avocado1 Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 FIRST POST!!! Okay, so I was wondering about some people's experiences in rekindling a friendship with an ex. Has anyone had their ex approach them and want to be friends again? Did you approach your ex for friendship? Did it work out, or was it always weird afterwards? (Also the time it took for someone to approach after the breakup or N/C, whether you or your ex, would be helpful!) Backstory: I have not spoke to my ex (first love) since January of 2013; we broke up December 2012 after almost 2 years. I ran into his family numerous times after that, and I finally saw him about two weeks ago after not seeing him since January 2013. We exchanged quick hellos and awkward smirks, as I was meeting someone who was actually right behind him. Needless to say I was shocked to have finally saw him. I have been thinking about him lately. I often miss his presence, and although I do not want to be with him I miss the great friendship we had. I feel like he was someone who truly understood me. Of course, I still have not spoken to him, and I am not going to reach out to him because he was the one who ended it, and on extremely hurtful and immature terms. However, if he did reach out to me I think I would be open to talking again. I know it may be stupid to want to be friends but maybe I feel the need for some closure after everything, who knows. If anyone could share their experiences that would be cool. Thanks !
CaliGuy Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 I'm just going to tell you from my own experience: NO NO NO!!!!! You are FOOLING YOURSELF if you think a "friendship" with an ex is going to just be a friendship because -- at some point you'll want to make it a relationship again. Trust me on this. You will NEVER move on with your life if you have that attachment to an ex. You will never find Mr or Mrs Right when you're still buddies with Mr/Mrs Wrong. Got it? Do what you want, but you'll regret it. I know I did....and when I broke off of her, it was only then that I was TRULY FREE AT LAST! 1
Haerts Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 In my case, it was different. I met a guy in a club and we changed numbers. During the week we texted a lot, met a couple times and went out to another club the next weekend. The problem is that he was an ass, he said he was going to buy some water, it was taking way too long and when I went after him, it turned out he was kissing another girl. I was new in this town back then, but I obviously wanted to stop seeing him after what he did. However, that day I also got to meet his friends, which were really amazing and sweet to me. They liked me so much and I liked hanging out with them so I went cold (I was young, immature, he treated me bad and I thought: why not take advantage of something at least?) and decided I'd stay with that guy, just because I wanted to get closer to his friends. After a month though, I wasn't interested anymore and decided to quit this "mission", even if it meant I wouldn't be friend of his friends. But meanwhile his friends ended up becoming my friends too. Eventually we were in the same friendship circle and we'd see each other every weekend, sometimes during the week. I had no feelings for him, he still had some for me, but he never respected me anyway so whatever. I'd feel awkward to kiss other guys, but eventually we'd end up making out too, til the day I realized that I didn't want not even that anymore and I completely broke up with him. No harm feelings though, as the time passed, we really became friends and just friends. Now his friends like me a lot more than they like him, 'cause it turned out he's not a good person to them either. But we're really okay, just friends and that's it. Sometimes he tries to kiss me but I'm really over that. I'm not sure whether this situation could help you analysing yours or not, and well, it's not like he was indeed an ex, but I've been with so many guys and he was the only one that became a friend of mine. We're good friends now. So I think it's possible? If he has no feelings for you anymore, and you don't have for him, it could work! 1
cerridwen Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 I agree with CaliGuy, that it doesn't seem like a good idea. Maybe more than we realize, the friendship portion in a RL is so intertwined with the romantic, it's hard to separate them--even after a break-up. It's not until we're back in contact, when feelings begin to reform, that we realize things aren't as black-and-white as we hoped. It's not to say exes can NEVER be friends, but I sense things are still too fresh and unresolved in your situation. I recommend letting go of the idea. 2
Author avocado1 Posted October 5, 2014 Author Posted October 5, 2014 Thanks to everyone who replied! I really appreciate it. I guess if I think rationally about the situation, I agree with CaliGuy and cerridwen it would NOT be a good thing. My ex really disrespected me during the breakup, so why should I ever want him back in my life after that? I don't know why I want to be his friend, but if I think about it the rational part of me says it's a very bad idea. I guess I was trying to fool myself into thinking we could be "just friends", but maybe you can never be that with someone you loved. At least not until many, many, many years later. The part that sucks is that he has now rekindled his relationship with MY old friends, with whom we would always hang out with together. I don't hangout/talk to them anymore because they were untrustworthy and other reasons, but one I talk to from time to time let me know this fact. It pisses me off and I am not sure why. Hope everyone is having a happy Sunday 1
kjohn Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 The part that sucks is that he has now rekindled his relationship with MY old friends, with whom we would always hang out with together. I don't hangout/talk to them anymore because they were untrustworthy and other reasons If you don't hang out with them anymore and feel that they are not trustworthy....why does it suck that he is hanging out with them? Why do you care? That sounds like "I don't want them anymore, but I don't want you to have them either" and that's a bit immature. Let him live his life and hang out with whoever he wants. It didn't work out between the two of you for a reason. Leave it in the past and move on. Don't let it bring you down.
cerridwen Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Thanks to everyone who replied! I really appreciate it. I guess if I think rationally about the situation, I agree with CaliGuy and cerridwen it would NOT be a good thing. My ex really disrespected me during the breakup, so why should I ever want him back in my life after that? I don't know why I want to be his friend, but if I think about it the rational part of me says it's a very bad idea. I guess I was trying to fool myself into thinking we could be "just friends", but maybe you can never be that with someone you loved. At least not until many, many, many years later. The part that sucks is that he has now rekindled his relationship with MY old friends, with whom we would always hang out with together. I don't hangout/talk to them anymore because they were untrustworthy and other reasons, but one I talk to from time to time let me know this fact. It pisses me off and I am not sure why. Maybe it feels unfair that there is a group of people you feel wronged by, and your shifty ex just joined them for good times. I''m not sure but I would feel annoyed, too. If you remain in contact with that one friend, tell him/her not to mention your ex. Tell her/him you want to keep it in the past. Good luck. 1
cocorico Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 I think there are several factors which matter here. 1) how recent was the break up? If either party has not yet had time to fully process the break up, it's not a good idea. 2) does either party still have feelings for the other, or still hope for ultimate coupledom? if so, unless both parties share those feelings in equal measure and are both willing to "try again", it will be a simmering morass of repressed emotion and unresolved tension. 3) were there any enduring outputs of the R - children, shared property, joint ventures, businesses? These usually require some ongoing R of some sort, which may well be best served by civil / cordial relations, if not outright friendship.
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