Am I being too picky?

[Arieswoman]

I wouldn't give up on on-line dating, Nomadic, you need to explore as many avenues as you can to keep your options open. However, I wouldn't make it your main source of eligible guys.

 

Good luck !

[SummerDreams]

I don't see you as being picky, just as wanting to be the man of the relationship.

[TigerLilly78]

. I could be a "trophy wife" if I were lazy and lacked ambition myself (had a few offers from rich men) but I will not let my talents or strong work ethic go to waste.

 

It sounds like your a little bit full of yourself sorry just being honest I can understand wanting some one whose compatible but I do believe I detect a little bit of shallowness and materialism sprinkled in there some were. But hey feel free to limit your dating options as much as you like just means there will be more hard working middle class men for everyone else...

[Snowman219]

So I'm a professional woman with entrepreneurial pursuits as well. I have a corporate job, make decent money and really, it's only up from here with my side projects and business I am developing. I just can't find myself dating a guy who works in retail or at a convenience store, or anywhere like that.

 

I prefer professional men who work corporate or are self employed. I am extremely ambitious and only see myself with someone with the same kind of drive; otherwise, I'd view the guy as kind of lazy or complacent and he would think I am too hard on him. A lot of the people I know who are settled down have a run of the mill kind of job and their partners do too. Nothing fancy for the most part.

 

Could I be passing up something good by not dating men with certain level of achievement? Can anyone else relate to this? Today I was out shopping and three guys hit on me but I said thank you when they complimented me on how I look but wouldn't give them my number. A light bulb kind of went off later. Some guys have told me I was very intimidating including my close male friends. They say I have my stuff together coupled with "high expectations" so that would scare a lot of men. I'm also a free spirit and very independent. I'm in my mid 20s so I am looking to settle down so a man with financial and emotional stability is critical to me.

 

Scare me? AHAH! I work around a bunch of thugs who have more ink on their body than their resume and you think some chick with a pretty piece of paper is going to "scare" me? Trust me, I'll always be on top.

[gaius]

It sounds like your a little bit full of yourself sorry just being honest I can understand wanting some one whose compatible but I do believe I detect a little bit of shallowness and materialism sprinkled in there some were. But hey feel free to limit your dating options as much as you like just means there will be more hard working middle class men for everyone else...

Hey, as long as she's honest about it.

 

My only concern would be that it's still early for you to settle down. You sure you have enough experience to know what you want for the rest of your life at mid twenty something? =/ Ambitious women can end up paying a boatload of dough in a divorce settlement if they pick wrong too.

[Ninjainpajamas]

There are benefits to the dynamic of having one person more career-minded/driven academically and the like, and one who is more of flexible who doesn't have the same obligations and commitments to this life-long strive for that ultimate carrot on a stick.

 

This comes into the equation of when having kids...I've seen a lot of working professional families without a lot of time for their kids, they ended up having nannies/au-pairs or whomever essentially raising their kids for them...and in some cases would person would "sacrifice" everything they've built and accomplished to stay home and take care of the kids, disrupting that "balance" of both people being over-achievers.

 

And people who are overachievers tend to be identity themselves with hard-work and accomplishments, they have an self-imposed expectation of what they should accomplish or could (which is never enough) and therefore when life kicks in, like family, kids, illness and for some reason or other you "lose it all" in a sense, that person has a very difficult time valuing themselves out of their element...in a sense they become one-dimensional people because without their career or successes they become very vulnerable and even depressed...like if they failed themselves, and that can be a toxic self-image.

 

So it's good to be ambitious and driven, but think about life and your future plans...there are always sacrifices to be made and there are no perfect scenarios, I've seen how a lot of people live and they're making sacrifices one way or the other.

 

You need to decide what kind of life you want to live and what you essentially envision for yourself down the road...but also remember, life is not like your career, you don't just work hard, snap your fingers and make it happen on the romantic level...you can't just find the perfect guy or girl in every single way, you've got do also determine what values within a person is best for you and honestly, I don't know if two very career driven people is the best dynamic when you want to start a family down the road...it's not uncommon either to be offered opportunities that may even require you to relocate or what not.

 

Be careful what you wish for in a sense, don't give up on what you want to a degree, but I think your expectations may be a bit "unrealistic" especially people who compare to their parents relationships or some other relationship they think they know more about than they do....if you expect everything to just combine into this perfect dynamic with the most perfect guy, you're probably going to have a hard time finding that and might be waiting for a very long time for that to happen.

