cmonman Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 My girlfriend really just has me scratching my head. We have been together for a few months, and the first couple were fantastic. Very affectionate and open. But over the past few weeks she has been seeming to fade in a really weird way. At first I thought she was just really stressed or busy, but I'm starting to realize that she is still going out of her way to talk to me, but completely avoiding showing any affection. This week, she has called me out of the blue a few times, but she will just sit in silence, and only talks if I ask a question. If I ever try to show affection, she either ignores it, or gives a really oddly worded response, like just saying "thank you" or "sure". She wasn't like this at all before, and it all seemed to change on a dime. Thoughts?
mightycpa Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 so, you've recognized the symptoms, but you don't have any thoughts on this? what are your thoughts?
Author cmonman Posted October 4, 2014 Author Posted October 4, 2014 so, you've recognized the symptoms, but you don't have any thoughts on this? what are your thoughts? That's why I said I am scratching my head. She is stressed, but I don't get how that affects attraction or your ability to respond to affection from your boyfriend.
mightycpa Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 (edited) What if I gave you a hint, and said Ordinarily, stress doesn't affect attraction. Stress is caused by the loss of attraction. What would be your thoughts then? Edited October 4, 2014 by mightycpa 1
Author cmonman Posted October 4, 2014 Author Posted October 4, 2014 She actually is stressed though, for very good reason (she's changing jobs). This all started the day she quit her job. I do think she might be displacing stress related to this change on to our relationship, but that is what I'm trying to figure out. It doesn't make sense to me that she would go out of her way to contact me and talk to me, but not show affection.
LostOnes05 Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 She is either 1) stressed and cheating/hiding something 2) stressed and about to dump you 3) stressed and someone from her past is back 4) actually is stressed and shuts down when she is stressed. I have a feeling this is what mightycpa might be hinting at. Take a step back and look at the details of your own situation, as if a friend was explaining it as their own. It'll help you see clearly and make the best decision for you. 1
mightycpa Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 Yeah. I don't know about her. You are either making excuses, or you're right. Common sense says you're making excuses. But you need to stop deluding yourself, and make a cold determination.
Arieswoman Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 cmonman, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but this is just how my exH was behaving when he was having his affair. I thought he was under stress at work so I gave him some space. As it turns out the only space I should have shown him was outside of the front door. I would say something to her like " Mary (or whatever her name is) I am concerned that you seem a bit preoccupied with something and aren't behaving like your usual self. I am here for you but I can't help you unless you tell me about it. Let me know when you wanted to talk about whatever is bothering you." Then don't initiate any contact. If she calls you, ask her, point blank if she want's to tell you something and see what her response is. You can't have a relationship with someone who is behaving like a store-window mannequin. 2
Assasda Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 Yeah man. She's not feeling you anymore. Could be something you did, or are doing. It could be because youre a doormat and you let her do it. Women on the pedestal do whatever they want. And I can bet you all the money in my pocket that, thats where you put her
Diezel Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 If you like being with someone who can show affection and does, then you obviously shouldn't be with someone who it takes a massive effort to do so.
organizedchaos Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 My girlfriend really just has me scratching my head. We have been together for a few months, and the first couple were fantastic. Very affectionate and open. But over the past few weeks she has been seeming to fade in a really weird way. At first I thought she was just really stressed or busy, but I'm starting to realize that she is still going out of her way to talk to me, but completely avoiding showing any affection. This week, she has called me out of the blue a few times, but she will just sit in silence, and only talks if I ask a question. If I ever try to show affection, she either ignores it, or gives a really oddly worded response, like just saying "thank you" or "sure". She wasn't like this at all before, and it all seemed to change on a dime. Thoughts? Crazy idea here... but maybe talk to her about it? 1
Cunning_Linguist Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 I don't care how stressed you are. How hard is it to reciprocate some affection? It's extremely selfish. Maybe she isn't ready to be in an honest relationship, or maybe she is cheating. Either way the behavior isn't fair to you no matter what's going on at work. If she cared for you how you did for her then she would take the few minutes to show you she cares. Wouldn't you do the same??? Hold a standard for yourself and tell her whats up.
