It's like 2 ships passing in the night

[irc333]

It's kind of interesting reading some of these profiles where people seem to have legimate reasons to have a challenging schedule to date.

 

(Perhaps this is one of the reasons people remain indefinitely single?)

 

I've recently read a profile of a woman, late 30s, kids over 18 (so they are adults and have their own lives) but claims to travel during the weekdays for work and is balancing time on the weekends with friends and family.

 

She made it known that "Yes, they are adults, but we're still active in each others' lives."

 

So the man dating her has to be aware of this, and it would be nice to find a man just as busy as SHE is.

 

Basically, its a wash. This is something doomed for failure anyhow.

 

"Hey, by the way, I'll be too busy for you, so you must be too busy for me in order for this relationship to work!" LOL

 

Sorry, it won't work. Almost feels like the debate where "nothing IS something" when referring to an episode of Seinfeld or oblivion.

 

I recall a female friend that spoke of this. She was in a relationship such as this. Was actually LIVING with the guy. Apparently they had different shifts at work.

 

She used the phrase, "Two ships passing in the night". She claimed such relationships never work.

 

It was so eloquently put. Two people who will never have time for each other. Likely not candidates for marriage nor even a long term relationship.

 

Perhaps friends with benefits at best. But I just don't "feel the love" in that kind of set up.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I see it as a balancing act. On one hand you do need to put time and effort into your relationship in order for it to continue growing, however many years you've been together. That means making time to spend it with one another. On the other hand, real life can be crazy busy and sometimes it's more important to go to work every hour of the day to get the rent paid than it is to miss a shift at work so you can spend a solid evening with your partner. If you're both really really busy it can still work for at least a finite period of time. I've found even when I've been stupidly busy even crawling into bed next to my partner at the end of the day is enough to put a smile on my face, even if I haven't been able to spend the evening talking over our days, eating dinner, doing the regular stuff couples do.

 

I think usually it tends to work more though when one person is the busier one and the other is more flexible and so can work around that. Otherwise you've got no chance. I dated a Doctor very very briefly; I was working 70 hours per week, across seven days, and he had a similarly demanding schedule. To compound it, he lived in another city, and he also couldn't drive. We went on two dates, and then when we tried to book the next one realised we couldn't physically meet for at least three weeks. Personally I wouldn't want a relationship with that level of infrequency.

 

I then started dating my current boyfriend, he lived in the same city. I was still just as busy (a short term two year thing, the busy stuff, due to a full time MA, another job, a placement, and voluntary work) but his schedule was way more relaxed, just working 35 hours per week. So we still managed to see each other plenty; some days I'd finish work at 10pm or midnight but just being able to have an hour together and then fall asleep together all night was enough to keep us going. After six months we moved in together but we were spending every night together after around a month or two. Which generally doesn't come across as the healthiest thing, but for some reason in our situation it worked and still it (although it's only been nine months). Unfortunately, if he hadn't have been so flexible and willing to build his schedule around mine I don't think we'd ever have seen each other and for that I am grateful as many men would run a mile trying to date somebody so busy.

 

Ultimately in the early days, a relationship for me comes secondary to work, studying and volunteering. I'm not going to give up the things that I'm building my future on and love doing for something that could end at any moment. The right relationship will fit in with people's busy lives. And although I was very busy during that period, I still made a lot of effort to keep it going, built the relationship, and show I was into people I dated.

Edited October 4, 2014 by acrosstheuniverse

[GemmaUK]

A woman who has a busy life is a different situation to a couple working opposite shifts.

 

The woman is looking for someone she can see and each can fit in with each others lives but also someone who is secure enough in himself and busy enough in his own life so that he isn't going to depend on her for his happiness.

I suspect she has run into situations before where she has ended up smothered and made to feel bad for just being busy.

 

Many guys on OLD seem to want to be attached in some way all of the time.

If they are not 'with you' then they are texting all day every day, mailing and wanting calls every day - not a quick call either - an hour or two minimum.

