StrangerThanFiction Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 I've been noticing lately that any time I start thinking about the more painful aspects of my recent break up it scramble to think of anything else instead of pacing through it. I've heard people say that in order to heal you need to experience and go through all these feelings in order to put them behind you and move past them for good. My question is, is what I'm doing by avoiding feeling the negative emotions associated with these memories helpful for my healing or just putting off the inevitable? I don't want them to come back and bite me later. Should I just have a sit and pick through them and feel it all or keep doing what I'm doing? Thoughts?
JDPT Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 I've been instructed to dismiss thoughts of the past when they inadvertently enter my brain. I've been doing this for roughly a year or so and I'm questioning just now how effective this is. I feel as if I'm just simply trying to avoid and perhaps not deal with these thoughts when in reality I should be tackling them and addressing them differently, I don't know. I just don't know exactly what it means when people say "deal with your emotions and process them. How is it that we are supposed to do this exactly???????? 1
hedyo Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 I think there's a fine line between going though the pain and dwelling on the pain. It's important to feel your feelings and cry and scream and let it out, especially at first. However, you don't need to keep upsetting yourself for weeks on end. I think the advice to process your emotions etc is more relevant to those who avoid their feelings completely by drinking a lot, finding a new partner immediately, pretending they are fine, not talking about it, etc. Most of us are much more at risk of spending too long focusing on our pain. In general, I think a good rule is to be as "in the moment" as possible. When the breakup is fresh, being in the moment means feeling that pain. However, when weeks and months and even years have passed, staying stuck on the pain means being stuck in the past. Then, forcing yourself to be present and focusing on other aspects of your life is a better option. 2
lakerman34 Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 Now is not the time to remember the good, pleasant, awesome moments. Remember the moments you hated being with her, and trust me, they do exist. A movie that is GREAT post-breakup (and oft misinterpreted) is 500 Days of Summer. Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character insists he has found the girl of his dreams, and his little sister insist he look back on the relationship, and he realizes that moments he thought were so great really weren't after all. We idealize these girls that we date during the BREAKUP, but we have to remember how things REALLY were. For me, I remember being out with my now ex-girlfriend just a week or two before my breakup. I remember dancing with her and staring at the girls behind her, wanting that freedom, and being afraid that her friends (who were with us) would catch me staring at other girls. Or the washer/dryer fight where she was so clearly, incredibly wrong and irrational (all people I tell the story to are confused as to why she thought the way she did), and it blew up into an unnecessary HUGE fight. Or the fact that I was ALWAYS thinking that we had a deadline. We wouldn't last forever. The fact that she and her roommate would blast and sing along to Lion King lyrics almost every night as if they were ten years old. Hell, even the one time we 69ed, and her butt smelled like, well, butt, and I couldn't enjoy it. I didn't tell her, but I found that moment repulsive. If you're about to engage in sexual activity, make sure you're completely clean. The list goes on and on. I recommend typing it out all nice and neat, put it in your pillowcase. Before you go to bed, when thoughts of "ugh I miss her" come to your head, pull it out and read it. Remember the BAD, not the GOOD. You can remember the GOOD when you're completely over her, barely remember her name, and are looking/dating other girls. Every girl is "the perfect girl for [me]" until another girl comes along. Every girl is WAY better than the last. Remember that. There's always a bigger, better car around the corner. 1
JDPT Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 I think there's a fine line between going though the pain and dwelling on the pain. It's important to feel your feelings and cry and scream and let it out, especially at first. However, you don't need to keep upsetting yourself for weeks on end. I think the advice to process your emotions etc is more relevant to those who avoid their feelings completely by drinking a lot, finding a new partner immediately, pretending they are fine, not talking about it, etc. Most of us are much more at risk of spending too long focusing on . I can certainly resonate with this. I'm currently at 1.5 years post BU and quiet honestly one of the reasons I made tremendous progress during the first few months post BU was because I was completely sober, I mean absolutely nothing, I had no desire to alter myself as I was dealing with enough pain as is. However, something occurred at around month 10 where I caved in and started smoking/drinking and completely neglected my emotional recovery. It was all downhill from there. Additionally, I found out not too long ago that she's in a new relationship which clearly took my pretty close to square one. At this point I'm trying to pick myself up all over again. My days are difficult but I can only look at myself and learn from this as voluntarily wanted to know whether she was in a new relationship or not. I can admit that at some point post BU I felt great, I thought I had accepted the fact that I needed to move forward with life and heal and that's where I need to be again. I need to focus on me and get through this. I don't want to feel the pain anymore, it's both mentally and physically exhausting. I need to recover from this and find a better place. 1
