Girlfriend hungout with a co-worker and lied to me

[creyente7]

So today while my girlfriend was at work, I had the suspicion that she hadnt been honest with me. Ive always had trust issues our whole entire relationship. Anyways i went through her purse and found a receipt from the night before. She had apparently went to a fancy restaurant that costed alot of money. She paid for this guy, at first I asked her if she would ever lie to me, which she said no, i ask her 3 times and asked her that now is the time to be completely honest with me, she still denied it. At this point she still doesnt know what I know. So when I finally told her about it, she immediately knew how I found out. Another thing i forgot to mention was she was texting me saying she was studying, I told her to text me when she's headed to bed which she did but an hour later. Im assuming that whole time she was at dinner with that guy and had called me when she got back and was headed to bed.

 

I was furious at this point when she admitted who she was with, apparently some coworker she had at her previous job. She said she has no feelings for this guy and that he's 10 years older than me, the guy also knows me and her are dating because he's seen me and her. She said she got bored of studying and decided to hangout with him. When I asked her why she felt the need to lie to me she said that throughout our entire relationship I've controlled her about who she can hangout with, she knows I wasnt okay with her hanging out with guys, she said this was the very first time in our entire relationship that she hungout with someone of the opposite sex. She said that the reason she couldnt tell me was she knew I would get furious with her and get mad and she was scared about that. At first I broke it off with her but as I cooled off a bit I knew that I might have overreacted so I talked to her about it. She said that a relationship is built on trust and she felt that our whole entire relationship we didn't trust each other. She doesn't trust me because she's also caught me lying to her, and complained that a relationship should be two way street. At this time she was the one trying to break it off with me but I told her that if she truly loved me we would work on this. She agreed, we had an open conversation and told her all the times I went out without telling her. She also did the same thing, I told her that from now on no matter if we like it or not we have to be completely honest with each other and we both promised this...

 

My question is, was it right for her to do what she did and should I just let it pass and work on the present and future? Or should I not let it slide? She said that she wouldn't feel the need to lie to me if only I wasnt so controlling and had trust in her. Her and I are completely against cheating. We have both been cheated on in the past so we know to break it off if cheating happened.

 

She apologized about not telling me and reassured me that her and this guy has nothing. She has no interest in him whatsoever, she was just bored and wanted to go out after studying all night. I don't know if i should just forget about it and work on now or bring it up some more. I feel like at this point the only way I can feel better is i'll ask her if she would be okay with me meeting this guy in the future. Not sure what that'll do but I should atleast know the vibe between the two while im there...another thing I could do as well is just set rules like No fancy restaurants specially late at night, with just a guy alone...

Edited October 5, 2014 by creyente7

[KatZee]

No trust? No relationship, sorry.

 

You're out of line digging through her purse, and if you're at that point anyway? Please end the relationship. That is unhealthy and toxic for both of you.

 

You're saying she's been cheated on and against cheating...yet you don't believe a word she says? She's caught you lying, she's lying to you bc she's fearful of your reactions and you're controlling?? This is a mess.

 

You sound like you have so much baggage and that you've projected past issues on to her.

 

I have a few male friends I've known for years and who I will go to dinner with...alone. No sexual intentions at all...and when I get into a relationship? That won't stop. Those are my friends and I'm not going to ever be with someone who is so insecure who will make me hide the fact that I will see them on occasion.

[Jason808]

You should always work on the present and the future and I think (almost) everything in a relationship can be fixed by talking.

I agree about the part that she didn't tell you because you "controlled" her, if that is true (and you are the only one who knows that) then I can understand why she didn't tell you even if it's with the opposite sex.

 

HOWEVER, when I hang out with someone, I don't take them out to dinner to a fancy restaurant and pay for them.. in my opinnions (and correct me if I'm wrong) it sounds more like a date then hanging out.. but then again I'm only 19, maybe in a different range of age it might be a way to catch up but I can't relate to that.

[veggirl]

So you both have a history of lying to each other. There's no point in this relationship, you guys sound very immature and dramatic. You won't randomly change over night.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I can understand this.

 

 

My ex was like this with her male 'best friend', I hated how close they were and made her choose between me or him, she chose me but I was always suspicious of her after that naturally.

[Diezel]

So she was bored from studying and wanted to do something and doesn't call YOU up to go do something? Why some other random guy?

 

Trust me, she shifted a LOT of the blame to you in trying to rationalize this.

 

You both don't trust each other.

You should have stuck with your first decision of dumping her.

