Contact by SO with past OW/OM

[Cecelius]

A number of posts here about healing from betrayal indicate that a critical step is to sever all ties with the OW/OM. With due regard to the amount of pain involved by those here on the board whose marriages have been bashed by affairs, and that my question probably looks a little more like The OC than anything else, my question is, what is the reaction of posters here to the following type of scenario:

 

Unmarried b/f or g/f in an LTR but young, college or grad school aged, ends up hooking up with some girl or guy friend who was always "just a friend", regrets it and moves on. Discusses it with the friend, the two agree it was wrong, they weren't as attracted to each other as they thought, timing was off, whatever. They discuss it, decide to remain friends, decide NOT to tell their respective significant others (to spare the pain, whatever).

 

The cheating b/f or g/f ultimately breaks up with the significant other (not because of the cheating, just expiration of youthful, non-marital relationships in the ordinary course). Cheating b/f or g/f moves on to the next new significant other but has some attenuated contact with the male/female friend they cheated with.

 

How many people here would take a pause over that continued relationship?

 

Do the facts of the contact (ie, person lives far away so its limited to email once a year, etc. vs. person still lives in town) minimize it versus making it worse?

 

Is it innappropriate simply because of what happened, or rather, would it be inappropriate IF the old significant other who was cheated on was still in the picture (meaning, it's not the new person's issue)?

 

Are they trustworthy together because they've already tried it and found out it wasn't good, and so that's why it won't happen again?

[Owl]

Would this continued contact be inappropriate? It would depend a lot on what KIND of attenuated contact they shared. How much are they still emotionally investing in each other? How does their current SO feel about that contact?

 

This really doesn't have anything to do with the cheating context you mentioned in your example. The cheating in this case appears irrelevent...unless the cheating occured with an ex?? THEN there could be more cause for concern...the possibility of a habitual cheating method.

 

The "trustworthiness" would depend a lot on the causes of the infidelity. And personally, if the person I was with had cheated with a friend once, yes, I'd have a lot of concern over being with that person while they're maintaining contact with an ex. Again...it depends on the rest of the information. I don't see them as being any safer since 'they tried it once and it didn't work'...quite the opposite in fact...it's more like "they were intimate once, they could be again".

[Cecelius]

The context is more or less a philisophical conversation in which one party (a new SO who has received unsolicited stories from the other, including about this cheating episode) suggests that unfortunate things are best left in the past (why maintain a friendship with someone who you bedded too quickly, who knew your then-SO, and still cheated with you).

 

The other (the historic cheater) suggests that the friend is sanitised because they've actually been down the sex road and found it wanting, and besides, the cheating was on someone ELSE, not you, the new SO.