 

I've dated a few guys who turned out to be like this and talked to loads of guys online who are wanting that level of communication.

If one wants that and the other can't offer it it's never going to work so she is being upfront and looking for someone who is similarly busy.

[irc333]

 

I've dated a few guys who turned out to be like this and talked to loads of guys online who are wanting that level of communication.

If one wants that and the other can't offer it it's never going to work so she is being upfront and looking for someone who is similarly busy.

 

Well, the jist of my post is, I am thinking that dating someone who is similarly busy...I think it's never going to work regardless.

 

I recall a woman, had her kid 24/7, (only sent him off to see his dad in the mid-West during summer vacation) So having a kid that much didn't help matters as the kid was involved in Cub Scouts and other activities. Apparently, the other mothers suckered her into being a "shuttle" to THEIR kids as well.

 

She was a Den Mother and ferried not only her kid, but her kids' friends and Cub Scout co-horts as well.

 

The guy she was dating was okay with all this, was even willing to adapt, but apparently even adapting didn't work.

 

I think one time she was spending a whole weekend at a local campground with the scouts and he offered to bring his own tent to join the group.

 

She said, "No, that would be inappropriate."

 

HE made some kind of snide remark about her seeing someone behind his back, but she knew he didn't mean it..and he didn't, just said it out of frustration.

 

She had to end it only because she never had time for him.

 

I mean, sacrifices may need to be made, but she's kind of to fault here because she let other mothers pile it on her plate. I mean, what do you do? Give up soccer practices so the kid can stay home playing video games while mom is on a date? (Rhetorical question).

[irc333]

I also avoid applying for jobs if they require some kind of 80 hr per week devotion. Give me a good ol' goverment job with weekends and holidays off and I'm happy as a pig in sh*t

[GemmaUK]

Well, the jist of my post is, I am thinking that dating someone who is similarly busy...I think it's never going to work regardless.

 

It's worked out for me in the past but only with men who were secure in themselves and we were considerate of each others time constraints.

 

I recall a woman, had her kid 24/7, (only sent him off to see his dad in the mid-West during summer vacation) So having a kid that much didn't help matters as the kid was involved in Cub Scouts and other activities. Apparently, the other mothers suckered her into being a "shuttle" to THEIR kids as well.

 

She was a Den Mother and ferried not only her kid, but her kids' friends and Cub Scout co-horts as well.

 

The guy she was dating was okay with all this, was even willing to adapt, but apparently even adapting didn't work.

 

I think one time she was spending a whole weekend at a local campground with the scouts and he offered to bring his own tent to join the group.

 

She said, "No, that would be inappropriate."

 

Fair enough! He would have needed to get a CRB check to attend something like that anyway and it certainly wouldn't be appropriate to take a date to a cub/scout weekend!

 

HE made some kind of snide remark about her seeing someone behind his back, but she knew he didn't mean it..and he didn't, just said it out of frustration.

 

She had to end it only because she never had time for him.

 

The passive aggressive dig would have been enough for me to end it.

It can be pretty difficult to gauge in advance how busy life will become.

Maybe he needed a lot more time and he had a lot more spare time on his hands than he originally suggested.

 

I mean, sacrifices may need to be made, but she's kind of to fault here because she let other mothers pile it on her plate. I mean, what do you do? Give up soccer practices so the kid can stay home playing video games while mom is on a date? (Rhetorical question).

She was going that way anyway so I don't see an issue with ferrying the other children.

No, but anyone can attend a soccer practice but if a mum is a responsible one then a date wouldn't be meeting her children too soon. Anyone would need to be considerate of that if they want to date someone with children.

[irc333]

 

She was going that way anyway so I don't see an issue with ferrying the other children.

No, but anyone can attend a soccer practice but if a mum is a responsible one then a date wouldn't be meeting her children too soon. Anyone would need to be considerate of that if they want to date someone with children.