[creyente7]

Okay so should I let this slide and trust that she'll make the right decision next time by telling me? We broke up for a week before and we got back together but then she did this when I asked her why she said "even when we got back together I felt like things were just the old relationship so I still couldnt tell you because I was scared" I told her, the problem isnt that she didn't tell me the truth I told her that the problem was she never gave me a chance to prove to her that I trust her and that no more controlling will happen.

 

Anyways I really wanna set some rules about this though, like no going to fancy dinners with guys alone specially late at night...Is that controlling? Or is that just setting relationship bounderies? Or should I let time pass and see if she'll make the right choice this time? Maybe then I can tell her about the rules

[creyente7]

So she was bored from studying and wanted to do something and doesn't call YOU up to go do something? Why some other random guy?

 

Trust me, she shifted a LOT of the blame to you in trying to rationalize this.

 

You both don't trust each other.

You should have stuck with your first decision of dumping her.

 

Oh and as for this, I live 2 hours away from her. Plus she's an independent woman who doesn't need my presence ever chance she gets. Although she loves me alot and says this. She says that she had a lot of male friends before we started dating and that while we were dating she dropped all of them for me but wasn't happy because of it. I don't necessarily think she does it to get validation from other men, she just enjoys spending time with her male friends. But you could be right about her shifting the blame on me but everything she said about the relationship were true that I was controlling. When we broke up I asked her how she felt she said "to be honest I felt like I could be myself again, I didn't have to worry about what I can do or who I can hangout with without anybody getting mad" so yup

[Diezel]

You're not getting it.

 

She didn't tell you the first time. Now she knows to hide the receipt or throw it away.

 

You're going to spend so much time worrying about what she's doing when it'd be so much easier to just find someone new instead.

 

If you lay down "rules", she's going to say you are "controlling". You shouldn't HAVE to lay down those rules. They should have been automatic and implied. Next time if you find out (Because I know you will stay with her), just tell her that since it is fair game, you can go out on a fancy dinner with one of your female friends, because hey, your female friend and you are strictly platonic.

[Haerts]

Rules? Really? Relationships based on rules?

 

Seriously, that means you're not trusting her. If I ever get to be with a guy who'll try to "set rules" for me, I'll immediatly walk away. I don't need anyone controlling my life (and just so you know, that rule of yours IS controlling). She said she has nothing with him and told you what happened. Now it's up to you to trust her or not, but it's clear here that you're not over that yet.

 

I always believed that you have to set your partner free. I mean, in terms. They need to have their time with other people, their friends, family, whatever, and you have to trust them that they're not cheating on you or lying. If it comes to the day you realize you've been cheated on or she lied or whatever, then it's time for you to move on, but at least you'll do it knowing you did your best. Personally, whenever I leave a relationship, there's nothing that makes me feel better than knowing I could be myself and I respected/trusted my partner. Then I know it wasn't my fault, and I move on.

[creyente7]

Rules? Really? Relationships based on rules?

 

Seriously, that means you're not trusting her. If I ever get to be with a guy who'll try to "set rules" for me, I'll immediatly walk away. I don't need anyone controlling my life (and just so you know, that rule of yours IS controlling). She said she has nothing with him and told you what happened. Now it's up to you to trust her or not, but it's clear here that you're not over that yet.

 

I always believed that you have to set your partner free. I mean, in terms. They need to have their time with other people, their friends, family, whatever, and you have to trust them that they're not cheating on you or lying. If it comes to the day you realize you've been cheated on or she lied or whatever, then it's time for you to move on, but at least you'll do it knowing you did your best. Personally, whenever I leave a relationship, there's nothing that makes me feel better than knowing I could be myself and I respected/trusted my partner. Then I know it wasn't my fault, and I move on.

 

This is a very good way to put it. Im sorry but I don't have much experience with things like this. Its just I lost my ex girlfriend this way, she was meeting this guy at his house and doing things together like couple do (cooking together, baking). Next thing I know she left me for him. Ever since then i've been paranoid with all my other relationships. I know I have to set my gf free now and let her do what she wants but im afraid to let the same thing happen, her developing feelings for someone else because I couldnt prevent it. But then again if she really liked me I guess theres nothing to be prevented. My gf now admitted herself that our relationship is broken, but I know I can fix this, she loves me and likes me as a person. She just doesnt like the relationship and is leaning more the I'd rather be single if I will be in a relationship like this type. So I think theres still a chance of fixing this

[Diezel]

If she is saying it's broken, you better believe it and move on.

