up to say it was over, and wouldn't tell me why.

 

He said he loved me (past tense). He also said he'd like it if we met up in a few months (I asked if we could do that, after asking if he wanted space, time, whatever).

 

My last words were that I wouldn't stop loving him and that the door is always open.

 

I've been NC since the second he broke up with me... 38 days now. I haven't heard a peep from him. I deleted him from social media, but I know he knows how to get in touch with me.

 

I guess I am so devastated because I was NEVER in a relationship before that had absolutely zero drama, 100% love/joy/happiness, volcanic passion, intense pursuit from a man, and seemed to be advancing at a pace that was right for us. (While our ages were slightly apart, our "timelines" were basically the same, which we discussed at length, and were mutually cool with... if that makes sense.)

 

Even more than that... it hurts because he was my best friend. He was my dance partner... you know? Every time we went out dancing, people would stop us and say we looked so in love. He's so altruistic and gentle with animals. I'm not sad because my ego is crushed or I'm afraid to be alone--he's a great person and I miss the way he enriched my life. He always had something so brilliant to say.

 

In the long run, it would be better if he realized through my absence that he did want to be with me, rather than staying with me and doubting it the entire time.

 

It's traumatic because the breakup literally manifested like a snap decision. There was absolutely NO evidence of him being weird about anything at all until three days before he had to leave, which was when all of his stress compounded.

 

I'd love to reconcile... (*although, I definitely wouldn't do it like a doormat: "I want you back!" or bust. I would require a sustained mandatory effort before becoming exclusive/sleeping with him again.)

 

I can only tell my cats that I am completely broken hearted so many times per day.

 

The only thing I can do about it is nothing. While I still cry every day, I don't let it keep me from my friends or my hobbies. I started taking a vertical fitness class. Need to stay hot, healthy, and empowered! I take care of me, but there is this emotional gunshot wound that won't stop bleeding.

 

Anyway. Thanks so much for listening. I'm trying to cope.

Edited October 6, 2014 by blackcat777

[Seeker12]

It sounded perfect, and you sound what i would term relationship strong, meaning your past relationship made you extra vigilant, extra giving, extra loving etc when you needed to be which is healthy i think.

 

38 days and no contact from his side, possibly its time for you to refocus, if he loves you sincerely, he will come back, but anything could have happened, and i think thats what you need. That knowledge which will support your sense of closure, il admit the relationship sounded amazing and perfect, possibly contact him, see how he is, and get your closure. Thats the point where he left you hanging i think, the why this is happening point.

[Stsm5934]

I'm sorry that you don't feel you can talk to friends and family about this! It's hard not to have supportive people around to process a break-up with.

 

It sounds like you had a great relationship, and I'm sure you know this, but at 19 there is still so much more to learn about life. Chances are, he is realizing this and knows he still needs to explore and fall in love with other people before ending up with one person. If it is truly meant to be he will come back into your life. It sounds like you guys left it on good terms, but I wouldn't wait around for him. He's got a lot of living left too do before he be as serious about a relationship as someone who has had many and learned the lessons that come with them. As you said yourself, you've gone through love to learn enough life lessons about when something is truly special, he hasn't done this yet.

[blackcat777]

Thanks everyone.

 

I guess what stings the most is that it wasn't like we rode it out for so long and realized we were incompatible... quite the opposite. It feels prematurely terminated, which makes it harder to understand/accept.