Author cmonman Posted October 4, 2014 Author Posted October 4, 2014 Crazy idea here... but maybe talk to her about it? I did attempt to talk to her about it about a week ago, and at first she avoided me, then she sent me a really long text where she said "I'm sorry you feel slighted or ignored right now. A lot of people in my life are feeling like that right now. No one seems to understand how hard this change is for me, and that's not to belittle your worth, but I can't really deal with it right now either." It was a little defensive, but I have been trying to give her space this week. She has been reaching out every day, but it has been since then that she is doing the calling thing. It's worth noting that she mentioned how she puts up a guard in new relationships, because her last few exes cheated and lied to her, and I'm wondering if that's what is happening. I noticed NO wall for the first couple of months, but maybe it got "real" for her?
Author cmonman Posted October 5, 2014 Author Posted October 5, 2014 Update: her parents were in town this weekend (never met them) and she invited me to come meet them over dinner. They seemed to really like me and things went well. Am I wrong to think that this is probably a sign that things are okay with her? You don't introduce a guy you're having second thoughts about to your parents, right? And she is very close with her family, for anyone thinking this might not have been that big of a deal for her.
Diezel Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 It might be a temporary sign. To be honest, if you really want to measure a "180", you have to give it at least 4 weeks. Anything after a "talk" is usually short-lived and unsustainable if a person truly doesn't want to change.
Assasda Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Update: her parents were in town this weekend (never met them) and she invited me to come meet them over dinner. They seemed to really like me and things went well. Am I wrong to think that this is probably a sign that things are okay with her? You don't introduce a guy you're having second thoughts about to your parents, right? And she is very close with her family, for anyone thinking this might not have been that big of a deal for her. OP, its not her. ITs you. You got her on the pedestal, in the trophy case. Youre basically beneath her
Redhead14 Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 My girlfriend really just has me scratching my head. We have been together for a few months, and the first couple were fantastic. Very affectionate and open. But over the past few weeks she has been seeming to fade in a really weird way. At first I thought she was just really stressed or busy, but I'm starting to realize that she is still going out of her way to talk to me, but completely avoiding showing any affection. This week, she has called me out of the blue a few times, but she will just sit in silence, and only talks if I ask a question. If I ever try to show affection, she either ignores it, or gives a really oddly worded response, like just saying "thank you" or "sure". She wasn't like this at all before, and it all seemed to change on a dime. Thoughts? It was not likely to have changed on a dime. This was probably gradual. I would give her space, don't do or say anything yet to make her feel pressured. Her actions for the period of you giving her space will tell you more. I'm not saying go away, just be there. If she is temporarily just not feeling it, she will notice the space and close it herself. If she doesn't then you may need to address it more directly.
Beautiful Kisses Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 She sounds like someone else might be getting all her affection (the full course meal) and you getting the crumbs. I could be wrong tho. I wish I could take my own advice sometimes
Author cmonman Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 It was not likely to have changed on a dime. This was probably gradual. I would give her space, don't do or say anything yet to make her feel pressured. Her actions for the period of you giving her space will tell you more. I'm not saying go away, just be there. If she is temporarily just not feeling it, she will notice the space and close it herself. If she doesn't then you may need to address it more directly. Normally I would agree with you, I've never known a girl to change on a dime without some sort of provocation. BUT, in this case, I don't think it was very gradual. I could make a laundry list of things that became different the second she quit her job. It is clear as day even in the texts that she sent the day before that she was 100% open and expressive of her interest in me, and how happy she was. Something about the day she quit made things click. Perhaps she had already been scared of commitment, or something like that, and the stress of the sudden change just made it all subconsciously too real or frightening. Who knows. I'm not trying to make her life change all about me, just trying to figure out how that stress would affect her ability to show affection. As for giving her space, it seems to be working a little. Maybe it is a mix of the space and the fact that she has finally made the transition, but she seems to be reaching out to hang out more, or joking more. I would say its about halfway between where she was originally and where she has been for the past few weeks. I think the real test will be how she reacts to physical intimacy, considering she has been really cold in that area since she quit...
me85 Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Sorry you're going through this mass confusion. Hopefully things are better with her now that you had dinner with her and her family.
