After almost 3 years, we love eachother and we have almost nothing in common

[hikaru]

I know, I need to man up. Wish she was like a past ex, we broke up mutually and were able to live together for a bit.

 

guess she made up her mind. she said I left it all up in the air, so she's making the only decision that makes sense. but since we live together she keeps talking about things. I can't tell if she's trying to reconcile, or just trying to stir the pot.

 

edit-now she's asking me questions, as if things can be fixed. Earlier she shut me down and said I can't have my cake and eat it too when I mentioned living together. Would be good if I had a place to go. Leaving the memories is difficult, but dealing with her like this is worse.

 

edit- so she listened to what I had to say, she wanted to work things out. I said I could have said nothing, and we just keep going along and then when decision time comes and I have to relocate, it ends. In fact, if she and I had no emotions, we could do that.

 

So she asks me "would you want me to go with you, yes or no?", and I answer "no, you'd resent me for taking you away from your life here, you'd be unhappy, and it'd probably all fall apart soon after". She says "yes or no", so the answer is no, out of context.

 

She takes it a step further and asks "so if you don't want me to go with you, why do you even want to be with me? Do you or don't you?" so she simplifies everything and I answer the only way I can, which is "no".

 

She says I shouldn't have said anything. that if I'd just left it up to having to relocate that she would probably have not gone with me. When I tell her I thought I should be upfront and honest about how I was feeling she just says "good for you, glad you feel better about being honest". I know she's hurt and lashing out, but I'm hurt and if she found out I was unhappy and stringing her along, how would that be any better?

Edited October 13, 2014 by hikaru

[Emilia]

She says I shouldn't have said anything. that if I'd just left it up to having to relocate that she would probably have not gone with me. When I tell her I thought I should be upfront and honest about how I was feeling she just says "good for you, glad you feel better about being honest". I know she's hurt and lashing out, but I'm hurt and if she found out I was unhappy and stringing her along, how would that be any better?

You are a doer, a guy who needs to keep moving to feel happy. To progress, to explore, do stuff. She isn't. It's all a hassle for her, you are uprooting the steady, settled life and she resents you for it because she doesn't get it.

 

Some people just want to be left alone, I think. They don't get bored like you, they don't want challenges and learn new things. It sounds to me that the two of you are incompatible hence the incomprehension.

[acrosstheuniverse]

This situation is actually really straight forward. Not easy, but simple in its options.

NEVER, EVER stay with someone just because you're worried about you leaving upsetting them. You can NOT stick around in a relationship where you're unhappy. Life is short.

I'm sure you're no saint either, but if she isn't willing to be mature and discuss a way to go forward in fixing the issues in the relationship, then you have no choice but to walk away. They won't go away by themselves.

 

I can't say how much I agree with this. Once I was the leaver, and had to live with the guy a further six months before he could move out. I saw how bad me ending us hurt him but I had to stick to it because I knew my heart was no longer in it. I never planned for it to work out that way, ending it right after signing a lease, but there was more to the story.

 

Once, I was left, by someone I lived with, who left that night. To this day getting over him/that is still the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and if I ever let myself think back to it it still makes my heart race despite it now being two years later and me being in a happy new relationship. As much as it hurt, I'm glad he believed in me being strong enough to handle it as the only thing worse than what happened would have been him continuing to live with me being unhappy, silently thinking about leaving but playing along while I was the happy idiot, in love and living with the man I loved.

 

OP this relationship isn't working, you are two very different people. There are very few ways of exiting a relationship without at least some pain on at least one side, and I think you're being a little harsh in expecting to end it while living with her, reminding her of the pain every day, and hoping to stay friends. I knew I would never be friends with the boyfriend who left me, the pain was too acute. No hard feelings anymore (mostly) but no, it's not easy to 'stay friends' with somebody who breaks your heart.

 

Can you start focusing on finding somewhere to move out to? And make sure you pay your half of the rent/bills for a couple months to give her chance to get something sorted, as it's not fair to just get up and leave her in the crap financially (my ex did this and I ended up in a lot of debt on top of the heartache).