....

 

The career mans point of view of course...is he's in no hurry, and if he's good looking he has options, and he can always date younger and maybe even prefer to, and even much younger, success and money is a great asset in the dating world for men if he knows how to wield it. He has options, he doesn't need to sacrifice and bend over or mold to the high expectations of another career driven woman...he might just want "simple" when it comes to his romantic relationship instead of a battle, somebody more homely and nurturing. He might also want or expect a certain degree of success and education as well....of course on top of beauty and fitness, he might also be looking for the "perfect girl" physically and mentally, and not so much long-term commitment with anything less.

[irc333]

A teacher who eventually wants to be a director or board member? Sure! I dated a guy before (we're still friends) that started off as a teacher and is working his way up the executive board. Just got promoted as a director over a school district. He is really passionate about kids and education and those are noble qualities. I just don't want to drive anyone mad with the level of ambition I have.

 

Both of my exes also run businesses and are very smart people. We parted over personality/stage of life differences, not so much over the career part of it. They were supportive in my entrepreneurial endeavors and vice versa. I'm all for being a go-getter's cheerleader.

 

You're clearly joking right? A Board member or director? I know plenty of people that are retired 20 or 30 year school teachers that had drive an ambition by just being in the position AS a teacher as it involves serious drive and ambition ALONE in that profession.

 

You're falsely assuming things about professions.

 

Ah, they are all former boyfriends or ex's. So this is all really a moot topic. If you're current "male friend" just got promoted as a director, then how come you're no longer with him. This rather invalidates your original post.

[irc333]

Anyhow, in the grand scheme of things, when you're on your death bed, you don't want to be remembered as that person who "worked hard at his/her job."

 

In fact, it's a regret in someone's life when they get older. In fact, I've seen dating profiles of women who were career driven and all of a sudden stopped being career driven by their mid 30's or so and mention how they are "Now looking for that special someone to settle down with."

 

They grew sick of the corporate world and to suggest THAT lacks ambition and what-not suggest that you're more into the superficial. As I said, you have ex's that had such "qualities" but yet you never married them?

 

Sadly, their priorities are more about "career drive and ambition" no mention of love, support, companionship, etc. Sounds rather cold, impersonal, and calculating.

[nomadic_butterfly]

You're clearly joking right? A Board member or director? I know plenty of people that are retired 20 or 30 year school teachers that had drive an ambition by just being in the position AS a teacher as it involves serious drive and ambition ALONE in that profession.

 

You're falsely assuming things about professions.

 

Ah, they are all former boyfriends or ex's. So this is all really a moot topic. If you're current "male friend" just got promoted as a director, then how come you're no longer with him. This rather invalidates your original post.

 

We met like 6 years ago. I was like 20 and he was 21! Seriously? I've moved to several states/countries since then with grad school, etc. We still hang out whenever in town, it just wasn't a romantic match but clearly we are fond enough of each other to remain friends. Do you end up having a happily ever after with everyone you date? No!

 

Yes, he's incredibly ambitious but obviously there are other rounded components that make for a relationship. We STILL live on opposite coasts, etc. What I may have liked/thought important at 21 and still finding myself is much different at 25..26...etc.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Anyhow, in the grand scheme of things, when you're on your death bed, you don't want to be remembered as that person who "worked hard at his/her job."

 

In fact, it's a regret in someone's life when they get older. In fact, I've seen dating profiles of women who were career driven and all of a sudden stopped being career driven by their mid 30's or so and mention how they are "Now looking for that special someone to settle down with."

 

They grew sick of the corporate world and to suggest THAT lacks ambition and what-not suggest that you're more into the superficial. As I said, you have ex's that had such "qualities" but yet you never married them?

 

Sadly, their priorities are more about "career drive and ambition" no mention of love, support, companionship, etc. Sounds rather cold, impersonal, and calculating.

 

Why is there an assumption that I don't comprehend work/life balance? Living in Europe and seeing how they take 30+ days off a year shed a new light. I'm busting my balls NOW so that I can be positioned financially and otherwise to be a BOSS and delegate to people under me, freeing up my time to do the things I love wight the people I love.

 

I love to travel, try new foods, spend time with my family, volunteer, etc. I have a rounded life; I am just putting in the work NOW to enjoy the fruits of my labor LATER.

 

I think it's mainly an American thing to have a preconceived notion that successful people are purely work ALL the time. It doesn't have to be that way. It will not be easy, but having a partner who understands and is in the same boat makes it a heck of a lot easier.