 

You can't fix a relationship if the other person isn't willing to do some of the lifting either.

[creyente7]

If she is saying it's broken, you better believe it and move on.

 

You can't fix a relationship if the other person isn't willing to do some of the lifting either.

 

Well if she promised to tell me the truth from now on ill just have to believe it. She said the reason she wants to keep trying and fix it is because she likes me and that we were a good couple. She liked how me and her were before. This conversation just happened a few minutes ago. I asked her why she wants to keep trying and thats what she said

 

Another thing she said was that it wasnt meant to be just her and the guy. They were suppose to meet with a couple other people but they ended up bailing last minute. I'll just trust her word for it. But anyways another reason she didnt wanna tell me was because it was late at night. But we agreed to be honest from now on

Edited October 5, 2014 by creyente7

[SawtoothMars]

Well if she promised to tell me the truth from now on ill just have to believe it. She said the reason she wants to keep trying and fix it is because she likes me and that we were a good couple. She liked how me and her were before. This conversation just happened a few minutes ago. I asked her why she wants to keep trying and thats what she said

Another thing she said was that it wasnt meant to be just her and the guy. They were suppose to meet with a couple other people but they ended up bailing last minute. I'll just trust her word for it. But anyways another reason she didnt wanna tell me was because it was late at night. But we agreed to be honest from now on

 

Dude... she went on a date with another guy and lied to your face about it the whole time... then she tries to flip it around and blame you for her actions.

 

She is a liar, and you have good reason to distrust her. I believe in "trust but verify", when it comes to relationships!

[ThorntonMelon]

You're dating a girl who's dating someone else.

 

You're a cuckold. If you don't end the relationship immediately, everything that happens afterwards is on you, not her.

[creyente7]

Dude... she went on a date with another guy and lied to your face about it the whole time... then she tries to flip it around and blame you for her actions.

 

It could be a date, or just simply a hangout...I can't say but did she do anything with this guy? No I dont think so...To be honest she's not looking for anything else. She's a full time nursing student and has a full time job. She can barely juggle me into her life. Why would she want to go on dates? For what reason? Im not defending her. I just know her well...She was even stressing out today that she's freaking out about her homeworks. She has school 6 days a week and work everyday. Her and I both know that if we wanted to cheat on each other that we'd just break up. We broke up as well just recently so if she wanted to date she wouldnt have taken me back

Edited October 5, 2014 by creyente7

[Diezel]

You ARE defending her.

 

You know her SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO well that she has to lie to you about where she was and you only find out by going through her purse.

 

Remind us, how well you really know someone who was willing to continue to lie to you?

[Dork Vader]

Okay someone said something about "rules" and bs like that. There is a difference between rules and boundaries.

 

 

1. You don't buy dinner at a fancy restaurant for a casual friend. Unless it is a very very old friend and well established. If that were the case this boy friend would be invited to hang out with them.

 

 

I can almost guarantee your girl friend is exploring having some sort of relationship with this man, if she already hasn't. It doesn't matter that he's 10 years older, that sort of thing happens ALL THE TIME.

 

 

You are her boy friend, if she was bored and wanted to take a break from studying she should have called you, not him. She wants to wine and dine with other men behind your back. She can be single.

 

 

You're trying to tell me she was studying at home got bored decided to get all dolled up and go to an expensive restaurant? Please, I might have bought it if she went to Chili's or some cheap place in her PJ's. But you don't go to an expensive restaurant on a whim. I highly doubt she was studying and even if she was she should have called you.

 

 

It doesn't matter that you snooped through her purse and saw the receipt.

 

 

When cheaters get caught.. You'll hear a ton of justification. "Our relationship is broken" "he's just a friend" "it was just dinner" "I lied because" blah blah.. It's the same song and dance. There is a reason she did not tell you and there is a reason she went to him and not you.

 

 

Even if this woman is right and you are jealous. That is something she TALKS to you about and works out with you. If you can't find common ground you end the relationship. You don't go out and have your fun behind your partners back.

 

 

Dump her ass and move on. Find someone that will be honest with you, that will work with you. If you're a jealous guy then you need to figure something's out before you attempt to have a relationship. Read up on insecurity, figure out what is acceptable and what is not, read some books on self esteem.

 

 

Can people have opposite sex friends? You bet. But there are clear cut boundaries set. Taking that friend out to dinner and paying for it is crossing a boundary. Lying to your partner about seeing them is crossing a boundary.

