I guess we're done

[sadsoymilk]

I feel so ridiculous. I've been crying all night and morning and I need to vent.

 

I am in college, and I have only had one relationship so far in my life. (I was with my ex all 4 years of high school, but that ended poorly- he cheated on me constantly, we were off and on, etc etc). Over the summer, I met this guy - he was a new employee at my summer job that I have had for two years now, and we hit it off right away. He was obviously very interested in me, and while we were becoming friends and getting to know each other, he constantly told mutual friends of ours (and all of his other friends as well) that I was the most beautiful girl he's ever met, and that I'm perfect and he's never liked someone so much... that kind of thing. I found out that, just like me, he had only had one other relationship, it was off-and-on, she cheated on him - we totally understood what each other had gone through.

 

After working with him, hanging out every night and getting to know each other for about a month and half, we started seeing each other exclusively. Because it was such a fast-paced thing and that is very unusual for me, we decided we were not in a serious relationship, but that we were exclusively dating each other - if that makes sense. He reassured me that he was perfectly okay with this, he loved that I wanted to take it slow, and that he was so excited to be able to call himself my boyfriend someday. Everything was perfect. He really was the sweetest, most genuine guy I had ever met, let alone been romantic with.

 

Fast forward to August - (for reference, this summer romance all started in May) I left to go to school 4 hours away. We had a long talk before, in which we agreed to try to do this long distance thing. He assured me that he would visit me all the time, and I said we could switch off driving to each other, and in fact, he was going to see me the first weekend I was gone. The first week was fine - constant contact, pictures, phone calls - he said he was writing me letters and that he couldn't wait to see me.

 

Obviously, that never happened. He didn't visit me, either. In fact, after that first week, he stopped contacting me at all. Worried, I sent numerous texts, tried to call, etc - days would pass, he would send a short message saying he was incredibly busy but everything's fine, and then nothing. After two weeks of being ignored (I knew he was on social media, posting pictures of himself with friends and such, but not answering any calls or texts of mine) I was incredibly distressed and I reached out to a mutual friend. She told me that he was acting completely normal, they had just worked together the other night and he talked about how he was going to come see me ASAP, he misses me, etc. I was confused - why couldn't he tell ME that everything was fine? Obviously, something was going on.

 

This situation was never resolved. I've received maybe 3 texts from him in the past 2 and a half months. I'm not stupid, I know he obviously doesn't care about me anymore, but I can't understand where it came from? His birthday was two weeks ago, and I left a voicemail wishing him a happy birthday, and stupidly bought him a present, which i still have sitting in my room. I'm going home next week, and I texted telling him that I was coming and that I needed to see him so that I could give him the present and get some clothes and personal things that I left in his apartment (he had reassured me that I could leave them because he would be seeing me again soon - ha) but I never got a response. I know where he lives and that his roommate would let me in, but I feel anxious and weird about just stopping by without making plans first. I'm incredibly hurt by his sudden cold shoulder towards me and I cannot understand why such a great start to a relationship just shattered into pieces. If it was the distance, he would have told me beforehand that he didn't want to try that - right? I'm at a loss. How do I move on when I don't even know what's happened?

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Gosh it seems when you fast forwarded, all the details skipped... Like I think nobody will know why as well???

 

Well, I think I know what has happened... Since you moved into a LDR with him, he probably found another girl. We can guess, but if you were not having sex, his thinking into what he has with you, may have been easy to break off. As men can feel insecure in an LDR, they feel nothing can be shared of personal importance. So he may have moved on, in respect to nothing wrong with you in general.

 

There is not much to go on, as everyone will have their take on it, whether or not they have similar experiences.

[sadsoymilk]

Gosh it seems when you fast forwarded, all the details skipped... Like I think nobody will know why as well???

 

 

Oh - I thought I was writing too long and boring of a post, so I didn't bother! Haha. well the entire summer we just worked together, and when we got off work we always left together. I stayed at his apartment very often, sometimes for a week straight. We did not have sex, because going slow was important to us, but we did have physical intimacy, as well as sleeping together in his bed. Everything was pretty much perfect, so there's not much to say. We had long conversations about our futures, meeting each other's families - I was friends with all of his closest friends - he wanted me to come over to his family's place on Christmas... The only weird detail I can think to mention is that his manipulative ex attempted to call him and send him pictures a few times - but he always told me when it happened, and he immediately blocked her number (at least that's what he told me..)

 

If it sounds like details are missing, that's exactly why I am so confused - because they are. The last long conversation I had with him that first week was entirely normal, and absolutely nothing since, besides one or two texts of "I'm sorry I'm busy".

