Day.One Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 Wife moved out 3 weeks ago today. No affair (yes, I know, blah blah), we had just reached the point where we couldn't be together anymore due to our inability to work out our differences and communicate. The breakup was amicable, in fact we spent the week before she moved out discussing the details in a positive, pleasant, adult manner. Something we haven't been able to do for years. The calm AFTER the storm perhaps? I found the 180 plan and am following it. However... the 180 plan is (as written) a way of moving forward by the betrayed spouse to get over the unfaithful spouse. I find most of the points useful and am acting on them. This has already made a huge difference to me. I've lost weight, i sleep better, reduced my alcohol intake, though i wasn't a heavy drinker anyway (couple of beers of an evening, not a case), i don't drink during the week. I have had friends, family and coworkers tell me that my personality is now completely different. I come across as a positive, energized person who laughs and smiles and makes them feel comfortable, instead of on guard and nervous. I'm setting goals, diy, household cleaning and even started swimming lessons (my biggest fear), and actually working on them. I don't go and peer in her windows to see what she doing, or chase her via email or texts, etc. Though we very occasionally have to deal with joint account, etc issues by email, i keep it short and to the point. Otherwise we stick a previously agreed No Contact. Here's where i get a bit.. stuck. One of my issues when we were together was that i came across as cold and distant (as referred to the sentence above with how my friends now see me). Following the 180 to the letter could potentially make me seem to be the same person to her in our communications, especially in something as impersonal as emails. Now, obviously i don't want to come across as all 'gushy', but by the same token i don't want to sound like i don't give a F. I don't want to run the risk of driving her further away by coming across as the same person she left, but also don't want to drive her further away by appearing needy and clingy. What's the balancing point?
Majormisstep Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Hi Day, I can't speak for your situation not knowing the details as to why your W wanted to separate. But what I can say is my H is doing the 180 and I too had huge issues with him not communicating while we were together. He only contacts me now to discuss the kids. So in my mind, he has moved on and well, I guess I should too. Maybe this is the farthest from what our intentions are but without any words or actions, one starts to formulate their own opinion - right or wrong - of the path we are taking. In some ways the 180 makes me want him more, in others it is reflective of the poor communication we had during our 24 years of M. From this side of the fence, I'd say put it out there. Better to have open communication from your end then to hold it all in and hope for the best. Then you could honestly say you tried. JMHO.
signalmtn Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 I had the same questions regarding the 180. I got some good advice and comments in a thread I started a while ago. Give it a read, there are some great people on here. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/494547-i-m-afraid-s-too-late Best of luck. I feel for you.
oldshirt Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 Since your communications now are pretty much just business, treat her as you would any other business associate. You can be professional and pleasant but not emotionally invested.
oldshirt Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 .....and remember, the 180 is not a strategy to get someone back. It is a strategy to move on with your life as efficiently and healthy as possible and not allowing someone to emotionally manipulate you. 1
Author Day.One Posted October 7, 2014 Author Posted October 7, 2014 .....and remember, the 180 is not a strategy to get someone back. It is a strategy to move on with your life as efficiently and healthy as possible and not allowing someone to emotionally manipulate you. Yes, i realise that. I am treating this as though it's over, but it's just that i had no strategy for how to communicate with my Wife after she moved out, so i've applied the ones from the 180. I just have a concern that it might come across as cold. Looking 'adult' about the separation is one thing, looking like an aloof ahole, notsomuch.
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