[nomadic_butterfly]

The career mans point of view of course...is he's in no hurry, and if he's good looking he has options, and he can always date younger and maybe even prefer to, and even much younger, success and money is a great asset in the dating world for men if he knows how to wield it. He has options, he doesn't need to sacrifice and bend over or mold to the high expectations of another career driven woman...he might just want "simple" when it comes to his romantic relationship instead of a battle, somebody more homely and nurturing. He might also want or expect a certain degree of success and education as well....of course on top of beauty and fitness, he might also be looking for the "perfect girl" physically and mentally, and not so much long-term commitment with anything less.

 

Thanks for an insightful and objective response. I have no idea where the negative energy is coming from with certain other posters. At the end of the day I don't take it personally because, well, no one knows me personally but I don't feel the need to expound on the many "good" or "noble" things I do in my life for others. Some people prefer simpler lives and I am not knocking them for that but to each his own; we all don't share the same destiny. Geez.

[nomadic_butterfly]

It sounds like your a little bit full of yourself sorry just being honest I can understand wanting some one whose compatible but I do believe I detect a little bit of shallowness and materialism sprinkled in there some were. But hey feel free to limit your dating options as much as you like just means there will be more hard working middle class men for everyone else...

 

Really wasn't trying to be "full of myself" but simply stating my experiences and painting a background. Sorry if that offends you. I have no control how over others see me and yes, I believe in myself and am confident as I should be (and everyone else for that matter). I don't see anything wrong with self awareness and viewing ones self in a positive light. I've been dealt a good hand physically and otherwise. No shame in admitting that.

 

I'm in no way arrogant as that connotes insecurity masked by a pseudo sense of self importance which no one who knows me has ever said about me. Quite the opposite actually. The point was I've had and have the option of taking shortcuts like many women do, but have instead opted to go slow and steady.

[TigerLilly78]

Really wasn't trying to be "full of myself" but simply stating my experiences and painting a background. Sorry if that offends you. I have no control how over others see me and yes, I believe in myself and am confident as I should be (and everyone else for that matter). I don't see anything wrong with self awareness and viewing ones self in a positive light. I've been dealt a good hand physically and otherwise. No shame in admitting that.

 

I'm in no way arrogant as that connotes insecurity masked by a pseudo sense of self importance which no one who knows me has ever said about me. Quite the opposite actually. The point was I've had and have the option of taking shortcuts like many women do, but have instead opted to go slow and steady.

 

Nup doesn't offend me I don't care how you portray yourself as it doesn't affect my life none I will how ever point it out if I see it. Def nothing wrong with being positive and self sufficient agreed im just being honest as to the impression some of your posts are putting out there.

 

I dunno to me being anyone's arm candy is not a "short cut" more of a self sell out just saying..like someone else pointed out at least your honest in the fact material things are a big part of your life and a major part of choosing any potential partners.

 

Me ide rather give a average man a chance long as he has some work ethic or income to were he can support himself and contribute his part to our home cause once they become workaholics ide think it would only serve to take away from a relationship more then it would to add to it..

[BluEyeL]

No, you're not too picky, your standards are reasonable, but be careful not to come across as harsh and masculine. Confidence is attractive, but you need to also cultivate some softness in your approach to make successful dater.

 

I have similar standards, as I'm an Engineering Professor at a major university, and I haven't had trouble meeting successful men. Just make sure you're not coming across as too cold, and you'll be fine. I know smart, successful women who don't realize that they sound like knowitalls, harsh, and unfriendly, and then just decry the complete absence of men at their level. Men like that are plenty, but they don't want to date themselves.

[SawtoothMars]

Oh wow. Thanks for your insight! Highlight valuable. I've never really thought about it like that. I am sure successful men have tons of women out there throwing themselves at them but I definitely couldn't find myself doing that solely because he is successful (or for any other reason really). I'd be the one girl playing it cool, even if I found him physically attractive and knew he had his stuff together. I'd much rather entertain him with interesting conversation and if he so chooses to take it in a romantic direction, I would consider and comply . I'm a bit old school too so I don't really directly approach guys but give the signals with body language if I am interested.

I'm kind of surprised these men are "scares" considering I'd generally think them to be alphas who go in for the kill if they see something they want. They are after all "go-getters;" maybe I had an incorrect assumption?

You're right, I've accused of having masculine energy "emotionally" in that I make decisions based on reason and not so much emotion and as such I will not entertain a futile situation/thought, regardless of how I "feel" if I deem it pointless in the grand scheme of things.