 

 

I also highly doubt she called you when she got home and went to bed. She likely called you around the TIME she typically goes to bed. Trust me I used to be a fairly seasoned douchebag.

 

 

You've done NOTHING wrong she has. Don't let her twist it around on you.

[Dork Vader]

It could be a date, or just simply a hangout...I can't say but did she do anything with this guy? No I dont think so...To be honest she's not looking for anything else. She's a full time nursing student and has a full time job. She can barely juggle me into her life. Why would she want to go on dates? For what reason? Im not defending her. I just know her well...She was even stressing out today that she's freaking out about her homeworks. She has school 6 days a week and work everyday. Her and I both know that if we wanted to cheat on each other that we'd just break up. We broke up as well just recently so if she wanted to date she wouldnt have taken me back

 

 

 

Quit defending her. I did this.. I caught my ex sexting her best friends husband. She brushed it off as joking. I said okay fine I'll give you another chance. She constantly lied about it but said she had forgot.

 

 

3 weeks later I got herpes.

 

 

about 4 weeks later I caught her sexting her old FWB while we were with my family. She claimed I was ending things with him and all this BS.

 

 

She begged for one more chance.. I gave in.. She claimed she was unsure of us yet only wanted me, loved me and I was the only man in her life. I snooped through her phone and yep 4 other guys.

 

 

Knock it off. Even if what your girl friend did was strictly platonic and it is just friendship, she crossed numerous boundaries with him.

[mammasita]

You're dating a girl who's dating someone else.

 

You're a cuckold. If you don't end the relationship immediately, everything that happens afterwards is on you, not her.

 

This.

 

....and stop being so damn controlling.

[creyente7]

Okay someone said something about "rules" and bs like that. There is a difference between rules and boundaries.

 

 

1. You don't buy dinner at a fancy restaurant for a casual friend. Unless it is a very very old friend and well established. If that were the case this boy friend would be invited to hang out with them.

 

 

I can almost guarantee your girl friend is exploring having some sort of relationship with this man, if she already hasn't. It doesn't matter that he's 10 years older, that sort of thing happens ALL THE TIME.

 

 

You are her boy friend, if she was bored and wanted to take a break from studying she should have called you, not him. She wants to wine and dine with other men behind your back. She can be single.

 

 

You're trying to tell me she was studying at home got bored decided to get all dolled up and go to an expensive restaurant? Please, I might have bought it if she went to Chili's or some cheap place in her PJ's. But you don't go to an expensive restaurant on a whim. I highly doubt she was studying and even if she was she should have called you.

 

 

It doesn't matter that you snooped through her purse and saw the receipt.

 

 

When cheaters get caught.. You'll hear a ton of justification. "Our relationship is broken" "he's just a friend" "it was just dinner" "I lied because" blah blah.. It's the same song and dance. There is a reason she did not tell you and there is a reason she went to him and not you.

 

 

Even if this woman is right and you are jealous. That is something she TALKS to you about and works out with you. If you can't find common ground you end the relationship. You don't go out and have your fun behind your partners back.

 

 

Dump her ass and move on. Find someone that will be honest with you, that will work with you. If you're a jealous guy then you need to figure something's out before you attempt to have a relationship. Read up on insecurity, figure out what is acceptable and what is not, read some books on self esteem.

 

 

Can people have opposite sex friends? You bet. But there are clear cut boundaries set. Taking that friend out to dinner and paying for it is crossing a boundary. Lying to your partner about seeing them is crossing a boundary.

 

 

I also highly doubt she called you when she got home and went to bed. She likely called you around the TIME she typically goes to bed. Trust me I used to be a fairly seasoned douchebag.

 

 

You've done NOTHING wrong she has. Don't let her twist it around on you.

 

Ok i understand where you're coming from and people do make mistakes. Ive hurt her so much in the past that she is afraid of that happening again. She said she wasnt even going to pay for the guy but he apparently didn't have money. I might be wrong to believe this but she was like "why would I pay for someone if it was a date. Thats the guys job" unless she was desperate... But I dont know, shes had alot of male friends in the past that she stopped being friends with me for me. She said that she will make friends along with our relationship and that if she wants us to workout I will have to accept that fact. Yea she hidnthis from me, but whos to say she wont slip or get caught again in the future? Im not trying to fish for answers I want to hear but ive made mistakes in the past that she forgave me for and Ive worked on those. Havent done it again since, all im saying is that people learn from mistakes. Ill just have to see if she sticks to her words and be honest with me from now on...i just dont underdtanr that if she was so against cheating why would she take me back if she wants to go out and do her thing.