Author cmonman Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 OP, its not her. ITs you. You got her on the pedestal, in the trophy case. Youre basically beneath her I have to say I disagree. Trying to decipher a person's interest based on their actions when you've come to really care about them is pretty normal. It's not like I'm texting her everyday begging that she tell me what's wrong. I'm pretty sure me "putting her on a pedestal" would have nothing to do with her being stressed at work, and surely nothing to do with being invited to meet her parents. I appreciate your input, and power balance is definitely a problem in a lot of relationships, but not here.
Author cmonman Posted October 7, 2014 Author Posted October 7, 2014 Jesus the mixed signals just keep on coming. So after things went good meeting her parents on Saturday night, she's been texting me a lot more and last night she asked me if I wanted to come over tonight. But tonight I show up (keep in mind, aside from dinner the other night, I haven't seen her for over a week because I've been giving her space to deal with her work stuff) and not only does she not kiss or hug me when we greet, but when I try to tell her what I had planned for us for the night, she reveals that she made OTHER ****ING PLANS! Not only that, but her friend was going to be over in 20 minutes! What... The... ****. I say "did you want to talk about something?" She goes "no, everything's good, sorry you thought we were hanging out tonight, we can do something this weekend" and then she was joking about how she's so exhausted. I kept my cool, but I told her that she needs to talk to me if there's a problem and that she's got a wall up that she's not acknowledging. She just said, "ok, I know you're there to talk to, thanks" She wasn't mad or anything, just kinda ambivalent, like it wasn't a big deal. Am I crazy? That's weird right?
Diezel Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 It might be a temporary sign. To be honest, if you really want to measure a "180", you have to give it at least 4 weeks. Anything after a "talk" is usually short-lived and unsustainable if a person truly doesn't want to change. Apparently I should have said 4 days. If you continue this relationship with her, you have only yourself to blame.
bubbaganoosh Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 Jesus the mixed signals just keep on coming. So after things went good meeting her parents on Saturday night, she's been texting me a lot more and last night she asked me if I wanted to come over tonight. But tonight I show up (keep in mind, aside from dinner the other night, I haven't seen her for over a week because I've been giving her space to deal with her work stuff) and not only does she not kiss or hug me when we greet, but when I try to tell her what I had planned for us for the night, she reveals that she made OTHER ****ING PLANS! Not only that, but her friend was going to be over in 20 minutes! What... The... ****. I say "did you want to talk about something?" She goes "no, everything's good, sorry you thought we were hanging out tonight, we can do something this weekend" and then she was joking about how she's so exhausted. I kept my cool, but I told her that she needs to talk to me if there's a problem and that she's got a wall up that she's not acknowledging. She just said, "ok, I know you're there to talk to, thanks" She wasn't mad or anything, just kinda ambivalent, like it wasn't a big deal. Am I crazy? That's weird right? When she tells you she has other plans after she tells you to come over and expects you to be cool with it is when you should have laid the cards on the table and told her that there's a huge difference between stress and ignorance and bad manners. That's when you should have turned around and walked out and not even bother to respond to her. Truth be told, she has you on a string and she knows that any time she wants, she tugs the string and you come to her. Do yourself a favor and cut the string and stop playing her games. I would let her know that her attitude, and lack of manners stink to high heaven and when she finally gets her head out of her ass for her to call you and then you can take it from there but as of right now, friend, your being played like a fiddle. 1
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