 

Right, I think he was just grasping at straws when he had his weekends free and was just offering up a strategy of spending time together.

 

Then he was like "F- it, I'll accidentally make a passive-aggressive dig".

 

Personally, she'd be better off not dating anyone at all until the kid gets least of an age where he's able to operate a microwave and/or operate a motor vehicle. Though , the woman in the original post was like 'Yeah, I have ADULT children...but, I'll still be spending time with them more so than I would with you."

 

This is kind of rare, as most women are happy to have their kids out of the roost and even admit it in online dating profile.

 

"My kids are grown and out of the house, so I have some ME time now."

[irc333]

Recently saw another woman, 39, with a serious axe to grind IN her profile. Kids over 18 though.

 

"Yeah, I'm going back to school, I only have ONE day week to myself, and if you have a problem with that, suck it up!"

 

Real attitude.

 

I keep running into a lot of "going back to college" or "finishing college" types at my age. Seems a there's a brunt of middle aged women that are working AND going "back" to school full time.

 

Here I am, already have my college under MY belt from in my 20's, full time job, and I keep running into "Working and going to school" full time types.

 

Not that I don't condone getting an education, but I saw no real value in my college degree as I am in a field completely different from the one I graduated in.

[GemmaUK]

Right, I think he was just grasping at straws when he had his weekends free and was just offering up a strategy of spending time together.

 

Then he was like "F- it, I'll accidentally make a passive-aggressive dig".

That wasn't an accident! He was behaving like a toddler having a little tantrum!

 

Personally, she'd be better off not dating anyone at all until the kid gets least of an age where he's able to operate a microwave and/or operate a motor vehicle.

Or she can keep dating and find a great guy who has a similarly busy life.

 

Though , the woman in the original post was like 'Yeah, I have ADULT children...but, I'll still be spending time with them more so than I would with you."

 

This is kind of rare, as most women are happy to have their kids out of the roost and even admit it in online dating profile.

 

"My kids are grown and out of the house, so I have some ME time now."

 

Everyone is different though. Just because 'some' or 'most' have one opinion or lifestyle choice doesn't mean that every woman should have the same.

Do you see her as 'shady' for not thinking in the way you expect?

[GemmaUK]

Recently saw another woman, 39, with a serious axe to grind IN her profile. Kids over 18 though.

 

"Yeah, I'm going back to school, I only have ONE day week to myself, and if you have a problem with that, suck it up!"

 

Real attitude.

She'll have put that there because she has been on the receiving end of 'attitude' from men about it.

 

I keep running into a lot of "going back to college" or "finishing college" types at my age. Seems a there's a brunt of middle aged women that are working AND going "back" to school full time.

Good for them!

 

Here I am, already have my college under MY belt from in my 20's, full time job, and I keep running into "Working and going to school" full time types.

 

Not that I don't condone getting an education, but I saw no real value in my college degree as I am in a field completely different from the one I graduated in.

 

Life choice. You chose to study then and some other people choose tostudy later in life. Either is perfectly acceptable.

[irc333]

Not shady, but I feel that a woman who says this in their profile is not likely going to jive with anyone of even a similar lifestyle.

 

I simply think it wouldn't work.

 

"Hey, I work 80 hrs week, so he must be currently working 80 hrs a week, too in order for this to work."

 

I fail to see how that would work.

 

That wasn't an accident! He was behaving like a toddler having a little tantrum!

 

 

Or she can keep dating and find a great guy who has a similarly busy life.

 

 

 

Everyone is different though. Just because 'some' or 'most' have one opinion or lifestyle choice doesn't mean that every woman should have the same.

Do you see her as 'shady' for not thinking in the way you expect?

[GemmaUK]

Not shady, but I feel that a woman who says this in their profile is not likely going to jive with anyone of even a similar lifestyle.

 

I simply think it wouldn't work.

 

"Hey, I work 80 hrs week, so he must be currently working 80 hrs a week, too in order for this to work."

 

I fail to see how that would work.