 

She's lashing out because she's hurting, it's easy for us to sit here and say she shouldn't be being so childish with these yes no questions, but she's living with the man she loves and he's now talking about it ending, every minute of the day now is probably painful for her waiting for it to all culminate in a split, hence stirring the pot and trying to bring it to the surface sooner rather than later. Of course there'll be periods of doubt when she's talking about making it work, but now you've brought up the problems you've put a ticking time bomb on your relationship and dragging it out any longer is just going to cause pain for you both.

 

Time to focus on your future, where you're going to go, what you're going to achieve, the new friends you're going to make. You leaving might be the best thing that ever happens to your ex, she might have to stand on her own two feet, build new social relationships, learn total independence. I know now that even if I could go back in time and change things, I wouldn't change my ex leaving me, although I doubt I could handle that pain again any time soon. This is because now, I know it wasn't right, and in retrospect I can see it and am glad he saw it first and ripped the plaster off. I'm happy now, being together would have held me back professionally due to relocations, and I wouldn't have met my current boyfriend who is wonderful, with whom I never argue, and who is like one of my best friends as well as lover. As for him, things didn't go as well but it's not my problem.

 

Good luck.

[hikaru]

ugh...I have nowhere to go, and she keeps trying to discuss working things out. Asking me why I don't want to try....now I don't know if I do want to try to rekindle or not. I don't know. It's confusing me to see her hurt and upset.

 

it's hard to see clearly, the concerns and issues that brought me to this point when she's constantly asking me about what she can do to fix it. Or if we can at least try.

 

I appreciate all the replies and insight. Just hate feeling like I could be making a mistake.

Edited October 13, 2014 by hikaru

[acrosstheuniverse]

Don't let fear of upsetting her prevent you from leaving. It's all very well thinking you'll look back and think you've made a mistake, but while you actually ARE with her you're having thoughts that it isn't working, so any future thoughts of 'damn, that as a mistake' will probably be rose tinted glasses retrospection.

 

So she's now trying to talk it out, instead of shutting down? Is that a big change in her?

 

Could you not go somewhere for some space just for a week? Then you can think clearly without her badgering you all of the time. Unfortunately she may choose to end it herself if you do this, because it's horrible being left in the lurch, it's really painful. But maybe the only thing that might actually save this, if you want to, is enough space to think straight and realise what you want. You can't really work it out when you're under the same roof, it seems.

[hikaru]

Don't let fear of upsetting her prevent you from leaving. It's all very well thinking you'll look back and think you've made a mistake, but while you actually ARE with her you're having thoughts that it isn't working, so any future thoughts of 'damn, that as a mistake' will probably be rose tinted glasses retrospection.

 

So she's now trying to talk it out, instead of shutting down? Is that a big change in her?

 

Could you not go somewhere for some space just for a week? Then you can think clearly without her badgering you all of the time. Unfortunately she may choose to end it herself if you do this, because it's horrible being left in the lurch, it's really painful. But maybe the only thing that might actually save this, if you want to, is enough space to think straight and realise what you want. You can't really work it out when you're under the same roof, it seems.

 

I think, looking back, for a while something has felt missing, but it was just a tiny blip of a feeling. Lately with the uncertainty of work, where I'll be, I noticed I'm also a little unfulfilled in the relationship, lack of connection? We love eachother, we have great memories, a tiny family with our two dogs, it's loving and comfortable. I still feel like sometimes she and I don't mesh, there's something off.

 

She did shut down the first night, now she's bouncing back and forth between being mad at me for not wanting to try, and telling me she loves me and she wants to fix what's wrong. She says this is her life, so I can see her coming out of her shell to cling to it. She's gone as far to say if this is over she'll move to NJ and live with her mother. Which is odd because part of the reason she wouldn't relocate was because her community and job were here.

 

I honestly didn't want to bring it up yet, because I wanted more time as "us". I know, selfish, but I couldn't not be honest with her.

 

now she wants to go to lunch together...

[Diezel]

What are you doing?

 

STOP KIDDING YOURSELF.

 

You keep holding onto something that'll never exist. The past her that went hiking with you and did all those things she now admits she never wanted to do... is NEVER coming back. Deal with that.

 

Right now she is talking about working things out because her way of life is being threatened right now.

 

Of course she is going to want to go to lunch and do things now, because she'd rather make the small sacrifice to keep HER happiness going. This isn't about YOU, this is about HER... to her. And she's going to do whatever it takes to get what she wants.

 

You should be doing the same.