 

You're probably right that he found someone else.. there's no other reason for this that I can think of.. but it's just so weird to me, because he admitted that he hasn't had feelings for anyone since his ex, and that it's very rare that he likes someone - which is the same way I am. Maybe everything was a total lie? I don't think the ex is back in the picture, because I have (guiltily) checked her social media and she is still in the same relationship that she has been in for the past 8 months (the new guy is his best friend.. or, was his best friend. that gives you a good idea of how awful she is)

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Oh - I thought I was writing too long and boring of a post, so I didn't bother! Haha. well the entire summer we just worked together, and when we got off work we always left together. I stayed at his apartment very often, sometimes for a week straight. We did not have sex, because going slow was important to us, but we did have physical intimacy, as well as sleeping together in his bed. Everything was pretty much perfect, so there's not much to say. We had long conversations about our futures, meeting each other's families - I was friends with all of his closest friends - he wanted me to come over to his family's place on Christmas... The only weird detail I can think to mention is that his manipulative ex attempted to call him and send him pictures a few times - but he always told me when it happened, and he immediately blocked her number (at least that's what he told me..)

 

If it sounds like details are missing, that's exactly why I am so confused - because they are. The last long conversation I had with him that first week was entirely normal, and absolutely nothing since, besides one or two texts of "I'm sorry I'm busy".

 

You're probably right that he found someone else.. there's no other reason for this that I can think of.. but it's just so weird to me, because he admitted that he hasn't had feelings for anyone since his ex, and that it's very rare that he likes someone - which is the same way I am. Maybe everything was a total lie? I don't think the ex is back in the picture, because I have (guiltily) checked her social media and she is still in the same relationship that she has been in for the past 8 months (the new guy is his best friend.. or, was his best friend. that gives you a good idea of how awful she is)

 

To me your new details show he just feels no deep connection, as to have something to hold onto for an LDR. Though everything you have shown seems like the best. I would have loved that for myself back when starting relationships. But I am secure about myself over what I see in men at times. Even insecure men will hide, unless jealousy and misunderstandings are shown. He may not believe in what you had as much as you did. Lucky for you it did not happen much later in your relationship. I am sure you will find a nice guy who will be just as willing to start slow and believe in what he has with you. As you seem pretty well secure with what you want, and can manage your past relationship cheater issues with being honest on what you want and need.

 

Good luck with your next relationship, and keep up with your beliefs in obtaining it. It will come, no need to rush. Like you need that to be told to you. Hehehehe!!

[sadsoymilk]

To me your new details show he just feels no deep connection, as to have something to hold onto for an LDR. Though everything you have shown seems like the best. I would have loved that for myself back when starting relationships. But I am secure about myself over what I see in men at times. Even insecure men will hide, unless jealousy and misunderstandings are shown. He may not believe in what you had as much as you did. Lucky for you it did not happen much later in your relationship. I am sure you will find a nice guy who will be just as willing to start slow and believe in what he has with you. As you seem pretty well secure with what you want, and can manage your past relationship cheater issues with being honest on what you want and need.

 

Good luck with your next relationship, and keep up with your beliefs in obtaining it. It will come, no need to rush. Like you need that to be told to you. Hehehehe!!

 

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. What you said about believing in what we had really spoke to me - I took everything he said as some kind of promise, when in reality, he could have just been casually expressing his feelings... I don't know. It's just so hard to deal with things ending unexpectedly without a reason or an answer.. and I will definitely see him again when I go back to work, but I guess that's a whole other issue..

 

Thank you again for your kind words. I was having trouble seeing worth in myself, since I felt so disposable and replaceable due to his actions. But I'm starting to see that there is nothing I could have done better to "save" things.

[sadsoymilk]

if anyone has any advice on dealing with an ex who i will have to see on a daily basis, or who has been in a similar situation and knows why he might be doing this.. it would be appreciated..

[Natsu21]

if anyone has any advice on dealing with an ex who i will have to see on a daily basis, or who has been in a similar situation and knows why he might be doing this.. it would be appreciated..

 

Men are very physically and visually minded creatures. Sorry to say but for most guys, LDR's aren't really our thing.

 

Chances of his distance is because he wasn't getting what he wanted in the relationship, which in fact was physical touch, and your words and voice wasn't enough. It make not make sense to you right now, but chances are he found someone.

 

It's time for you to move on, as painful as that sounds.

[sadsoymilk]

Men are very physically and visually minded creatures. Sorry to say but for most guys, LDR's aren't really our thing.