 

Working an 80 hour week isn't something someone is likely to be doing on a consistent basis.

I've done it myself but it's when my job required it and usually will only be for a couple of weeks at a time.

I don't think someone who works hours like that needs their partner to also but a partner would need to be considerate of the fact the person has less free time.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Of course it's eloquently put; it's a paraphrase of Longfellow:

 

Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing,

Only a signal shown and a distant voice in the darkness;

So on the ocean of life we pass and speak one another,

Only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence.

 

I think a lesser degree of this phenomenon is more common than we realize. Some of my friends are young parents and they complain that they never see their own spouses anymore due to juggling work and childcare and all that.

 

I think there are probably thousands of people with whom we could have fulfilling, amazing relationships if just a few things were different. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves if it's worth changing our lives to be with someone. The choices we make, or don't make, help define who we are.

[AlexanderJames]

I think the main reason that you dont understand how it could work is because it doesn't appeal to you. Solitude, space and alone time are not things you want primarily from a relationship.

 

Some people are very independent. They thrive from having their own time and their own space. This does not mean that they don't want affection and love. Just not on a daily basis like many couples experience.

 

I have been seeing someone at the moment who is like this. She can go days without hearing from me because she is doing her thing and getting things done. And I am fine with it because I have lots on with work, hobbies and things like that too meaning these lapses in contact aren't difficult. We both have times when we are feeling like company or like going out and we do.

 

The best way to put it I guess would be a part time relationship. It's more than friends with benefits because you have feelings for each other. You just don't NEED the fulltime contact that most couples have.

[rester]

Some people don't need that level of intimacy, have time for it, or want it. They want someone with a similar lifestyle. Might as well be up front about it.

 

If you want a closer relationship with a woman, put that in your profile. Some women may judge you and post their complaints of you onto an Internet forum, but some may like that you are upfront about it and contact you.

[GemmaUK]

I think the main reason that you dont understand how it could work is because it doesn't appeal to you. Solitude, space and alone time are not things you want primarily from a relationship.

 

Some people are very independent. They thrive from having their own time and their own space. This does not mean that they don't want affection and love. Just not on a daily basis like many couples experience.

 

I have been seeing someone at the moment who is like this. She can go days without hearing from me because she is doing her thing and getting things done. And I am fine with it because I have lots on with work, hobbies and things like that too meaning these lapses in contact aren't difficult. We both have times when we are feeling like company or like going out and we do.

 

The best way to put it I guess would be a part time relationship. It's more than friends with benefits because you have feelings for each other. You just don't NEED the fulltime contact that most couples have.

 

I see that as a normal healthy relationship.

That was how dating was back before texting came along.

I really don't want someone being always there when I'm first getting to know them. I need time away to think about how things are going plus I still have a life to lead and interests I enjoy and I need time for those in order to have a balanced happy life.

[irc333]

I hate to say it, but it's a relationship based on selfishness pretty much.

 

A better example was a woman I met online living in an area north of me that's even smaller than my own community. (As you drive further and further or north, the towns get smaller and smaller up until a point they are less bolded on the maps and have flashing yellow lights instead of a full fledged top light.

 

She was on POF some time ago, a classic example. And likely not the kind of woman that should be even be living in this community. This community, every couple I've ever known was always busy doing something with each other. Mostly chores around the house, going shopping together, or just being homebodies. I wound up fizzling out on a friendship I had with a guy that was incessant on "being home for his wife when she got home from work" when she got home from work as opposed to hanging with us once in a blue moon.

 

She works as an privately owned and independent insurance company. Her mother is the owner and sole propriety. So thus she has job security. Attractive, fit , does a lot of mountain biking and does a lot of activities with her friends like routine get together's at a restaurant.

 

To know of her lifestyle knows she would not be a good fit for the city in which she lives, but with the job security of her mother being the boss, being a home owner and having worked at the same place since soon after she graduated college has her pretty much locked in.