I travel a lot and in every country/city have managed to meet business men and I love our conversations which usually are strictly about business, projects they are working on, etc. Most I've encountered though have been married or living in some far away place that wouldn't make for a long term relationship on a practical level.

I am kind of over online dating.

 

I think it's a mistake to pigeonhole yourself into a particular type of guy like that. To be honest successful guys don't often go around ONLY looking at ambitious women. Plus most of us are married by the time we really get successful. When I was finishing my MBA and starting my side business... my wife was graduating from Medical School.

 

Most guys want a wife... not a competition.

[nomadic_butterfly]

No, you're not too picky, your standards are reasonable, but be careful not to come across as harsh and masculine. Confidence is attractive, but you need to also cultivate some softness in your approach to make successful dater.

 

I have similar standards, as I'm an Engineering Professor at a major university, and I haven't had trouble meeting successful men. Just make sure you're not coming across as too cold, and you'll be fine. I know smart, successful women who don't realize that they sound like knowitalls, harsh, and unfriendly, and then just decry the complete absence of men at their level. Men like that are plenty, but they don't want to date themselves.

 

This was sage advice. Makes me think about things a bit differently. Definitely will work on this aspect of my personality. Thanks!

[Ami1uwant]

I've read this thread and here are my observations....

 

You need to read Rschel agree walk book " have him at hello"

 

You likely come off to aloof and intimidating that it turns off the men.

 

With some very successful men may want a stay at home wife and mom to support him with other things so he can only focus on his job.

 

You seem like the type of woman who will only date a man who makes more than you do.....rather than someone who may be intellectually compatible to you. Thus this makes you come off as a high maintenance gold digger.

[xXMarlboro_ManXx]

Well I meet the OP's criteria I have a corporate job and am involved in two start ups so there is at least someone who would be in your dating pool (if I was single ) My advice would be to go things on meetup.com or other sites like that. There are business professional meetups and entrepreneurial meetups , etc. After that you can at least get a sense of what the field in your area is. I have been to different types of meetups and there were always a lot of guys there (I do work in a male dominated field though).

[nomadic_butterfly]

I've read this thread and here are my observations....

 

You need to read Rschel agree walk book " have him at hello"

 

You likely come off to aloof and intimidating that it turns off the men.

 

With some very successful men may want a stay at home wife and mom to support him with other things so he can only focus on his job.

 

You seem like the type of woman who will only date a man who makes more than you do.....rather than someone who may be intellectually compatible to you. Thus this makes you come off as a high maintenance gold digger.

 

Lol...but gold diggers solely look for men to latch on to; riding their coattails and getting their "lucky break" that way. I highly doubt someone who is doing her own thing (independently), with her own entrepreneurial endeavors fits this bill, especially if she has already turned down wealthy, intelligent men who wanted to just be a sugar daddy/have a an empty trophy.

 

I of course want to be able to reason with my partner about politics, philosophy, culture, art, etc. I'm more concerned with building TOGETHER vs holding on to what he has built. That's very hard to do without a shared vision and work ethic. I am attracted to the mind and spirit of a go-getter yes, and often times they are also intellectuals.

 

My CEO is about to marry a "gold digger" about 9 years his junior and she adds absolutely nothing to the relationship except her looks. Not the sharpest tool in the shed but decent arm candy. He dumped his former gf because although she was physically a knockout, she was a highly intelligent lawyer and he couldn't take the fact that she challenged him in certain ways (not necessarily being combative) and she held him to certain standards. He knew he had to have his shet together with her (as accounted by someone who spilled all the tea to me). She "made him feel insecure" but really the fact that he wants an empty shell shows the greatest insecurity lies within himself. He's incredibly smart and the way his business mind works is fascinating (I can give him that much).

[spiderowl]

I understand what you are saying

 

I can't see my self with someone who are satifsifed with what he's got

 

I want someone who is ambitious like me

 

 

You sure are passing on so many good guys

 

You never know what you can learn from people who work in stores and sales

 

Someone out there is ambitious and you and him can build an empire.. Who knows!

 

Or he can be just that one who pushes you to be better!

 

You need to think about what that would mean in practice. Someone as ambitious as you is likely to be always working to move on, will want to take whatever well-paying opportunity comes along, etc. They will expect you to move with them or they will move on to someone else. They will have little tolerance if you become sick or need to take time off work for childbearing. The kind of guy you think you'd admire may actually be the kind of guy who is insensitive and selfish. You need to think about what personal qualities he needs to have not about ambition and drive.