 

Chances of his distance is because he wasn't getting what he wanted in the relationship, which in fact was physical touch, and your words and voice wasn't enough. It make not make sense to you right now, but chances are he found someone.

 

It's time for you to move on, as painful as that sounds.

 

Thank you for your insight. Deep down, I know you're right. I guess I just wished he meant it when he said he wanted to make this work.. and I just feel so lost, since he won't even tell me that we're over, I'm just left to assume. (of course, after months of not talking it's pretty safe to assume he's done with me)

[hedyo]

I'm assuming that he is college age as well. My guess would be that he probably liked you a lot and meant the things he said at the moment he said them. Then, when the distance became a reality, he realized (either of his own accord or because he met someone new) that it wasn't what he wanted. For most people, a few months of romance won't really be enough to sustain a long distance relationship over time.

 

People are kind of wishy washy, and you do need to take the things they say within the first few weeks and months with a pinch of salt. It's not that people will lie intentionally, but sometimes they feel infatuation or lust and mistake it for love. It takes time to get to know someone, so you need to be a little guarded. For the first few months of dating you should just be enjoying the here and now, not talking about the future or Christmas or whatever.

 

Another thing you should remember is that when someone is backing away from you, then you need to do the same to them. If he wasn't responding, it was really not a good idea to be texting and calling him numerous times. If someone is in doubt, that will only push them further away. Next time, instead of panicking, just find something else to focus on and leave them be. Often people will come back around if you leave them alone. And if they don't, they really weren't worth your time anyway.

[sadsoymilk]

I'm assuming that he is college age as well. My guess would be that he probably liked you a lot and meant the things he said at the moment he said them. Then, when the distance became a reality, he realized (either of his own accord or because he met someone new) that it wasn't what he wanted. For most people, a few months of romance won't really be enough to sustain a long distance relationship over time.

 

People are kind of wishy washy, and you do need to take the things they say within the first few weeks and months with a pinch of salt. It's not that people will lie intentionally, but sometimes they feel infatuation or lust and mistake it for love. It takes time to get to know someone, so you need to be a little guarded. For the first few months of dating you should just be enjoying the here and now, not talking about the future or Christmas or whatever.

 

Another thing you should remember is that when someone is backing away from you, then you need to do the same to them. If he wasn't responding, it was really not a good idea to be texting and calling him numerous times. If someone is in doubt, that will only push them further away. Next time, instead of panicking, just find something else to focus on and leave them be. Often people will come back around if you leave them alone. And if they don't, they really weren't worth your time anyway.

 

Thank you so much. I obviously don't have tons of experience with dating, and since my first boyfriend was the complete opposite of him (a controlling overbearing *******) i thought that he was so different. I guess I kind of panicked when I constantly tried to talk to him, but when I asked things like "are we still together?" he always said yes and then didn't respond any more, so I had this false hope that everything was okay. I kept telling myself that "if we are still together, a single text or call every few days isn't too overbearing", but I was stupid and I overlooked the fact that he obviously didn't want to talk to me.

 

Now that I've realized the truth, all I've been doing all day is crying, and I'm scared that I'm going to try to contact him again, or one of our mutual friends, and basically just push everyone away. I don't have any friends here at school and I'm utterly alone and everything is just so much to handle by myself. I'm also dreading going home next weekend because I have to go to work and talk to my boss, and I'll either see him there, or she'll ask about him, and I'll break down again..

[2sunny]

if anyone has any advice on dealing with an ex who i will have to see on a daily basis, or who has been in a similar situation and knows why he might be doing this.. it would be appreciated..

 

When a

Person begins to change the relationship dynamic that is my cue that I need to respond accordingly.

 

He isn't invested in you right now.

 

No need to communicate with him or even see him when you go home.

 

He's shut down the relationship - act accordingly.

 

And do NOT stop by to see him. Ask him to mail your things. Ask ONCE. He won't mail them though. So expect to never get your things back.

 

And start dating other men. This guy went dark and there's no need to beg him to care about you.

[hedyo]

Thank you so much. I obviously don't have tons of experience with dating, and since my first boyfriend was the complete opposite of him (a controlling overbearing *******) i thought that he was so different. I guess I kind of panicked when I constantly tried to talk to him, but when I asked things like "are we still together?" he always said yes and then didn't respond any more, so I had this false hope that everything was okay. I kept telling myself that "if we are still together, a single text or call every few days isn't too overbearing", but I was stupid and I overlooked the fact that he obviously didn't want to talk to me.