 

She explained to me that her last 2 engagements didn't last due to her independence and being in a community where most couples are pretty much into themselves than anyone else, such things wouldn't jive with her lifestyle.

 

Also, there was an expectation of giving up one night with her restaurant buddies and spending more time with him. Things like that. It was the evolution of a typical, expected relationship getting it's start.

 

She mentioned that after she got engaged, her fiance' would be stopping by her house a little "too much". Apparently he was stopping by more frequently than she would like and this was a problem for her.

 

She called off the wedding.

 

She said she's trying to be less selfish these days and trying to do better, but it was her selfishnesses that has kept her single all this time in that town.

 

She was so accustomed to being single for such a long time, she didn't like the idea of someone infringing upon her space.

 

 

I think the main reason that you dont understand how it could work is because it doesn't appeal to you. Solitude, space and alone time are not things you want primarily from a relationship.

 

Some people are very independent. They thrive from having their own time and their own space. This does not mean that they don't want affection and love. Just not on a daily basis like many couples experience.

 

I have been seeing someone at the moment who is like this. She can go days without hearing from me because she is doing her thing and getting things done. And I am fine with it because I have lots on with work, hobbies and things like that too meaning these lapses in contact aren't difficult. We both have times when we are feeling like company or like going out and we do.

 

The best way to put it I guess would be a part time relationship. It's more than friends with benefits because you have feelings for each other. You just don't NEED the fulltime contact that most couples have.

[AlexanderJames]

I hate to say it, but it's a relationship based on selfishness pretty much.

 

A better example was a woman I met online living in an area north of me that's even smaller than my own community. (As you drive further and further or north, the towns get smaller and smaller up until a point they are less bolded on the maps and have flashing yellow lights instead of a full fledged top light.

 

She was on POF some time ago, a classic example. And likely not the kind of woman that should be even be living in this community. This community, every couple I've ever known was always busy doing something with each other. Mostly chores around the house, going shopping together, or just being homebodies. I wound up fizzling out on a friendship I had with a guy that was incessant on "being home for his wife when she got home from work" when she got home from work as opposed to hanging with us once in a blue moon.

 

She works as an privately owned and independent insurance company. Her mother is the owner and sole propriety. So thus she has job security. Attractive, fit , does a lot of mountain biking and does a lot of activities with her friends like routine get together's at a restaurant.

 

To know of her lifestyle knows she would not be a good fit for the city in which she lives, but with the job security of her mother being the boss, being a home owner and having worked at the same place since soon after she graduated college has her pretty much locked in.

 

She explained to me that her last 2 engagements didn't last due to her independence and being in a community where most couples are pretty much into themselves than anyone else, such things wouldn't jive with her lifestyle.

 

Also, there was an expectation of giving up one night with her restaurant buddies and spending more time with him. Things like that. It was the evolution of a typical, expected relationship getting it's start.

 

She mentioned that after she got engaged, her fiance' would be stopping by her house a little "too much". Apparently he was stopping by more frequently than she would like and this was a problem for her.

 

She called off the wedding.

 

She said she's trying to be less selfish these days and trying to do better, but it was her selfishnesses that has kept her single all this time in that town.

 

She was so accustomed to being single for such a long time, she didn't like the idea of someone infringing upon her space.

 

That is a good example. I notice that you mentioned the pressure of giving up a night with friends to see him. That is a little different to my situation. I should have explained that by this woman being solitary and independent I didn't just mean relationship wise I mean socially. Going out with friends and doing things like that aren't her thing. By solitude I literally mean her favourite company is her own, and she spends more nights doing things at home than going out. That being said, when she does want to be social seeing her romantic interest is often first to come to mind.

 

I would probably have a different point of view if she saw girlfriends every weeknight and went out every weekend but only saw me once in the blue moon but as of late it has literally been if she plans to go out I get an invite be it 1 on 1 or with friends. Make sense?

