ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 That's different than your original story. And no one is saying it's all your fault. Your H has to own some accountability too. Some of us are just saying that it took both of you to get to this place and it will take both of you to fix it or to move on. Funny, thats exactly how I read her original story. Shes entitled to withhold if she has legitimate concerns about her sexual health, yes? It appears her husband could have done something about this 18months ago...now who's passive aggressive? Old dhirt, I get whst you are saying, but you are coming down way too hard. The martial issues are on BOTH, but your tone seems to land squarely on OP. Harsh. 1
oldshirt Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 Old dhirt, I get whst you are saying, but you are coming down way too hard. The martial issues are on BOTH, but your tone seems to land squarely on OP. Harsh. Part of that is because I don't have access to him or his side. If he came on here whining that his wife hadn't put out in over two years and that he had cheated two years prior and was refusing to address it and just letting it fester while he runs around doing God knows what at night, I would come down on him too. Even assuming he hasn't cheated, what has he done other than saying, "no I haven't", has he done to resolve this??? What kind of man goes over two years with his wife pouting and giving him the cold shoulder and does nothing about it??? Even if he didn't cheat two years ago, he probably is NOW after this has been allowed to drag on and fester for years. He needs to take a big hunk of ownership here too if he wants to get past this with an intact marriage. The point I'm trying to make is the STD test is a legitimate point if there is reasonable evidence that physical infidelity occured. But is is just a drop in the bucket. The contempt and distrust and dysfunction run so deep I don't think that it alone will hold much relevance. I called BS on her assertion that she'd lay him like tile if he came home with test results tonight because I think their issues run so deep they wouldn't even get past hello.
Spark1111 Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 Part of that is because I don't have access to him or his side. If he came on here whining that his wife hadn't put out in over two years and that he had cheated two years prior and was refusing to address it and just letting it fester while he runs around doing God knows what at night, I would come down on him too. Even assuming he hasn't cheated, what has he done other than saying, "no I haven't", has he done to resolve this??? What kind of man goes over two years with his wife pouting and giving him the cold shoulder and does nothing about it??? Even if he didn't cheat two years ago, he probably is NOW after this has been allowed to drag on and fester for years. He needs to take a big hunk of ownership here too if he wants to get past this with an intact marriage. The point I'm trying to make is the STD test is a legitimate point if there is reasonable evidence that physical infidelity occured. But is is just a drop in the bucket. The contempt and distrust and dysfunction run so deep I don't think that it alone will hold much relevance. I called BS on her assertion that she'd lay him like tile if he came home with test results tonight because I think their issues run so deep they wouldn't even get past hello. Well, I agree with many of your points. Surprised? Maybe the pregnancy became a beard for her mistrust of him; maybe she really was scared he wasn't faithful and that WOULD or potentially COULD hurt the baby. Yes! Lots of issues. But IF I said, please do this one thing to reassure me and we will resume this night, week, month.....and a man refuses to do that one thing...old shirt, as a woman, I must say that is a HUGE red flag for me..... Especially if there is video phone sex and Craig's list BJs in the past. Move on girl. He doesn't love you ENOUGH to be your life partner. 1
BetrayedH Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 I'd have to say it was a huge mistake to withhold sex during the pregnancy. I imagine you've gathered that by now. The only real reason I mention it is that I think you're going to have to present some ultimatums to your husband if you want to get this marriage back on track but this is one area where you need to accept some fault. Oldshirt may have been a bit harsh on you but at the same time, a unilateral decision to keep your husband in a sexless marriage during your pregnancy was short-sighted at best. It's probably best if you own that, concede the point, and show that your marital problems aren't completely one-sided. That said, you don't own your husband's piss poor decision to cheat. Frankly, I don't believe his story about it being some accidental recording (of what, exactly?). His decision to cheat, delete the recording, and refuse STD testing has landed you here and I see nothing wrong with opting out of sex until you get some results. That said, I think it's time to up the ante. His choice now should be that you either schedule his STD test and marriage counseling or you schedule an appointment with a divorce attorney. 3
stillafool Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 I did not willingly choose to not have sex after baby.he cheated and I was upset obviously,then asked for a test which he initially agreed to and did not follow through.yes I withheld sex during pregnancy, but not because I was passive aggressive. I do not believe this is all my fault. So what are you going to do if he never gets tested?
Author hurtandconfused2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Author Posted October 8, 2014 Thank you everyone. I do realize it was wrong of me to not have sex during pregnant.I was one of those overly cautious people. In the past, he went through issues where he turned me away too....I her thought to cheat. It would never be an option on my end. Like I said,I heard a recording of my h and another woman having sex.I listened untkili could hear him because I was in disbelief. I stopped listening beause I was 9 months pregnant and thought I would go into labor at the moment. I should have never called him right after as he denied and deletd the recording.at the time I was deeply hurt but being that I gave birth the next week, I put it aside for about a month until it all hit me. With postpartum hormones, yes I was angry. But I wanted my family. So we went to MC where it was addressed,among other issues. Like I said it was agreed that he would get tested and it hurts that he hasn't findthe time to do so. It would have meant a lot to me if he would have had the papers to show he is ready when I am.so now that still stands in our way, when at the very least h could have done that. Now he does nor want to get one because he says it was not physical. But I'm not dumb and I will not take a chance with my health. I am still nursing and there is no way I want to myself or my baby at risk.
oldshirt Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 So we went to MC where it was addressed,among other issues. Like I said it was agreed that he would get tested and it hurts that he hasn't findthe time to do so. It would have meant a lot to me if he would have had the papers to show he is ready when I am.so now that still stands in our way, when at the very least h could have done that. Now he does nor want to get one because he says it was not physical. But I'm not dumb and I will not take a chance with my health. I am still nursing and there is no way I want to myself or my baby at risk. Did the counselor address this recording issue? Did the counselor think that he had physically cheated and recommend the STD testing? Has he steadfastly maintained from day-one that it was never physical? What were the recommendations of the counselor?
Author hurtandconfused2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Author Posted October 8, 2014 Did the counselor address this recording issue? Did the counselor think that he had physically cheated and recommend the STD testing? Has he steadfastly maintained from day-one that it was never physical? What were the recommendations of the counselor?[/Q He maintained to the counselor that it was not physical and like I said he wouldget tested.we stopped going BC he knew what we both needed to do and frankly had other issues.he also got a DUI last year so it has been tough. In essence, it has been a work in progress to be a family man but he has made some improvements.
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 He can deny it all he wants, you heard the tape. Whether or not he actually had physical sex, he had fool around sex (without getting into details, I'm sure you know where I'm going with this..) and still can get STD's. Don't let him touch you until you get proof and a record from his Dr that is clean. It is your health and your baby's health at risk! He hasn't earned your trust back at all, he's lied and denied so until he shows you otherwise, re think if he's worth fighting for.
stillafool Posted October 8, 2014 Posted October 8, 2014 He obviously does not have interest in having sex with you since he won't get tested. He knows that is the only thing standing between the two of you actually having sex again and he won't do it. He is a man and needs a release so you have to ask yourself who is doing this for him since it isn't you. Why is he comfortable with this situation? You seem to be the only one who is sexually frustrated.
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