 

I can totally understand that you'd want an intellectual equal and someone who may be doing well and earning a living, maybe in a management capacity, but someone can be self-employed and doing that or in caring profession. If you find someone like you, you need to be prepared to put up with the down side of ambition.

[TigerLilly78]

I think the OP grew up watching her parents run a business together and thats what her ideals are but what she fails to realize is thats much harder to obtain in today's world then it prob was in her parents era.

 

Its more likely she and her bf would become a corporate couple working in separate jobs in separate companies and having very little time for each other or family kids! least for a very long time until they both become successful.

 

Or as she said she likes older more stable men thats fine but those types want a wife at home keeping the home and family affairs in order I would think..

[nomadic_butterfly]

I think the OP grew up watching her parents run a business together and thats what her ideals are but what she fails to realize is thats much harder to obtain in today's world then it prob was in her parents era.

 

Its more likely she and her bf would become a corporate couple working in separate jobs in separate companies and having very little time for each other or family kids! least for a very long time until they both become successful.

 

Or as she said she likes older more stable men thats fine but those types want a wife at home keeping the home and family affairs in order I would think..

 

Fair enough. This may very well be the reality for most I agree, but looking for the exception and not the rule. ::Fingers crossed::

[SJC2008]

You sound pretty reasonable for the most part. Men are more leinant on income because it's "traditional" for us to support/make more. That being said, I would suggest you broaden your horizon. You can do this by not only seeking corporate men and it may surprise you how many non corporate jobs pay well. Some auto mechanics make $50k plus and can even make nearly $100k. I personally have worked with three who made $85, $85 and $100. Construction equipment mechanics can make good money. Machine programmers can make good money. There are plenty of blue collar jobs that pay well.

[Dusk1983]

I love these threads where women rally round each other saying "don't compromise, sister!"

 

Sorry to break it to you, but unless you're still in your "youthful prime" AND beautiful, it's either compromise or end up alone.

 

An educated, ambitious, financially successful guy will usually take the youngest and most attractive girl he can get. Your own finances are nice but they're not certain to be of any importance to him. He doesn't need the money.

 

So for the vast majority of women there's two options:

 

1) woman prioritizes a man's professional and financial status and compromises on his personality or physical attractiveness. While she's financially bullet proof and can stay at home to raise a family, she soon realises she has no actual feelings for the guy.

 

2) woman does the opposite and chooses the guy she at least has "chemistry" with. Sometimes money is tight, it isn't the future she dreamt of. There's no holidays to exotic islands, and starting a family is scary as she may have to work part time. But at end of the day, she at least has feelings for him.

 

You make your bed, then you have to lie in it.

Edited October 13, 2014 by Dusk1983

[nomadic_butterfly]

LOL...I'm in my mid-20s sir. I wish I were as optimistic as you are :roll eyes:

1/2 of all marriages end in divorce irrespective of the variables involved. You are 100% correct that most of these kind of men may look for the 22 yr old.

In that same vein, everyone doesn't find love at a precise age. It's a bit disrespectful for men to act as if a woman who is over 30 isn't "worthy" of a decent man or is then deemed damaged goods. Yes, I concur that with age the options dwindle but all is not lost and people who marry a little later usually are more mature, stable, already "played the filed," are sure of who they are and what they need to make it work long term.

 

Anyway, I appreciate and respect all the responses thus far regardless of how much I may or may not agree with some of them :-). Thanks!

 

I love these threads where women rally round each other saying "don't compromise, sister!"

 

Sorry to break it to you, but unless you're still in your "youthful prime" AND beautiful, it's either compromise or end up alone.

 

An educated, ambitious, financially successful guy will usually take the youngest and most attractive girl he can get. Your own finances are nice but they're not certain to be of any importance to him. He doesn't need the money.

 

So for the vast majority of women there's two options:

 

1) woman prioritizes a man's professional and financial status and compromises on his personality or physical attractiveness. While she's financially bullet proof and can stay at home to raise a family, she soon realises she has no actual feelings for the guy.

 

2) woman does the opposite and chooses the guy she at least has "chemistry" with. Sometimes money is tight, it isn't the future she dreamt of. There's no holidays to exotic islands, and starting a family is scary as she may have to work part time. But at end of the day, she at least has feelings for him.

 

You make your bed, then you have to lie in it.