lillyz Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 Not sure of the average age of people who post in here, but... I've noticed that dating in my thirties feels COMPLETELY different than it did in my twenties. Early twenties, to be specific, as I dated one guy for nearly seven years from 22-29, so my earlier dating years were pretty young. Now that I'm back in the "dating scene"... the differences feel obvious. We typically know ourselves better in our thirties, know more of what we want, and are more set with our lives and our maturity level, habits, etc. But it also seems like being single, at 31, is a total mindf*ck. Because while we all might know ourselves better, we also sometimes have more walls up, more baggage from past relationships, etc. And the stakes seem higher, because we're typically looking to find the 'one', rather than just 'let loose and have fun dating'. I've been good at the 'let loose and have fun dating' game, but it doesn't feel the same as it used to. I'm now looking at how a guy handles his life, what his values are, his goals, his dreams, whether he wants kids or not, etc.etc. These things I didn't look at when I was 21, 22. Guys are also evaluating the same things. Learning these things take time and investment to figure out, too, and it seems like people in their thirties will play the 'casual dating' card to keep ourselves safe from getting hurt, or too invested in the wrong person, but it's really not as carefree as we pretend that it is. I have had guys in their thirties try to date me who get serious way too fast - they tell me what they're looking for upfront and after a few dates that they think I might be it, and it actually turns me off. So that doesn't work for me either. I do enjoy the slow dance of getting to know someone, free of expectations up front. Just curious if others have noticed this while dating in their thirties - that while there may be less drama, it also feels like more pressure. How to have fun and relax during the process feels so much more tricky than I expected. Thoughts? Lessons? 4
CaliGuy Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 Well I can't say much for my mid 20s to late 30s (because I had a full time profession while being a professional musician (and traveling a lot). After music, I raced motorcycles, also professionally (I do nothing half arsed). That was around 2004-2005 that I met the "chick" that made me come to LS. What I can tell you is that I highly recommend people not even considering marriage until their early to late 30s. I know that sound unorthodoxed BUT, people mature slowly. Not like they used to back in the "early days" and we live longer. I say get your crap together, get a solid life, career, etc before you even consider seriously dating or marriage. I can tell you, I am probably 100% perfect for a relationship now. Not just due to my age but the wisdom and security I have in my life now, the only thing I am missing is someone to share it with. That's probably why I don't put up with drama-women lol. I guess what I am saying is take your time. Don't get in a rush. Make sure you are settled down and know what you want and weed out the wrong people. Trust me, 6-12 months is required before you even think about marriage. Let them r'tards show you who they really are (which takes that amount of time). The end lesson is that I had to get my own shiza straight first before I would be of any value to anyone else. Older. Stronger. Wiser. Oh and getting better looking too helped (JK!, though someone called me HOT the other day. I nearly fell on the floor in shock haha) 2
Author lillyz Posted October 5, 2014 Author Posted October 5, 2014 I guess what I am saying is take your time. Don't get in a rush. Make sure you are settled down and know what you want and weed out the wrong people. Trust me, 6-12 months is required before you even think about marriage. Let them r'tards show you who they really are (which takes that amount of time). Lol to the last part. Haha, it's true though, it does take time. I'm in no rush for marriage, or anything like that. But I do finally feel ready to love someone again, and I'm finding with myself and others I date, that we're all slightly terrified of giving up our single status, based upon past relationships that didn't work out in our lives.
TigerLilly78 Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 Yeah its funny like you say it feels different then it did back in my 20s im now late 30s and I find myself with more fear and hangups then I ever did in my 20s. I spent the end of my 20s and a good bulk of my 30s in dead end abusive situations. So now starting over after not having a genuine caring relationship in a long time is a frighting thing I guess. I also see this is in my current partner we are both kind of guarded as he was also screwed around a good deal in the past. I think were just happy to have each other at this point so who knows maybe it will last I sure hope so.. 1
Author lillyz Posted October 5, 2014 Author Posted October 5, 2014 I hope things work out well for you, TigerLilly. And 'guarded' is the perfect word for it.