[Dork Vader]

Even if you have cheated on her, it is no justification to straight out lie and go out with another man. Two wrongs do not make a right. Vengeance has absolutely no place in a relationship. You either forgive the wrong doing and move on or end the relationship. Vengeance will lead to an endless cycle of hurt.

 

 

If you want to continue on having a relationship with her, then you both need to set some clear boundaries.

 

 

Reasonable boundaries would be. No going out with other men in dating fashion (solo).

Reasonable boundaries would be being honest, open and forthcoming about what she is doing.

 

 

Stuff a long those lines.

 

 

Why does she need these new male friends? Please explain that one to me. I get that we all need "me time" in a relationship. But that's what her established friends are for. Not some random stranger from work or where ever that she is just getting to know. They are NOT friends they are associates or people she knows. She doesn't need to get to know them 1 on 1. If she wants to form friendships with them then it can be double dating or the opposite sex associate can be the third wheel. But this 1 on 1 crap is a toxic situation that leads to cheating.

 

 

If she hits you with this bs about not having a life blah blah. She is NOT ready for a committed relationship. You don't run around town with new opposite sex friends.

[bubbaganoosh]

I wonder what her reaction would be if it was you telling her you were studying and then you slipped on some nice clothes and went to dinner with some girl and lied to her about it. I don't think she would be a very happy camper.

 

It's easy to be casual and make it out that it's just dinner with a old friend...................(who has no money but agreed to have dinner with her like a good freeloader would do) and it's no biggie but if the shoe was on the other foot, I promise you she wouldn't be as calm about it.

 

If this is how your relationship is going then it would be a good idea to move on because this isn't going to work.

[creyente7]

Even if you have cheated on her, it is no justification to straight out lie and go out with another man. Two wrongs do not make a right. Vengeance has absolutely no place in a relationship. You either forgive the wrong doing and move on or end the relationship. Vengeance will lead to an endless cycle of hurt.

 

 

If you want to continue on having a relationship with her, then you both need to set some clear boundaries.

 

 

Reasonable boundaries would be. No going out with other men in dating fashion (solo).

Reasonable boundaries would be being honest, open and forthcoming about what she is doing.

 

 

Stuff a long those lines.

 

 

Why does she need these new male friends? Please explain that one to me. I get that we all need "me time" in a relationship. But that's what her established friends are for. Not some random stranger from work or where ever that she is just getting to know. They are NOT friends they are associates or people she knows. She doesn't need to get to know them 1 on 1. If she wants to form friendships with them then it can be double dating or the opposite sex associate can be the third wheel. But this 1 on 1 crap is a toxic situation that leads to cheating.

 

 

If she hits you with this bs about not having a life blah blah. She is NOT ready for a committed relationship. You don't run around town with new opposite sex friends.

 

I talked to her about it, I told her that we've both made mistakes in the past, what we can do is learn from those mistakes and no do them again. She apologized and said that she's sorry for messing up our relationship. I told her that this is a new chapter of our relationship and we can either choose to build it on trust and love or she can leave if she feels the need to explore her options. She agreed and said she won't do it again.

 

I just developed this mentality just recently that I will not get my hopes up, this girl means alot to me but I can't force someone to not do anything. I have to let her free, if she chooses to come back she is mine. What I'm going to do is work on myself and give her all the trust. This way if she does **** up one last time atleast I know for myself that I did my best and did what I had to do. If she chooses to do it again, i guess she never cared in the first place to try and implement trust and honesty in the relationship. As long as I know I gave it my all and my best to trust her then I can leave the relationship with dignity. I know she loves me, I know she cares about me, it's up to her to try her best to keep what she has, cuz I gave her that whole "I love you but i'm also not afraid to walk out".

 

Trust is built with time. So only time can tell, she's about to be 21 soon so more things will come up along the way, I know she will want to go clubbing and go to bars, she's not stupid so she should know her boundaries. I know her view on cheating so I trust her that if she ever cheated on me that she will leave.

[Dork Vader]

Trust is built with time and it is built on actions.

 

 

She has to be honest, forthcoming and open. She has to do what she says and show you she is someone you can trust and rely on.

 

 

So right now you are literally taking a gamble on it with her. but stay on your A game. I've yet to have a cheater turn honest and committed if anything it improves for a short period of time, then I catch them cheating again.