 

And the fact that you two both want completely different lives, should be a clear indicator of you. You want more time together with her? Doing what? You seem downright unhappy with her comfort level in the relationship. You keep expecting her to turn into someone that she is clearly never going to become. So what are you doing?

 

I'll tell you what.

 

You are secretly hoping that SHE has the balls to end it so that none of the fault nor the guilt is on you, so that one day when you look back, you have no regrets... because hey, SHE ended it... not YOU.

 

What are you going to look back and regret? Honestly.

[Tayken]

@OP.....what is it you are basing this "love" on then, if in the same sentence you claim you have "nothing" in common? I hate to brake it to you, but unlike magnets, opposites don't attract when it comes to humans.

 

It sounds to me that this "love" is based on infatuation, and I can tell you that once it runs its course, the truth shall be revealed. I am sure you've heard of people getting married after long term dating, only to split months later?

[hikaru]

@OP.....what is it you are basing this "love" on then, if in the same sentence you claim you have "nothing" in common? I hate to brake it to you, but unlike magnets, opposites don't attract when it comes to humans.

 

It sounds to me that this "love" is based on infatuation, and I can tell you that once it runs its course, the truth shall be revealed. I am sure you've heard of people getting married after long term dating, only to split months later?

 

In the beginning we were both seeking out someone else who was interested in living "locally", or "green". So we found a common interest in local foods/restaurants, both liked to just sit and relax after a long day. It was nice. Not really infatuation. There was passion. There isn't really any now.

 

But common interests don't necessarily mean two people are compatible. We're animal lovers, both have similar spiritual beliefs, and we're dog lovers. I'm just assuming we're at least partially compatible given how easy it is to just live with her. It's a loving relationship, we both think of one another and do things for one another all the time. Still, you're right, maybe I just hung onto the comfort of the thing, glossed over issues because I had a life, she had a life, and we just came together at home to relax together.

 

It's not like I'm worried about being alone after all this, I'm more worried that I'm throwing away something that has value. I mean, I look at married couples and I see me and my SO, we have our own lives, and we share a home life. But the lack of passion is most concerning beyond lack of shared interests.

Edited October 14, 2014 by hikaru

[melodymatters]

In the beginning we were both seeking out someone else who was interested in living "locally", or "green". So we found a common interest in local foods/restaurants, both liked to just sit and relax after a long day. It was nice. Not really infatuation. There was passion. There isn't really any now.

 

But common interests don't necessarily mean two people are compatible.

 

But the lack of passion is most concerning beyond lack of shared interests.

 

Your Title caught my eye because I had JUST written in the age gap thread that my H and I had very little "on paper" in common but were more in love and closer than ever as we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary.

 

That's why I bolded the above. Liking the same foods or bands means VERY little in the long run IMO, but being passionate about each other and the relationship is pretty much the whole ball game. Not sexual passion, though that's important too, but passionate about each other. Not each giving 50%, each giving 100%, putting their needs and "Our" relationship above say... my love for sushi or his love for Call of Duty.

 

We think each other is so precious that we WANT each other to be fulfilled and happy, so if I, the extrovert goes to a party alone for a few hours, while he decompresses with a video game, we both win and come together stronger than ever.

 

THAT is what seems to be missing in your relationship. We also communicate a lot. I tend to start it and I know he is sometimes scared it might lead to a fight, but I tell him " I just need you to hear me, I love you, we are a team and to make us stronger I think maybe XYZ, what do YOU think ?"

 

No one ever really knows what's really going on in others relationships. Just some food for thought....

[Tayken]

Liking the same foods or bands means VERY little in the long run IMO, but being passionate about each other and the relationship is pretty much the whole ball game. Not sexual passion, though that's important too, but passionate about each other.

 

Not to take anything away from this, but you are ONLY at year 3. I mean how do you think those 10-30 odd year relationships that end started? Opposites are NEVER going to attract, and if they do temporarily, it isn't going to last.

 

I see you mentioned communication and it sounded like it is one way to me. What about mutual respect?

 

My marriage that ended like most people started off with boat loads of passion, but you soon realize there is more to this after a while.

[melodymatters]

Not to take anything away from this, but you are ONLY at year 3. I mean how do you think those 10-30 odd year relationships that end started? Opposites are NEVER going to attract, and if they do temporarily, it isn't going to last.