hellon Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 I'm now in my mid-30's, and I feel like dating in my 20's was much, much easier. Relationships seemed to just happen, easily and organically. Then again, most of those guys I dated wouldn't stand a chance if I met them now... I don't like to think of my stronger sense of self as a negative- I like knowing who I am, being content in my career, and having a clear picture of what I want from a partner- but inevitably that limits options. I'm finding that not only am I meeting guys I'm really interested in less often, but that when I do, it's harder to connect, since both of us are more guarded. As far as being afraid- at this point I'm more terrified of never finding someone than I am of getting hurt again- but that also puts a whole lot of pressure on things in a really bad way. Dates feel like job interviews. I wish I could shake off all the expectations and high stakes, and just have fun with it. Hopefully someone else can offer some advice on how to just... chill. 1
GemmaUK Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 I think you're absolutely right lillyz! I'm now in my mid 40's and left my ltr back when I was in my mid 30's. I've only dated three people all for short time spans in that time. I'm not at all interested in getting married but would like to find a good, healthy, long lasting relationship. When I am dating these days I enjoy the fun part of it but all the while I'm looking out for similar values, how a guy behaves with me and others and how he deals with daily issues, relationship issues and which battles he chooses to have or not. Most importantly I look for whether a man takes responsibility for things which he has had a hand in eg past relationship break ups or work issues. There seems to be a lot of men (and no doubt women too) on the dating scene who have a 'woe is me, the world is all against me' attitude and they blame everyone else for things that have happened rather than seeing and accepting that some of the responsibility was theirs. 1
Cristo Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 Not sure of the average age of people who post in here, but... I've noticed that dating in my thirties feels COMPLETELY different than it did in my twenties. Early twenties, to be specific, as I dated one guy for nearly seven years from 22-29, so my earlier dating years were pretty young. Now that I'm back in the "dating scene"... the differences feel obvious. We typically know ourselves better in our thirties, know more of what we want, and are more set with our lives and our maturity level, habits, etc. But it also seems like being single, at 31, is a total mindf*ck. Because while we all might know ourselves better, we also sometimes have more walls up, more baggage from past relationships, etc. And the stakes seem higher, because we're typically looking to find the 'one', rather than just 'let loose and have fun dating'. I've been good at the 'let loose and have fun dating' game, but it doesn't feel the same as it used to. I'm now looking at how a guy handles his life, what his values are, his goals, his dreams, whether he wants kids or not, etc.etc. These things I didn't look at when I was 21, 22. Guys are also evaluating the same things. Learning these things take time and investment to figure out, too, and it seems like people in their thirties will play the 'casual dating' card to keep ourselves safe from getting hurt, or too invested in the wrong person, but it's really not as carefree as we pretend that it is. I have had guys in their thirties try to date me who get serious way too fast - they tell me what they're looking for upfront and after a few dates that they think I might be it, and it actually turns me off. So that doesn't work for me either. I do enjoy the slow dance of getting to know someone, free of expectations up front. Just curious if others have noticed this while dating in their thirties - that while there may be less drama, it also feels like more pressure. How to have fun and relax during the process feels so much more tricky than I expected. Thoughts? Lessons? In one paragraph, you say that you don't want to play the casual dating card. In the next, you say that you don't like when a guy tries getting serious after a few dates. This is contradictory. The issue isn't dating in your thirties. The issue is within you. You appear to be a person that doesn't know what they want. 3
quidproquo89 Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 I'm now in my mid-30's, and I feel like dating in my 20's was much, much easier. Relationships seemed to just happen, easily and organically. Then again, most of those guys I dated wouldn't stand a chance if I met them now... I don't like to think of my stronger sense of self as a negative- I like knowing who I am, being content in my career, and having a clear picture of what I want from a partner- but inevitably that limits options. I'm finding that not only am I meeting guys I'm really interested in less often, but that when I do, it's harder to connect, since both of us are more guarded. As far as being afraid- at this point I'm more terrified of never finding someone than I am of getting hurt again- but that also puts a whole lot of pressure on things in a really bad way. Dates feel like job interviews. I wish I could shake off all the expectations and high stakes, and just have fun with it. Hopefully someone else can offer some advice on how to just... chill. I always worry that my reserved nature loses me respective partners, takes me time to warm up. What sort of things do you want from a partner? How mnay dates can you tell? 1
Snowman219 Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 Well I can't say much for my mid 20s to late 30s (because I had a full time profession while being a professional musician (and traveling a lot). After music, I raced motorcycles, also professionally (I do nothing half arsed). That was around 2004-2005 that I met the "chick" that made me come to LS. What I can tell you is that I highly recommend people not even considering marriage until their early to late 30s. I know that sound unorthodoxed BUT, people mature slowly. Not like they used to back in the "early days" and we live longer. I say get your crap together, get a solid life, career, etc before you even consider seriously dating or marriage. I can tell you, I am probably 100% perfect for a relationship now. Not just due to my age but the wisdom and security I have in my life now, the only thing I am missing is someone to share it with. That's probably why I don't put up with drama-women lol. I guess what I am saying is take your time. Don't get in a rush. Make sure you are settled down and know what you want and weed out the wrong people. Trust me, 6-12 months is required before you even think about marriage. Let them r'tards show you who they really are (which takes that amount of time). The end lesson is that I had to get my own shiza straight first before I would be of any value to anyone else. Older. Stronger. Wiser. Oh and getting better looking too helped (JK!, though someone called me HOT the other day. I nearly fell on the floor in shock haha) More like: Older Fatter Slower Smellier Blinder Dumber The only difference from 20's to 30's for me is that I can tell when someone is being a wise acre faster. I guess it's like moving down the totem pole slowly. At the top everything is so nice and perfect and as you get closer to the bottom, well, lets just say it's a wonderful experience to play detective and ask, "Are you being serious or are you being a jacka$$?" Good times.