 

Now that I've realized the truth, all I've been doing all day is crying, and I'm scared that I'm going to try to contact him again, or one of our mutual friends, and basically just push everyone away. I don't have any friends here at school and I'm utterly alone and everything is just so much to handle by myself. I'm also dreading going home next weekend because I have to go to work and talk to my boss, and I'll either see him there, or she'll ask about him, and I'll break down again..

 

We all make mistakes when we're dating, and it's easy to get caught up and do what our gut is telling us, i.e. try to fix things. So don't beat yourself up over that. It sucks that both guys you've dated have behaved like jerks, but try not to take it personally. It doesn't mean that you deserve to be treated like that, or that all the guys you'll meet will behave badly.

 

I know you feel alone, but try to take comfort in the fact that almost everyone you've ever met has experienced heartbreak at some point. It hurts like hell, but it is entirely normal. And even though it feels like too much to handle right now, you ARE strong enough to get through this! Contacting him or a mutual friend will just make it worse. What you need to do is be very kind to yourself. Make sure you get enough sleep and food. Cry when you feel like it. Write in a journal. Call family or friends. Go for walks. If there are any social activities at your school that you can join, go for it, even though you don't feel like it. Keep breathing and moving forward, and the pain will pass.

 

As for having to go to work, just remember that he is the one who has been mean and cowardly. If anyone should feel embarrassed, it is him. If your boss asks about him, just tell her it's over. Don't go into details unless she asks. And again, don't be ashamed of your feelings. I'm sure your boss has been dumped too, so she'll probably understand if you get emotional talking about it.

[sadsoymilk]

We all make mistakes when we're dating, and it's easy to get caught up and do what our gut is telling us, i.e. try to fix things. So don't beat yourself up over that. It sucks that both guys you've dated have behaved like jerks, but try not to take it personally. It doesn't mean that you deserve to be treated like that, or that all the guys you'll meet will behave badly.

 

I know you feel alone, but try to take comfort in the fact that almost everyone you've ever met has experienced heartbreak at some point. It hurts like hell, but it is entirely normal. And even though it feels like too much to handle right now, you ARE strong enough to get through this! Contacting him or a mutual friend will just make it worse. What you need to do is be very kind to yourself. Make sure you get enough sleep and food. Cry when you feel like it. Write in a journal. Call family or friends. Go for walks. If there are any social activities at your school that you can join, go for it, even though you don't feel like it. Keep breathing and moving forward, and the pain will pass.

 

As for having to go to work, just remember that he is the one who has been mean and cowardly. If anyone should feel embarrassed, it is him. If your boss asks about him, just tell her it's over. Don't go into details unless she asks. And again, don't be ashamed of your feelings. I'm sure your boss has been dumped too, so she'll probably understand if you get emotional talking about it.

 

Thank you so, so much. I am only hoping that today will be the worst day, and that it will get easier from here. I need to try to be strong enough to not cry about it any more by the time I come home next weekend.. it's just really hard not to panic about my bad luck in relationships. I feel like he liked me more than anyone ever has, which is incredibly sad considering he didn't like me much at all.

 

I have deleted him from all social media and hopefully I can find something to do with the present I got him so it isn't sitting in the middle of my room, staring me in the face.. as for my stuff at his apartment, I would really like it back, but it can wait until I'm totally over this - which I hope will be soon. It's all I can think about right now.

[sadsoymilk]

Update - I'm so stupid. I broke the NC.

 

Today I was doing better. I didn't cry and I got some work done. But for some reason I couldn't stop thinking about texting him, and I was weak and I did it. I said I couldn't believe he didn't have enough respect for me to even tell me it was over, and that I still want to get my things. I was shocked that he replied back. He basically told me he felt nothing for me anymore, and when I asked what was wrong with me, he said "nothing at all. you're perfect."

 

He will send a mutual friend to give me my things back. I just don't understand. If I'm perfect, why did he lose feelings? I knew exactly what I SHOULDN'T say, but I said them all anyway... asked if anything would change when I come back home. He said he didn't know. I felt sick, because it's like this false hope that when I'm home for Christmas, he might have feelings for me again.. I know that's not possible, but I can't help it.

 

So, basically, I'm a wreck again today. Why do I do this to myself?

[leoc1973]

ok I am a guy and I am not going to say any of this to be a jerk but I want to be honest with you.

 

First of all you are way too attached for a 3 month relationship. If this guy was telling coworkers that you are the most beautiful girl he has ever met then I am assuming that you are pretty decent looking so go date other guys. Stop obsessing over 1 jerk that you only dated briefly.