Author StrangerThanFiction Posted October 4, 2014 Author Posted October 4, 2014 I've been instructed to dismiss thoughts of the past when they inadvertently enter my brain. I've been doing this for roughly a year or so and I'm questioning just now how effective this is. I feel as if I'm just simply trying to avoid and perhaps not deal with these thoughts when in reality I should be tackling them and addressing them differently, I don't know. I just don't know exactly what it means when people say "deal with your emotions and process them. How is it that we are supposed to do this exactly???????? That's where I'm at right now too. I feel that just pushing the negative thoughts and emotions away isn't really addressing them or "processing" them. It's like slapping a bandaid over a hideous wart to hide it instead of actually doing something to get rid of it entirely, you know? What I've tried doing today is letting the hurtful thoughts and memories flow instead of pushing them away. Just let them run their course through my mind and feel everything that's attached to them instead of trying to distract myself from it like I usually do. It sucked, but I noticed a slight change. After I let all the pain in and let it flow through me it was gone and I felt a bit better for awhile. The memories and feelings came back later but this time it was slightly...different. And slightly less than the first time I let it happen. I don't know if this will make sense to anyone who's not living in my head lol. But I think maybe I'll try doing this and see what happens? 1
Author StrangerThanFiction Posted October 4, 2014 Author Posted October 4, 2014 I think there's a fine line between going though the pain and dwelling on the pain. It's important to feel your feelings and cry and scream and let it out, especially at first. However, you don't need to keep upsetting yourself for weeks on end. I think the advice to process your emotions etc is more relevant to those who avoid their feelings completely by drinking a lot, finding a new partner immediately, pretending they are fine, not talking about it, etc. Most of us are much more at risk of spending too long focusing on our pain. In general, I think a good rule is to be as "in the moment" as possible. When the breakup is fresh, being in the moment means feeling that pain. However, when weeks and months and even years have passed, staying stuck on the pain means being stuck in the past. Then, forcing yourself to be present and focusing on other aspects of your life is a better option. I agree with this completely and that's a really great way to put it in perspective! That definitely helped to clarify some things in my head. I think I was afraid that I was being one of those people who was avoiding their emotions and feelings instead of accepting that they're there and dealing with them head on. Thank you
JDPT Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 That's where I'm at right now too. I feel that just pushing the negative thoughts and emotions away isn't really addressing them or "processing" them. It's like slapping a bandaid over a hideous wart to hide it instead of actually doing something to get rid of it entirely, you know? What I've tried doing today is letting the hurtful thoughts and memories flow instead of pushing them away. Just let them run their course through my mind and feel everything that's attached to them instead of trying to distract myself from it like I usually do. It sucked, but I noticed a slight change. After I let all the pain in and let it flow through me it was gone and I felt a bit better for awhile. The memories and feelings came back later but this time it was slightly...different. And slightly less than the first time I let it happen. I don't know if this will make sense to anyone who's not living in my head lol. But I think maybe I'll try doing this and see what happens? I've read this approach somewhere online in the past. Rather than masking them or pushing them away, simply "observe" them and let them come and go. But how does one end ruminating if we are simply letting these emotions in? This question was actually answers in the article I read. I think i torture myself more when I don't allow myself to feel these thoughts and emotions of the past. It's as easy as hearing a song to make my eyes watery. The other day I actually let the tears flow rather than fighting the desire to allow them to roll down my cheeks. Now every opportunity I get I'm going to let myself feel and cry until I'm all cried out.
nostaljathing000 Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 A 50-month relationship ended for me back in June. I committed a lot of time and energy towards working on myself and my bonds with friends and family while at the same time reflecting back on the relationship. My time with my beloved ones helped me find a sense of fulfillment, while different than what my former partner gave me, was good enough to make me feel wholesome. This made my reflection time over the relationship much more bearable. Although it really stung initially to think of no reconciliation or friendship any time soon, I was able to do it and 'process' the breakup in manageable chunks. I guess I was able to compartmentalize the pain and take it in as those little chunks, and now I feel completely fine emotionally--no more post breakup stress, anxiety, etc. While I am not over her, I can look back fondly on our old memories with no pain at all. I know I will not be over her for quite some time, and that is exactly why I will remain completely out of contact with her (have been since two days after the breakup. it was her idea). However, having actually gone THROUGH the grieving process and not around it, I am emotionally intact and fully functioning as an independent human being. It was worth those first few months of excruciating pain.
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