CaliGuy Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 There seems to be a lot of men (and no doubt women too) on the dating scene who have a 'woe is me, the world is all against me' attitude and they blame everyone else for things that have happened rather than seeing and accepting that some of the responsibility was theirs. Heh, not me and I'm in my 40s now. I don't have that issue at all. I just refuse to deal with drama queens -- and that's all I seem to run into. I have high standards (they are not obtainable at all, believe it or not)... More like: Older Fatter Slower Smellier Blinder Dumber The only difference from 20's to 30's for me is that I can tell when someone is being a wise acre faster. I guess it's like moving down the totem pole slowly. At the top everything is so nice and perfect and as you get closer to the bottom, well, lets just say it's a wonderful experience to play detective and ask, "Are you being serious or are you being a jacka$$?" Good times. Pobody's Nerfect, right?! I think as you get older and wiser you just have better intuition and know how to spot a bad match for one's self pretty quickly. Totem pole is a good example everyone should use when dating. Don't let the first slap of infatuation cloud your vision and intellect. Dating, marriage -- it should be a partnership and it should be FUN. No relationship is easy and there's always bumps in the road but the happy times should far outweigh the drama
Diezel Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 It's not just dating, it's EVERYTHING in life that is a mind****. I have a big race on Saturday. I usually play basketball on Thursdays. This Thursday, I'm planning not to because I might injure myself and not be able to race on Saturday. Do you think I cared about that when I was 21? I could go out and party all night and didn't care about the consequences the next day... now every drunken night I have is a deliberate and carefully measured act if I know I can waste the next day watching Netflix. Same as with dating, all of your parameters change and even your likes/dislikes. When you are younger, you just care if they are compatible enough look-wise and if they are cool to be around with. As you get older and the thought of your own mortality starts to seep in, the reality of what dating really is blows your mind. 2
SawtoothMars Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 It's not just dating, it's EVERYTHING in life that is a mind****. I have a big race on Saturday. I usually play basketball on Thursdays. This Thursday, I'm planning not to because I might injure myself and not be able to race on Saturday. Do you think I cared about that when I was 21? I could go out and party all night and didn't care about the consequences the next day... now every drunken night I have is a deliberate and carefully measured act if I know I can waste the next day watching Netflix. Same as with dating, all of your parameters change and even your likes/dislikes. When you are younger, you just care if they are compatible enough look-wise and if they are cool to be around with. As you get older and the thought of your own mortality starts to seep in, the reality of what dating really is blows your mind. Holy crap is this true! I tore a ligament in my shoulder weightlifting at 33, and now I eat ibuprofen like candy so I can enjoy jogging in the evening. I wake up and my feet often hurt so bad it's hard to walk for a few minutes. I'm happily married now, but when I was dating in my early 30's... I had a great time! I think when I was 20... I was too focused on rules, too rigid, and too idealistic. In my 30's it doesn't take me long to figure a woman out, so most of those things I used to do seem silly and counterproductive. Also... when I was young using something like match.com was really looked down upon socially. I had to learn how to get dates by going up and asking in person... which is insanely hard on a person. In my 30's I used online dating for a huge percentage of my dates. Because the effort is lower it was a lot easier to smack down bad female behavior. Even to the point where you have been dating for a few months and she starts being a jerk... very easy to just hit the eject button and start over with someone better.
TigerLilly78 Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 I hope things work out well for you, TigerLilly. And 'guarded' is the perfect word for it. Thanks......
