Broke up with my partner due to mental health issues, ?!

[redheadedglasses]

hope you can shed some light on this situation, I'm very upset.* I had a partner, and up until February we had a very good relationship, having been together for around 2 years.* He was very affectionate and couldn't do enough for me. We had our ups and downs as any couple do, but always came out stronger. He was discussing marriage with me, and we were looking forward to a long and happy future together.

 

After around March this year, I started to get very ill (although I did not know at the time), and was terrible to him, pushing him away, picking arguments about silly things, and just being a horrible partner. I once even accused him of seeing another lady.

 

In August, he sat me down, crying as he did so,* and told me that he loved me to pieces but he was leaving me, as he could not stand the constant arguments anymore and the negative outlook I had as it was making him ill.

 

I begged him for 2 days to reconsider,* but he would not talk to me,* saying it was too difficult for him and I was suffocating him. Very shortly afterwards I was hospitalised, and diagnosed with severe depression and PTSD due to a physically and emotionally abusive former relationship.

I have started on medication and am starting to feel cheerier. I am mortified by my behaviour now,* but I still feel hollow and empty.* I want to get better for myself, but I also want to show him that I am not the negative person I was due to my illness, and that I am capable of being the partner he deserves.

I have not had any contact with him since September 1st. He has not blocked contact channels however I thought it best as I do not want to come across as "suffocating" again.

Do you think that there is any way I can rectify this mess? Or should I let him go?

[elseaacych]

Well, you weren't the one that did the breaking up in in this situation, so I would say that, no, your chances of getting back together are slim to none.

 

You realize what you have done to cause this situation, and the best thing for you to do now is to work on you, get therapy, get meds, do what you need to do to keep your mental issues under control. Go ahead and block him on social media, you do not want to see what's going on with him. If you become privy to news that is upsetting (hint: everything related to him), it could send you spiralling further. It happened to me, and it's no way to spend your life. Block him. Apologize to yourself, vow to do better.

[Leegh]

I think there is a chance. Possibly if you write him a letter explaining in essence what you wrote in this post, and perhaps also you could say that he could come to a doctor's appointment with you if he wanted to know more about your condition. I admire you tremendously for admitting that you should have treated him better, as I have known many, many people who are rigid, inflexible, etc., and will not admit their mistakes. If I were in your shoes, I would probably try one more time to get back with him. I think it's always fine to try one more time with an ex. Hope all goes well.

[amaysngrace]

When people aren't in their best frame of mind their choices tend to reflect that. You chose him when you were not mentally at your best.

 

If I were you I'd work on myself and get well first before thinking about the relationship you had with him. You'll have a healthier outlook and you very well may see things differently.

[writergal]

OP, I don't think you should contact him at all. I think you need space from that relationship to focus on yourself right now, and think about why March happened. What triggered it? Why did you push him away, pick fights with him, accuse him of cheating?

 

He may not trust you at this point, which is why he broke things off with you. Did he know about your mental health issues before March?

[redheadedglasses]

@amaysngrace When I chose him, I was in ok mental health.

 

@writergal I've had therapy sessions pertaining to that. We (my therapist and I) believe I was pushing him away due to diminished self worth ie I didn't/dont believe I was good enough for anyone to love me as I had the abusive relationship before. He was aware of mental health difficulties but I think it got too much. Do you mean no contact or until I'm fully better?

[Elle1975]

I personally wouldn't date someone who has to be on meds to act "normal" around me. I am not talking about the depression.

 

I know I sound harsh; one of my family members was schizophrenic and I just do not want to go through that again. You experience people you love hurting you, and you see them hurting as well, and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

I would also point out that those "ups and downs" might have been part of the relationship to you, but it might have jump-started these thoughts that the relationship wasn't what he wanted. The PTSD was just the push he needed.

 

I personally don't think there is a chance at getting back together. I wouldn't do it, however he's not me, so who knows?

 

I would treat that like any other break up, and once someone walks away, it's hard to mend the relationship to what it was.

 

All I can say is get therapy, and do not stop your meds, even if you have this feeling that you are feeling good now, and that you can do without them.

[redheadedglasses]

@elle1975 I dont think that is the main reason for him, he has suffered/suffers from depression and I nursed him through it.

[writergal]

I can see why you would push him away (due to low self esteem). But did you ever talk to him about why you felt that way? Did he do anything to make you feel that way, or was it something you built up in your own mind? If your mental health issues became too much for him to deal with, that's unfortunate.

 

The right partner for you wouldn't abandon the relationship because you hit a rough patch (March, when you accused him of cheating, picked fights with him and such). So try to look at this situation more objectively.

 

If you want to contact him to update him on your progress with therapy, you could send him an email I guess, where you update him on your progress, reflect on what started it all (back in March), and show him that you understand his POV by empathizing with him. Then request to see him in person and talk about the status of your relationship: so you two can discuss what you both want from each other at this point. He many not be receptive to the idea of meeting with you, and if that's the case, then you have your answer: he's moved on.

 

Really, the right partner for you will be willing to stay in the relationship when things get rough. Clearly, it was too much for him so he left.

 

@amaysngrace When I chose him, I was in ok mental health.

 

@writergal I've had therapy sessions pertaining to that. We (my therapist and I) believe I was pushing him away due to diminished self worth ie I didn't/dont believe I was good enough for anyone to love me as I had the abusive relationship before. He was aware of mental health difficulties but I think it got too much. Do you mean no contact or until I'm fully better?

[Elle1975]

I am just thinking, how is he going to react when you say "good news, I have PTSD!".

 

I know it's a relief for you to finally get an answer, but it's not something I would want to take on.

 

I believe someone new will be a lot more open to dating you, because you are taking care of the problem, as opposed to him who went through all your psychotic behaviors thinking it was who you "really" are. There are memories that can't be undone.

 

I don't think it's any different from being dumped for being needy. Once they see you that way, it's hard to turn around. He saw you behaving erratically toward him, and it's going to be hard to turn his feelings around.

 

May I point out that the "I love you but I can't be with you" is not an uncommon thing to hear during a break up.

 

I say, take care of yourself. Give it some time.

 

Also, putting the key to your happiness in his hand probably isn't what you need. Nobody should.

 

Now if you choose to contact him, that's your call, but I wouldn't.

[redheadedglasses]

I think I'm going to stick to my plan. I'm going to get fully better however long that takes, chill out, then ring him. I understand that telling someone you love them is a common way to soften the blow, but he was still being very affectionate and kind so I have no reason to doubt that.

Im not going to rush things, I know hes hurting too because of my behaviour.

[Elle1975]

My ex was crying when he dumped me. He "felt terrible", his own words.

 

Don't get better in the hope of getting back together with him. Just get better, and meet someone new, someone who will build a life with you.