callingyouuu Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 ...is it ever your responsibility to initiate "the talk"? There's a girl I know who's shown very consistent interest in me for the past six months, and while she is a very thoughtful and considerate friend, I don't consider our relationship moving anywhere past that. I try my best to make sure nothing I say or do suggests otherwise, since the last thing I want to do is give her hope for something more, but she still suggests one-on-one activities that I'm afraid would be "dates" in her mind (and I usually come up with an excuse not to go). I haven't reciprocated any interest, and while I (selfishly) appreciate the ego boost at times, I think it's healthier for the both of us if she stops. That said, she hasn't directly confessed her feelings, and I feel like it might be presumptuous of me to initiate a talk defining our relationship until she's offers something definitive about her interest. I could also wait until she moves on naturally, but it makes me feel terrible to put her through this if she really is interested. I just want to do the right thing, and I'm not sure what that is.
LoneIsland Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 If you are genuinely a good friend, you should allow her to move on. Friend-zoning someone is to take advantage of them even if they are voluntary victims. I think men should be less bitchy than that.
lillyz Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 You sound like a really great guy. Even just posting what you did speaks volumes. I think you should talk to her, kindly of course. Tell her what you told us - that the reason you don't do things with her one-on-one is because you are worried it might feel like a date, and that is not something you are interested in. It's not your responsibility to explain 'why' if she asks - what else you share is up to you. I'll bet your intuition is correct, and she is hoping something will happen with you. If I were the girl, I'd want to know. Be aware, she might deny wanting that. So I wouldn't say, "I feel like you want this...", but rather like I wrote above, just mention that the reason you don't hang out more one-on-one is because you don't want it to be misconstrued as something it is not. It might clear the air. Those are my two-cents. Poor girl.
somedude81 Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 Talk about girls you're interested in and going on dates with. She'll get the hint that you're not into her. 1
lillyz Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 Talk about girls you're interested in and going on dates with. She'll get the hint that you're not into her. This could be a good approach. ^ Especially if you aren't very close as friends. If you are really really close however, and regularly share details of your lives, feelings, etc., I would be more kindly direct with her. Because it kind of sounds like she should have gotten the hint already, but just hasn't. She might actually need a straight-up approach.
Author callingyouuu Posted October 5, 2014 Author Posted October 5, 2014 I think you should talk to her, kindly of course. Tell her what you told us - that the reason you don't do things with her one-on-one is because you are worried it might feel like a date, and that is not something you are interested in. It's not your responsibility to explain 'why' if she asks - what else you share is up to you. I'll bet your intuition is correct, and she is hoping something will happen with you. Be aware, she might deny wanting that. So I wouldn't say, "I feel like you want this...", but rather like I wrote above, just mention that the reason you don't hang out more one-on-one is because you don't want it to be misconstrued as something it is not. It might clear the air. I really like the way you phrased this; it clarifies the situation without jumping to conclusions. Appreciate the response, and I think I'll tell her this next time. Talk about girls you're interested in and going on dates with. She'll get the hint that you're not into her. Funny thing, she actually saw me while I was on a date with another girl yesterday. I still had a great time on the date, but I couldn't help but feel a bit bad since I've definitely been in her position before, and I know how much it sucks. 1
Author callingyouuu Posted October 5, 2014 Author Posted October 5, 2014 If you are genuinely a good friend, you should allow her to move on. Friend-zoning someone is to take advantage of them even if they are voluntary victims. I think men should be less bitchy than that. I feel like I am allowing her to move on. I'm careful not to say or do anything that leads to us getting too emotional attached, and we really just talk when we're around mutual friends. If you're suggesting to outright ignore her, I personally don't feel that's a reasonable solution at this stage.
LoneIsland Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 I feel like I am allowing her to move on. I'm careful not to say or do anything that leads to us getting too emotional attached, and we really just talk when we're around mutual friends. If you're suggesting to outright ignore her, I personally don't feel that's a reasonable solution at this stage. I am suggesting you outright tell her she's in the friend zone and she's never going to bust out of it. She's currently seeing you as an equivalent of a coy female who will take time to warm up. So long as she's in that position, she's being led on. If you continue to milk her for the ego boost and for emotional connection, then you are not really a friend as you say you are. If you are not doing it as a concerned friend, but as a revenge against the women kind, or as someone who's in it for the benefits then I don't see a problem.
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