Adele0908 Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 I'm also 31, and dating is fun for me. It didn't used to be....around age 27 I was so bent on finding the one and getting married, that I didn't allow relationships to flow. I was looking at my peers and feeling left out as they got married left and right. Now I understand divine timing. I decided to work through childhood issues, emotional wounds, and my relationship with my parents as a single. I learned how to relax into my feminine side. I just spent time looking at things that interested me. My dating life has improved since doing these things,
Ami1uwant Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 30s is rather difficult. It also depends on where you live, your career, and your socializing. In some areas most people start pairing off and married into your early 30s. In some metro areas the age shifts to later. You could have a very limited single market unless you expand your age range to then pick up people who are older and now divorced or they are younger and not married yet. In your early 20s dating was far easier in part because of social networking where you date friends of friends or going out more socializing with friends you easily meet other people. In your 30s people get married and start families and thus aren't out socializing in public. Instead socializing would be at people's homes thus limiting networking and meeting options. Random meeting of people is also harder when you are older. More people won't date people they work with so that kills a large opportunity. It's harder to tell age and harder to tell if someone is single or not. There aren't single handouts when you are in your 30s that cater to 30s. In your 20s there are places you can hang out and then meet fellow singles. 1
sm2281 Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Not sure of the average age of people who post in here, but... I've noticed that dating in my thirties feels COMPLETELY different than it did in my twenties. Early twenties, to be specific, as I dated one guy for nearly seven years from 22-29, so my earlier dating years were pretty young. I think we are still getting to know our true selves. . . . Now that I'm back in the "dating scene"... the differences feel obvious. We typically know ourselves better in our thirties, know more of what we want, and are more set with our lives and our maturity level, habits, etc. But it also seems like being single, at 31, is a total mindf*ck. Because while we all might know ourselves better, we also sometimes have more walls up, more baggage from past relationships, etc. And the stakes seem higher, because we're typically looking to find the 'one', rather than just 'let loose and have fun dating'. I've been good at the 'let loose and have fun dating' game, but it doesn't feel the same as it used to. I'm now looking at how a guy handles his life, what his values are, his goals, his dreams, whether he wants kids or not, etc.etc. These things I didn't look at when I was 21, 22. Guys are also evaluating the same things. Learning these things take time and investment to figure out, too, and it seems like people in their thirties will play the 'casual dating' card to keep ourselves safe from getting hurt, or too invested in the wrong person, but it's really not as carefree as we pretend that it is. I have had guys in their thirties try to date me who get serious way too fast - they tell me what they're looking for upfront and after a few dates that they think I might be it, and it actually turns me off. So that doesn't work for me either. I do enjoy the slow dance of getting to know someone, free of expectations up front. Just curious if others have noticed this while dating in their thirties - that while there may be less drama, it also feels like more pressure. How to have fun and relax during the process feels so much more tricky than I expected. There is never any pressure. You love who you love. Its not going to happen over night. Yea, maybe love at first sight does exist, but im not holding my breath for it. Thoughts? Lessons? Use you heart and your mind. Let go a little and give people a break. Look at each person as an individual and dont judge them by what has happened with previous partners. Use your trust, even if it's hard sometimes (but your head too!) ....just turned 31 out of a 10 yr marriage (married at 20) 1
Cristo Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 30s is rather difficult. It also depends on where you live, your career, and your socializing. In some areas most people start pairing off and married into your early 30s. In some metro areas the age shifts to later. You could have a very limited single market unless you expand your age range to then pick up people who are older and now divorced or they are younger and not married yet. In your early 20s dating was far easier in part because of social networking where you date friends of friends or going out more socializing with friends you easily meet other people. In your 30s people get married and start families and thus aren't out socializing in public. Instead socializing would be at people's homes thus limiting networking and meeting options. Random meeting of people is also harder when you are older. More people won't date people they work with so that kills a large opportunity. It's harder to tell age and harder to tell if someone is single or not. There aren't single handouts when you are in your 30s that cater to 30s. In your 20s there are places you can hang out and then meet fellow singles. I think work is probably the best place to date people once you're a bit older. You generally know the people that you work with and what they're all about. If you have a career (as opposed to a job), then you have at least some mutual interests. If things go downhill, just leave and find a new job. The only time that I would not date someone that I work with is if I was active duty military or in some other job where you can't just quit. Otherwise, who cares. Finding a compatible partner is much harder than finding a job.