 

Different scenarios with different opinions I suppose. But I don't see it as selfish in my situation. Yours yes, but who knows. If the women in question get involved with someone that they become strongly attracted to then what is to say they will start wanting to see them more? Maybe previous relationships have been tedious or unfullfilling and that has become an expectation. Something to think about.

[irc333]

Right, and I live in a community where couples are joined at the hip. LOL

 

They work together, ride to work together, come home together, and spend time home together.

 

I asked this one recently married woman at work what kind of plans she had, and she said, "Nothin'".

 

By nothing, just being home with her husband and kids. Get the domestics done, etc.

 

That's pretty much the extent of peoples' lifestyles around here. I mentioned I was going to Oktoberfest somewhere with friends in "the big city" and of course they do no such things...of course they seem to live their lives vicariously through me as a "single guy". lol

 

"oooh wow...Oktoberfest..what's that like?!"

 

 

That is a good example. I notice that you mentioned the pressure of giving up a night with friends to see him. That is a little different to my situation. I should have explained that by this woman being solitary and independent I didn't just mean relationship wise I mean socially. Going out with friends and doing things like that aren't her thing. By solitude I literally mean her favourite company is her own, and she spends more nights doing things at home than going out. That being said, when she does want to be social seeing her romantic interest is often first to come to mind.

 

I would probably have a different point of view if she saw girlfriends every weeknight and went out every weekend but only saw me once in the blue moon but as of late it has literally been if she plans to go out I get an invite be it 1 on 1 or with friends. Make sense?

 

Different scenarios with different opinions I suppose. But I don't see it as selfish in my situation. Yours yes, but who knows. If the women in question get involved with someone that they become strongly attracted to then what is to say they will start wanting to see them more? Maybe previous relationships have been tedious or unfullfilling and that has become an expectation. Something to think about.

[GemmaUK]

I like to have the chance to miss a guy.

 

I don't think AJ's situation is selfish, it sounds refreshing.

 

On OLD I wonder how many women have profiles where they say they like to spend 24/7 or 'as much time as possible' with a partner. This is really common in men's profiles around my age (40's).

I tend to look for those who don't have this as I know that I couldn't be around as much as they would like.

[irc333]

I like to have the chance to miss a guy.

 

I don't think AJ's situation is selfish, it sounds refreshing.

 

On OLD I wonder how many women have profiles where they say they like to spend 24/7 or 'as much time as possible' with a partner. This is really common in men's profiles around my age (40's).

I tend to look for those who don't have this as I know that I couldn't be around as much as they would like.

 

Likely, it won't be mentioned in a profile, but would likely come about when actually dating. Kind of a too much, too soon situation as to let it just happen organically.

 

Doesn't make them needy though.

 

But it's interesting how you say men tend to do it more so than women. Just goes to show that women have not much a desire to be with men as men would like with women.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Working an 80 hour week isn't something someone is likely to be doing on a consistent basis.

I've done it myself but it's when my job required it and usually will only be for a couple of weeks at a time.

I don't think someone who works hours like that needs their partner to also but a partner would need to be considerate of the fact the person has less free time.

 

Exactly... makes me laugh when I see people saying 'well, I'd never go for a job with that many hours' as though everybody who has been through that kind of schedule wanted to do it as their first option. In my case it was for two years, I had to work so much to fund my MA (which was half of the hours in itself due to full-time placement), but I knew it wasn't forever and that the end of the two years would mean back to a regular 37 hour week, with twice as much money as I made beforehand. It was worth the sacrifice, even though I was exhausted, and got sick quite a lot. It's no fun knocking off from work at 5pm, all your co workers are heading out to party or going home to chill and you've got thirty minutes to get to your next job across town, throw on a fast food uniform in the toilets and then work through until midnight. It's hell and I never want to do it again, but it was worth it for what I achieved and if I had to do it again to get something else I really wanted, I'd do it.

 

The vast majority of guys I dated during that time were really attracted to how much of a grafter I was and how much I was willing to go through to achieve my dreams. I would see it the same with in somebody else.