Really need some help

[Jet Lag]

Then one day you'll wake up and feel indifferent about her.

 

Even that scares me.

 

Deep down I don't want to feel indifferent. To me, that will feel, that what we had wasn't as special as I believed it to be.

 

My ex was my best friend before we became more. That is what is so hard.

 

I used to hang out with him nearly every day even before. Hard to think I won't always miss him.

[Christophe]

Even that scares me.

 

Deep down I don't want to feel indifferent. To me, that will feel, that what we had wasn't as special as I believed it to be.

 

My ex was my best friend before we became more. That is what is so hard.

 

I used to hang out with him nearly every day even before. Hard to think I won't always miss him.

 

I am right with you feeling like this.

[Christophe]

I have been kind of very low, this time last week I felt awful but spoke to my sister and one of my best friends and was really honest about how I have been feeling but they were really supportive and understanding. I know I am lucky to have people who care about me it's just a shame they all live so far from me.

 

I have had a more positive day today thankfully. Saturday nights are always the worst as I tend to think of my ex out having fun while I am sit inside thinking of her feeling miserable. I feel a bit better though tonight after I practiced guitar this afternoon and was looking into buying a car. I really want to do my best to focus myself on these things rather than thinking about Andrea or trying to meet other girls. I still have days where I miss her so badly though. I have dreamed of her every night this week and in one of the dreams we were getting married. I miss the intimacy with her a lot still since I have had none for the past four months since she broke up with me.

 

I have started counselling too which I am hoping will really help me and my mindset about everything.

[Christophe]

Today was a really bad day. My job has become so unbearable. I want to quit but I can't. My boss does not treat me with respect and just criticizes my work saying that it's not good enough. Today he said my performance yesterday was 'abysmal' after I thought I was improving. The thing is I find it very difficult to properly stand up for myself as I have no confidence in the place I am working. I just don't fit in and it is not helping me feel better about myself at all.

 

On top of this I am still trying to deal with and recover from the break up 4 months ago and I am really struggling to see the light right now. I just feel like it is one bad thing after the next in my life now. I feel like I am being punished over and over again. I can't believe how great my life was looking half a year ago and now I feel so **** and worthless and powerless. I am finding it hard to see the hope that things will get better right now.

[Christophe]

I have been struggling the last couple of days and I feel like I'm regressing. I can't believe how I have sunk again after I felt so optimistic on Monday after the weekend.

 

This weekend I was with my friend Carlos (me and my ex's mutual friend) for the first time since after the break up in June. I enjoyed myself with him and his friends and did not think about my ex apart from the beginning of Saturday night when me and Carlos talked about the situation. He said when he saw her a couple of weeks ago in Spain she was very affectionate with her boyfriend and that she is happy. At the time it did sting a bit to know that she is happy back with him and not me but the next couple of days I thought I had changed. I suddenly felt only love for Andrea. No anger anymore. And I honestly thought I am happy that she is happy.

 

I felt really good and positive on Monday and when I spoke to my counsellor she was surprised how calm, in control and confident I was. But yesterday and today it changed back again. So many memories and thoughts of her came flooding back to me and I just felt a great sense of loss and sadness all day. As I write this now I feel like I just really want her back although I know it's never going to happen. For me it seems the positivity never can last too long before hopelessness and sadness returns. I miss being with her and at times like this I really doubt I can ever meet anyone again who makes me feel so good and excited about life.

 

After experiencing the highs of a beautiful relationship I am definitely not a fan of being single. I am doing my best to work on myself but it really does suck not to have a special, beautiful girl in my life anymore.

[Christophe]

Had a rough couple of days feeling very low again and lacking confidence. When I get like this I struggle to see a positive future. I feel as though my confidence has been drained away.

 

I am doing my best to be positive and I am reading books on self-belief and positivity. I am struggling a little socially thought at the moment. I went to a salsa class this week (I have been to another one for a couple of months) and met some new friends and we went to a small bar afterwards. They were all dancing but I did not have enough confidence to get up and dance with them and felt bad about myself. I just felt too self-conscious. I come home from nights like this feeling kind of hopeless and the feeling that romance has gone from my life and I won't ever experience a perfect night again like when I met my ex.

 

It is her birthday today too and this has been on my mind. I am trying not to think about her and I have resisted the temptation to send her a happy birthday text which I think is the right thing. I can't help but miss her tonight though. It still hurts that she will be out with her boyfriend and all her friends having fun without me. I am going back to the doctors next week to see if there is any medication I can take to try and level out my moods. I just feel so hopeless at times and life seems like too much effort. I feel like I could never experience the highs I felt when I was with my ex.