 

I see you mentioned communication and it sounded like it is one way to me. What about mutual respect?

 

My marriage that ended like most people started off with boat loads of passion, but you soon realize there is more to this after a while.

 

You posed some excellent questions, let me try to answer them for MY relationship, I can't even pretend to divine the future of others !

 

My parents will reach their 50th wedding anniversary next year and basically my mom IS my husband and I am a clone of my dad. They love and respect each other and both "give" a little to make their partner happy. I DID date someone who was like a tall, male "me" and we tore each other apart. Opposites may not work for YOU Takyn, but they seem to for my parents, myself and my husband.

 

I DO tend to start the "talks", why ? Because he is a very typical male: if it ain't broke don't fix it. I am very loving, kind, giving and complimentary towards him. I TRY and drag complaints out of him so nothing festers, but really, we treat each other like gold, so it's very seldom we have to even have official " Talks". I mentioned that mostly for the OP. I love to cook and make gourmet meals, I love sex, and am still the same size I was at 16. I enjoy hanging out with his friends and encourage him to hang out with them alone. One of the reasons I adore him is he isn't a whiney "over think everything "guy, he's a man of simple needs and pleasures. ( MOST my partners have been like this, it is something I am attracted to and seems to work. Let the other chicks have the tortured poet/artist/psuedo intellectual types !)

 

And of course we DO have many non surface things in common. We both tend to judge/rate/trust people the exact same after first meeting. We will say the same thing at the same time a LOT. We like a lot of the same movies, TV shows and bands. We like warm weather, nature and beaches and animals.We don't overly prioritize money but need enough to be comfortable. We don't sweat the small stuff and pick our battles wisely.We both wear a lot of black, lol.

 

My point wasn't to say opposites work BEST, just that similar values when it comes to prioritizing relationships might just be the MOST important of all.That communication, kindness, openness, friendship and wanting the best for each other can and often does make up for all those "lacking on paper" twinships.

 

The OP's situation sounds like he's already checked out, and she isn't willing to compromise, talk OR listen, so....

[Gloria25]

It's not just the "lack of passion" here....

 

If I've read the OPs postings here, his gf "appeared" to have similar interests that he had, but over time not only does she not appear to have those interests, she:

 

-Has no life outside of him and hanging around their home.

 

-When he tries to discuss things with her, she gets pouty and even storms off in a huff.

 

-Spending a lot of time on the computer.

 

Dating, is to figure out if you are a match (unless you just want some companionship). It takes about 1 1/2 to 2 years to figure out if for sure you are a match, cuz, like in the instant case, while the gf "appeared" to have similar interests as he did...over time, we see that it "appears" that she does not have those interests anymore.

 

He lack of a "life" is gonna result in her one day being "bored" and end up sitting around eating bon-bons, or sleeping with a co-worker or something (trying to fill her boredom).

 

And, she apparently cannot resolve conflict and/or communicate with him - which is essential in ANY RL, cuz conflict is a part of life.

 

About the computer? Is she already looking for excitement online or something?

 

So, to the OP...you've spent enough time with her to learn what she's about. Time to make a decision...I believe you have to weigh what's important to you, and I think "lack of passion" is not the only issue here.

[hikaru]

It's not just the "lack of passion" here....

 

If I've read the OPs postings here, his gf "appeared" to have similar interests that he had, but over time not only does she not appear to have those interests, she:

 

-Has no life outside of him and hanging around their home.

 

-When he tries to discuss things with her, she gets pouty and even storms off in a huff.

 

-Spending a lot of time on the computer.

 

Dating, is to figure out if you are a match (unless you just want some companionship). It takes about 1 1/2 to 2 years to figure out if for sure you are a match, cuz, like in the instant case, while the gf "appeared" to have similar interests as he did...over time, we see that it "appears" that she does not have those interests anymore.

 

He lack of a "life" is gonna result in her one day being "bored" and end up sitting around eating bon-bons, or sleeping with a co-worker or something (trying to fill her boredom).

 

And, she apparently cannot resolve conflict and/or communicate with him - which is essential in ANY RL, cuz conflict is a part of life.

 

About the computer? Is she already looking for excitement online or something?