Author lillyz Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 I'm now in my mid-30's, and I feel like dating in my 20's was much, much easier. Relationships seemed to just happen, easily and organically. Then again, most of those guys I dated wouldn't stand a chance if I met them now... I don't like to think of my stronger sense of self as a negative- I like knowing who I am, being content in my career, and having a clear picture of what I want from a partner- but inevitably that limits options. I'm finding that not only am I meeting guys I'm really interested in less often, but that when I do, it's harder to connect, since both of us are more guarded. As far as being afraid- at this point I'm more terrified of never finding someone than I am of getting hurt again- but that also puts a whole lot of pressure on things in a really bad way. Dates feel like job interviews. I wish I could shake off all the expectations and high stakes, and just have fun with it. Hopefully someone else can offer some advice on how to just... chill. Yep, I can totally relate. ^ Exactly what I'm talking about. I'm learning to relax into how I usually am... which is pretty chill. I've probably put too much pressure on myself because of the age thing.. maybe we both have. Really hope things work out for you. I think you're absolutely right lillyz! When I am dating these days I enjoy the fun part of it but all the while I'm looking out for similar values, how a guy behaves with me and others and how he deals with daily issues, relationship issues and which battles he chooses to have or not. Most importantly I look for whether a man takes responsibility for things which he has had a hand in eg past relationship break ups or work issues. There seems to be a lot of men (and no doubt women too) on the dating scene who have a 'woe is me, the world is all against me' attitude and they blame everyone else for things that have happened rather than seeing and accepting that some of the responsibility was theirs. I hear ya! Both guys AND girls do the 'woe is me' thing... total turnoff. I refuse to even have friends like that. In one paragraph, you say that you don't want to play the casual dating card. In the next, you say that you don't like when a guy tries getting serious after a few dates. This is contradictory. The issue isn't dating in your thirties. The issue is within you. You appear to be a person that doesn't know what they want. I have issues, sure. We all do. I do have some commitment-phobia and yeah, that is me, not my age. I've worked through a lot of it and do believe I am ready for a serious relationship when it feels right. In terms of the guys who try to 'get serious' after a few dates, it's less that that is what they are interested in, and more that I feel they often want to get serious with me because they want a serious relationship... less so because they feel a connection with ME. That or, I just didn't feel a connection with them myself... either way it's good I've ended things when I have. The connection is massively important. I do want something serious, and I also like to take things slow. Nothing contradictory about that. Heh, not me and I'm in my 40s now. I don't have that issue at all. I just refuse to deal with drama queens -- and that's all I seem to run into. I have high standards (they are not obtainable at all, believe it or not)... Pobody's Nerfect, right?! I think as you get older and wiser you just have better intuition and know how to spot a bad match for one's self pretty quickly. Totem pole is a good example everyone should use when dating. Don't let the first slap of infatuation cloud your vision and intellect. Dating, marriage -- it should be a partnership and it should be FUN. No relationship is easy and there's always bumps in the road but the happy times should far outweigh the drama Definitely am learning the hard way the difference between infatuation and love. Thanks for your insight. Yes, it should be fun, absolutely! It's not just dating, it's EVERYTHING in life that is a mind****. I have a big race on Saturday. I usually play basketball on Thursdays. This Thursday, I'm planning not to because I might injure myself and not be able to race on Saturday. Do you think I cared about that when I was 21? I could go out and party all night and didn't care about the consequences the next day... now every drunken night I have is a deliberate and carefully measured act if I know I can waste the next day watching Netflix. Same as with dating, all of your parameters change and even your likes/dislikes. When you are younger, you just care if they are compatible enough look-wise and if they are cool to be around with. As you get older and the thought of your own mortality starts to seep in, the reality of what dating really is blows your mind. HA. This is great. Yeah, my twenties flew by it felt like.. getting older happens so quickly! That being said I think our thirties are a pretty great age physically, if we are taking care of ourselves and staying fit. I'm also 31, and dating is fun for me. It didn't used to be....around age 27 I was so bent on finding the one and getting married, that I didn't allow relationships to flow. I was looking at my peers and feeling left out as they got married left and right. Now I understand divine timing. I decided to work through childhood issues, emotional wounds, and my relationship with my parents as a single. I learned how to relax into my feminine side. I just spent time looking at things that interested me. My dating life has improved since doing these things, I love this! Thanks for sharing! Ultimately, I've probably psyched myself out over the age thing. I don't really feel much different than I did in my twenties, other than knowing more of what I want and who I am. It's still an interesting discussion though...
Author lillyz Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 30s is rather difficult. It also depends on where you live, your career, and your socializing. In some areas most people start pairing off and married into your early 30s. In some metro areas the age shifts to later. This is very, very true. I've lived in a few different regions of the country as an adult and when/if people got married, on average, varied a LOT. Regional differences are a really great point. It's really so much about perspective.
Recommended Posts