wellavain712 Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 I've read a lot of post about men/women who were in a relationship with someone with BPD. I would like to hear more about how open are you guys to be in a new relationship? You see, i came to know this person and fell for him. I know about his background of being in a relationship/married with someone who had BPD (separated with xW for 2 years i believe). He shared to me a lot about it and have asked me many times to read from the web but I only did the reading recently. He made me love him... but now he somehow changes his mind. He told me before that he never planned loving anyone again and he has planned to live a life of his own. Please someone help me whats going on with non BPDers... Thank you.
Downtown Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 I would like to hear more about how open are you guys to be in a new relationship? Wellavain, welcome to the LoveShack forum. My experience is that nearly all Nons (i.e., nonBPDers) heal from the experience and go on to form new relationships. Fortunately, most Nons have healthy, strong personal boundaries and good self esteem. They therefore generally walk away from the toxic relationships within 18 months. That is, they enjoy the passionate sex and adulation for 6 months and then, when the verbal abuse and irrational jealousy starts, they will try to restore the relationship for up to an additional 12 months. Then they walk. In contrast, those Nons choosing to stay in the relationship for years -- as I did for 15 years -- almost certainly are excessive caregivers (like me) or narcissists. The caregivers greatly outnumber the narcissists, from what I've seen. This group typically holds onto the toxic relationship until the BPDer's resentment grows so strong that the BPDer walks away (preemptively abandoning the Non before the Non can do the abandonment). Like the healthy-boundary group, this group of Nons typically heals and goes on to form other relationships after the BPDer leaves. Sadly, unless they know what they are dealing with and learn to identify BPD warning signs, they are at great risk of running right into the arms of another partner just like the BPDer who abandoned them. He told me before that he never planned loving anyone again and he has planned to live a life of his own. A substantial share of the Nons may have this pessimistic attitude for a year or two after they come stumbling out of the painful BPDer relationship. Of course, the longer the relationship, the longer it takes to heal. A person may heal in a few months from a 12-month relationship, for example, or take several years to heal from a ten-year relationship. Moreover, a few Nons may never heal -- but they are the exceptions, not the rule, as I understand it. In my case (15-year relationship), I had absolutely no desire to date for at least two years following my breakup. Even then, I likely should have waited another year or two. I know about his background of being in a relationship/married with someone who had BPD (separated with xW for 2 years i believe).How old is he and how long were they together in a relationship? What type of relationships did he have with other women prior to the marriage? Did he grow up in a healthy childhood environment and still have the support of loving parents? .. but now he somehow changes his mind.What does this mean? Are you talking about a man who dated you for 3 months and then walked away or, rather, one who dated you for 3 years and has pushed you away multiple times? Was he very caring and loving before pushing you away or, rather, emotionally unavailable? 2
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