 

So, to the OP...you've spent enough time with her to learn what she's about. Time to make a decision...I believe you have to weigh what's important to you, and I think "lack of passion" is not the only issue here.

 

she does have a life, but the social aspect of it, is here(with me). she does yoga and attends her UU church. Thats basically what her life is outside of us. We have gone to shows, concerts, a few times, but like I said, she keeps her interests to herself and so even when I've gone with her, it's still felt like it was just us.

 

I don't know where this bit about the computer comes in. I don't remember saying she sits in front of it. If anything she's a bookworm, and always spends free time reading.

Edited October 14, 2014 by hikaru

[Tayken]

@melodymatters...thanks for elaborating on your initial point, and if you don't mind me saying, you guys look cute together in that avatar

 

My parents have been married for over 50 odd yrs also, but what I noticed growing up about my parents is that Mum liked to wind my dad up, but he was always wise enough to not take the bait.

 

Oh, before I forget, my username is NOT "Takyn"

 

I am very loving, kind, giving and complimentary, I also love to cook and make gourmet meals, and like damn good shag. However, I am naturally inquisitive, a thinker and a planner. So am NOT this typical male you speak of that does the "if it ain't broke don't fix". My line of work also requires me to always move with the times and seeks better means to execute tasks.

 

I wear a lot of Blue, as opposed to the Goth Black I also find it hard like some men to relinquish over 50% of tasks / chores to a partner. I always have to be involved especially when it comes to parenting. I am more involved than most dads and moms e.g. health, school, activities, etc, and have been from day 1.

[melodymatters]

I think you HAVE your answer OP, it just scares you.

 

If my husband ever posted how little we had in common I would know that HE was not happy and i would want us both to be free to find happiness. We have enough in common to keep US happy, but like i've been saying all along, every relationship, and human being is very different.

 

Just don't think you are doing her any favors by hanging on if your heart is not in it. THAT would be so much worse than any break up to me !

[hikaru]

I know, I do love her, so I don't want to put her through a relationship where one of us just settles and pretends to be happy and fulfilled.

 

I'm going to take some time away in my home state to see family and make take some solitary hikes with my dog. I need to get away from the stresses here to think clearly even if the conclusion is already transparent.

[Bella2]

Just answer this 1 question: do you want to continue like this for another 30 years? Yes/No

[melodymatters]

I know, I do love her, so I don't want to put her through a relationship where one of us just settles and pretends to be happy and fulfilled.

 

I'm going to take some time away in my home state to see family and make take some solitary hikes with my dog. I need to get away from the stresses here to think clearly even if the conclusion is already transparent.

 

Great idea ! I commend you for taking the time and effort needed to make such an important decision. You DO want to make sure it's not a "Grass is Greener" situation. We all know there WILL be a different set of problems with the "next" partner regardless. You sound like an educated and compassionate man who wants to do the best thing for everyone involved, I wish you all the luck in the world !

[Astron]

Damn, how similar is your situation to mine... . I'm happy that you take a short break and clear your mine. Coincidentally, is what I'm also doing for a few days in my case. I also thank to all contributors to this topic. They make me see the things better also in my case.

[hikaru]

Just answer this 1 question: do you want to continue like this for another 30 years? Yes/No

 

I'm going to take all the questions like this and maybe make a journal/log over the next few days while I'm away. Too many thoughts are bouncing around in my head to really see the direction I need to go.

[Diezel]

I'm going to take all the questions like this and maybe make a journal/log over the next few days while I'm away. Too many thoughts are bouncing around in my head to really see the direction I need to go.

 

If you couldn't answer "YES" right away, then you already have your answer.

 

But by all means, take the time you need for reflection. Sometimes disconnecting can reconnect us.

[hikaru]

So this definitely doesn't sound like a G.I.G.S. situation?

[Diezel]

Seriously? G.I.G.S?

 

This is more ANY grass is greener... and not a syndrome, but the real thing. You sound like you are just content. Not even happy. You'd rather have the thing you can settle on than just being alone.

[mightycpa]

Green girls.

 

Seriously, what did you expect? Somebody who would doll themselves up with products that are tested on animals and keep the house clean with elbow grease instead of chemicals? Somebody who gets along with the vast majority of people instead of judging them for how they live in modern society?

 

You want to eat your cake and have it too.

 

Maybe you should go hug a tree instead of your gf.