 

second you never had sex with him? Is there some kind of religious reason or are you a virgin? I really can appreciate you wanting to take things slow. Actually most decent men would prefer that a girl be the way you are but why no sex? I can see taking it slow but I think you went overboard.

 

Third and this is coming from a guy. A guy will tell you or do whatever they need to do to sleep with you. Guys will tell you things like,"i've never felt this way about anyone" "When we are apart I can't stop thinking about you" "you want to take it slow? Ok I like that and I wanna take it slow too" They will tell you whatever they think you wanna hear to get you to put out. I can't tell you how many girls when I was younger I would just act like I never cared if we ever had sex and next thing you know the girl was pushing the sex thing.

 

I can tell you that this guy was pretty much counting on you sleeping with him before you left. It's what I would have thought was going to happen. He stuck it out and told you he would come visit ect just to get you to sleep with him. He probably would have broken your hear even worse so good thing you didn't sleep with him.

 

Another thing. Usually it takes about 3 months to really get to know someone. That's why you see relationships that seemed to start out so perfectly just fizzle out after 2 to 4 months. Because one person started looking at the other person differently. I actually broke up with a girl because she started farting at 3 months. The littlest things can turn someone off and change their view of you. Don't take it personally.

 

So in summary. You are too young to be hung up over a guy you dated so briefly and it's really classy of you to hold out the sex but be prepared to lose a lot of crappy guys that don't think you are worth it. They would have probably dumped you after sex anyway. And no matter how sincere a guy is or seems to be or how you may or may not think he is different than other guys. DO NOT ever believe a word out of their mouths. When you see him at work tell him to F off! Trust me when I tell you this. He just wanted to sleep with you. So I don't wanna see you back on this site at christmas time telling us you made a mistake and hooked up with this guy and now he won't return your calls again!!!!

[sadsoymilk]

ok I am a guy and I am not going to say any of this to be a jerk but I want to be honest with you.

 

First of all you are way too attached for a 3 month relationship. If this guy was telling coworkers that you are the most beautiful girl he has ever met then I am assuming that you are pretty decent looking so go date other guys. Stop obsessing over 1 jerk that you only dated briefly.

 

second you never had sex with him? Is there some kind of religious reason or are you a virgin? I really can appreciate you wanting to take things slow. Actually most decent men would prefer that a girl be the way you are but why no sex? I can see taking it slow but I think you went overboard.

 

Third and this is coming from a guy. A guy will tell you or do whatever they need to do to sleep with you. Guys will tell you things like,"i've never felt this way about anyone" "When we are apart I can't stop thinking about you" "you want to take it slow? Ok I like that and I wanna take it slow too" They will tell you whatever they think you wanna hear to get you to put out. I can't tell you how many girls when I was younger I would just act like I never cared if we ever had sex and next thing you know the girl was pushing the sex thing.

 

I can tell you that this guy was pretty much counting on you sleeping with him before you left. It's what I would have thought was going to happen. He stuck it out and told you he would come visit ect just to get you to sleep with him. He probably would have broken your hear even worse so good thing you didn't sleep with him.

 

Another thing. Usually it takes about 3 months to really get to know someone. That's why you see relationships that seemed to start out so perfectly just fizzle out after 2 to 4 months. Because one person started looking at the other person differently. I actually broke up with a girl because she started farting at 3 months. The littlest things can turn someone off and change their view of you. Don't take it personally.

 

So in summary. You are too young to be hung up over a guy you dated so briefly and it's really classy of you to hold out the sex but be prepared to lose a lot of crappy guys that don't think you are worth it. They would have probably dumped you after sex anyway. And no matter how sincere a guy is or seems to be or how you may or may not think he is different than other guys. DO NOT ever believe a word out of their mouths. When you see him at work tell him to F off! Trust me when I tell you this. He just wanted to sleep with you. So I don't wanna see you back on this site at christmas time telling us you made a mistake and hooked up with this guy and now he won't return your calls again!!!!

 

Thank you so much for the reply. I am honestly way too idealistic and emotional and I need people to tell me the absolute truth more often.. even if it's a slap in the face, it's for the best.

 

I'm an incredibly shy person who doesn't open up to anyone. I've never been "dating" because I find it really hard to meet new people.. even friendship-wise, all of my friends are people I've known since childhood. (Might be why I have no friends here at school..) I honestly don't know how to start dating other guys.

 

About the sex thing.. I am a virgin. Not really by choice, I'm not religious, but like I said, I have only been with two people.. this guy and my high school ex.. that is probably another reason why I'm so attached.

 

Thank you again for your honesty.